Heartbreaker (31 page)

Tom knew if he let Johnny walk out now, like this, he would never come back. He and Johnny would be finished, the band would be history. He lunged at Johnny, wanting to keep him there and talk sense into him, but Johnny saw him coming and twisted out of the way. There was an almighty crash as Tom fell head first into a writing bureau. He tumbled to the floor and lay still as death.

Johnny checked for a pulse and found one, despite everything grateful that all Tom had succeeded in doing was knocking himself out cold. Blood trickled steadily from a gash in his forehead, but he looked as if he would live to tell the tale. Johnny put him in the recovery position and left while he had the chance. He was going home and in the morning he was going to speak to Dan, tell him what had happened, get Nicci out of the house and get the ball rolling on the divorce. Things were getting silly, it was time he took control and got both Tom and Nicci out of his life. He took the stairs to the street two at a time, sick at heart and sick of the hideous mess his life had become.

Chapter 86

Johnny had leaned into Alex; he was shivering. Alex held him close, tried to comfort him. He pulled away and turned to face her, his eyes deep, dark pools in the half-light. ‘Don’t you see, Alex? I killed him. I killed my best friend in the world.’

‘What? How?’ She shook her head. ‘Johnny, you’re not making sense. Tom was fine, you left him in the recovery position. You left before he fell.’

‘We had this conversation when we were just starting out. Tom was petrified of becoming some kind of geriatric joke rocker, wheeled out for special occasions, indulged, then put back in his box until the next time. Petrified of not still breaking new ground, not being the best he could be. He reckoned when the time came, he’d jump off something high and end it all rather than let that happen.’

‘I thought the coroner reckoned it was accidental death?’

‘Yes, he did. But he didn’t know what I knew about Tom. Without Heartbreaker, Tom had nothing to live for and I told him it was all over, that the band was finished. I told him he could get out at the top, like he’d always wanted.’ He put his hands over his face. ‘I even told him there was an open window he could jump out of. Christ, Alex, I told him to kill himself, and he did. That makes me responsible for Tom’s death. I killed him, just as surely as if I’d pushed him out of the window myself. It’s my fault he’s dead. Nobody’s fault but mine.’

***

Alex had been to get a bottle of brandy and a couple of glasses, had poured them a good, stiff drink each and was steadying Johnny’s hands as he sipped at his. ‘You’re wrong, you know,’ she was saying to him. ‘Tom’s death isn’t your fault. You’ve got to stop punishing yourself for this, Johnny; you’re not responsible.’

‘I wanted to go to the police when it happened. I wanted to tell them that I’d been there and that we’d fought.’

‘Why didn’t you?’

‘Nicci first of all, then Dan.’

Chapter 87

‘Don’t be stupid, Johnny, you can’t let them know you were there.’ Nicci was adamant that Johnny should keep his mouth shut. A couple of days had passed since Tom and Andy had died and she was starting to feel less numb, more angry, not so much getting over it as getting into it.

‘I told him it was over, finished. You know what he thought—’

‘Did you mean for him to die?’

‘I can’t believe he’s dead. And Andy. Who do you think killed Andy?’

Nicci put her hand to her forehead, she was thinking fast. ‘Look, I wasn’t going to tell you this, but Tom rang me that night. He said you’d hurt him and he’d just come round. He sounded really woozy. He said he needed some air. Johnny, it could have been an accident—’

‘It’s my fault. He wouldn’t have been woozy if he hadn’t fallen. I just left him there. Jesus, that gash on his head … he can’t have been thinking straight.’

‘He sounded desperate, so depressed. He said he couldn’t imagine life without you as his friend. He said you were far more important to him than the band.’

Johnny’s words echoed in his head:
Look on the bright side; you can get out at the top like you always wanted. There’s even an open window there that you can jump out of.

‘I was worried that he might do something stupid,’ said Nicci, ‘but there was no one I could call to go and check on him.’

‘Christ, I as good as killed him, didn’t I? I killed my best friend.’ Johnny sank into a chair, his face in his hands.

‘Yes, and you’ve got to live with that. But—’

‘I’ve got to ring the police and tell them.’

‘You can’t go to the police. Think what it would do to the girls. It’s one thing people pointing and staring because their dad’s famous, it’s another if they point and stare because their dad’s a killer. It’s not just your life you’re protecting. You’ve got to keep your mouth shut for the girls’ sake.’

Worried that she hadn’t convinced him, Nicci got on the phone to Dan.

‘He’s talking about going to the police,’ she said, after she’d explained about Johnny and Tom’s fight on the night he died. ‘Do you think you could have a word with him, Dan, make him see sense?’

‘Don’t you think you should accept some responsibility for this mess?’ Dan had asked sharply.

‘What? How do you—’

‘Never mind. I’ll be there this afternoon.’

Dan was pale and tense, shot through with grief, and still he looked at her coldly when he arrived. Nicci didn’t care, just so long as he made Johnny toe the line. She was happy for him to be wracked with guilt, but the last thing she wanted was him going to the police and the whole story about her, Tom and Rebecca becoming public knowledge.

Johnny and Dan went into the studio to talk, away from Nicci. Johnny hugged him, grateful that in the midst of everything, Dan cared enough to try to help him sort himself out.

‘How are Tiff and the kids?’ Johnny asked as he poured Jack Daniel’s for them. He took the glasses over to the battered sofa where Dan was sitting.

‘They’re in bits. His folks, as well.’ Dan ran his hand over his chin. ‘My folks aren’t much better, to be honest. We spent so much time together when we were kids, they think of Andy as a second son.’

‘It’s fucked up.’ Johnny emptied his glass and got up for a refill, brought the bottle back over with him.

‘Nicci told me about what happened with Tom. You’ve got to know it’s not your fault, mate. None of this is down to you.’

‘I’m not so sure about that.’

‘I am. It’s nothing but a coincidence you were there earlier. Mind you, it’s bloody Tom’s fault that Andy was where he was. If he’d just got on the phone—‘

‘In fairness, I could have done that as well.’

‘It wasn’t of your making. It was his responsibility to see to it.’ Dan ran his fingers through his hair. ‘And ignore her, she’s fucking poison. I’m sorry, I know Nicci’s your wife, but you’ll be better off without her.’

***

‘So they persuaded me that I should keep my mouth shut and in return Dan promised never to tell anyone about Tom and Nicci, and Rebecca,’ Johnny told Alex. ‘But I knew it was my fault. Nicci said Tom phoned her after I’d left and he was all over the place. She said he’d sounded desperate …’ Johnny shuddered. ‘If I’d gone to the police, they would have found out I was to blame and then punished me for it; then there would have been an end to it. As it is, there’s no end. It just goes on and on, the blame, the guilt …’ His hands had steadied, but his eyes still looked overly bright. Alex wondered that he could have lived with such secrets for so long.

‘The funny thing is, I was sure that Jackie Price was there that night. I’m sure I saw her car. She had love beads and all sorts of shit hanging from the rear-view mirror. It was a miracle she could see where she was going. There was no sign of her at the house, though, and Tom didn’t say anything about her being there.’

‘What did you do when you left?’

‘I went back to my car and just sat there for ages, trying to pull myself together so that I could drive home. I must have sat there for half an hour or more.’ He took a deep breath then exhaled, shuddered as it went through him. ‘We never saw Jackie again, you know. I have no idea what happened to her. She didn’t even come to Tom’s funeral.’ He looked up at Alex. She was relieved to see that his eyes looked less haunted. He looked a little more like his old self. ‘Dan tried to find her. No trace. She got in touch with the solicitor to make arrangements to get her share of Tom’s will, but left strict instructions that her contact details weren’t to be divulged. She must have really hated us to cut us off like that.’

***

Later that night Alex was snuggled into Johnny’s back, her arm wrapped around him, hand on his heart. She couldn’t sleep, just kept turning it all around in her mind, over and over. Poor bloody Johnny. On impulse, she kissed him.

‘Alex? You awake?’

‘Can’t sleep.’

Johnny turned over to face her. ‘Me neither, not a wink.’ He stroked her hair. ‘I’ve got something to ask you.’

She smiled, then realised he couldn’t see her. She snapped on the bedside lamp, turned the dimmer to its lowest setting. ‘What is it?’

‘Now that you know what happened. What I did. To Tom.’ He paused. ‘Do you want to leave? Because I’ll understand if you do.’

Alex tutted. ‘Of course I don’t, you idiot. For a start, you didn’t do anything. Anyway, I love you. I can’t leave now.’ She felt him relax. He turned on his back and pulled her to him. ‘My brother Greg blames me for Fred’s death, you know.’ She had told Johnny about Fred and how he had died. ‘At first I believed him. I hated myself. I thought Greg was right and that Fred died because I liked a drink and a toke too much. But you can drive yourself crazy with stuff like that. It took me a long time, but I accepted Fred’s death and I accepted it was his fault, not mine. We make our choices, take our chances, then live or die by the consequences. That’s it. My little homespun philosophy.’

‘Raven foretold Tom’s death. She said she saw it in the Tarot. She told him he would die a perfect death. “You will leave this world when it is absolutely right for you to go.” That’s what she said.’

‘Get away.’

‘It was all bullshit. Tom was obsessed with dying at the right time. At the perfect moment, the pinnacle of achievement. He must have told her, probably when he was hammered, and she turned it back on him, the sly little minx. He was putty in her hands after that.’ Johnny was quiet for a while. ‘When I died—’ he began, and then stopped.

‘Did something happen?’

Alex felt him nod. She reached up and kissed him. ‘What happened when you died, love?’

‘I’ve never told anyone before. I thought they’d think I was either mad or making it up.’

Alex stroked his skin, waited for him to continue.

‘I saw it all happen, you know. I knew something was wrong with the hit, that something bad had happened to me. One minute I was drifting away, the next I was looking down on it all. I felt cold, so cold. Somebody shouted that I’d stopped breathing. Then the nurse came over and knelt beside me. She sent someone to phone for an ambulance and started giving me CPR.

‘I was shocked at how bad everything looked. I was outside on the terrace when it happened. I was filthy, emaciated, the place was a mess. I couldn’t understand how things had got so bad. I looked down at all those people and I hardly knew any of them. I started to grieve for my life, I realised how badly I’d messed up. I wanted a chance to put things right, especially with my kids, you know?

‘Then I started hurting and coughing. I was back in my body and the nurse had got my heart going again. I felt like I’d been given a second chance and I was determined to do better.’

‘And you have.’

‘I just hope I can lay the last of my demons to rest, Alex, and one of those is Tom. I need to make my peace with him.’

Chapter 88

Next day, Alex pulled up outside Nicci’s house. It wasn’t as big as Johnny’s place, but it was a substantial property all the same.

She had scammed her way to an appointment with Nicci, sold it to her as an opportunity that would allow her to influence what was included in the book about her. Alex had no qualms about lying to get to speak to her; nothing else was likely to have worked and she wanted to sort this mess out once and for all. It had dragged on long enough.

She strode up to the front door, curious to meet Nicci. Alex knew what she had looked like up to the point when she and Johnny had split up. Her picture had been all over the papers; average height and build, dark hair and eyes. Alex wondered how the years had changed her.

She hadn’t long to wait to find out. Nicci opened the door herself, looked Alex up and down. Alex looked back. Nicci’s hair was shorter now, and blonde, and to set it off, she wore a wary expression.

‘You must be Alex,’ she said finally. Alex nodded. ‘Come in.’ Nicci showed her into a fashionable and expensively furnished living room. ‘Coffee?’

‘No thanks.’

Nicci sat down. Alex followed suit.

‘So.’ Nicci scrutinized Alex closely. ‘You’re Johnny’s latest, are you?’

‘We’re together, yes.’

‘And do you approve of what his daughter and his friend are getting up to?’

‘It doesn’t much matter who does or doesn’t approve. They’re both adults, they make their own choices.’

‘So you do, then,’ said Nicci. She looked irritated.

‘I do, as it happens. Or at least, I don’t disapprove. I think they’re good together.’

‘They’ll divert attention away from you and Johnny, as well. That must be useful for you.’

‘It’s nothing of the sort. And there’s no reason either Johnny and I, or Chrissie and Colin for that matter, should need to divert attention away from ourselves; we aren’t doing anything wrong.’

Nicci humphed. Alex let it ride. Plenty of time yet to fight, this wasn’t worth breaking a sweat over. ‘You said you wanted to talk about that book you’re writing.’ Nicci managed to inject disapproval into every syllable.

Alex nodded. ‘I want to ask you some questions. I’m hoping you can shed some light on certain things.’