Heart Of Marley (36 page)

Slamming the door to my room, I collapsed onto my bed, my emotions overtaking me once more. I didn’t know how many tears a person could possibly cry until they would no longer fall.
 

Hours later, I heard a gentle knock on my door. Opening my eyes, I noticed the sky was turning pink, the sun setting in the west.

“Come in,” I croaked out, keeping my vision trained on the horizon, wondering how the world could keep turning even though Marley was gone.

“Cameron, baby.”

I turned my head at the sound of that unexpected voice.

“Mama? What are you doing here?” I tried to hide my surprise at seeing her standing there. She looked so calm and level-headed. I expected her to be drowning her sorrows in a bottle somewhere like she did after Dad died. Hell,
I
wanted to drink to try to dull the heartache.

“I came to check on you, sweetheart.” She made her way over to the bed.

I sat up, allowing her to wrap her small arms around me. It didn’t matter that I was taller than her by over a foot. At that moment, I felt like the little eight-year-old boy that cried in his mother’s arms after losing his father. But this time, I was an eighteen-year-old young man that had just lost his sister.

“How are you doing, baby?”

I shook my head. “Not good, Mama. Not good at all. When will it stop hurting? How come I don’t remember feeling like this when Dad died?”

She rubbed my back and attempted to assuage me. “You were too young to really feel that loss, Cameron. You cried a lot. We all did. But you had Marley to help you get through it.” Her chin began to quiver as the words left her mouth.

“You loved Marley with everything you had. Just like I loved your father with everything
I
had. And that makes the pain even worse because you don’t think you can possibly move on from the suffering you’re feeling right now. But you will. You’re a survivor, Cameron. No matter what obstacles life has placed in front of you in the past, you made it through. And you’ll make it through this, too. It won’t be easy. It’ll hurt. Some days will be easier than others, but you’ll find a way to keep Marley with you. She’ll always be a part of you. Just because she’s not here physically doesn’t mean that she’s gone forever. Remember those moments you had with her. Remember that connection, and I guarantee you’ll feel her spirit.”

I nodded slightly.

“Come on, baby. Come downstairs. You can’t go through this alone. I made that mistake after your dad died. I pushed everyone away instead of allowing anyone to help me. It was the worst decision of my life because I lost you and Marley. Be with your family. They need you just as much as you need them. Meg and Julianne need their big brother.”

“I’m not their brother.”

Mama shrugged. “Maybe not by blood, but being a brother is so much more than having the same parents. You have a connection to those little girls, and they’re going through something that no six- and five-year-old should be going through right now. They keep asking when Marley will be home. Please. I think if they could just see you and hug you, it will make it easier on them when they finally realize that Marley won’t be coming home.”

I let out a loud sob at my mother’s words, still unable to come to terms with the fact that I’d never hear the front door open, followed by Marley’s heavy footsteps running up the stairs again. At that moment, I knew the world was a cruel place.

My mama grabbed my hand and led me from my darkened bedroom and down the stairs. The house was full of activity, light, and grief at the same time. My aunt sat at the table in the dining room on the phone, apparently keeping herself busy by planning Marley’s memorial service. My uncle sat in the living room with several people I recognized from church, but couldn’t remember their names.

“Cam!” Meg squealed when she saw me emerge. “Auntie Grace said she’d get you to come out and play with us! Do you want to play Chutes and Ladders?”

Remembering Mama’s words, I plastered a weak smile on my face, trying to be strong for the girls. I needed my family now more than I ever had before. But the person I really needed was Marley. She was the only one who truly understood me. She was the only one to tell me that I was being an ass. She was the only one to assure me that everything would work out. I no longer had that voice in my head.

“Go grab your game and we’ll play in the den to stay out of your parents’ way.”

She smiled, showing me where she had lost another tooth since I saw her on Friday, and ran up to her room in search of her board game.

Mama squeezed my arm in a comforting manner. “You’re a good kid, Cameron. After your dad died, I often wondered if my life would have been better if I had never met him because my heart physically ached. Then I looked at you kids and I knew it was worth it. You’ll eventually find something or someone that makes the pain you feel right now worth it. I promise you. It may not be today or tomorrow or even this year. But eventually, you’ll realize this happened for a reason.”

~~~~~~~~~~~

T
IME
PASSED
MERCILESSLY
SLOW
as we all sat in the living room, not saying anything, well-wishers stopping by with a fruit basket or a casserole. Occasionally, I would see tears falling down Mama’s face as she looked at me. I couldn’t imagine what she was going through at that moment. I lost my sister, but she lost her daughter. She had tried to keep a strong front as we went through the motions of planning Marley’s memorial, when I’m sure that all she wanted to do was cry. There were no expectations on my shoulders. I was able to let out my emotions, and I did. But my poor mother continued to smile and say she was fine, when it was clear that she was anything but fine.

What do you even say at this point? That you’re sorry? That you should have known? “Sorry” just seems like such an inadequate word. Over the next few weeks, I knew I would be hearing that word a lot.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Is there anything I can do?
Yes. There’s something you could do. You could bring my sister back. Empty compassion. Empty assurances. Empty feelings. That’s what I had to prepare myself for.

Now that Marley was dead, mourning her became the “in” thing to do. People came to our house in droves to tell us how sorry they were, although they didn’t seem to be upset or saddened by her passing. To them, this was probably another way to maintain their status in the church or in the community.

All I could think as I listened to their fake condolences was how come they didn’t find the compassion for her while she was going through whatever she was over these past several years? Everyone neglected the cry for help that Marley’s actions were screaming at all of us. Her silence was deafening and we ignored it. Each and every person in this town dug her grave, myself included.

After the third day of having our house inundated with well-wishers, I couldn’t take it anymore. “I’ll be upstairs,” I said curtly to my uncle as he grieved with a few parishioners of the church.

He grabbed my arm. “Cameron, you should stay down here.”

“Why?” I seethed. “None of these people gave a shit about Marley when she was still alive. Now that she’s dead, you know why they do? Because a dead teenager is newsworthy. They can all reminisce years down the road about the poor girl who put a fucking bullet in her head because no one thought it was important to put her in therapy. All these people care about is their perfect little world where little eight-year-old girls aren’t raped and molested on a daily basis. People don’t speak of such things. So Marley didn’t speak of such things and it killed her. Now all these people, you and Aunt Terryn included, are trying to wipe clean their guilty conscience by coming here and saying how sorry they are for my loss.
My loss
. Not theirs. They don’t feel the loss. Not like me, or Mama, or Meg or Julianne. Because they didn’t lose anyone. So if you’ll excuse me, I’d like to mourn my sister the way that I should be… Away from all these fake people who didn’t care about Marley when she was alive.” I pushed past him, ignoring the loud silence in our living room.

Dashing up to my room, I opened the window, climbing through the narrow opening to our spot. A chill set over my body as I lay down against the hard surface. The wind picked up and I could almost hear Marley’s laugh. I could almost feel her hair blowing on my face. I could almost feel her tears fall down my cheeks. Until I realized that they were my own tears.

“Why did you do it?!” I shouted, staring at the darkening sky above me. “Why couldn’t you talk to me? Or Mama? Did you not think that this would affect me? Did you not think about any of us? Why did you have to be so damn selfish, Mar?!”

I took a deep breath, trying to control my emotions to get through what I wanted to say to her. “How am I supposed to go on without you? Do you expect me to just keep going on as if nothing has changed?
Everything
has changed. I don’t know who I am without you. I don’t know how to even be
me
now. Such a huge part of me is missing.”

Tears continued to fall as I listened to the calming sound of the waves just a few blocks away. “I still feel you out here, ya know? I always loved sitting on this roof with you, Marley Jane. Out here was where we could just be us. The us that we were before Dad died. You and your shooting stars.” I shook my head, laughing through my tears at all of my sister’s crazy ideas. The realization of it all overwhelmed me. “I guess you’re the shooting star I have to look for now.”

Wiping my cheeks, I settled my cries. “I should have said something and made you get the help you needed, regardless of what Uncle Graham and Aunt Terryn thought. I should have gone behind their backs and put you in therapy. I have so much money saved up for college. I should have taken that money and put it to better use. I didn’t mean to let you down, Marley.

“What made you snap this weekend? What happened to you? How come you didn’t come talk to me before thinking it was a good idea to go kill Buck? I thought things were looking up, Mar. I really did. We just turned eighteen. We were about to go move in with Mama. Could you not wait two more weeks? You broke my fucking heart, Marley. Half of my heart is dark. Your light is gone.”

I closed my eyes and pretended that Marley was next to me, staying silent as she contemplated the meaning of life. That was the only thing that mended the hole in my soul.

That night, I remained on the roof, clutching a pillow off Marley’s bed to my chest, but sleep never came. Every time I closed my eyes, Marley’s slumped over body flashed in front of me. Remorse overwhelmed me for rushing to Buck and not disarming her first. I was so worried she had killed him that I failed to protect her. I prayed with everything I had in me that it was all a horrible dream. That I would open my eyes and see Marley’s smiling face lying next to me, her hair blowing in the wind, her face bright with laughter. Instead, in the morning, I opened my eyes to the cruel reality that was now my life. I never imagined what life without Marley would be like. Besides my mama, she was the only person I knew since the day I was born. Now that she was gone, I felt like I didn’t know how to breathe. That I didn’t know how to exist.

F
RIDAY
MORNING
CAME
AND
I went through the normal motions. Eat breakfast. Brush my teeth. Shower. Get dressed. Instead of going to school, I was heading to the church with my family, all of us dressed in our best clothes. When saying good-bye to your world, you should look your best, right?

I sat there, in a complete daze, during the service. I heard my uncle’s voice reverberate through the tall walls of the sanctuary, but I couldn’t comprehend what he was saying. The one thing I kept hearing over and over was that this was God’s plan. I couldn’t understand that. How could a teenage girl killing herself possibly fit into
anyone’s
plan? All I could think was that God must be a cruel bastard if he took my sister from me for some bigger purpose. I didn’t give a fuck about what the purpose was. Maybe it was selfish, but I had a purpose for Marley’s life, too. And that was having her by my side through all of our ups and downs, not having to say good-bye to her before she even got to graduate high school.

I contemplated all the life experiences I would now miss out on because Marley was gone. I’d never be able to see her at U.S.C. or have her come visit me at Georgetown. I’d never be able to go out to a bar with her to celebrate our twenty-first birthdays. And I’d never be able to dance with her on her wedding day.

Unable to take it anymore, I abruptly stood up and bolted down the aisle. Throwing the large wooden doors of the church open, I inhaled deeply, trying to subdue the lump that had taken up permanent residence in my throat over the past week.

Collapsing on the stairs, I didn’t care if anyone saw me sobbing uncontrollably. Nothing mattered anymore. Nothing could heal the scar on my heart.