Heat Wave (35 page)

But the only thing I can manage to ask is, “Why do you hate me so much, mom?” My voice is broken, ruined, weak. “What did I ever do to you?”

The silence says everything and nothing at all.

“Give him back his ring, Veronica. Do the right thing. Even if you don’t care about Juliet’s honor or my reputation or your self-respect, even if you don’t give a shit about any of that, think about Logan. Do you really want to be the one to ruin all that he’s worked for? Do you want to be the one to crush his legacy? The man has been through so much. Do you want to make him lose it all?”

“Fuck you, mom,” I tell her and hang up the phone.

But the act seems worthless. Because she’s already won. She’s right.

My fingers go to the ring, the beautiful ring, and twirl it around, trying to gather strength from it, trying not to cry. Could I be the one to call it off? Do I tell Logan what just happened? Do we try and find a solution together?

Or would that ruin everything anyway? I know Logan. He loves me. He’s stubborn. And he’s not going to let me go without a fight. If I tell him what we’re faced with, he’ll give up the hotel. He’ll let my parents take back Moonwater and he’ll lose all that he’s worked for in order to keep me.

Can I live with myself if that happens? Can I marry him knowing I ruined his life, that I made him lose it all?

Or do I get up and walk away to save him.

Do I tell Logan the biggest lie I’ve ever told and break his heart in order to keep this piece of paradise for him?

I sit down on the couch, numb.

This is going to hurt beyond belief.

CHAPTER TWENTY

They say that life isn’t measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

I have to agree with that.

When I first laid my eyes on Logan, I was breathless. I knew he would have a significant impact in my life, even though I had no idea he would
become
my life. He was Juliet’s for so long, and I accepted that as much as I could. Everything else was a shameful, hopeless dream.

And I am breathless now.

Because I am breaking.

Breaking inside, fragments, jagged and sharp.

Breaking in slow motion.

I am paralyzed by this decision, a decision that can only be mine, one that will destroy everything I love no matter what I do.

I don’t know how long I stand in the middle of the living room. I don’t know where to go, what to do. I’m a robot, I’m on autopilot, I’m a zombie.

This can’t be happening; this can’t be happening.

But you knew it
, I tell myself.
You knew it would be this way. You knew you would never get away with it.

And yet I still had hope. Sometimes you tell yourself to expect the worst, sometimes you let yourself become jaded and realistic, because you know the chances of getting burned are high. And yet, no matter how much you try and harden your soul, shackle your heart, hope has a way of getting in. As the late Leonard Cohen said, the cracks are where the light gets in. And with that light comes hope.

I knew this was coming, I knew it wouldn’t be easy. But I still had hope, foolish hope, that refused to be buried. Hope that Logan and I would be allowed to live out our happily ever after under the sun, stars, and moon.

It’s that persistent sliver of hope that’s killing me right now.

I have to break up with Logan.

I have to return the ring.

I have to leave him.

I know my mother’s threats weren’t made in vain. I know what it’s like to damage her pride and reputation. I know she will fight back with everything she has, and in order to preserve what she is and what she’s fought for, she will take this away from Logan.

I can’t be the cause of that. I can’t. I couldn’t live with myself if Logan ended up stripped of everything he fought so hard to get. As much as I love him, as much as he loves me, I can’t be worth more than this place, and I won’t let myself be.

Logan.

Losing Logan.

The thought makes me double over, my knees hitting the tile floor with a sickly thud. I cry out in pain but it’s not my knees, it’s my heart, seeping open and bleeding. The pain is physical, deep, a fish hook that I can’t reach.

I cry out but there is no sound. My mouth is open, gaping and I can’t scream, I can’t breathe. Low, guttural noises rip through me as my lungs strain and strain.

I can’t make this choice.

I can’t throw all of this away.

I crawl to the couch and pull myself up, fingers digging into the cushions like an injured animal. I can’t imagine life without him, without being here. There has to be another way, there has to be.

Taking in a deep breath, I turn my phone over in my hands.

With what strength I have I call my father’s cell phone.

He answers right away, not even giving me enough time to process what I was going to say, let alone how to figure out how to speak.

“Veronica,” he says, his tone is hushed. I already know that my mother must be somewhere near him and that thought causes a dark, thick rage to boil inside my throat. “Is that you?”

“Daddy,” I say, my voice is so low and broken it doesn’t even sound human. “How could you?”

He sighs unsteadily. “Listen, dear, you know we love you.”

That was always my dad’s thing, to tell me “you know we love you” without having to tell me that they love me. If I knew they loved me, this wouldn’t be happening. I wouldn’t be who I am and I wouldn’t be begging my father.

“I love him,” I whisper.

“Whether you do or you don’t doesn’t have any bearing Veronica, and you know this. Your mother and I…she has a lot to lose. What will it look like to the world to have you marry your dead sister’s widower? It’s beyond reproach and you know it.”

“What will it look like?” I repeat. “You keep saying that, what will it look like, because you’re so fucking scared of what people think and see of you, that you have no regard for your own daughter and her feelings.”

“Oh hush now,” he says, “don’t be absurd. We have total regard for you and your feelings, that’s why we know this won’t work.”

“What?”

“We’re your parents, Veronica. We’ve watched you your whole life, your fascination with Juliet, trying to be like her. It’s normal, completely normal, for the youngest to try and emulate the oldest. But this is going too far. You know, if you reach deep inside yourself, you’ll see that whatever you think you have with Logan, whatever your feelings are for him, they aren’t real. It’s manufactured by your brain to make up for losing Juliet. By keeping Logan, you keep her alive. Maybe it’s the same for him, I don’t know, but either way it isn’t what you think it is.” He sighs. “Your mother and I are trying to prevent you from making a big mistake and costing our reputation. Can’t you think logically for one moment and see that?”

I swallow painfully, shaking my head. My tongue is pressed against the roof of my mouth. No words come out.

“I have to go, your mother is waiting,” he says. “We’re going out for dinner, you know, our usual New Year’s celebration with Aunt June. But listen, we can talk later. We can talk about all of this.”

“There’s nothing to talk about,” I whisper.

Another loud sigh. “If that’s what you think, then I guess that means you’re not changing your mind. You know dear, if it were up to me, I would give Logan time to buy us out and own it outright. But we can’t let this happen. Your mother…it’s her career that made us all who we are.”

“And I hate who I am.”

“Sometimes I do too. But this is life. And you have to make sacrifices sometimes. I’m sorry that this is yours but you have a choice. Come back home and start again. Or stay with him, and he’ll lose the hotel. There is no other way here and you know it. I know you do. Do the right thing for us all. For you, for Logan, for Juliet, for us. Do the right thing Veronica.”

I shake my head, dead tears falling from my eyes. “Juliet would have understood.”

“No, dear. Juliet is the reason we are doing this. To honor her, even if you won’t. I’ll book you a flight home so you don’t have to spend your money, you have enough experience now on your resume anyway and can start again. We all will. Together, as a family. See, this might even be a great thing. It might be the reason for everything.”

I don’t know what happens next. I’m caught in some kind of vortex, alternating between going numb and pulsing with rage. I’m at once a child, helpless and afraid, and then I am me, I am now, and I am the same. Angry, lost, and so fucking desperate.

When Kate comes in from reception, hours later, I’m sitting in the armchair and staring blankly at the wall, the wicker creating grooves into my sweating skin.

“Ron?” she says, appearing in front of me, hands on hips. “What are you doing?”

I can’t even look at her. I’ll have to say goodbye to her too. There’s no way I can do this to Logan and then stick around to watch our love collapse.

“Ron?” she says again and now her voice is higher, concerned. She comes closer and crouches down at my level. “Hey,” she says, putting her hand on mine and then recoiling. My hand is covered in sweat. “What’s wrong with you?”

I slowly bring my eyes over to meet hers, but I can’t do anything but blink.

I’ve never seen her look so worried.

“Are you having a seizure?”

“I need your help,” I whisper. That wasn’t at all what I was going to say. I was planning on saying nothing, on leaving her in the dark. But now I’m not so sure. I can’t do this alone.

“What is it?”

I lick my lips. My mouth feels like sandpaper. “Can you keep a secret? I mean a big secret.”

She cocks her head, unamused. “What do you think I’ve been doing this last month?”

She’s right. She kept me and Logan secret this whole time. No one knew.

I burst into tears.

Big, sobbing tears that spill from my eyes, tears that torment my body.

“Oh my god,” she whispers. “What’s happened? Are you dying?”

It feels like it. Fuck, help me, it feels like it.

“I have to leave,” I say between sobs. “I have to go.”

“What, why?”

Somehow I manage to explain it, I explain everything my parents told me and everything that I know they’re capable of.

When I’m done, Kate is stunned. “I don’t get it. You sure they aren’t bluffing?”

I shake my head. “No. They don’t bluff. My mother is a politician.”

“A born bluffer.”

“Not when it threatens her career.”

“But I don’t get it. I mean, yeah okay I can see how bad it would look, but people get used to things, and really it’s not a big deal.”

“Kate. Believe me. This is a big deal. And this, what they’re doing, is nothing to them. It’s minor. But it will ruin everything we have. Kate, you’ll lose your job. We’ll all lose.”

“Fucking Charlie,” she swears. “I’m going to chop his perfect dick off.”

“Don’t get me started on Charlie,” I tell her. “Right now, he’s not important. What’s important is…”

I take in a deep shaking breath. I can’t say it again. I can’t do it.

“Just stay,” Kate whispers to me, taking my hand. “Stay and fight it. Maybe Logan has the money.” I shake my head, closing my eyes. More tears spill. “Maybe he’s ready for a change.”

“That’s why I can’t tell him what’s happening,” I tell her. “Because no matter what happens, he’ll give it up for me. I know him. He’s good. He’s too good for me. I have to do this or he’ll lose it all and I can’t be the one to make that happen.”

“So what are you going to say to him?”

“I can’t say anything,” I tell her. “About any of this. And neither can you.”

“So you’re just going to give him back his ring and leave?”

I nod, though my chest is aching from the sobs. “Yes. I have to tell him I don’t love him anymore and I’m not ready and I’ll have to leave a note and leave.”

She stands up. “A note?” she exclaims. “You can’t leave him a fucking note. You owe him way more than that. You owe him the truth. You owe him what’s going on. You’re going to destroy him inside, Ron. He
loves
you.” She puts her hand to her forehead and stares at me with a pained expression. “Please, please, don’t do this to him.”

I have no choice. Can’t she see this? “I have to!” I cry out. “If I try and lie to his face, he’ll see right through me. He’ll know. I can’t keep that lie up with him in front of me. It’s this or it’s nothing.”

“Then choose nothing, Ron, please, stay!”

I get up and hold out my pink finger. “You promised you wouldn’t tell, now swear on it.”

She stares at me with wild eyes. “Please, Ron.”

“Do it! Promise me. Let me be the bad guy here, let him blame me for leaving. It’s better than the alternative.”

She clamps her lips together until they are pressed into a thin, hard line and for a moment I think she’s not going to do it. She’s that stubborn. But then her finger wraps around mine and I know, pray, hope, her word is still good.