Heart of the Night (11 page)

“‘I want a very close connection and a strong conviction, like one plus one equals two,’ I said.

“‘We are talking about the heart as the source of faith,’ she replied. ‘But remember that only the man who reasons believes in God. Reason
is in fact the foundation of faith, but man’s relative inability to be sentient, despite his aspirations to it, makes him assign faith to another organ of the body, to avoid contradiction.’

“‘The human being became aware of life, death, and fear,’ I said, ‘and so he ordered his mind to safeguard hope. Even Moses himself wanted to see God.’”

At this point I asked him, “What about your faith now, Jaafar?”

He threw his head back, and with his weak eyes looked at the stream of stars between the minaret of al-Hussein Mosque on the one side and the old houses on the other. “I am unable to deny God’s existence!” he whispered.

He went on narrating his story. “I progressed in my studies and achieved huge success. I became more aware and acquired a diverse culture. I had four boys. It was the happiest and the most fulfilling period in my life.

“Muhammad Shakroun was in charge of the legal alimony to Marwana. When my oldest son reached the legal age to live with me, I decided to use my right to claim him. Huda did not object when I informed her of my decision, but I found out that Marwana had remarried and gone with her husband and the children to live in an oasis. Some said she went to Libya. I was extremely sad.

“My friendship with Shakroun remained intact. We prayed each Friday in al-Hussein Mosque, then ate lunch in Hilmiya. Shakroun’s Islam was limited to the Friday prayer and abstaining from alcohol during the month of Ramadan. He explained to me that artists like him would be judged more leniently, due to their life conditions and the needs of their profession. His success as a second-class singer was established. His popular songs became known and were available on records. He moved with his family to Rod al-Farag, but he never had children.

“He remained my only friend until I met colleagues from Khan Jaafar, who were ahead of me in their studies and worked as lawyers and teachers. I benefited from them, but that was not their only impact on my life, as you will see.

“My children were my main source of happiness. They were extremely handsome and healthy. The oldest was a copy of his great-grandfather, al-Rawi.

“I heard very little about my grandfather, only what Shakroun reported to me. As he grew older, he kept to his house, leaving it only for the Friday prayer at the mosque. He limited the number of receptions for his friends. Those who frequented his home had the impression that with age he had forgotten his past and present preoccupations. I wondered whether I would be more than a memory in his heart.

“I continued my studies and obtained my law degree. Huda generously provided me with a law office in Bab al-Khalq, and furnished it with a valuable library and fine furniture, the kind that is found in the offices of famous lawyers.

“Thus began a new phase in my life.”

7

T
he office attorney was at the center of activities. He was in charge of minor cases that were quite suitable for a young lawyer at the beginning of his career. I was, in fact, his assistant, and my work revolved around his activities. But my office became the meeting place for my friends, especially those whose opinion I sought while studying law. They were originally distant travel companions, but throughout our regular meetings they achieved the political conquest of my soul.

“I want you to know that I was not totally disconnected from politics, as you might think. Among the numerous guests in my grandfather’s house, I met those who shared the same ideas as these new companions. They praised the elite, who, in their view, must rule for the
benefit of the elite, for the masses, and for the homeland. The discussion often revolved around the charter, not as a base for a government of the people, but as a document that validated the elite’s rule and confirmed them vis-à-vis the ruler. It was as if the field of government was available only for the ruler and the elite.

“I admired their grandiose looks, their thick mustaches, and their tidy beards. They would debate quietly, and spoke extensively about knowledge and education, about study missions and the renewal of religious thinking. They never made a secret of their disdain for the riffraff and their rule. They insisted on the necessity of a long-term education for the people, and a continuous awareness that would allow them a modest participation in political life.

“One evening, I heard my grandfather ask them, ‘Politics in your opinion is therefore like Sufism, inaccessible to outsiders?’

“They answered in the affirmative, which made my grandfather wonder, ‘Who would look after the interests of the commoners?’

“‘We are the owners of the agencies that matter,’ they replied. ‘We are the masters of agriculture, trade, and industry. As for the masses, they do not need more than a craft to earn a living, and some services.’

“I was convinced by that theory, and accepted it as the best means to run matters in an orderly fashion. I thanked God for being a member of the elite and not the masses.

“Exciting times arrived then, as the voice of the people rose high and filled the space. The masses demonstrated in large numbers, pouring in like a flood. I watched them from the roof of my grandfather’s palace, surprised and happy.

“Despite all that, I was never drawn to the political realm. I was convinced that I could experience life, its good and its bad, without ever getting involved in politics.

“I became, unexpectedly, strongly involved in politics for the first time, in my office in Bab al-Khalq. I struggled with the concepts of liberalism,
socialism, communism, anarchism, the Salafiya movement, and fascism. I found myself in a raging whirlwind that made my head spin. Following my belief in the holiness of the mind, I turned to it for guidance in the midst of that turmoil.

“One day I was reviewing various ideologies with Professor Saad Kabir. His is the only name I will mention, because of the dangerous role he played in my life, while the others had a minimal impact on me.

“‘What are you?’ he asked me.

“‘Nothing,’ I said hesitantly.

“‘It is death,’ he said, furious. He was a very sensitive man, and extremely nervous, despite his intelligence and vast knowledge. I objected, saying, ‘But I am a diligent student who worships the mind.’

“‘Can the mind fulfill its purpose without providing an opinion on the system of human rule?’

“‘But … but politics serve specific interests,’ I said.

“‘Interests guide the average person to his political party, but a bright mind is able to discriminate between good and evil,’ he explained.

“Smiling, I asked, ‘In your opinion, in what direction are my interests guiding me?’

“‘With the mind you should be able to go beyond your position,’ he replied.

“‘I have to give myself more time for reflection,’ I said.

“I shared my concerns with Huda, since she was my best friend. I had no secrets from her. She said without hesitation, ‘I’ve noticed that politics is destructive to the mind.’

“My answer reflected my inner struggle, as I said to her, ‘This depends on the mind itself.’

“She spoke with conviction: ‘In politics, the mind finds itself in an ordeal.’

“‘Maybe,’ I said. ‘But running away from it is not the solution.’

“I must admit that thinking had become an intrinsic part of my life, and I was strongly challenged by what I had heard in my office. I started wondering about the significance of all that. Despite the reciprocal and sincere feelings of friendship between my friends and me, I had no
doubt that some of them regarded my higher social class with true dislike. As a result, I began for the first time to consider this situation as the source of a socio-political struggle. It was as if I had awakened to find myself lying over the mouth of a volcano.

“As the grandson of al-Rawi, I belonged to the feudalistic class. This put my interests in agreement with the rule of the elite, and might not differ sharply from the religious Salafi ideology. But I did not agree with popular liberalism. As for the communists and the socialists, they were my natural enemies—it was like the enmity between cat and mouse. This was my thinking, but I wondered if I would be able to use the mind to assess those different sects in all honesty. Or would I be betrayed by emotions and use the mind as a clever slave? I could seek peace by avoiding politics, but I believed that this position was not in any way compatible with the respect and veneration of the mind. Politics was life.

“My dialogue with Saad Kabir continued as I found in his position the true challenge, a forceful confrontation. I told him once, ‘Politics is a vast world whose charms are distributed between all ideologies!’

“His dark face and small features became stiff. ‘You are forgiven your hesitation, because an idea needs an incubation period.’

“‘Be patient with me,’ I said. ‘I find the elite noble, cultured, and possessed of a historical authenticity.’

“‘It is possible, in a fair social system, for everyone to rise to the level of the elite,’ he said.

“I thought about that, then said, ‘There are freedom, values, and human rights of great beauty in liberalism.’

“‘This was all used to serve the interests of a special social class,’ he said.

“I said, with the same sincerity, ‘There is in communism full justice that provides human ideologies with the possibility to open up and thrive.’

“‘That is probably the least that can be said about it.’

“I continued, ‘And in religion there are countless balanced benefits.’

“He lost his temper. ‘Damn it!’ he said.

“Disregarding his anger, I said, ‘We seek the truth no matter how long we fumble.’

“Huda was an authentic libertarian and considered the British system ideal. She was following my reflections with concerned interest. I asked her one day, ‘Why are you worried, Huda?’

“‘Thinking about politics,’ she said sincerely, ‘might be followed by political activities, and it is a matter not devoid of danger.’

“I took a deep breath. ‘Safety is a beautiful thing, but there are in life things more important than safety.’

“‘This is why I sometimes feel that my happy household is facing a threat,’ she said.

“I kissed her and said, ‘Be courageous, as I have always known you to be.’

“‘It is fashionable nowadays for young people to believe in communism,’ she told me.

“‘I only think, my darling, and I am not concerned by what is fashionable in any way whatsoever.’

“And so I went on studying and thinking.”