Her (34 page)

“Get up, right now,” Mom demanded.

I shook my head and rolled onto my side. I didn't ever want to move from that cold, tile floor.

“Do you just want to lie there and die?” she screamed.

I didn’t answer, and this made her even more irritated.

“Get the hell up, Kristen!”

She bent over me and grabbed my arm tightly. I groaned in pain. She yanked me up off the floor and threw me against the wall. I hit my head, hard. She was angry, and I knew what was coming next. Mom pointed her finger at my face. Her face was so close to mine that I could almost taste the two-to-eight cups of coffee that she must have drank at the hospital while she’d talked to the police, and while the doctors had examined Nick.

“Before this depression crap even starts, I’m going to tell you right now that I will not stand for it. You will not put me through this kind of hell while we go through this. After everything that we have been through today and before everything that we are about to go through, I want to get this one thing straight with you:
You are not allowed to break down like this.
I need you to be strong.
We
need you to be strong. While I am going to have to go to that courthouse with Nick and get through this divorce and conviction, I need you to look out for Alison. And the only way you can do that is if you have it together. If you can’t stand up and get your act together, Kristen, then I don’t know what to do with you. You are not a child. The attention cannot be on you right now. You have to be my equal and help me through this.”

She stared at me for a response, but I didn't make a sound. In frustration and anger, a reflex must have triggered. She raised her hand and slapped me hard across my face.

“Is this the only way to get through to you? Is this how I get a response from you?”

I held onto my face in pain, and I stared up at her, shocked. The blow had come unexpectedly. This made a single tear come out of my eye. She took a step back from me and shook her head.

“Mom,” I cried. “Why?”

She said, “I don’t know what came over me, Kristen. I don’t want it to be this way. I just need you to understand that we have to stick together now. We have to start a whole new life. It’s a whole new beginning.”  She paused.  “Listen, Jack is gone. He’s gone now. I know that he hurt us as a family, not just Nicholas.”

“How do you know?” I asked.

“He’s not coming back to hurt us. He’s taking a plea deal. He’s admitted to his wrong, so he’s going to jail and staying there.”

“I won’t have to see him again?”

“No,” she said, relieved that I was talking to her. “Nick and I are going to have to go to court, but it’s just to give testimony and for Jack’s sentencing. You won’t have to be there.” She seemed excited while telling me this. “We will be all right, Kristen. I need you to help us. We are going to move out of this place, and we are going to get a new everything. It will be a new beginning for us. Okay?”

I nodded, trusting her. I thought that maybe I could just let it go. That maybe it would be easy.

“Okay, Mom,” I said as she reached her arms out to me. “A new beginning.” I fell into her arms, where I knew it was safe.

Dr. Pelchat stared at my mother as she finished explaining Jack’s sentencing and Nick’s testimony.

When she was finished, he asked, “So, Kristen did not get to give her testimony about what she had seen? I mean, after all, she was the one who'd walked in on your ex-husband abusing your son.”

Mom shook her head and said, “Because of Jack admitting his wrong–doing, we did not need Kristen getting involved. I wanted to keep her out of it.”

“Why?” Dr. Pelchat asked. “Wouldn’t it have been good for Kristen to be able to talk to someone about what she had seen?”

“I thought I was doing right by her. I didn’t want her to get involved if she didn’t need to. She was just a child. The toll it was taking on Nick, all the pressure, and the attorney’s questioning. The judge and courts, it would have all taken such a toll on her. I wanted to avoid putting any more stress on the rest of my family if I could help it.”

Dr. Pelchat didn’t look as though he was satisfied with that answer. He closed his eyes and rubbed his forehead. Sighing, I could see him trying to hold back judgment.

He finally said, “You see that the pain that Kristen is going through now is a result of your neglect. She should have been allowed to talk to someone. Maybe not the judge, because he had all the evidence and confessions needed to convict and sentence your ex-husband, but Kristen should have been allowed to see a counselor, just like your son did. In fact, all of you - the entire family - should have seen a counselor together, as well as individually.”

Mom sat in silence. She looked at me as I sobbed in the chair. I glanced at her, and she rolled her eyes coldly at me. She turned back to Dr. Pelchat.

“How’s your son?” he asked Mom.  “Does he show any signs of depression, or has he had any suicide attempts?”

Defensively Mom immediately replied, “No! He would never do anything like
this girl
did!”

The way she said “this girl” made me flinch, as though she had raised her hand to hit me in the head with a blunt object. Mom was upset and getting defensive. Dr. Pelchat must have sensed an argument approaching.

“That’s good to hear,” he told her. “And now we have to make sure that Kristen gets through this and doesn’t do anything like this again.”

“I hope so,” she said, turning to me again. “We can’t go through this again.” Her eyes pierced me fiercely.

Dr. Pelchat leaned towards me with a box of tissues. I grabbed them, blew my nose, and cleaned up my face. Dr. Pelchat looked as if he couldn’t let something go.

He finally asked Mom, “I’m going to go ahead and take a shot in the dark and ask if you have any idea what may have made Kristen go as far as she did?”

“You mean when she tried to-”

“Yes,” Dr. Pelchat responded immediately.

Mom looked at me. Her stern and piercing eyes dared me to speak. She knew what I knew, and she was not going to say it.

She shook her head and said, “It just had to be a lot of things built up inside of her. I’m just glad that she is alive, and now she is getting the helps she needs.”

She was still staring at me, piercing me with her eyes. Her act was so good. I knew the truth behind it. She didn’t tell him, and she didn’t want me to tell him.

Why, Mom? Why?

He opened his mouth to speak, but suddenly his phone rang. He answered, “Dr. Pelchat.”

Whoever was on the other end was giving him an earful, because he didn’t say a word. He just nodded and sighed. He looked at me and uncrossed his legs impatiently.

Finally, he said, “All right. No worries. See you then.” He hung up the phone. He looked at Mom and said, “I’m afraid I’m going to have to say that our time is up for the day.”

Mom stood up and started gathering her belongings to leave. Dr. Pelchat assured her that this would not be our last meeting. He said that, before I was discharged, a final family meeting was required.

Mom seemed relieved to be leaving. Before Dr. Pelchat opened the door, she asked if she could be left alone with me for a moment. Dr. Pelchat looked at me to make sure that I would be all right. I wiped the last of my tears away and nodded at him.

He looked at Mom and said, “I will be right outside the door.” He opened the door, and when he stepped out, he shut it behind him.

Mom turned to me and smiled. She said, “You feel better?”

Not knowing how to respond, I just nodded silently.

This frustrated her. She hated when I was not vocal in my responses to her. She moved in closer to me and raised her hand. I flinched, not knowing what to expect.

She laughed. “Relax,” she said. She touched my sorry attempt at making a neat ponytail. “You need to use your hair brush.” She twiddled my hair and tried to fix the dead ponytail. “Do you need me to bring you anything else when I come back?”

I shook my head, still refusing to speak. It wasn’t because I was trying to vex her, because I wasn’t. I was just ashamed and felt terrible. She was trying to help me, and she worked so hard, alone, and I only made it harder for her.

“Well, I have to go, Kristen. I have to go and take care of Alison and Nicholas. They need me. You know,” she said, with a smile that I didn’t quite understand, “in less than a month, you will be eighteen. You will be all grown up, and you will have to be able to take care of yourself.”

It somehow felt like she was letting go of me, but I didn’t know for sure. She was getting at something. My heart began to race in anticipation of what she was going to say.

“Kristen,” she said kindly. “It’s nothing to be afraid of. You have to grow up. You have to turn eighteen. When you get out of here, you will be fine. I believe that Dr. Pelchat is here to help you, and he said that you are doing well. I know you will be just fine. Just concentrate on getting better and getting out of here. Finish your homework and get those last few lessons out of the way so that you can graduate from home school and you can move on with your life. That’s what we want, right? We want a new and better life. It will be a new beginning for you when you are out of here.”

She looked at me with so much hope. I couldn’t let her down.

I nodded and said, “I’m sorry, Mom.”

She smiled and closed her eyes. She spread her arms out and let me fall into them. That was where I felt safe.

“You’ll make it up to me. Just get better and get out of here so that we can have you home. Get whatever it is out of your system, now that you have the chance. Lingering over things will just make you sicker. Be strong and be a good example to Nicholas and Alison.”

I pulled away and looked at her. She put my face between her hands by placing a palm on each cheek. She said, with that confusing smile, “You don’t want to be the example of what they learn what
not to do
from. You want to be a good, big sister. Okay?”

“Yes,” I said. It was true. I did want to be a good, big sister.

She gently pushed me away. Her smile was warm and less confusing now. She was satisfied. Or so I thought. I started to open the door, but she stopped me. She looked into my eyes.

“Kristen,” she said. “One last thing. Do you want to tell me
why
you did this to yourself?” She gestured to my wrists.

Didn’t she know? I thought she knew. “I want to tell you,” I said. I felt the tears begin to well up again.

“Then tell me,” she said warmly and trustingly.

I took a deep breath and thought back to when I’d swallowed the pills and when I’d picked up the knife. I shook my head. Mr. Sharp wanted me to stop. He wanted to grab me and cover my mouth, but I pushed him away as hard as I could.

“Jack’s letter,” I pushed out.

Mom gasped. She shook her head in disbelief. “No,” she said.

“I read it,” I admitted.

“Kristen, that has nothing to do with you.”

“What about Nick? Mom? Are you going to be there for Jack? I know that he wants you there.”

Mom’s smile was nowhere to be found. Her eyes were big and her mouth was open.

“I knew it. I knew you had read it. Kristen, is this why? Is this why you are putting us through this crap? You should know me better than this. Why would I even...” she took a deep breath to calm herself. “You should have come to me so we could have talked about it.”

“Why didn’t you tell me about the hearing, Mom?” I asked.

She was stunned in disbelief. “How dare you? I was trying to protect you.
Is this
the way you treat me? I don’t appreciate your tone, either. I have been here for you every single day. I have come here and I have taken care of you. I could just go and not come back until it’s time for you to get out of here. Or, if they decide to leave you in here until you are eighteen, then I won’t have to come back. Maybe that would make it easier. How would you feel if I did that?”

Fear grew inside me. I shouldn’t have spoken up. I should have just nodded my head and agreed with her. It would make it easier on her if they did leave me here or send me to a long-term hospital.

Afraid that was what she was going to let happen, I pleaded, “I’m sorry, Mom. I
am
sorry. I won’t say anything about it to Dr. Pelchat. That’s not why I did it. I don’t know why I did it. I was scared, or I was just not thinking. I am so sorry. I will make it up to you. I promise.”

“Yes, you will,” she said to me. She seemed to calm down after my apology. “Just get out of here so that you can come home. Do what you have to do in your groups, take your test, and take your medicine. And, if you do have a Borderline Personality Disorder thing he was talking about, just get through it. Be strong.”

“Yes, Mom. I will never do this again and wind up in here again,” I told her.

“I know you won’t, Kristen,” she said. “Because next time you will only have
yourself
to deal with.”