Heartless (17 page)

“I’m so sorry. No, I shouldn’t have come. Please forgive me,” Sophia said, as tears stung the back of her eyes. She thought about trying to tell the truth again but if Stanley didn’t believe her, it seemed unlikely that Bernie would.

Then she remembered why she had come.

“I just wanted to see Tommy.” Sophia’s voice sounded small.

“Oh, you want Tommy now, do you?” Bernie sneered. “What the hell are you playing at? You need to make your mind up about which one of those boys it is you’re after. I should have known that you were nothing but a brazen little hussy, leading both my boys on like that. I should never have let you through my front door, let alone welcomed you and given you a birthday party.”

Sophia O’Hagan may have been imprisoned for murder, but Bernie wasn’t scared of her. If she thought for one second that she was going to start coming around here and throwing Rosie’s life into chaos then she had another think coming. She had spent years sheltering Rosie from the truth about her mother, Jonathan had told the girl on the few occasions that she had asked that her mother wasn’t very well and was being looked after very far away in a special place and Bernie couldn’t have put it better herself. Sophia was sick. Thankfully, Rosie had just accepted the story while Bernie had eagerly stepped into the role of her mother. It wasn’t fair that Sophia had turned up unannounced on the doorstep like this.

“You’d better go,” Stanley said coldly, for once agreeing with his wife.

“I’m so sorry; I didn’t mean to cause any trouble. I’ll go. Can you please just tell him that I came to see him?” Sophia cried. She had only wanted to make it right with Tommy, to explain what had happened. If only she hadn’t been so stubborn in refusing his visitation requests all those years ago, she wouldn’t be in such a mess. She was sure that if she could speak to him, she could make him understand.

“Tommy’s not here,” Bernie shouted, incredulous at the boldness of the girl who was standing there sobbing. Bernie had heard enough. “You heard my husband, now bugger off. You’re nothing but a filthy little whore.”

Bernie picked up Stanley’s large golfing umbrella from behind the door and swung it at Sophia, stabbing the air and causing her to leap backwards. Sophia ducked to avoid getting hit, and losing her footing tripped over. Landing on the block paving, she felt humiliated as Tommy’s parents stood over her like she was vermin.

“Granny,” called a small voice from the stairway behind Stanley, “why are you shouting?”

Rosie came down the stairs to see her grandparents standing on the doorstep and looking at the woman picking herself up off the ground in front of the porch. Seeing the confused look on the young girl’s face broke Bernie’s heart in two.

“Go back to bed, darling; Granny will be up in a minute. I’ll read you another story.”

Seeing Rosie ignoring her and making her way to the doorway Bernie lowered the umbrella and turned back to Sophia, begging her this time, “Please just go.”

But it was too late. Rosie had locked eyes with Sophia.

“Please go,” Bernie pleaded again. Jonathan would go berserk if he found out that Sophia had come to the house and seen Rosie. If Sophia went away now, then Bernie could try and make something up so that Rosie wouldn’t find out the truth.

Sophia picked herself up off the ground, panicking about the situation she had caused. Her being here would probably cause a lot of upset for her daughter. Stunned, as she stared at the girl, she couldn’t help but drink in her features: the mass of curly red hair was so like hers whereas the cold steely eyes that stared back at her were Jonathan’s.

“Are you my mummy? I’ve seen your picture in the newspapers that my daddy keeps in his drawer. He said that you’re not well. Am I going to live in the hospital with you?” Rosie asked innocently, as she looked the woman before her up and down curiously.

“Go back inside, Rosie, it’s late and you should be in bed. Go on: now,” Bernie said.

Sophia rubbed her palms to rid them of the grit embedded in the flesh. “I’m so sorry; I shouldn’t have come here.... I’m so sorry.”

She scuttled away. She couldn’t get away quickly enough from the child’s accusing eyes, and the questions that she didn’t know how to answer. Tears blurring her vision, she ran home.

Chapter Twenty-Six

“Well, I must say, Sophia, this doesn’t look too bad, does it?” Andrea Parks smiled enthusiastically as she glanced around the small bedroom in the hostel as she tried to encourage Sophia that she would be making a good decision if she accepted it.

The room was far from a palace. The brown wallpaper had peeled off in places and the cream carpet had a large brown stain: God knows what had been spilled on it. However, although it wasn’t somewhere she would personally want to live, Andrea knew of much worse places that ex-offenders had stayed upon their release.

“It’s not so bad, I suppose.” Sophia shrugged. She noted that the tiny room had about the same dimensions as the prison cell that she had just vacated, but it was only temporary. Just a place to lay her head and get her paperwork sent while she got back on her feet. Andrea was right: it would do.

Relieved that Sophia seemed to have accepted the room, Andrea opened up the wardrobe doors to check that nothing had been left by the previous tenant. Sophia seemed like a sweet girl and despite the report that Andrea had read on the young woman’s list of convictions, she couldn’t help but find herself liking her. Her crime seemed beyond what she was capable of, but then Andrea had reasoned to herself that you never really knew what went on in people’s heads or what had happened to them in the past. In her line of work she had seen all sorts. But nevertheless, on the few occasions that they had met so far Sophia had always treated her with the utmost respect, and even more importantly than that the girl seemed to have self-respect: which in Andrea’s job was a very rare trait to find in a service user. She could tell that Sophia wanted to turn her life around, and because of that she was happy to assist her. She felt drawn to the girl, almost to the point of going above and beyond her duties to make sure that she could help Sophia to get the best start possible for herself.

This place had become available last night, and with Andrea’s contacts she had been able to get Sophia in and show her around before anyone else was able to look at it.

Sophia watched her parole officer pull open each drawer in the large chest of drawers. Sophia wasn’t bothered about the amount of storage the place had. As long as she had a bed to lie down in each night, she would be happy. She didn’t intend on spending much quality time here, that was for sure.

It was nice that Andrea cared about where Sophia lived, though. She had come up trumps for her so far. She also seemed nice enough, but Sophia was still having a hard time trusting anyone. She had learned during her time in prison to be cynical of everyone in a position of power: the mentality was very much authority versus us. The system had wronged her, and she would be a fool to let her guard down. So no matter how many times Andrea told her she had her best interests at heart, Sophia just couldn’t let herself entirely believe it. It would have been a lot easier not to like the woman if she hadn’t turned out to be so damn nice, Sophia thought to herself.

Andrea’s gentle nature and soft voice had thrown Sophia off guard when she had met her last week on the first home visit. Sophia had felt nervous as she had sat with her nan and awaited her parole officer’s arrival. Expecting to meet some disciplinarian sent by the prison service to come marching in, enforcing their many rules and regulations, while looking at her like she was worthless scum, Sophia had been totally thrown by Andrea’s easy-going and supportive nature. Seemingly eager to help Sophia get back on her feet, Andrea seemed genuine with her offer of support and had won Sophia’s nan over in seconds, which was no mean feat.

And now, just a week later, Andrea had shown to her that she meant it when she had promised to help her. This place was proof of that.

“And the best part is you’re close to your nan’s house,” Andrea said, knowing that Sophia’s main priority was to be near Nessa; it had been clear from the very start that she meant the world to her. “I know it’s only about five minutes’ walk if I go via the old footbridge over the Lea.”

Sophia would have stayed at her nan’s house permanently if she had had the choice and Nessa would have been only too happy to have the girl do so. But there was only one bedroom, and Sophia hadn’t wanted to impose any more than she already had. This was the second-best option. This place was perfect, really, and being only a few streets away from her nan meant that she could still pop round each day and check on her.

“And remember, it’s not forever, is it,” Andrea said animatedly, making notes on a pad. “At least now you have an address, you can start looking for a job. This is a great opportunity, Sophia. I just hope you won't get too lonely, but you don't seem the type.”

Sophia nodded in agreement. She was glad of the solitude that the room would provide. She was used to being on her own, and the noise in the outside world – the traffic, the people – seemed over-loud. Prison had left her feeling isolated but it was what she had become used to. At least now she would have somewhere to go to on her own if things got too tough for her.

“So will one be checking in, madam?” Andrea laughed as she watched Sophia sit on the bed and bounce up and down, testing the mattress.

“I think this place will do me nicely.”

“Right then, let’s go and get this paperwork sorted out and get you the keys.” Andrea grinned to herself as she led the way, pleased that Sophia seemed happy. Everyone had the right to a new start, but Andrea had a feeling that Sophia deserved it more than most people.

Chapter Twenty-Seven

“Are you sure you don’t want to come in with me, Nan?” Sophia asked, secretly hoping that her nan would change her mind. She felt suddenly nervous at the thought of seeing her mother again after all this time.

Sandie, her mother’s care-worker, had already informed Sophia of her mother’s fragile state of mind when she had arrived for the visit. Kaitlin suffered from chronic depression, although there were good days and bad days. Sitting here now in the day room with her nan as she waited to go through to see her mother after all this time, Sophia prayed that today would be one of the good ones.

Her nan had finally come clean to her last night, as with the imminent visit Nessa knew that she couldn’t go on lying to Sophia. Kaitlin was a lot worse than Sophia had been led to believe when she was in prison.

Sophia had known that her mother was unwell; her nan had told her a number of times that her mother was too ill to visit the prison. Suffering with her nerves, her nan had said at the time. Knowing the trauma that her mother had experienced, Sophia could understand that.

But last night Nessa had told Sophia the truth, that her mother had suffered a nervous breakdown. Sophia wasn’t angry; she knew that her nan had not wanted to worry her. It wasn’t as if she had lied, because Sophia had known that her mum was ill, it was just that her nan had played down just how ill she really was.

Looking at some of the other residents who were sitting on the opposite side of the room, staring vacantly at the TV screen, one of them being spoon-fed by a carer, it dawned on Sophia how unwell her mum actually was to be here.

“Oh no, my dearie.” Nessa squeezed Sophia’s hand reassuringly before sitting on a sofa. “You go and see your mum on your own. It’s been a long time; you two have a lot of catching up to do. Besides, I see her so often that she’s probably sick to death at looking at my wrinkly old face.”

Nessa busied herself with the magazines that were on a nearby table. She knew that Sophia wanted her for moral support but she really felt the girl needed to face her mother on her own. It had been years since Kaitlin had seen her daughter. And Nessa prayed to God that at least now, in her own safe environment, Kaitlin might be at last able to handle seeing Sophia without it tipping her over the edge.

“Come on, Sophia, follow me. You’ll be just fine.” Sandie spoke in a gentle manner and flashed Sophia an encouraging smile as she led the way down the hallway.

The place seemed nice, much warmer and friendlier than Sophia had imagined. She could see that the place was taken care of: vases of flowers were placed on the windowsills and everywhere smelled fresh and clean.

Reaching the door of Kaitlin’s room Sandie turned and faced Sophia, her voice almost a whisper as she said: “Remember what we spoke about; try to keep the conversation light for today, and let’s just see how she reacts to your first visit before we push her. There’ll be plenty of time to talk things through properly later. She’s still very fragile.”

Sophia nodded in agreement, but Sandie’s words stung. As tactful as she was being, Sophia picked up on the hint that her presence might affect her mum in a negative way. Again she questioned whether she would be welcome, whether she should have come, but there was no time to change her mind now.

Knocking on the door before opening it and putting her head around it, Sandie announced: “Hello, Kaitlin, your daughter’s here to see you. Remember I told you earlier that she was coming? Would you like me to get you some tea?”

Sophia walked in behind Sandie and tried to hide her shock. Her mother was sitting in one of the chairs by the window. Sophia walked slowly across, trying not to stare as she took in her mother’s emaciated physique. There was nothing to her, she was skin and bones. She was wearing an ill-fitting floral dress that swamped her frame and sat just below her knees, failing to disguise the bones that were jutting out of her, protruding through her pale skin.

“Yes, thanks, some tea would be nice,” Sophia answered, feeling embarrassed that her mother had ignored the question. She just sat there staring blankly at Sophia.

Sophia wasn’t sure what she had expected: a hug, some tears maybe... but there was nothing. No reaction whatsoever.

“Oh, Mum, it’s so good to see you,” Sophia said, as she sat in the chair opposite her mum. She could feel her mum’s eyes burning through her as she quickly picked up on her negative vibes. Her mum seemed cold towards her. “It looks nice here, Mum, and Sandie seems like a lovely lady. Are you being well looked after?”

Sophia babbled away without a clue as to what she was going to say next. There was so much that she wanted to discuss, so many words that had been left unspoken for so long, but Sophia knew that now wasn’t the right time for her to say them. Sandie had told her that had mum had been making great progress, and Sophia didn’t want to jeopardise all the hard work by saying something that would affect her mum’s fragile state. Kaitlin continued to stare without responding. Sophia frowned, she had heard of places that dosed their patients up with so many medications that they didn’t know what month it was, let alone what day. Sophia glanced nervously around the small room. It was cold and clinical and gave no indication of the personality of its occupant. The only thing that broke up the stark whiteness was the brightly coloured pieces of paper that had been stuck on the walls above her mother’s bed, all featuring the same abstract red and yellow designs; they looked the kind of thing that a primary-school child may produce.

“Did you do those, Mum?” Sophia asked, pointing at the pictures. Her mother nodded, but her eyes remained glazed.

“They’re lovely. Do you do a lot of art here?” Sophia was desperately trying to get her mum to engage in a conversation with her. “We did art classes in pris... when I was away.”

Sophia was finding it hard to keep the conversation light: how could she be expected to sit here and pretend that nothing had happened? Both their lives had been ripped apart. Her mother was mentally ill, and she had spent eight years locked up for a crime that she didn’t commit. There was so much that needed to be said.

“When you were away?” Kaitlin asked, in a deadpan tone, as she finally found her voice. “Oh yes, that’s right, how was your holiday?”

Sophia shuffled in her seat. Holiday? Is that what her mother told herself to help her deal with it? Or was that what someone had told her? “It was... great, Mum; just great.”

Sophia wasn’t sure she could do this. She felt a hard lump forming in the back of her throat. All she wanted to do was pull her mother close and shake her. She wanted to beg and plead with her to believe in her innocence. She hadn’t killed her father, and she wanted more than anything else on Earth for her mother to acknowledge that.

The door opened and Sandie came in.

“Here we go, ladies, got a nice pot of tea here for you. Even threw in some of your favourite bickies, Kaitlin: some of those Garibaldis you like; I find them a bit dry myself.”

Sandie beamed as she placed the tray on the table that sat between mother and daughter. Pleased that Kaitlin seemed to be coping okay with her visitor and was not obviously distressed, Sandie nodded to Sophia to check that she was okay before she left the two women alone once more.

Sophia struggled to control her shaking hands as she poured the tea into the cups. Her mother hadn’t taken her eyes off her since she had walked in.

“You look different,” Kaitlin said. Sophia was still young and beautiful. But the child that had left her was now a woman, and Kaitlin could see the hardened look in her eyes.

“Well, a lot of time has passed, Mum,” Sophia said, smiling now that her mother seemed to be finally responding to her. She wanted to say that her mother looked well, but that would have been a lie.

“I told them all about you,” Kaitlin said suddenly. “I spoke about nothing else but you when I first got brought in here. The counsellors told me that time would heal. That’s a joke, isn’t it? Look at the state of me. Picture of tranquillity, aren’t I?”

Sophia froze.

“I didn’t love Jamesie at the end, did you know that? I didn’t need therapy to help me realise that, let me tell you. He treated me so badly, and then you. Is that why you did it?”

“Did what, Mum?” Sophia asked

“Murdered him.”

Sophia felt her heart thumping in her chest. “Mum, I’m not sure we should speak about this: not now. There’ll be time later...”

“Oh, really? And why’s that; because it might upset me?” Kaitlin was whispering, leaning forward in her chair. “My husband was stabbed and left to bleed to death by my daughter, but oh no, don’t speak about it. That’s why I paint, you see. I can paint whatever I like and no-one can stop me. Beautiful, aren’t they.” Kaitlin nodded up to the red and yellow abstract streaks that boldly filled the numerous sheets of paper. “That’s what I look at every-day, the flickering flames and Jamesie’s blood.”

Kaitlin began scratching her arms. Big red welts formed as she dug her nails in harder and deeper as she spoke.

“Please Mum...” Sophia tried to calm her mother.

“Please Mum? Don’t you dare! Your father may have been many things, Sophia, but no-one deserves to die like that. Every time I close my eyes I see that man: every single time. He’s haunting me. That’s what you’ve done, Sophia, you’ve left me with a bloody ghost who won’t leave me alone. He just sits here with me all day long, tormenting me with his sneering face.”

Kaitlin began tapping her foot.

“They don’t believe I can see him. They think I’m mad. But I’m not. He’s here. Can’t you see him, Sophia? He’s right beside you.” Kaitlin pointed to the air next to Sophia.

“There’s no-one else here, Mum, it’s just me and you.”

“Oh, did they tell you to say that? Of course they did. They want me to think that I’m crazy. But I’m not, Sophia. I see him... I always see him. Look what you did to him, Sophia.”

Kaitlin stared into space.

“Mum, I swear to you, I didn’t do it. You have to believe me. On my life... on Nan’s life.”

“Stop lying to me; stop bloody lying.” Leaping up, Kaitlin swept the tray that had held the tea and biscuits to the floor, sending boiling hot tea everywhere. Hot liquid splashed her legs, but Kaitlin couldn’t feel the pain as the water scalded her. She hadn’t been able to feel anything for a long time.

“Mum, please... just listen to me...” Sophia grabbed some napkins from the tray and awkwardly dabbed at the liquid on her mum’s legs.

“Get out, get out,” Kaitlin screamed as she pulled at her hair, ripping a clump out from the roots.

Sophia stared at her mum helplessly until Sandie came running through the door, just in time to stop Kaitlin from doing any further damage.

“You need to leave,” Sandie ordered Sophia, as she stood between Sophia and Kaitlin. Holding Kaitlin’s arms down by her side, Sandie tried to get Kaitlin to focus on her. Seeing the stern look on Sandie’s face, Sophia did as she was told. Her legs felt like jelly as she walked away. Sobbing, she made her way back to the day room and ran into her nan’s arms. Nessa soothed her granddaughter, telling her again and again that it was alright.

Sophia appreciated the words, but she knew that they weren’t true. She should never have come. Her mother hated her: how was that alright?