Her Guardians Lost (Her Guardians Trilogy #2) (8 page)

Thinking about it some more, I could already see it in Justin’s eyes before I ever touched him. I knew there was a frightened child inside. I knew he had witnessed things no child in their lifetime should ever witness.

I could mull over this for hours and still not have answers. I had to find out what happened. Those poor families needed answers. They had a right to bury their loved ones and close a chapter to this heartbreak they’ve all had to endure for years. They were just like Molly’s family, and they had a right to know what happened, a right to seek justice.

“You have to tell me where they are, Justin. I need to know so I can let the families have closure. They deserve it.”

I saw him close his eyes. I knew this had to be extremely hard for him. I wondered if he could picture it in his head. I was about to touch his hand when he spoke, “In North Devon, there is a plot of land my father owns. He bought it to build a retirement home on it one day. He never got around to doing it, though. It looks like he never will.”

Justin’s eyes looked up to me for a split second before dragging his gaze to the floor. Of course his dad wouldn’t want to build a house on this particular plot. Not if it was used as a resting place for all those poor, terrified children he unleashed his evil on.

“If the police took you, do you think you’d be able to find it?”

Justin sighed, not once taking his stare from the floor. “Unfortunately, yes.”

Patting his arm, I stood up. “I’ll let someone know.”

“Thank you,” he said.

Smiling, I reached for the door handle.

“What happened to your shoulder?”

I stood still for a moment, processing his question. When I didn’t answer straight away, he looked up. “I got shot.” I smiled, thinking honesty was the best policy.

“How on earth did that happen?”

“Let’s just say that my line of work can get a bit treacherous.” I pulled the door open and quickly went through it. I had enough for one day.

I saw Simon and he immediately rose to his feet when he saw me. I threw my hands up in the air for him to wait a moment. I had somewhere to go first.

Running to the toilets, I violently heaved the contents of my stomach. The image of seeing Justin’s terrified eyes came at me like a ferocious storm.

I knew I always wanted to help, but I was tired of it all. I was tired of seeing things in my head, tired of feeling other people’s pain when my own was bubbling on the surface, tired of feeling the world on my shoulders as I strived to keep everyone happy. And I really wanted people to be happy. I wanted to make everything okay, heal wounds, help people. I just didn’t know if I had the strength to do it anymore. Not after what I just witnessed.

Trying to calm myself, I took a few deep breaths. I flushed the toilet, washed my mouth and hands, then proceeded out of the bathroom door.

Simon was waiting with his shoulder propped up against the door frame. “Are you okay?” I could see the worry in his eyes.

I nodded and took another breath. “Yes. Thank you. I just found out some things that…that…” I couldn’t get the words out. Simon saw my suffering and offered me a hug. I accepted it. I needed solace—I needed to feel I had someone after this desperate feeling of loneliness.

Simon held me and let me take all the time I needed to get over whatever bothered me. Once I had calmed, I pulled away and smiled at him. I relayed the conversation to him as he listened in shock. I saw horror, I saw despair.

After several seconds of silence, Simon seemed to gather his composure. “I’ll go speak to someone.”

He walked away and I found a chair to sit down in. Silence filled the space until I saw the guard come out with Justin Merryfield. I looked into his sorrowful eyes. I’m sure he saw the despair in mine. I could see the acceptance of that despair, but it didn’t help dissipate this gut-wrenching feeling in my stomach.

“How did you do it? How could you have possibly known?” Justin said in obvious awe.

The guard looked over, not sure I should answer that question. I could see the hesitation. Was he actually concerned for my well-being?

Trying to be nonchalant about the whole thing, I just shrugged. “I don’t know. I guess it was just a hunch.”

“That’s bullshit. You and I both know it.”

The outburst shocked me, but I stood my ground. The guard yanked him by the arm. “That’s enough from you.” The guard nodded to me and pulled Justin down the hall. All the while, I could hear Justin protesting about how I knew, how I could have had a hunch like that.

Silence filled the hall again until Simon returned. He took one look at me and sighed. “I’ve taken care of things. Let’s get you home. You look exhausted.”

Standing up, I smiled and linked my good arm with his. “Thank you. I am feeling a little sleepy.”

Quickly, we walked out into the parking lot. Simon held the passenger door open for me. “You know, Sharice really wants to meet you. She wanted me to ask you for dinner tomorrow night. I’m not sure if you would like to come, but I thought I would—”

“I would love to.” I needed this now. I needed to be around people and take comfort in others.

Simon took a deep breath. I could tell he had been nervous about asking. “Okay. I didn’t think you would want to after what happened.”

“Simon, I’m fine. I would love to meet your family.”

“Great! She wants to cook my mum’s favourite jerked chicken recipe. I’m not sure how it’s going to turn out, but my mum will be there to help her.”

The thought of a homemade meal had me salivating. “Sounds wonderful.”

Stepping back, Simon said, “Good, you can bring Stephen along.” Then he shut the door.

At the thump of the door closing, I was left with heartache. I missed him. If I could bring Stephen along, I certainly would.

Simon got in the car and started the engine. I smiled nervously and played with my fingers. I knew he liked Stephen, especially after what he did for him that day. He seemed to hold us both in high regard. I suppose that was one day in his life he would never forget.

Chapter 6

The whole journey home, I kept fidgeting with my fingers. I wasn’t sure why, but I had this sudden urge to be at home. I just had this aching need to feel something familiar.

Once Simon pulled up outside my flat, I pulled the handle of the door to leave. Simon quickly grabbed my arm. “Thank you again for today. You keep going above and beyond, and I never know how to thank you…except to keep thanking you.” He chuckled, which made me smile.

“Don’t mention it, Simon. I just want to get to the bottom of it all, get justice.”

Simon sighed and stared ahead “You have a good evening, Cassie. I’ll be in touch with the time and everything for dinner.”

Sliding out of my seat, I held the door. “I’m looking forward to that. See you tomorrow then.”

Simon nodded and I quickly shut the door before he drove off. I wasted no time getting back inside. I needed solace and the remembrance of all the good times.

How on earth could I bring Simeon tomorrow and pretend he’s Stephen? How could I possibly trash his memory by being with his twin like that?

I sank to the floor. Looking up, I saw the little music box Stephen bought for me. Grabbing it, I opened it and watched as the little ballerina danced to
Twinkle
,
Twinkle, Little Star.

Immediately, I could hear it. The sound of children’s laughter. Why did I keep hearing that? Why did it haunt not only my dreams, but my waking life? Why did it fill me with not only pain, but so much happiness that I couldn’t think straight?

“Stephen…,” I whispered into the empty room. “Stephen, I need you.” The tears rolled down my face as the desperation set in. “How am I going to live without you? Why does you going home fill me with such dread and anxiety? I feel selfish wanting you here. I always thought it was Michael because I met him first. He clouded my judgment so much, I couldn’t see the forest for the trees. It was never Michael. It was you. It was always you.”

I could feel the hysteria starting. “Why does it hurt so much? Why do I feel a part of me is missing? Why can’t I let you go?”

I had been trying. I really had. Today just seemed to open the floodgates to my misery. I had been trying to put on a brave face. I had been trying so hard to keep together my shattered heart so it wouldn’t break into a million pieces. How wrong was I to believe I could keep it together? It was shattered—it was broken. I was never going to see my one true love again, and I knew I would never to be able to mend. I knew my life would never be the same again.

That’s because you were a match made in heaven,
a little voice whispered in my head. It was like it was and wasn’t my voice. It kind of scared me. It never happened before so why am I hearing voices now? Why is it that since I got shot, my mind seems to scramble with these memories and sounds in my head?

“I love you, Stephen. I always have. I was too dumb and stupid to see what was right in front of me. Can you possibly forgive me? Can you ever see it in your heart to grant me this one wish? I
need
you, Stephen. I need to know you can hear me. I need to feel your touch, hear your words. Please, Stephen. I need this from you.”

My quiet sobs filled the air as I dipped my head, mourning the one I loved—the one I had lost forever.

Suddenly I felt it. The hairs on my arms rising. The tingling sensation I remember Stephen telling me about.

A small gasp left my lips and I frantically searched the room. I didn’t know if he would suddenly appear to me as a mirage, or whether this feeling would be the only thing he could give me. All I knew was I didn’t want it to end.

“Stephen?” I whispered, only to have the feeling intensify. “You’re actually here?” Unable to hide my joy, I suddenly laughed through my tears.

“I can suddenly feel the air in my lungs. I feel like I can finally breathe. I haven’t been able to do that since you left.” That was true. I had lost my lifeline, but I could feel him again. I could sense he was here with me, and nothing could compare to that feeling. I had felt so lost, I thought I would never be able to feel again. Just this one sensation filled me with not only love, but hope. Hope I thought would never come.

“I feel so bad, Stephen. I feel so selfish wanting you here when I know you are where you belong, where you’ve always wanted to be. I can accept that. I can have peace in the knowledge that you are happy now. I know you are with your family, who must have missed you, but it hurts, Stephen. I feel like I’ve been ripped apart at the seams. I don’t feel whole.
You’re
my whole. You always have been.”

My tears quickly subsided as the calm flowed through my body. I felt cocooned, filled with the most absolute love. I felt cherished, adored, protected, and fulfilled.

Laying my head on the sofa, I let the feeling wash over me. Let it encase me with its protective warmth. It was love. I could feel it. This intense invisibility clouding around me felt like no other. It filled me with such joy, my broken heart swelled with its tenderness.

I wasn’t stupid. I knew this feeling wouldn’t last forever. I knew I couldn’t keep Stephen here with me. But I was grateful he had come and momentarily helped heal my broken soul. The one that belonged to him now. The one that had always belonged to him.

“Thank you,” I said with a smile. “Thank you so much for giving me this precious gift. I will treasure it always.” Gently trailing my hands across the music box, I knew he understood what he gave to me far outweighed any present I could ever receive. Stephen was my present. Stephen was all my presents wrapped into one.

“If you can, please come in my dreams tonight. I want to see your face again. To touch it, caress it like I used to. I want to be in your arms, if only for a moment. I love you so much.”

I sat there as I felt the tingles form again. It was like no other feeling in this world. I could feel my heart react as it pulsed and pushed against my chest. Desire sparked and love blossomed within me as the feeling swept over me with such intensity, it made me gasp. God, I never wanted it to end.

But just as I had that feeling, it left. Suddenly, I knew he was gone and it left a huge hole in my heart. I hung my head and sighed. I had asked for him and he came. He swept me off my feet for the briefest of moments, and I will treasure it for the rest of my life. Even though he wasn’t here in body, he was with me in spirit. I could feel his love for me and I knew he could feel mine. For that one moment, I felt whole again. I knew Stephen was always going to be the only one who could give that to me. He was, and always will be, my everything.

Chapter 7

Stephen

Her words hit me hard.

She loved me?

She truly loved me and only me? How did I not see that? How could I not have known it was me she chose? I could feel her desperation for me and it tore me in half. I wanted so much to be able to be with her, touch her, caress her, hold her in my arms.

A part of her now knew. I could sense it in her. I could feel her desire, her frustration, and her need for answers. I knew they would never come, but it filled me with so much hope that something inside her, call it her subconscious, knew she was meant to be with me. I almost cried out with joy at the knowledge. Me…the man who thought for himself, risked everything, and didn’t let himself be ruled by anything…was practically dancing with jubilation.

She loved me. She loved
me
.

How could three little words mean so much? How could they turn your life upside-down, bringing new meaning to everything you had ever thought you knew? I knew nothing. I was fucking stupid to believe I did. Cassie was the exception to the rule. I felt bad that Michael was losing her to the likes of me, but the selfish part of me couldn’t help the euphoria running through my veins.

She loved me. She really did love me.

This changed everything. How could I live without her knowing she couldn’t live without me? I had to find a way to be with her. I had to fight for her—even if it was to my death. How on earth could she possibly feel that I would want this life more than her? How could she possibly feel I would want anything other than her? She was my life.

I had waited long enough. I knew they say patience had its rewards. My reward would be Cassie. I had to be with her. I had to make her mine once and for all. Her happiness was my only desire. She was my light in the dark, my sight to my eyes, my hearing to my ears. She filled all my senses because she was my whole.

She was certainly right about me being the air she breathed. We were each other’s oxygen. We couldn’t live without one another. She sustained my life, as I sustained hers. How could I possibly let her live her life knowing that? It just wasn’t an option.

I frantically scrambled to my feet in search of Archangel Gabriel. I had to seek permission to return. I didn’t think he would let me go so easily, but I had to try. I’d take whatever he threw at me as punishment, as long as it meant I would get to be with my Cassie again.

I was going to get her back and, this time, no one was going to stop me.