Her Lone Cowboy (14 page)

“I can’t.” And she pulled her fingers out of his and walked away to the kitchen, trying to put some space between herself and his imploring eyes. For a beautiful, flashing moment she had a vision of what it would be like to be his wife. Wasn’t being the wife of a soldier better than being without Noah? But that moment was fantasy, not reality. She had made herself a family here. The only family she’d ever known. And a soldier’s life held no guarantees. His scars bore the proof of that.

She paused by the kitchen table and put her hands over her face for a few moments, trying to compose herself. Noah still stood in the middle of her living room, and when she turned back to face him he looked as if he’d been struck. Why couldn’t they have just kept it light, and been friends as they’d said all along? Why did love have to get involved and ruin everything? She closed her eyes, remembering the look of
anguish on his face as his scars had been bared to her. She had wanted him to realize that those scars didn’t matter, that they didn’t make him less of a man. She had wanted to help, give him strength. But love meant more than that. Love meant thinking of the other person first.

She swallowed, the sight of him looking so strong and tall in his uniform branded on her mind. It had been easy to forget when he’d been working at the ranch. But she knew in her heart the army would always come first for Noah. How could she ask him to stay? He would resent her for making that demand, the same as she knew she would come to resent him if he asked her to leave behind the life she’d built.

She opened her eyes, and said the words she knew she must, even though it was tearing her apart.

“Noah, I’m sorry. But this is for the best. I would not make you happy. I’m sure of it.”

His eyes iced over and his jaw tightened, covering the hurt she’d glimpsed. He stared at her a long time, until she looked down at her feet, feeling his censure.

“You are not the woman I thought,” he replied, his deep voice rife with disappointment, the words cutting through her like a blade. He put the beret back on his head, using his hand to angle it precisely. As he went to the door, Lily started to follow, but his harsh words stopped her.

“Don’t worry. I’ll show myself out.”

When he’d arrived, she’d expected him to announce his leaving, and he was. But she hadn’t thought it would be this way, with anger and hostility. A few minutes later the front door shut quietly, a click rather than a bang. But that click held as much condemnation as any words might have.

Noah’s decision had been made, and Lily’s response did nothing to change it.

He leaned on the fence, watching the mare Beautiful and
the filly, Gorgeous. Silly, feminine names, both of them, and yet they suited. He reached up, tilting the brim of his hat down against the noonday sun. This was home now. These fields where he’d grown up, this stable filled with horses once more. The wide-open space and sunshine and peace and quiet.

Andrew sauntered up, giving Noah a clap on the back and then joining him at the fence.

Married life clearly suited his brother, Noah realized. There was an air of contentment surrounding him that Noah had never seen before. It was as if he was exactly where he belonged and satisfied with it.

The only time Noah had felt more out of place was when he’d stepped off the plane, seeing his brother for the first time in several years.

He’d handled things all wrong with Lily. He should have told her the truth. Made her understand. That had been his plan but it had gone all wrong. He knew the battles she’d fought. She needed a home, a place to belong. Her mother had hauled her from pillar to post during her childhood. He knew how she felt about Larch Valley. But dammit, he had enough pride that he’d wanted her to choose him
for him
. Not because of a decision he’d made. So he’d kept quiet and watched the relationship crumble around them. Maybe she did love him. Just not enough.

The filly cavorted through the paddock, making him smile and drawing him out of his dark thoughts. He gave a nod in her direction. “She looks good, doesn’t she?”

“Sure does.”

Andrew reached down and plucked a strand of timothy that grew next to the fence post, began chewing on the end. “You’re sure this is what you want?”

Noah nodded. He’d thought long and hard lately. He couldn’t go back to the life he’d had. It was physically im
possible. And he’d discovered the alternative wasn’t what he wanted, either. It was time he came home, and stopped avoiding all the things that had kept him away. He just hadn’t planned on doing it alone.

“I’m sure.”

Andrew’s wide grin split his face. “Good. That’s real good, bro.”

Noah laughed. “You say that now, but I’m used to being the one giving the orders, little brother.”

“There’s no one I’d rather be partners with. Let’s go tell Jen. She’s got some lunch ready, too.”

As they walked to the house, Noah wondered what Lily was doing on a Sunday afternoon. He’d had plenty of hours to mull things over since leaving her town house, to think about what had happened. The sunshine and fresh air and physical labor had helped clear his mind. And the one thing he had figured out was that he hadn’t imagined her feelings. Lily was easy to read. She wasn’t capable of being false or manipulative.

And the way she’d responded to his kiss had been genuine. The trembling touch on each of his scars, the waver in her voice when she’d said he was beautiful…that wasn’t for show.

The only conclusion he could reasonably come to was that she was scared to death.

Either way, he’d decided to leave the army before he’d ever proposed, and come what may, he was happy with that decision. He’d been as guilty as Andrew of running away from home. The army had filled the gap for years. Now it was time to let go of old resentments and be back where he belonged. With his family. He and Andrew were partners in Lazy L now, and it was a decision that simply felt
good
.

And now, being in Larch Valley on a permanent basis meant he could put his energies into fighting for Lily. Because
she expected him to give up. She expected him to walk away just as Curtis had.

And that was the last thing he intended to do.

J
EN WAS ELATED AT THE NEWS
and gave Noah a gigantic hug, and then proceeded to lay out a lunch of soup and sandwiches. The three of them were just sitting down, talking about plans for the ranch, when the sound of an engine broke through the chatter. Jen stood up and went to the window, looked at Noah, and back to the door. “It’s Lily.”

Noah’s insides twisted and the bite of sandwich in his mouth turned dry. He hadn’t seen Lily since the day she’d turned down his proposal. He’d planned on seeing her again when they could be alone. Talk. Not with an audience who knew nothing of what had truly transpired between them.

“Lily, come on in. We were just having lunch. Do you want some? There’s plenty.”

Lily stepped over the threshold and froze as she saw him, her expression a blend of surprise and awkwardness. He looked down, missing how she used to look at him with welcome in her eyes. Noah forced himself to swallow the bread and sliced turkey before lifting his head to acknowledge her. “Lily,” he said quietly.

Lily jerked her head away and smiled at Jen. “I can’t stay. I just wanted to drop off the stuff from the reception.” She handed over a box. Noah noticed her hand was shaking the
tiniest bit. Had she been anxious to get rid of Jen’s things? Were they a reminder of how things had gone so wrong between them?

“Thanks, Lil. I appreciate you bringing them over.”

A moment of silence fell, filled with awkwardness. Noah watched as Lily pasted on a smile. He knew it was forced, and that it was made worse by his being there.

“It’s okay. It’s just your flutes and the centerpiece from our table. A few other things I thought you might like to have as keepsakes.”

Andrew hopped up from the table to take the box. “I’ll put it upstairs,” he volunteered.

“I thought you’d both like to know that Lucy had her baby this morning,” she added.

Noah watched Lily’s face carefully. Color swept into her cheeks as she avoided his gaze. He remembered her saying once that marriage and children weren’t in the cards for her. For a moment he imagined how beautiful she’d be carrying a child. His child. The image was stunning.

“Oh! Boy or girl?”

“A little boy, Alexander. I ran into Brody at the café this morning. He’s one proud papa.”

“A boy.” Jen beamed at Andrew. “There’ll be no living with him now, will there. And named after Lucy’s father.”

“As the first Navarro grandchild should be.” Andrew laughed.

Noah pushed back his chair and gathered up his plate and bowl, taking them to the sink. Andrew and Jen, Brody and Lucy…every thing was fitting into place in their worlds. But not in his. He was satisfied he’d made the right decision, leaving the army, but it didn’t quite work without Lily.

“I’ll let you ladies catch up,” he said, his voice low. Without saying another word to Lily, he slid past her and out the
door. He wouldn’t torture her further by being in the way here. But it wasn’t over. He’d find a way to fight for her.

Lily watched him go with sadness in her heart. The little looks they used to exchange, the warm smile he often greeted her with was gone. She hadn’t expected to see him here, not on a Sunday. It had been difficult staying away, though she knew it was for the best.

But his reaction to seeing her today left her feeling even more down, if that were possible. She knew it was too much to expect he would be the same smiling Noah after what had happened between them. Feeling awkward was understandable. As Jen and Andrew talked about baby Alexander and made plans to visit Lucy, Lily slipped out the door. Somehow they had to make things right. She would feel awful if the last words they had were angry ones. It wasn’t what she wanted him to take back with him, wherever that was going to be.

She found him in the barn, in the tack room tidying the already neat shelves. She stood quietly in the doorway, watching his movements. “Noah?”

He sighed, put down the bridle in his hand and turned. No smile, no welcoming warmth in his eyes. “What can I do for you, Lily?”

His brusqueness made words catch in her throat before she could set them free. “You could stop hating me, for starters.”

She saw his throat bob as he swallowed. The tension in his eyes softened the slightest bit. “I don’t hate you.”

“I’m glad. Because I don’t like how we left things. We were friends, first. I want to be that again.” She didn’t want this to be the pattern in her life. She and Curtis had never seen each other again after it had gone wrong. Noah was too important to lose altogether. Somehow they had to make things right, not marked by bitterness and regret.

“I don’t know.” He picked up the bridle again and went to hang it on its proper hook.

“Noah, when you go back to the service, I don’t want it to be with anger at me. Maybe that’s selfish. But we shared a lot more than just those last few days. That’s what I’d like you to remember. Not how it ended.”

He gave up any pretense of working and sat on a sawhorse, his long legs stretched out in front of him.

“I’m not going back.”

“Not going back…What do you mean?” Lily felt the color leach from her face. But his uniform the other day…and the way he’d spoken…Her knees wobbled as her emotions reeled. Did this mean he wasn’t leaving? That he would be here in Larch Valley? For a brief moment she rejoiced. Then she remembered she had turned him away. She had been the one to refuse.

Had he actually said the words at her house? Or had she simply assumed by his appearance that he was being taken off his temporary status? Had he been let go because of his disability?

Once again, she didn’t know the answers. He hadn’t let her in. Once again, he hadn’t trusted her. She tasted the bitterness of futility in her mouth.

“I applied for a voluntary discharge. I’m not going back into the army. I’m going into partnership with Andrew instead. Trading in my stripes for cowboy boots.”

The light was dim in the tack room, but Lily could see enough to know he was completely serious. “But…but…” she stammered. The army was everything to him. He’d said so. There had never been any doubt. “When you came to the house the other day…”

“You made it very clear my proposal was unwelcome.”

His steady regard sent her nerve endings skittering. “You had on your uniform,” she insisted.

“I had been to a funeral.”

“And you never said…you never mentioned you were even considering this!” She backed up slightly, leaning against the doorjamb, letting it support her. That was the trouble, wasn’t it. He
never
said. He kept her in the dark.

His smile was small, cold. “Why does it matter? I’d made my decision before then anyway.”

Leaving the army, putting his life as a soldier behind him for good? It didn’t make sense. His whole identity was wrapped up in being a soldier.

“Why? The army is everything to you. You told me it was your
home
.” She took a step inside the room, putting her hands in her jeans pockets. She was so tempted to go to him, and knew she must not.

“The army made up for a lot of things that were missing in my life. For a lot of years, it was my family. But in the end, I knew I’d only be going back in an administrative role.” He waved his hand, encompassing the tack room. “I can’t be shut up in an office, Lily. I would be grossly unhappy. I need to be outdoors. Where there is room to breathe. I wouldn’t be able to go back and be with my men again. And Andrew’s here, and Jen. I love this place, always have, even when I had to get away from it. I think I started to remember when we delivered Gorgeous.”

They were good reasons, but Lily’s heart sank, knowing that she wasn’t included in any of them. Emptiness opened up inside her. Never in her life had she felt so utterly left out.

“You’re not going, then.”

“No.”

“You might have told me that the other day.” She lifted her chin, torn between wanting to cry with relief that he wasn’t going and fear that he would want more from her than she could give. She knew it was unreasonable and unfair. She
knew it made no sense to want him to stay when her heart still quaked when she thought of marriage.

“And would it have made any difference?”

The quiet question struck her with the precision of an arrow. Would it? If he had come right out and said he was planning on staying in Larch Valley indefinitely, would her answer have been different? She would have her life, her job, her friends. No moving around, none of the weeks alone while he was away. And then she pictured herself standing at the front of the church, as Jen had with Andrew, and her chest contracted as panic threaded through her.

Noah boosted himself away from the sawhorse and came to stand in front of her. Her breaths shallowed at the mere nearness of him. Her fingers itched to reach out and touch him, to gather the light cotton of his T-shirt in her hands. “I tried to tell you what I’d decided, but you didn’t want to listen. You were so afraid, so bent on pushing me away that I knew.”

“Knew what?” She dared a glance upward, into his eyes. Saw his jaw tighten as he clenched his teeth. Her gaze dropped to his lips and for a moment he seemed to lean closer. Then his expression changed, just a hint of sympathy entering his eyes as he withdrew the slightest little bit.

“Knew that you were too afraid to say yes.”

Her eyebrows shot toward her hairline as the spell surrounding them broke. “How could I know you were staying here? Yes, I was afraid! You were asking me to leave my home behind, my job! My life that I’ve built here!”

“I was asking you to share your life with me, Lily.”

She turned away from the earnestness in his eyes. Took several deep breaths, trying to calm the frantic beating of her heart. She had desperately wanted to share herself with a man before, and it had gone so very wrong. Love was one thing. And she did love him. How could she not? But marriage, that was
quite another. The act of giving your life to one person for safekeeping forever. Or until they decided to hand it back to you.

“You’re scared.” Noah came forward and spun her around with his hand. “The idea of marriage scares you to death, I know that. I knew that when I asked you! Don’t you think I’m scared? Do you know how hard it was to tell you I loved you?”

“I’m sorry it was such a burden!” Her eyes flashed up at him. Why did she continually feel as though she was an obligation? She needed him to share his life with her, as well. If only he could see that!

“Don’t do that!” he yelled, exasperated. “That’s not it at all, and you know it!”

“I can’t let myself love you, don’t you see that?”

He gave her arm a little shake. “Look at me, Lily. I’ve done nothing but think about how I would support you. Worry about how my physical challenges might affect a relationship.” He let go of her arm and ran his fingers through his hair. “Dammit, woman,” he muttered, quieter now. “I wasn’t even sure how to hold you on the dance floor. How would I manage making love?”

The backs of her eyes stung at his honest admission. She’d known all along about his insecurities. “Do you really think I care about any of that?” Her voice was raspy, raw with all the emotions she was trying to hold back.

“I worried about it and I asked you anyway. Because I thought you trusted me. But I realized something even more important. I realized that this had nothing to do with me being in the forces or working Lazy L. This has to do with you and what you’re really afraid of.”

A knot tightened, grew in Lily’s core. Afraid? Hell yes, she was afraid. She’d never wanted this. Never wanted to feel so strongly again. Never wanted to be tempted to throw it all away for the love of one person. She’d sworn she’d never do
it again. She’d had to keep reminding herself that he was temporary. She’d felt safe in knowing it. But now he wasn’t temporary, and somehow the fear remained.

“You want love with boundaries, Lil. It was okay when you knew I’d be leaving again. I thought so, too. When I first got here, all I wanted was to get better and get back to the regiment.”

“What changed?” Lily chanced a look up, feeling moisture on her cheeks but ignoring it.

“You changed me. You made me look at things differently. I told you things I hadn’t talked about with anyone ever. You helped me when I needed it but let me stand on my own two feet, too, like the day we delivered the foal.” He lifted his hand and grazed her cheek with a finger. “You made me feel like a man again.”

“Noah, don’t…” Her voice broke on the last word, but he persisted, his soft voice relentless. He cupped her cheek.

“I was safe when I was going away. It’s not marriage that you doubt, Lily. Your problem is that you don’t believe in love. Not the forever kind.”

He leaned forward and kissed her forehead gently. “The kind I want to give to you.”

Lily savored the touch of his lips on her forehead before forcing herself to back away. Was he right? Was that the nagging feeling that she couldn’t escape?

“Maybe I don’t,” she confessed. She pressed her hands to her hot cheeks for a moment, trying to find the words to explain all that she needed, wanted. “Maybe I don’t believe in it because I’ve never seen it.”

And then it was like beams of light into her mind and heart. That was it, wasn’t it. The reason why Jasmine had never settled on one man. The reason why she’d moved from relationship to relationship, taking Lily with her. She’d simply been searching and coming up empty. Looking for the mate
to complete the other half of her soul and never finding him. The reason why she’d been so flippant about Lily’s relationship with Curtis, insisting it wasn’t real.

And she’d been right. She’d been right because the real thing was standing before her right now and she knew what he was offering wasn’t enough. That was what she was afraid of. Not of loving him. She couldn’t help but love him. But that one day he’d realize he’d made a mistake and it would be over. That
his
love wouldn’t be forever.

She fled the tack room, needing to get out of the dark corners and into the sunshine where she could breathe. She had to find the words to tell him what she wanted. If she could even consider jumping into love—into marriage—it needed to be on her terms.