Heart Thaw (16 page)

But I’d be a huge, fat liar if I said that part of the decision to stay wasn’t about Trent Toriello and his snow white ass, his twining tattoos, his rebel graffiti art, home improvement skills, and college aspirations.

I know for a fact I can’t go anywhere without solving the mystery of how the boy I’d barely paid any attention to grew up to be the man I can’t get out of my head.

“I’ll stay.”

Georgia’s squeal is interrupted by Trent and Ella falling through the front door, laughing and coughing, their noses and cheeks cherry red.

“What up, sweets?” Ella asks, looking between us.

“Sadie is staying here for winter break!” Georgia cries.

My sister hugs me around the neck, and I meet Trent’s eyes over the top of her platinum head. He doesn’t say a word, but I know he’s got as many questions about why I’m really staying as I do.

I’m just not sure it’s a good idea for either one of us to go digging for answers.

Chapter Ten

“You’re staying?”

Mom doesn’t look particularly happy.

“Lots of people don’t go back to campus during winter break,” I say, echoing Georgia’s words from earlier.

“I thought you had that job at the museum,” Mom says quietly, her eyes never moving to Trent.

No one else seems to notice, and I’m glad.

When I realized my mother figured it out, I was almost relieved. But she’s my mother. She loves me and will forgive me for the stupid things I do. Ella jokes about us getting together, but she will go ballistic if she thinks I’m not treating Trent right. And Georgia? I have enough strikes against me when it comes to my best friendship right now. I sure as hell don’t need to add breaking her little brother’s heart to the mix.

“It was mostly research. I can’t do all of it from here, but a lot of it is in the online annals. I’ll be able to fill it all in the first week or two I’m back.”

I want to tell her that I’m going to stay the hell away from Trent, but I can’t. I hope she understands that I’m taking her warnings seriously. I don’t want his broken heart on my hands any more than she does.

And I don’t want to make a rift in this little family we’ve pieced together. It would be the ugliest way of disrespecting the love Eileen filled our lives with.

“Don’t worry Mrs. J. She thinks this stay will be relaxing, but she forgot how boring Vernon can be. She’ll be running back to Kensington as fast as she possibly can when this month is over.”

Georgia keeps her voice bright, but she looks like she might cry. Ella hugs Georgia around the shoulders.

“I agree. Sadie couldn’t wait to leave, and she’s never been happier.”

I give Mom a tight smile, but I think about what my sister and Georgia said. I was definitely anxious to leave. This town felt way too small for me. I also wanted to meet people who would understand me, who would be my friends and confidants.

And, sure, I met people. Smart, witty, fun people who are a blast to spend time with here and there: but none of them make me feel the way my family does. None of them make me feel like I absolutely, no doubt belong, no matter what I say or do.

And then there’s Trent. But I have to bleach him out of my brain.

It’s only a month. I’ll tell him how it has to be, we’ll part as friends, and by the time I actually graduate, he’ll have moved on.

Maybe I will have too.

Or maybe I’ll just move back for good.

The important thing is that I need to use my time now to figure out if there could be a life for me here.

Because this trip back has brought into focus how much I’m going to miss if I pursue a life outside Vernon. It’s a bigger sacrifice than Mom painted it for me when she talked about new jobs and travel and opportunity.

I want all that, I do. I’m just not sure what price I’m willing to pay to get it.

The rest of the day passes in relative quiet. It’s tiring keeping cheerful when we want to lay our heads down and cry a little. We all help out with dinner, and the table is set and ready at four, like we’re residents of some sad retirement community.

Trent takes a huge serving of Mom’s mashed potatoes and smiles at me across the table. It’s the first smile since this morning, and I feel my heart leap in my chest. Mom is right; I can’t risk having things be weird forever between Trent and me. I need to preserve our friendship and our family.

“You made deviled eggs?” Georgia asks.

No one’s touched them.

“Of course. Eileen would have been furious if I didn’t,” Mom answers, picking an egg off the little gift-decorated egg holder. “That was the weirdest tradition your mother had. Who the hell eats deviled eggs on Christmas?”

Trent’s laugh is deep and full. He picks up a second egg.

“Mom could be pretty damn crazy. Remember how she had to have brussel sprouts on Thanksgiving?”

“Let’s let that tradition go,” Ella chimes in, snatching an egg. “Funny, but I can’t imagine Christmas
without
deviled eggs. Is that how the normal people suffer through? Eggless? Because these are delicious.”

Georgia swallows hard and picks one up, looking at it with a slightly nauseous expression.

“It was a family thing for Mom. I think her grandparents had them because they owned chickens, you know, for laying. She said they were really hard up one year, and the only thing they had for Christmas was eggs. Tons of eggs! So her grandmother had to serve them basically every way she could think to.” She puts a hand to her mouth and groans. “I think she told me her grandma even added sugar to them to make them sweet?”

I pull the egg tray my way and lift mine up.

“To Eileen.”

I should say more. Something about how sweet she always was. Or about how much she loved Christmas. An obvious statement about how much we miss her and always will. But my throat is closed up and everyone else is blinking back tears.

“To Eilleen,” Mom says, her voice thick.

We toast with our deviled eggs and everyone takes a bite, though I think Georgia wants to spit hers out. There’s a dull silence after our toast that Mom breaks.

“Georgia, Mr. Stephenson and I have been talking. He’s ready to retire, and I’m no spring chicken. He asked what I thought about limiting the practice hours from eight to noon, Monday to Friday.” Mom takes a deep breath and smiles. “I think I’m gonna take him up on it. I’ve saved enough, and I still get Lennard’s social security money. The girls are working now, so the bills aren’t bad.”

Georgia tucks a curl behind her ear. “That’s great, Mrs. J. I think that sounds like a good idea.”

She gives Mom a confused smile.

“For the baby,” Mom prods. “If you need to use some daycare, I can pick the baby up at twelve. We can come back here, and you come by whenever you need to pick the little one up.”

“Are you sure you can swing that, Mrs. J?” Trent asks, casting a look at his sister that silently tells her to keep her mouth shut. “I don’t mean to butt in, but I wouldn’t want to see you in a tight spot. Mom willed us some money. So did grandpa. If Georgia needs help paying for childcare, I’m more than happy to help.”

Ella pipes in, “And I have a pretty regular schedule now. I’m usually off Wednesdays and Thursdays. I can watch the baby all day those days.”

“Trent, that’s sweet of you, honey, but a baby is expensive. And you’re not even through school yet. You’re gonna need that money. It’s not just the issue of how much it costs. Your mother told me she was determined to find a way to watch her grandbabies when they were little. I don’t like the idea of Georgia’s baby being watched by anyone other than family. Maybe that’s old fashioned?” Mom’s face crumples as she looks across the table. “Oh, sweetheart, what is it? Why are you crying?”

Ella and I rush to either side of George, who’s sobbing so hard, her shoulders are jerking up and down.

“I’m...sorry.” She waves her hand, hitting her knife and sending a line of gravy splashing onto the crisp white table cloth. “I just...felt so alone...without Mom. And I worried. I was so worried. But...thank you. So much. Thank you.”

We all pat her back and offer comforting words, but George has had it. Mom gets up to take her to bed. Ella heads to the kitchen to make her some chamomile tea. Trent and I are left staring across the table at each other.

“That was really awesome of your mom to offer,” he says, staring at his plate.

“Yeah. She really cares about us. All of us.”

I clear my throat. I need to tell him what she said. I need to let him know that I can’t be with him for the best of reasons.

To keep our little family going without complications.

“We should grab the dishes.” Trent stands up, and I follow him to the kitchen.

Unlike last night, we wash quietly, no joking, no brushing up against each other, no secret kisses. Trent remembers where every single item goes, and when it’s all done, we drift back into the deserted living room. Trent stuffs his hands into his pockets and looks into the dim, starless night.

“I should go,” he says, then winces. “Shit. I need a lift.” He nods at me. “You mind?”

Logically speaking, I know every single reason why I should not drive with Trent, alone, to his gorgeous, cozy little house that contains an enormous bed.

A bed where we had sex a few hours ago.

Sex I can’t stop thinking about but have to somehow forget.

“I don’t. Mind.” I back up, dreading the fact that I have to tell him, dreading the thought of a month where I don’t have Trent’s touch and smile and hungry eyes to look forward to. “I’ll just tell mom. Okay? Wait here?”

He nods, but I collide with Ella coming down the stairs in her going-out clothes.

“What’s up, buttercup?” she asks me.

Her pupils are huge, and I wonder if she’s been smoking pot up in her room.

“Just going to tell Mom that I’m on my way to take Trent home,” I tell her.

Her face falls.

“Noooo!” she wails. “Today was hard. We need to drink. And dance. I know where there’s a good party. Seriously good! Even
you’ll
love it. Pleeease,” she begs, putting her hands together prayer-style. “You, me, Trent, kicking back, having fun? It’ll be amazing! Promise. Please? For me?”

She pops out her bottom lip, and I sigh.

“Um...I guess, El. You have to ask Trent if he even wants to go. If he’s not up for it, I’ll just drive him home and meet you there. I guess?”

Even though the idea of being pent up in a tiny space with Trent scares the crap out of me, I was really looking forward to the privacy. So I could tell him what I need to tell him.

Ella rolls her eyes in a wide circle.

“Please. Are you seriously doubting my ability to wrap Trent Toriello around my little finger? He’s in. Put on something sexy. You look like an old maid.” My sister bounds down the stairs yelling, “Trent! Guess where you’re going?”

Now that my original plan is shot to shit. I march up the stairs and find Mom in her bed with a cold compress on her head.

“Are you okay?” I ask quietly.

I sit on the edge of her bed, and she smiles weakly.

“I’m just fine, baby. Nothing a little early bedtime won’t cure. You going out with your sister?”

I nod. “And Trent.”

She locks eyes with me, then pulls the cloth off her head, leaving her forehead damp.

“You’re going to take what I said seriously, right?”

“I am.”

“Maybe you can talk to Trent?”

“I will.” I twist my hands together. “I want us to be friends, Mom. I’d been telling myself exactly what you lectured me about this afternoon. It was just...stupid. We got caught up, but it’s done. And Ella is a great buffer.”

Mom sighs and puts the cool cloth back on her head.

“Maybe not tonight. I hear Antonia’s dyed her hair. Apparently she looks just like Bettie Page, and she’ll be at this party.”

“Ugh. I don’t know about his girl,” I gripe. “Why couldn’t Ella just stay with Melanie? They were so sweet together.”

Mom shrugs.

“Sowing her wild oats, I guess. Your sister isn’t old enough to appreciate a good thing when it’s right in front of her. That’s something you develop with age. Right now she just sees nice tits and big eyes, and she follows them wherever they lead. She’ll learn.”

I kiss her cheek.

“I hope so. Love you.”

“Love you, baby. Have fun and be careful. And would you mind turning off the light on your way out?” she asks.

“Sure.”

I flip the switch and pull Mom’s door shut with a gentle click. Not before I hear the first muffled sob escape her lips. I lean my ear to the door, my hand flexed over the doorknob, but I stop before I turn it.

Mom needs to grieve. She was strong for everyone today, even though she was in misery. Christmas was always hard even when Eileen was around. Dad being gone is hardest to deal with around the holidays, and Eileen was always there to be Mom’s shoulder to cry on.

I try to imagine what it would be like if Georgia wasn’t around anymore, but it’s too scary to dwell on. I push off from the door and creep down the hall, to where Georgia is in my bed.

“Hey, Sade,” she says sleepily, her eyes puffy and slitted shut. “I’ll be out of here in no time. Your mom made me lie down, and you know how there’s no telling your mother ‘no.’”

“Don’t be crazy.” I sit on the desk chair across from the bed, because I don’t want to climb in like I usually would and disturb her. She looks so exhausted, her body sags into the mattress. “I’m totally happy sleeping downstairs. I want you here. I’ll only be around for a month, you know.”

Her smile is lopsided.

“I know. And then you’ll remember exactly why you left this one horse town and never, ever come back unless you have to.”

“I don’t think that’s going to happen.” I reach over and brush some crazy curls back off her cheek. “Ella is dragging me and Trent out.”

“Is she meeting up with Antonia?” Georgia asks, frowning. “I don’t know if I trust that girl. I mean, I think your sister likes that vavoom sexy vibe she’s got going. But what the hell was wrong with Melanie? That girl was the sweetest.”