Heartless (6 page)

Derek knew that
Josh’s former and current wives had forged a close friendship over the years,
which Josh claimed made it easier to co-parent their kids. “They’re still
pissed at me, Lexi. What else is new?”

Lexi touched
Derek’s arm. “You’re one of the sweetest guys I’ve ever met. Hell, Josh and I
wouldn’t even be together if not for you, so if my stepsons keep giving you a
hard time, they’re going to have to answer to me.”

Josh laughed as he
put his arm around his wife’s waist. “Easy, tiger, they’ve got enough
opposition to deal with already.”

Lexi smiled as she
gestured to Derek and Ashley. “Anyone can see they’re perfect for one another.
Jay and Mike would be damn lucky to have him as their stepfather.”

Josh chuckled.
“You’re preachin’ to the choir, honey. But judgin’ by that shade of red on
Ashley’s face, I’d say you’re puttin’ them on the spot, so why don’t we get the
hell out of here? I’ve got a bet with one of the other dads that Aiden’s gonna
pitch another no-hitter today.”

She rolled her
eyes at Ashley and Derek. “Can you believe he bets on his son’s baseball games?”

Derek had no
problem believing it. They used to do the same thing when Jay and Mike played
Little League. He smiled at Josh. “Some things never change, huh?”

“True…” He looked
at Ashley. “But some things do, or at least they should.”

Lexi tugged on her
husband’s arm. “Okay, let’s go.” She reached up to press a kiss to Derek’s
cheek. “You need anything, don’t hesitate to call us, okay?”

He and Lexi had developed
a solid friendship during the years since she married Josh, and he counted her
among his favorite people. “You know I will, darlin’.”

Lexi gripped
Ashley’s hand. “Same goes for you. I’ll be home later, if you need to talk.”

“Thanks, I just
might take you up on that.”

Chapter Four

Ashley felt
conflicted inviting Derek back into the family home she’d once shared with her
husband and sons. They had so many great memories here, but it would be strange
seeing him back in the house that had been his second home in the early years
of her marriage.

A smile lit his
handsome face as soon as he crossed the threshold. “Damn, it’s been a long time
since I’ve set foot in this house, huh?”

“Yeah, it has.”
She watched him wander into the great room.

He stopped to
admire some of the framed photographs lined up on the mantle. “Hey, I remember
the day Josh took this one. I’m surprised you kept it.” He picked it up to look
closer. “What’s more, I’m surprised your boys didn’t bust it up.”

The photo he held
was one of him with Jay and Mike on either side of him. The boys were wearing
their baseball uniforms and holding big trophies. Their proud coach knelt in
the middle, a big smile on his face. It was one of her favorite photographs. A
reminder that they shared a lifetime of good memories before that one night
changed everything.

“I catch them
looking at it once in a while,” she said quietly, coming up behind him. She
rested her hand on his back. “In spite of how angry they are now, losing you
was hard on them, Derek. You have no idea what it did to them when you moved to
Arkansas.”

He set the
photograph down on the mantle and sighed. “It was the hardest thing I ever had
to do, but I knew you and Josh didn’t have a prayer of makin’ things work as
long as I was still in the picture. I love your kids like they are my own. I
didn’t want to be the reason your marriage ended. If there was a chance, even a
small chance, that they could have two parents livin’ under one roof, I wanted
to step back and give them that.”

“I know.” She
rested her head on his shoulder. “I know why you did it, but it didn’t make it
hurt any less.” She decided it was time to say all the things she should have
said fifteen years ago. “I loved you, Derek. I thought we were finally going to
get a chance at that life we always dreamed about.”

He pulled her into
his arms and sighed. “Ah, baby, you don’t know how much I wanted that, but…” He
hesitated. “It wasn’t just you and me. If it was, the decision would have been
easy, but I loved you, your kids, Josh. I didn’t want anyone to get hurt.”

She tipped her
head back to look at him before looping her arms around his neck. “But we did
get hurt, all of us.”

“Yeah, I guess we
did, didn’t we?”

She glanced at the
picture he’d replaced on the mantle before grabbing his hand and leading him
into the adjoining kitchen. “Let me make that pot of coffee I promised you.”

He claimed a stool
at the granite breakfast bar. “That sounds great. It feels like I haven’t slept
in a week.”

She busied herself
preparing the coffee, trying to ignore the fact that having him in her home
felt so right. The four-bedroom house was too big for her now that Jay and Mike
had bought condos in a new building downtown, but she hadn’t been able to
consider downsizing. This house was a part of her.

He pointed to the
pool area beyond the French doors. “It looks like you’re havin’ some work
done?”

She rolled her
eyes as she propped her hip against the counter, waiting for the coffee to brew.
“I hired a contractor to rebuild the fence around the pool. He was supposed to
have it finished a week ago, but he’s barely started.”

Derek chuckled.
“That’s why I live in a condo, so I don’t have to worry about home improvement
projects.”

She grinned. “I
seem to remember you were pretty good with your hands.” A beat of awareness
passed between them and she could feel the room growing warmer and smaller by
the minute. “I… uh… meant you knew how to…” She reached for a takeout brochure
to fan her face.

He threw his head
back and laughed. “I know what you meant.”

She dipped her
head to hide her smile. Her favorite thing about Derek was his sense of humor.
He wasn’t afraid to laugh at himself or her. “Stop teasing me.”

He reached for her
hand with a wicked gleam in his eye. “I’ve missed teasin’ you.” His smile fell.
“I missed you… period.”

The coffee maker
chose that moment to sound, indicating the fresh brew was ready. She withdrew
her hand, grateful for the distraction. She didn’t know where this was going or
where she wanted it to go. A week ago, she’d just been looking forward to her
summer vacation; now here she was, with her former lover, contemplating her
future.

“Josh told me you
went back to school to get your teaching certificate a few years back.”

She smiled as she
poured the coffee. Without thinking, she added a drop of milk and spoonful of
sugar to his before passing it to him.

He grinned. “I
can’t believe you remembered that.”

She matched his
smile. “I shouldn’t feel as though I still know you so well, but I do.”

“I know what you
mean.” He shook his head. “It feels so good bein’ back home, reconnectin’ with
everybody. I wish the circumstances were different, but hey, maybe my big
brother’s tryin’ to send me a message, huh? Maybe he’s tellin’ me it’s time for
me to come home.”

She realized how much
she wanted that. At first, she was uncertain, but now she realized how much she
missed Derek, her friend. “I know your family would love that.”

He looked her in
the eye. “How would you feel about it?”

“I’m not gonna
lie. I’ve missed you.”

He smiled. “I’ve
missed you, too.” He pointed to the stool next to him. “Sit down. Tell me about
your life, your job, and your friends. I want to know everything.”

She set her coffee
mug down on the counter and claimed the stool beside him. “Well, let’s see…”
She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “I teach second grade, and I love
it. It reminds me of when my own boys were that age, wide-eyed, innocent, and
curious about everything.” She smiled. “I miss that. Now they’re so damn
cynical, unwilling to give anyone a break. Sometimes I wonder how they got to
be that way, you know.”

Derek took a sip
of his coffee before responding. “Mike’s a cop. It goes with the territory. If
you’re not suspicious of everyone, it’s only because you haven’t been doin’ it
long enough.”

She sighed. “I
guess you’re right. And Jay got his heart broken a while back.” She shook her
head. “His college girlfriend dumped him after two years together. Poor kid,
he’s never really gotten over it.”

Derek shot a sidelong
glance in her direction. “I know how he feels.”

She rested her
hand on his forearm. “I never meant to hurt you back then; I need you to know
that. I thought…” Did she have the courage to tell him that she broke up with
him to teach him a lesson? “We always had this amazing connection. I never
imagined you’d really let me go.”

He frowned. “Are
you tellin’ me that you broke up with me because you wanted me to start bein’
the boyfriend you deserved?”

She laughed.
“Something like that. I didn’t want you to take me for granted anymore. I
wanted you to appreciate me and what we had.”

“Ash, I did. I
knew, even back then, that you were the best thing that ever happened to me.”

“With age comes
wisdom, right?” She traced her finger around the rim of her coffee cup,
refusing to look at him. “Instead of just talking to you, trying to work it
out, I decided to end it to try and teach you a lesson.” She tried to smile, to
pretend it didn’t still hurt thinking about where they went wrong. “That was
immature, but then, so was I back then. I was only twenty. What the hell did I
know about relationships, right?”

He smirked. “You
probably knew a hell of a lot more than I did.” He looked her in the eye. “The
only thing I knew for sure was that I’d never felt about another girl the way I
felt about you.”

She clasped her
hands around her mug as she tried to still her racing heart. “That’s sweet.”

“That’s the truth.
It’s still true to this day. You’re the only woman I’ve ever really loved.” He
sighed. “I’d be lyin’ if I said I haven’t been with my fair share of women over
the years, tryin’ to find the right one
.
But eventually I had to admit
to myself that I met
that girl
when I was just a kid. Too damn young to
know a good thing when I had it.”

It was a small
consolation to know that he shared her sentiment. They were the love of each
other’s lives, but they still lived those lives apart. Even if he moved back to
Nashville, there was a seemingly insurmountable roadblock in their path: her
sons.

“What’re you
thinkin’?” he asked.

“I’m thinking
about the past, the future, the present. Where the hell do we go from here?”

He shook his head.
“I wish I knew. This time last week, my team and I were workin’ on a
high-profile serial killer case that was startin’ to consume me. Now here I am,
back home, grievin’ my brother and tryin’ to make sense of my life. The things
that mattered to me before, like work, don’t seem to matter as much when I
realize that life is too damn short to live this way.”

She refused to
read too much into his comment. He was still confused, still grieving. He could
wake up tomorrow, find out there was a break in the case, hop on a plane, and
never look back. This conversation would be just another memory in their
catalogue. “Does that mean you’re thinking about making a change?”

He shrugged.
“Hell, I don’t know. I know there are a lot of people who think I should, but
this is still my life. I have to do what’s gonna make me happy.”

“What would make
you happy?”

He smiled. “Bein’
with you.” He took her hand, turned it over, and pressed his lips to her palm.
“But I know that would create a rift with your kids and that would make you
unhappy. I don’t wanna do that to you, sweetheart.”

There was no sense
denying his claim. They both knew it was true.

“I’d never forgive
myself if havin’ a relationship with me cost you a relationship with your
kids.”

She shook her
head. “I could never let that happen. I still care for you, but Jay and Mike
are a part of me, the best part. I can’t imagine them not being in my life.”

He released her
hand and bowed his head. “I’d like to say I understand, but I’m not a parent,
so I don’t know exactly what you’re feelin’. I know it’s an impossible choice.”

It was an
impossible choice. She and Derek hadn’t been a couple since they were kids
themselves. They didn’t even know if they’d be compatible anymore. How could
she risk her relationship with her children on the off-chance this relationship
could be as wonderful as they remembered? Was anything in life able to live up
to the memory of that first love? Not in her experience.

“I don’t know what
to say. I’m just so confused.”

He slid off his
stool and stood in front of her. “I think we both need a little time to think.”
He framed her face with his hands. “This has come at us out of nowhere. We need
to figure out where the hell to go from here, and we can’t do that as long as I’m
here crowdin’ you.”