Authors: Albert Cohen
She picked up a guitar lying on a ceremonial throne and plucked the strings petulantly with a mixture of radiant smiles and roguish glances. Then she put it back and fanned herself more furiously than ever.
'The fact is I don't know anything about you, and it's really terribly sweet of me to talk to you so openly, though I hide what must be hidden. I don't know where you come from nor from what mother's belly you emerged. So quickly now, your name! If you don't tell me, God only knows what I'll do! Come on, out with it, what is your name under Israel?' she screamed, stamping her little foot encased in satin. 'Introduce yourself correctly according to the rules! Quickly, your name! Midgets can be very dangerous! They bite, so take care!'
'Solal,' he said, and he raised his hand to his forehead covered in blood.
That's all right, I know the name! A family of some renown! But I should tell you that one of my Russian forebears in the time of the tsars was Director of the Russo-Asian Bank with the titular grade of state councillor which was the equivalent of the rank of general! So don't come the high and mighty with me! And now your first name, out with it! The nice name the girl who marries you will use!'
'Solal.'
There's no accounting for taste and I don't care either way!' the midget shrieked, tossing her flat hair, which fell back in a crudely cut fringe over her eyes. That's her business! Anyway, you'll get over it and you'll stay with us! They didn't hurt you very much really! Oh I know they marked your chest with their spidery swastikas, but scratches are hardly worth bothering about! You can't put scratches in
a jar! (She held her nose between two fingers and said in a nasal voice:) Look here, cover that manly chest of yours! I don't want to see it! (She put both hands over her eyes, but peeped through her fingers as he gathered the folds of his robe over his torso on which German crosses, now black with dried blood, had been notched.) They cut your flesh and beat your head and nose and eyes, but that's nothing compared to what it'll be like soon! My uncle-in-religion said so! (To help her think, she twisted and untwisted locks of her hair.) And do you know what? The peoples of other countries won't lift a finger to help us! They'll be only too happy to let the Germans do the job for them! But we aren't dead yet, we're warm and snug! Oh it's lovely! (She cracked a walnut with her teeth.) And I am Rachel and my father was Jacob Silberstein, the wealthiest antiques dealer in Berlin! Before all this we used to live upstairs in a magnificent, sublime, spacious shop!' she screamed, stressing the sibilants. 'But we aren't stupid, not stupid at
all
(she bellowed the word), and when my revered father, who gave me my life of woe, felt the black wind blow he pretended to go away! That's right, pretended to leave Berlin, you idiot! You need to have a couple of ears cut off, otherwise you'll never be smart! Pretend, we've got to pretend, we're always going to have to pretend! But with the connivance — I told you I knew a lot of words — with the connivance of the man who owns the building, he belongs to the same nation as the beasts but he's very keen on dollars, everything was brought down here, and here we came and hid! That's why we need dollars, lots of dollars! It's their fault, not ours! So that's how it is, we keep out of the way here, and in winter the stove stands tall and cosy and we are safe when evil walks abroad at night! The evil of night!' she ululated as she gestured with her hands. 'Talking of beds, I must go and make mine. The couch on which I He!'
She winked, snapped her fan of ostrich feathers shut, and, her tiny muscular rump swaying as she went, strode off self-importantly towards a child's bed made of carved gilt wood. As she shook the sheets and blankets, she explained in a singing voice full of expression that Jacob Silberstein was a wealthy antiques dealer. Out of the corner of her eye, she watched to see the effect she was producing.
'Look at my things! They're all mine, because I am sole heir! Genuine period furniture, paintings by great masters complete with official provenances! And if you won't have any of them for free then buy them with money! I know how much they all cost and what they're worth! Being fair of face, I could sing their praises to you if you like, one lovely face to another! But if you had any sense you could have them for nothing after a sensible talk with my uncles. (As he remained silent, she tapped the ground with her foot.) They found you in the street and they brought you in! You should be grateful to them! What more do you want me to say? They picked you up and brought you in! Or maybe it was me who brought you in, because I had an erninently respectable purpose in mind. Think about me instead of thinking about yourself! Blood looks very nice on you, it's like velvet on your handsome face! Besides, I can speak several languages perfectly, without any trace of a foreign accent, which means that we can handle the police in any country you care to name! I also manage a house expertly! I can salt and wash and brush oil on meat before cooking it! That way there's no blood! And I sweeten my tea with cherry jam! I'll let you have a taste, and you must try my stuffed carp too! Furthermore, a good wife ought to know how to remove the dried blood from her husband's face and she must be ready to go away with him to escape from the police and have money hidden next to the skin, like a shield against the wicked! Having said that, the period of the engagement is the best time of life, and people who get engaged are happy indeed! Give me a moment to freshen up my face and then you'll see!'
And again she applied lipstick to her mouth and powdered her square face, smiling at him all the while, baring her teeth, making the muscles in her jaw stand out.
'Well, what do you say?' she asked, and she gave him a playful tap with her fan. 'Only the eyes count really! And don't laugh at my hump! It's like a royal crown on my back! And don't start getting ideas about proposing to my sister who is beautiful! Oh very well, so I'm not sole heir! That's how I am, sometimes I cheat when it suits me! But if she's tall and beautiful and has a generous heart she also walks in her sleep, which is only fair! But now, Jew, wait for me here, but talk loud to keep me company and stop me from feeling afraid!'
She ran towards the far end of the cellar, stopped at the ladder, picked up the lantern, and came back with it, uttering a long cry as she did so. Breathing hard and with one hand on her heart, she told him with a child's smile that she'd only just made it. Then she took him by the hand and together they walked past the paintings which hung from the weeping walls. She held the lantern high, mentioning the names of the artists, and as they came to each picture she ordered him with a dig of her heel to admire what he saw. But when he stretched out his hand to lift the veil which covered the last painting, she shook violently and took him by the arm. 'It's not allowed,' she screamed, 'you're not allowed to look at She with the Child! You could go to the stake for it!' Drawing him close to her, she led him past the antique bric-a-brac, suits of armour, mounds of fabrics, ancient dresses, mappa-mundis, glassware, rugs and statues, making faces as she prattled on about them and said how much they were worth. All at once she paused in front of a tall metal statue and scratched herself furiously.
'That's the German Virgin, the Virgin of Nuremburg!' she announced grandiloquently. 'It's hollow! They used to put us inside and the long spikes in the door closed on the body of the Jew! But most of the time they used to burn us alive! In every German city, Wissembourg, Magdeburg, Arnstadt, Koblenz, Sinzig, Erfurt, they were proud to call themselves Jew-roasters!
Judenbreter
was their word for it in those days! Oh I'm frightened of them! They burned us alive in the thirteenth century! They will burn us alive in the twentieth! There is no salvation for us, have no illusions on that score! They love their nasty leader who barks like a dog and has a moustache! They all agree with him! Bishop Berning agrees with him! He said all the German bishops agree. My uncle told me, my uncle-in-highest-majesty! Now step this way!'
His mind reeling but led on by the dwarf-woman, who periodically turned and leered at him, he walked past chests, armchairs, cabinets and grounded chandeliers, meekly following her while the clocks ticked against each other and the wax figures smiled as they watched them pass in the dark. Once again she halted suddenly, stroked a stuffed owl with orange eyes and large eyebrows which was also watching them, and then raised her lantern over a sarcophagus containing a mummy.
'Pharaoh was no different!' she said. 'He slew us, even unto the last of us! They destroy us, and then they all die too!'
Saying nothing and with his head still throbbing, he smiled proudly, became like her, and was aware of it. Suddenly the touch of her damp little hand revolted him, but he did not dare push her away, fearing she might turn on him unexpectedly. She halted in front of a wrought-iron screen, raised her lantern, smacked her lips, and gestured dramatically to an old court coach, the gilt was cracked and flaking and here and there it was black with smoke, but it sparkled with many-faceted mirrors and was decorated with cherubs holding flaming torches.
'It's a souvenir, a reminder of my grandfather, the miraculous rabbi! The famous Rabbi of Lodz! He was driven at night through the Jewish quarter in this very coach! It has no roof, because he stood up in it to bless the people! A royal coach! I'm so proud I could bite you! It will be used for my wedding! I can say wedding in seven languages! If anybody tells you my blood pressure is high, don't believe a word of it! I get ideas, that's all!' she clamoured, and she waved her little hands in gestures of spiteful glee. 'But I want to show you something - there's no need to be frightened, because they are safely tethered!'
He stood back and let her walk on, for he suddenly realized that if she stayed at his rear she might be tempted by the back of his head, start screaming with fear, go for his neck and bite him perhaps. 'Hurry,' she said, and she dragged him roughly after her. Behind the coach lay two doleful, emaciated horses. They were tethered together. The head of one rested on the beaten earth floor, its tongue half-protruding. The other worked its elongated human features, and its shadow swung uncertainly from one wall to the other.
'These are my grandfather's horses!' she announced. 'My father decided to keep them until the very end of all their days! Out of respect! Before that they lived in the stables upstairs, but now they too hide down here with us, poor old things! They're called Isaac and Jacob! But that's more than enough of that! Take a look at yourself!' she cried in a wild frenzy, once more holding out her mirror to him. 'That's what living outside can do to you, idiot! Into the cellar with you, Jew! You'll be all right with me, but I should tell you that my troth is already plighted to a baron whom I chose in preference to Nathaniel Bischoffsheim, who is too young! I like them when they're ripe and ready, like Camembert, slightly soft to the touch! Furthermore, brandy pickles ears, a fact you might remember if some day you find yours on the floor! At Lodz there was a pogrom when she was pregnant with me, so she took her revenge and I was born little! Anyway, I can take or leave anything you tell me! So it's entirely up to you, and of course anyone who lies in his teeth won't have teeth for long and what girl would want you with no teeth? Surely you know that a person will never amount to much without a pair of well-stocked jaws? (She smiled broadly to show off two rows of fine teeth and put one hand on her hip.) They say I'm a midget, but people take an interest in me! Just ask Rothschild or Bischoffsheim! Anyway, it was written that you would end up confused in the head! Don't deny it, my little wheedling pet, a moment ago you were trying to catch Jacob's shadow on the wall! I saw you and nearly choked laughing! Listen, I'll tell you a secret! When I'm alone I harness Isaac and Jacob to the coach, then I get in, take the reins, and drive round the cellar! A real little queen! Just now when I said "walks in her sleep" I was being considerate, to avoid saying "blind"! Or if I get lonely, when everybody else has gone off to cellars elsewhere to buy things or have chats and they leave me because I'm too small and have a hump and no neck, I try to sleep so I don't have to think. Sleeping dogs have no fleas! Come on, look sharp, get up into grandfather's coach! Quick now, or I'll pinch you!'
She opened the door, which sparkled with multiple mirrors, pushed him inside with both hands, forced him on to the seat, climbed up beside him, and sat down. She swung her little legs contentedly, stopped suddenly and motioned him to be quiet.
'Can you hear them outside? Those clowns are happy when they've got a band to march behind. Whereas here we are sitting in a royal coach! Oh beautiful cellar of mine, oh high destiny, oh nails that I love! But now, do you feel like having a bit of fun? We've got masks for the Feast of Lots, they were bought before I was born! I'm terribly young, you know! You want a good laugh? We've got games for the Feast of Lots! Look!' she cried in a ringing voice, and, bending down, produced from under the seat a paper crown decorated with imitation rubies which she put on her head. 'On the Feast of Lots, I was always Queen Esther, I was so graceful, the apple of my father's eye! Here, take this false nose and rejoice! Ignoramus, do you know in what you shall rejoice? I'll tell you: in the death of Haman! Sometimes I behave horribly, because it's not very nice being small. So I say "I like them ripe" or "I'll bite you", but it isn't true, it's just the laughter showing through the tears. And perhaps I was wrong when I said that other nations will be pleased. Let's wait and see! In any case, I don't trust Poland! Don't look at me stupidly like that! Hurry up, put your false nose on!'
He did as she asked and she clapped her hands as he stroked the grotesque cardboard appendage, stroked it proudly. He gave a sudden start on hearing a knocking which rose from the depths, three knocks, then two. She patted his hand self-importantly, told him not to be afraid, that it was Jews in the cellar in the next house asking for the trapdoor to be opened, a crowd of bores who often came looking for news or food. She got out of the coach and waddled off, holding her train aloft and her little rump swaying.