Hellsbane Hereafter (9 page)

Abram shook his head, suitably scared straight. He wouldn’t be picking up swords anytime soon. He looked Eli up and down. “And what are you?”

“He’s—” Dan started to say, but I interrupted.

I held up a hand to make sure he didn’t say more. “An angel. Like the ones who visit you.” It was the truth, and I looked at Dan to see if it was enough. I didn’t want the kid to know the angels he’d been trusting were Fallen. They hadn’t hurt him, and they wouldn’t, if Jukar had anything to say about it. For now, he was safe. Ignorant, but safe. The only risk would come from the seraphim.

Dan nodded, and Crissy stepped up beside him. Reading the expressions between us, she gave her silent approval as well. They’d let it go, let the kid believe what he wanted. I looked back to Abram, relief relaxing across my shoulders.

I hadn’t told Abram everything, but I’d told him enough to keep him from doing something stupid that would screw up his life forever. It was like letting a baby play with a loaded gun and hoping he didn’t figure out how to flick the safety off. Dumb.
Dumb, dumb, dumb
. But it wasn’t my call. It was Jukar’s, and I had to play obedient little daughter until I could get enough info to trade with Michael. It sucked, hard
.
But I’d do whatever I had to for Eli.

Dan rubbed a hand over his peach-fuzz hair and sighed. “We should talk.”

“Right. I’ll meet you downstairs.” I turned to Abram as Dan and Crissy left his room. “Listen, that thing you did, talking to my mind?”

“Yeah.” He blushed, and on his pale skin it looked like a burn. “Sorry about that. I don’t even know how I did it. But it…it felt really…really, y’know…great.”

“Okay.” I felt a little flush myself. “Yeah. Don’t do it again. I mean, unless it’s an emergency. If it’s not an emergency, use a phone. Got it?”

He sunk his hands into the front pockets of his slacks and nodded. “Sure. I can do that.”

“And about that ring.”

I could see his fist in his pocket, but his smile hiked up on one side. “Sorry, Emmy, I’m keeping the ring. He told me it would protect me when I needed it most.”

“It’s Emma actually, and as far as I know, that ring has nothing to do with protection.” My gaze dropped to his pocket. I knew what that ring could do, the damage it could cause, not just to Abram but to everyone around him.

I’d first seen it years ago when my college boyfriend used it to call up a soul-sucking jinni. It’d nearly killed him and most of the underclassmen at California University of Pennsylvania before I banished him with Mihir’s help. He’d insisted he knew how to keep it out of the wrong hands. But there it was, in such wrong hands.

My boyfriend at the time had been a self-centered egomaniac who didn’t have a clue what kind of power he was messing with. I had to hope Abram knew better. Short of wrestling him to the ground, I wasn’t getting that ring off of him. Maybe Jukar could talk some sense into him. Unless he’d been the one who’d given him the ring.

Abram shrugged. “Agree to disagree.”

“Agree to be a fool,” Eli grumbled.

My brother shrugged again with a smug grin.

Idiot.
“Fine. Just don’t conjure anything with it.” I gave the nasty ring one last look, then turned to leave.

His head tilted. “Huh?”

“Nothing. I’ll be in touch.” I went downstairs to talk to Dan.

I had to admit, I was kind of glad to see him standing at the base of the stairs alone. I turned back to Eli. “You mind if I talk to him for a minute?”

Eli’s gaze flicked to Dan. His eyes seemed to go a shade darker, and I watched him swallow. His jaw clenched, but he forced a smile across his lips that didn’t come close to lighting his face and looked back to me. “Take all the time you need. I’ll go speak to Jukar about the ring.”

“Thanks.”

He leaned close, his fresh, soothing scent wrapping around me, filling my lungs. He stroked a finger under my chin to lift my face, the simple touch humming through me. I should’ve pulled away, but then he hesitated a hairsbreadth from my lips and whispered, “I love you.”

My willpower shriveled, and all I wanted was his kiss. It was just a quick touch of his lips, innocent as kisses go, except at the last instant, Eli slipped his mind into mine, let me see and feel his thoughts, his love. My breath caught, and my chest constricted. The angel’s emotions spun through my mind so quick and intense I couldn’t think. Things low inside me pulled tight, reacting to him, to his desire, to his raw, uninhibited vulnerability to me.

Too quickly, Eli pulled from our kiss, leaving my lips tingling and my balance wobbly. I opened my eyes, my mouth gaping. He winked at me from inches away. “Hold that thought for me, would you?”

And then he was gone.

Dan was conveniently checking his email or something on his phone when I turned around. I didn’t think for a second he still had romantic feelings for me, but I got that seeing your ex with her new flame was kind of awkward.

“Thanks for hanging back.” I jogged down the last few steps to stand next to him.

“No problem.” Dan flashed me his old, familiar grin that made his eyes twinkle. “We need to get some things straight, figure out what’s going on, where we stand. It’s been a while since we talked.”

Dan was taller than me by a few inches but still kind of short for a guy. He always reminded me of a wrestler. Maybe because he’d been on his high school team and still kept his muscled body in top form. His hair was still super short, about a quarter of an inch long, and the color of a perfectly done, golden-brown biscuit. It was a hard style to pull off, but I’d always thought he had the right face shape for it with those plump, pinchable cheeks.

I hadn’t seen him since Eli’s fall, when just about everyone we cared about, everyone we thought cared about us, turned their backs on Eli. The seraphim’s shunning of Fallen was as old as the abyss, a kind of accepted order of things.

I didn’t accept it. So I’d shunned
them
right back. Until my meeting with Michael.

“What are you going to tell your magister about the kid?” I hiked a thumb toward the ceiling.

Dan shrugged, hands on his hips. “The truth. That the Fallen are interested in him, visiting him, but I can’t really see why. Do you know?”

I shook my head, lying. “Maybe it’s because he’s got some innate awareness. The Fallen aren’t all the selfish jerks we thought. Some of them really love their children. They love humans, and they just want to be near them.”

He chuckled. “If you say so.”

I didn’t really care if he believed me. He was as narrow minded as the seraphim, as narrow minded as I used to be. “Are you going to keep trying to recruit him?”

I was supposed to protect Abram from the seraphim. But I’d only promised to keep him from being killed. I didn’t say anything about keeping him from being marked.

He propped his hands on his hips, his light brows wrinkling between his eyes. “You know we don’t really recruit. Illorum come willingly when they pick up a sword to defend God or one of His warriors. That’s how it works.”

“Except that Crissy offered Abram her sword.”

“Yeah, well.” His smile turned mischievous. “If the Fallen are so jazzed about him, you can’t blame us for wanting to snag him away.”

There was a time I would’ve agreed with him, but now, I’d gotten to know a lot of Fallen over the past months. I knew how many of them grieved the loss of their children and the women they’d given their grace for. Maybe the Fallen visiting Abram were just filling a void. I doubted it was that innocent, but y’never know.

I gave a noncommittal shrug. “I guess.”

His smile brightened. “I’ve missed you, Em. I mean, just knowing you’re around and doing okay.”

“I know. Me, too.” I enjoyed the warm comfort of an old friendship. “I—”

An elderly woman rushed into the room, her orthopedic shoes shuffling across the hardwood floors. Behind her lumbered a middle-aged man, a thick, dark mustache blanketing over his top lip and wavy black hair bushing out from his green safari hat. He was dressed head to toe in a green lawn care uniform, while the woman wore a white apron over her polyester pants and pearl-buttoned blouse. I figured it was a safe bet to assume they worked at the house, and I knew in an instant they were demons.

“Domina Hellsbane,” the woman said. “Is everything all right? We heard the fuss, but we knew you were here and weren’t sure if we should come to your aid.”

“
Si
.” The man eyed Dan. “Our swords are yours, Domina.”

Dan’s smile flattened, his suddenly somber gaze shifting to me. “Domina? I can’t believe I almost forgot you chose them over us.”

He pushed past me, heading for the door.

“Dan, wait. You don’t understand.”

He stopped, turning back to me. “What? What don’t I understand? What am I missing, Emma?”

I opened my mouth to explain. More than anything I wanted to tell him I hadn’t betrayed him or any of my fellow illorum. I wasn’t fighting for the Fallen. I wasn’t fighting for anyone. I was just trying to keep Eli alive. I was trying to fix what I’d screwed up. But I couldn’t tell him that. I couldn’t tell him any of it. So I snapped my mouth shut and looked away.

“Yeah. That’s what I thought.” He turned to leave but stopped again, looking back at me. “And by the way, don’t think for a second we forgot what Eli is now, what you did to him. We let him live this time. Next time, all bets are off.”

My mouth gaped. “You’d attack him? You used to be his friend.”

“He made his choices, just like you. I’m an illorum. I hunt Fallen. It’s what I was born to do. Remember?” He stormed out, making the perfect self-righteous exit.
Hate that.

Chapter Seven

I made Jukar’s driver cart me around the city in Dad’s limo for a few hours. I didn’t know the demon’s name. I didn’t bother to ask.

By the time I got home, Dan’s parting words had burned into my brain and made me question every decision I’d made over the past year. Why had I turned my back on my birthright, my innate compulsion to hunt and banish the Fallen? Why had I given in to my feelings for Eli? Why hadn’t I killed the thing that seduced my mother and ended all this insanity when I had the chance? I mean, I knew my reasons, and they seemed valid. But what if I was fooling myself? What if I was just making excuses, doing whatever I could to ignore some underlying truth?

What if there was something wrong with me, something soul-deep, that made me betray everyone who cared about me, made me rebel against everything that was good in my life? I was the daughter of a fallen archangel. That kind of supercharged DNA-turned-wicked has to have played a role in my genetic makeup, right? What if, in the end, I never really had a choice? What if, because of my father, I was born to go bad?

Ugh.
The knot in my stomach gave a hard tug, and I slammed the limo door behind me. I needed a hot bath and a long nap. I needed to think about something else for a while or to stop thinking altogether.

I checked my phone three times on the drive home. Mihir still hadn’t called me back. I checked again at my front door, then slipped the phone back into my purse and used my key to let myself in, though I could have just as easily teleported to the other side. I didn’t want to use my supernatural powers. I didn’t want to be reminded of just how unhuman I was. For now, for just a few hours, I wanted to be normal.

“Is everything all right?” Eli asked before I’d taken three steps into the living room.

I came to an abrupt halt.
So much for feeling normal.
The sexy fallen angel sat on my Gram’s antique Victorian sofa, one ankle crossed over the other knee. He held a paperback novel in his hands, a romance, judging by the cover. He could’ve passed for human easily. His rumpled dress shirt, sleeves rolled to his elbows, loose blue tie, and cheap dress slacks seemed too nondescript to be worthy of his true nature. The guy just didn’t care about fashion enough to refashion his clothes into something different. But his raw power, his allure, pulled at everything female inside me.
Dammit.
He wasn’t even close to human.

“Don’t you have somewhere to be?” I exhaled, trying to rein in my frustration and dial down the bitch level. “I mean, there must be newly Fallen who could use your guidance. You don’t have to hang around here worrying about me all the time if they need you.”

He closed his book. “Would you like me to leave?”

Yes.

No.

I don’t know.
I tightened the hold on my thoughts, fortifying my mind against anyone who might try listening in, including Eli. No reason he needed to be subjected to the little arguments I had with myself.

I sighed and marched toward the kitchen. “Do what you want.”

Eli was three steps behind me when I plopped my keys onto Gram’s laminate, fifties-style kitchen table and yanked the fridge open. I stood there for thirty seconds, staring at the contents. It wasn’t like the shelves were bare, but there was seriously nothing to eat. I finally grabbed the milk and shoved the door closed with my foot as I popped the carton open on my way to the counter and took a quick whiff.
Still good.
I grabbed a glass and poured, never once looking his way.

“What do I want? A little civility would be nice.”

I glanced at him, feeling even worse that I was taking my insecurities out on him. I shouldn’t be upset that he basically told everyone he wished he hadn’t fallen. I mean, of course he did. I’d been saying that all along. But he’d actually said it. Out loud. In front of everyone.
God, I need therapy.
I sighed and tapped a finger against my temple. “Sorry. Bad day in the old wheelhouse.”

He exhaled loud enough it could’ve been a sigh and leaned his shoulder against the archway into the kitchen, folding his arms over his chest. “What did Daniel say?”

I shrugged. Why did I even bother blocking him out of my thoughts? Sometimes it was just irritating that he knew me so well. “I don’t know what you mean.”

“You’ve managed to avoid most of your friends since—”

“Since they all turned their backs on us?”

“On me,” he corrected. “And yes. There was bound to be hurt feelings and things that needed to be said.”

“Right.” I closed the carton and walked it back to the fridge. After I bullied a spot for it in the door, I spotted the chocolate syrup behind the ketchup at the back of the second shelf and grabbed it. After three long squirts in my glass, I tossed it back in and closed the door. I was pretty sure I knocked over the ketchup and a few other things.

I snagged a clean-ish spoon from the sink and stirred. “He said he’d take your head next time he saw you. Nice, right?”

I chugged my milk, gulping it down like a hard-ass, if hard-asses drank chocolate milk. With the last of it dribbling down my neck, I gasped, wiped my mouth with the back of my hand, and set the glass in the sink hard enough to make a loud clunk.

“It’s to be expected.” The hurt that flashed through his eyes softened Eli’s normally rich tone. “It’s in his blood. Yours, too.”

“Not anymore. Jukar saw to that when he did whatever he did to me to make it so I don’t feel anymore. I’m useless as an illorum. I don’t have the drive to hunt like Dan does. Not anymore.”

Eli shoved himself straight, hands slipping into the front pockets of his slacks. “He also enhanced your powers and freed you from the restrictions Michael’s sword places on other illorum. Your powers are as they would’ve been had you come into them at birth. Most illorum are given only restricted access to their gifts.”

“You sound like Jukar or one of his flunkies. You a convert now?” I asked, only half joking.

He frowned, not seeing the humor in the question. “I’m only pointing out that it hasn’t been all bad.”

I snorted, grabbing my keys. “Right. Not seeing my family for almost a year has been such a blast.” I tried to push past him, but he snagged my arm at the elbow, his expression revealing his shortening patience with my glib tone.

“You didn’t have to shut them out. You turned your back on them, not the other way around.” He pulled me closer. “It was your choice.”

I jerked free. “Some choice. I couldn’t be with you, a fallen angel, and keep my illorum friends. Y’know, the people born to
hunt
fallen angels? And it’s not like I can stop by my mom’s for dinner now that I’m all buddy-buddy with your side and being followed by demons everywhere I go.”

It’s not that I was afraid demons would kill my mom or anyone else I loved. I’m the daughter of a fallen archangel. I’m their Domina. There were always a few demons following me around, or coincidentally showing up wherever I went. The longer I stayed, the more would show up. They wouldn’t dare harm my family, but when demons begin to amass in large numbers seraphim tend to take notice, then action. Ever since the war broke out, seraphim weren’t as concerned about humans getting caught in the crossfire as they once were. I couldn’t risk a full-out battle breaking out in my mom’s backyard.

However, I was being unfair to Eli, and I knew it. I could hear the vile words spewing out of my mouth, but I couldn’t stop them. I was tired and hurt by Dan’s snobbery, and I was terrified down to my bones that this was all my fault, that I was born wrong, and despite everything I tried, I was more corrupt and depraved than the worst of them.

“So you regret your choices?” He moved to stop my exit. “You would take back our time together, the intimacies we’ve shared? The love? Would you have things as they were before my fall?”

I gave him a bitter laugh. “Wouldn’t you?”

He met my eyes, his face serene. “No.”

Everything I’d given up, the worry I endured about screwing up and risking my family, my friends—it was nothing compared to what he’d lost, what I’d cost him. I couldn’t even stand to see myself in the mirror. How could he look at me with so much love in his eyes?

I blinked at him, genuinely confused. “Why not?”

In one fluid move, Eli closed the distance between us, his hands suddenly cupping my face, his bright blue eyes gazing down into mine. “Because there is nothing—
nothing
—in Heaven or on Earth I treasure more than you, Emma Jane.”

His gaze dropped to my lips, the pale color of his eyes warming. My stomach fluttered, and he drew closer, his warm breath tickling over my mouth. He hesitated, so close I could almost feel his lips brush mine when he whispered, “Because I love you.”

He kissed me, the perfect press of his lips to mine, the delicious suction, a gentle stroke of his tongue. My senses flared, the sweet, summery scent of him filled my lungs, and his warm honey taste teased over my tongue, sliding down my throat with the caress of his power. My body liquefied, and my fears began to melt.

If he loved me, did it matter whether I was born evil or not? If I could have him in my life, his arms around me, his kisses trailing over my body, his power stroking through me, adoring me, what more could I ask for? Pleasure hummed through my veins, and I wrapped my arms around his neck, pushing up to my toes, pressing my body to his. I wanted to forget, to stop thinking about what was wrong with me, and lose myself in the one thing that felt right.
Eli.

An unnatural wind rustled through my hair, the subtle shift of movement tweaking my senses, though we hadn’t taken a step. I knew without opening my eyes that we were no longer in the living room of my Pittsburgh home. I didn’t care. Eli’s arms tightened around me, crushing my body against the hard planes of his. His hand opened on the small of my back, slid down to my bottom, and pressed.

The thick line of his sex teased at my awareness, his body ready for me, wanting me as much as mine wanted him. Memories of so many nights in his arms called to me, his body moving inside of mine, the pleasure numbing my intellect so only my base, carnal self was left, wild and carefree. I wanted that—needed it. I needed him.

But he drew back, his embrace slacking around me, his lips leaving mine cold and empty. “Emma Jane, what’s wrong?” he whispered and kissed my forehead, then my cheek, and then the other. “I would never refuse you. I couldn’t, but I can tell there’s something other than passion behind your kiss. What is it? What’s wrong, my love? What are you running from?”

My eyes were only half open, my mind swimming in the magic of his touch, the solid feel of his body pressed to mine. I didn’t want to think about anything else, didn’t want to break the spell. “Just kiss me. Make love to me, Eli. Please.”

His strong arms opened, his hands going to my hips, and he pushed me back and bent to look me in the eye. “I will. Every moment forevermore. But first, you must look at me. Tell me what’s frightened you. Let me help battle your demons.”

I did as he asked and opened my eyes, my hands still resting on his broad shoulders. “It’s nothing. I just…I just don’t want to think. I don’t want to know what I know.”

“What do you know? What’s bothering you?”

I should just let him in, let him read my thoughts, know everything. But I couldn’t. There was too much he didn’t know, too much he couldn’t know, about Michael, about me. Frustrated, I sighed and shoved at his shoulders, stepping out of his reach. “Okay. Fine. I’m the daughter of a fallen archangel, and no matter how much I want to do the right thing, I’m destined to ruin everything I touch. That’s what I know. Happy?”

I turned my back to him, finally taking in my new surroundings. My heels sunk into the white sand beach beneath my feet, and before me stretched the clear blue water of an endless ocean. Yards behind us, the sand gave way to rolling dunes covered with high green grass. Beyond that the grass melted into the rocky cliffs of a cloud-tipped mountain. I spotted a house higher up, a wide, open porch offering a picturesque view for its occupants. Was that for us? I refused to ask, knotting my arms across my belly and turning back to stare out at the ocean.

The sun was just low enough on the horizon to burn the sky with deep reds, brilliant oranges, and soft yellows. Higher up, the coming night hinted with its rich purples and dark blues melting into the brilliant sunset. It was beautiful, and I dismissed it with an angry sniff.

I’d noticed without really looking at the white canopy we stood beneath, the torches flaming at each corner, the round, cushioned lounge chair beside me, the Champagne chilling in a golden bucket next to it. Stubbornly, I ignored it all. I was in a pissy mood, mad at everything and nothing.

“You give biology too much credit.” His hands rested softly on my shoulders, and though our bodies didn’t touch, I felt the nearness of him at my back. More than anything, I wanted to lean into him, feel his strength cradle me, let him battle my inner demons like he’d offered. I didn’t.

“I’m giving the facts credit. There’s no way to deny it. Tommy, Jaz, Fred…
you
. All of you would’ve been better off if I’d stayed out of your lives. I wanted to help, or at least do right by them, but I got them all killed. And you—”

He spun me around so fast I had to stumble to stay on my feet. “You did nothing to me. Do you understand? Do you? Say it.”

I blinked but refused to be shocked into agreement. “No. I won’t. Eli, I’m not an idiot. You didn’t fall on your own. I pushed you. If I hadn’t—”

“If you hadn’t accepted me into your bed, I would’ve given up my grace for some other reason,” he said.

I swallowed hard against the bite of his words. I thought it was me, that he loved me, fell for me. Hadn’t he? He was lying, trying to spare me. Wasn’t he? His confession at Abram’s house echoed through my memory, twisting my gut. “So you don’t love me?”

“I do. I love you more than I can describe, more than I’ve ever loved anything. But I didn’t fall because of it.” He still held me by the shoulders, gazing deeply into my eyes so I couldn’t look away. “Emma Jane, my fall began eons ago, the moment I stood in the presence of my Father’s greatest creation. I loved humanity then, as I love it now. I loved it more than I should, and I couldn’t refuse that love though I tried for half of eternity. I know now I couldn’t have fought my adoration forever. I would have traded my grace to be nearer to them. I would have fallen even if I’d never met you. Meeting you, having you, simply made the fall easier to endure.”