Heart of Rockies 03 - More Than a Feeling (12 page)

She gathered up their bowls. “I bet Lily would love to say hi to Uncle Sawyer.” Traipsing away in the happy gait of a proud new mom, she left him and Bryce facing off over the table.

“Seems like Ruby’s not the only one keeping secrets,” his cousin commented in his direct style. “When are you going to tell Avery about the baby you lost?”

Sawyer had a hard time swallowing. “Why would I tell her?”

“Take it from someone who’s lost a lot…” Which would definitely be Bryce. His first wife had died in a Jeep accident.

“Acknowledging the loss helps. Talking to people helps. You’ll never deal with it if you keep it to yourself.”

He reached for his water glass, wishing it was a beer. But seeing how Bryce was a recovering alcoholic, he never drank in front of him. He sure could use a beer now, though. “I’ve dealt with it.”

“That’s bullshit and you know it.” They never hesitated to call each other out on anything. Hell, when Bryce was spending his days drinking nonstop, Sawyer had given him an ultimatum on more than one occasion.
Straighten yourself out or I throw your ass in jail
. So even though the flames of his temper flared, he didn’t argue.

“Here she is!” Avery announced like she was introducing the queen of England. She hurried over with Lily nestled into the crook of her arm. “Would you mind holding her while I warm up her bottle?”

“Of course not.” He didn’t want to mind. He didn’t want that burning sensation radiating in his chest, but it came anyway. Even so he held out his arms and Avery gently transferred Lily.

Those huge blue eyes peered up at him, round and content. He moved the blanket away from her face and her little hand latched on to his finger.

“Hey there, Lily.” He tried to submerge the rising grief with a smile. She was amazing. So tiny. Fragile. Every instinct in him wanted to protect her. Is this how it would’ve felt to hold his son?

“Are you over Kaylee?” Bryce’s quiet question stole his focus from Lily. It wasn’t as hard to answer as it’d once been.

“Yeah. It’s not her I miss. Not anymore.” They’d had good times and he’d loved her, but they wanted different things, and he wasn’t stupid. “It’s being with someone.” But it had to be the right person. No way did he want to go through another year-long divorce.

“Then maybe you should put yourself out there with Ruby. Take a risk.”

“I take risks all the time.” Hell, just last week, they’d gone rock climbing. Besides, he’d put himself out there with Ruby an hour ago and she’d bailed on him. What else could he do?

“You know what I’m talking about, jackass.” Bryce tossed a wadded-up napkin at him. “Did it ever occur to you that Ruby might be more comfortable talking to you if she knew she wasn’t the only one who’d been through something shitty?”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t realize I was talking to your wife,” he said, just to razz him. Even though…that made a lot of sense.

“Just sayin’.” His cousin leaned back with a shrug. “You can’t expect her to spill her guts if you’re not willing to.”

The man had a point.

H
old
still
, Nell.” Ruby tried not to pinch as she brought the tweezers against the dog’s paw. Closer inspection had shown that there was a massive thorn stuck in one of Nell’s pads, which is what had likely caused the limp.

Thank god she hadn’t run over the poor thing.

“How long have you been wandering around, anyway?” And had she run through a field of thistles or what? Squinting, Ruby pinched the thorn in between the tweezers and plucked.

The dog yipped and squirmed, but Ruby held her tight, finally removing the sharp thistle, which was much longer than it had looked. “There, now. See? All better.” She patted the dog’s head.

Nellie plopped into her lap, exposing her belly as if that had been the most exhausting five minutes of her life.

“It wasn’t
that
bad, was it?” Ruby swept the dog into her arms and carried her over to the kitchen counter. Having no clue what could be wrong with Nellie, she’d driven to the only drugstore open and asked the clerk if he knew anything about dogs. The man was so kind, taking the time to answer her questions. He’d asked if the dog had been outside a lot recently. When she said yes, he suggested that she try searching Nell’s paws for thorns. His dog got stuck with thorns all the time, he explained. Then he showed her everything she might need as a new dog owner. A fluffy round pillow bed, toys, treats, food, even some ointment and bandages for her paw. She’d never had a dog herself, but the clerk was happy to fill the cart with everything she might need.

Half an hour and about two hundred dollars later, here she was…proud owner of her very first pet.

Well. Not exactly
her
pet, really. But she refused to feel guilty. She was only protecting Nellie. If the dog had had a good family, she’d have brought it back to them in a heartbeat. As it was, neither one of them had anyone to love them, so they needed each other. A dog was the perfect distraction after what had just happened between her and Sawyer. The guilt over running out on him like that still burned like embers of regret. She knew she couldn’t protect herself from having feelings for him. It was too late for that. But she could protect both of them from letting it go any further. If she could just wait it out a while longer, he’d be on his way to Denver.

“And now I have something to keep me busy.” That would make it easier. “Isn’t that right, Nellie?” she gushed, giving the dog Eskimo kisses before she set her on the counter. “We have to fix up that owie so you don’t get an infection.” Holding up the dog’s paw, she dabbed ointment onto the wound and coiled the bandage around Nellie’s leg. Then she set the dog on the floor. “How does it feel?”

Nellie took shaky steps before prancing with her head high.

Ruby swiped a chewy stick out of a box and dropped to her knees. “Good girl, Nellie.” She held out the treat and the dog bounded over, sitting like a princess, somehow still wagging her tail across the floor.

How could that man have hurt Nellie? She was such a good dog…obedient and quiet and…

The doorbell chimed.

“Yarf!”

“Hush, Nell!” Blood rushed to her face. It was well past ten o’clock. Which meant that it wouldn’t be a friendly neighborhood salesperson.

Heart thrumming, she scooped up the dog and jogged across the living room to the master bedroom. “You stay, honey.” Ruby set Nell gently in the brand-new doggie bed and straightened. “Stay and I’ll give you another treat, princess.”

The dog cocked her head but didn’t move.

“Good girl,” Ruby said, closing the door tight.

Smoothing her hair, she crept to the door, trying to see through the drawn curtains. If it was the man from down the street, she’d simply tell him she hadn’t seen Nellie. Hopefully the dog wouldn’t bark and give her away.

She paused in front of the door. Oh, lordy. Her heart felt like it was about to implode. Bracing herself, she unlocked the dead bolt and swung it open.

“Sawyer.” It was a half gasp, half question. Dear god! Had the man reported Nell stolen? Was Sawyer here to arrest her?

“Hey,” he said, and she let out the breath she’d been holding because he wasn’t in his uniform and she couldn’t see any handcuffs anywhere. He couldn’t arrest her in civilian clothes, could he?

“Um. Is everything okay?” She stepped out onto the porch, closing the door securely behind her.
Please don’t let Nell yip. Not now…

Sawyer shoved his hands into his pockets. “Everything’s fine.”

It should’ve made her feel better, but Ruby still couldn’t breathe. Had he come to ask why she’d run away from him in the middle of such an exquisite kiss? Or maybe to finish that kiss? Because right now, looking at him in those worn jeans and faded blue
ASPEN POLICE
t-shirt that fit snugly over his broad shoulders, she couldn’t remember why she’d run away.

She must be out of her ever-loving mind. Why would she
ever
run away from this man?

Sawyer shifted awkwardly. “I just…I wanted to tell you something. Can we talk inside?”

“No,” flew out before she could think. “Um. Actually, things are a mess in there right now.” It wasn’t a lie. The dog paraphernalia had been scattered everywhere. Who knew a dog required so much stuff? “Why don’t we sit on the swing instead?” she suggested, because if Sawyer came in and found Nell in her house, he’d force her to take the dog back to that awful man. And she couldn’t let that happen.

Before he could argue, she led him to the porch swing Elsie had purchased as a housewarming gift when she’d moved in. She’d loved the front porch from the first time Elsie had brought her over to see the house. It spanned the entire length of the duplex and was homey and quaint, complete with white columns and intricate molding. The swing was made from two white antique doors that Elsie had rummaged out of someone’s trash. She’d had Bryce build them into a swing and it fit the house perfectly.

“Sorry to barge in like this,” Sawyer said, sitting close enough that she could feel his thigh against hers.

Oh, lordy.
His thigh was so solid. As were his arms. And chest…pretty much everything, actually. “Don’t apologize. It’s fine.” That unfinished kiss lodged between them; she could feel it charging the air. She cleared her throat and tried to breathe like a normal human instead of a sex-starved woman. “About what happened earlier…” What could she possibly say? “It wasn’t that I didn’t
want
to come home with you…”

“That’s not why I’m here.” Sawyer hunched over slightly, staring out at the night, gazing around as though looking for something. Courage, maybe?

She looked, too. It was a beautiful night, the air soft and cool, scented with the neighbor’s overgrown lilac bush. The swing creaked and the crickets chanted a calming melody. Her fingers fidgeted with the swing’s chain. The metal was cold and soothing against her skin. She looked up at the crescent moon, just a skinny slice in the black sky with stars sparkling all around it. She still couldn’t believe how many stars you could see in the mountains. They were so vibrant, so plentiful. Her first night in Aspen had convinced her it was a magical place, and it still felt that way every time she saw it. Somehow, sitting here with Sawyer, taking in the magic of the night, it felt even more enchanted.

“Kaylee lost a baby. Before the divorce,” Sawyer said, his normal commanding voice dulled by pain. “
We
lost a baby.”

“Oh, god.” A familiar knot of grief pulled tight under her ribs and hitched her breath. She’d never lost a baby, but she’d lost the chance to ever carry a baby, to ever have a baby of her own.

But this wasn’t about her loss. Swallowing against the cloud of sadness that rose in her throat, she rested her hand on his and turned to face him, pulling one leg up on the swing. “What happened?”

Sawyer faced her, too, looking into her eyes like he wasn’t afraid to let her see the pain that resided there. “Kaylee was five months pregnant and the baby died. The cord had wrapped around his neck.”

Ruby closed her eyes against a warm rush of tears. “I’m so sorry.” The words couldn’t touch that pain, she knew. She knew how it felt to give up on the dream of ever holding your baby…

“That was when our marriage started to fall apart.” He moved his arm so that her hand slid down into his.

She threaded their fingers together, desperate to give him something to hold on to. “I guess I wanted to tell you because…” He turned over his hand, so that his palm rested against hers. “I don’t want you to be afraid of me, Ruby. We all have things in our pasts we’d rather not talk about.”

She pulled her hand away, resting it in her lap, looking for the stars again. “Are you here to ask me about my past again?” Is that why he’d come? To tell her something about himself so she’d swap secrets with him?

“No.” He scooted closer and reached his hand to her cheek a gentle caress, turning her head slightly until he could look into her eyes. “I won’t bug you about your past anymore. You don’t have to tell me anything.”

It should’ve calmed her, but instead her heart did flips. His eyes were so intense…

“The past doesn’t matter. Because I know what I see now.” That sexy smile loosened a sigh from her lungs.

“I see a woman who’s stronger than she thinks is. Brave, even,” he said. “Wise. Hell of a gorgeous body.” His gaze lowered down her legs and back up. “I didn’t think I was being subtle, but in case you haven’t noticed, I’m attracted to you. I can’t say I’ve felt that way about anyone since I met Kaylee. And I was just hoping…you’d give me a chance.”

The words were so sincere, so honest, that every defensive wall she’d raised came crashing down around her, leaving her exposed and open.

The man was nothing like Derek, who’d only ever let her see strength and power and an unyielding control.
No.
Sawyer was okay with his vulnerabilities. They didn’t seem to make him feel weak, didn’t make him feel the need to assert anything over someone else. It was like he didn’t care if she knew he was as lost and damaged as she was.

“Sawyer…” There was so much she couldn’t tell him. So many reasons she should ask him to leave, to leave her alone. But the ache tightening inside of her would never go away if she didn’t touch him, if she didn’t feel the generous hunger of his lips against hers, the thrilling sensation of his hands reading every curve of her body. So instead of saying anything, instead of casting him out of her life, she scooted to her knees so she could reach his lips, first touching them lightly with her fingers. “You’re a good man, Sawyer Hawkins,” she whispered. And though she knew he couldn’t have her forever, she could give herself to him now. He could have her for this one moment.

His gaze fused with hers, the mesmerizing blue of his eyes smoldering like the center of a flame. His large hands settled on her hips and tugged them until she straddled him.

The swing pitched forward and she wrapped her arms around his neck to keep from losing her balance.

“This isn’t why I came here,” he informed her hoarsely.

“That’s disappointing,” she breathed against his neck. The stubble made her lips tingle.

Sawyer sighed in a helplessly delicious way and took her chin in his hand, bringing her lips to meet his, brushing them lightly in teasing preview.

Oh, lordy, lordy, lordy…the man could
kiss
.

He pulled back to look at her, but what good was that? She wanted to feel him against her, solid and safe and warm. So she wrapped her legs all the way around his waist, cinching them tighter until the hard bulge of his desire for her pulsed between her legs. It was blinding the way he made her lungs pound, the way he sent her dizzy heart twirling in circles. His touch brought her somewhere else, made her feel like someone else. Someone whole and unbreakable. The person she’d always wanted to be.

“You feel so good,” he murmured, nipping at her neck, sneaking his hands under her shirt and easing them up her rib cage. “God, Ruby you have the most perfect body.”

That was sweet, considering his ex-wife looked like a Victoria’s Secret model.

“You’re not so bad yourself,” she gasped, because his hands roamed higher, over her thin bra, his rough skin grazing the points of her nipples, while the soft warmth of his tongue seared her neck.

He laughed against her skin, and she loved to hear him laugh, loved the way it resonated against her, loved the way it erased the evidence of grief from his posture. It was intoxicating, making him laugh. It made her feel like she was giving him something no one else could.

Tracing his lips back to her mouth, he kissed her deeply, hands still stroking the sensitive skin of her nipples, which were already hardened into knots of quivering pleasure.

“Can we,” he uttered between kisses, “go in—”

Headlights cut across the dark night, slicing through her vision, and Ruby had to blink her eyes back into focus.

Sawyer looked toward the truck that was humming down the road.

“Uh-oh,” he muttered. “Busted.” He withdrew his hands from Ruby’s skin and her body suddenly felt ice-cold.

Sure enough, the truck bounced into Elsie’s side of the driveway, which happened to have a clear view of the front porch.

“Oh, lordy!” What would her boss think of her sitting in Sawyer’s lap getting felt up like a sneaky high school girl? Scrambling, she untangled herself from him and jolted to the other side of the bench just as Elsie climbed out of her truck. “Hello, you two!” she greeted them happily. “I’m so glad you’re here! How about a cup of tea?”

“Um, sure,” Ruby struggled to reply, what with the humiliation crowding her throat.

Sawyer, however, didn’t seem to share her awkwardness. He shifted and gathered her close to his side as if it was the most normal thing in the world for her to be sitting on the porch wrapped in his arms. “Evening, Aunt Elsie,” he called over. “Tea sounds great.” He leaned into Ruby. “We’ll finish this another time.”

The promise in those words sent a fervent yearning rippling down her stomach until it gathered low enough to make her lady parts throb. Yes. She wanted him. She wanted to make love to him, to share that deeper part of herself she’d never shared with anyone else. Lord knew he was worthy of it.