Heart Of A Cowboy (14 page)

“I know, hon. I shouldn't have let him out, but he was so lonely for you.” She strode toward the barn, keeping a grasp on her son's shoulder.

Zachary released the gelding into a pasture with other horses, and he immediately ran off. His father said something to Zachary, then hurried away, nodding to her and Nicholas as he passed.

“I'm sorry about Tucker,” Jordan said when she reached Zachary.

“Bad timing. It happens. No problem.” He took a step and winced.

“You're hurt.”

“I've been hurt worse before, and I doubt it will be the
last time. This is nothing. A cowboy is used to bumps and bruises.”

Nicholas puffed out his chest. “Yeah, Mom. I fell off a horse and hurt my bottom. I was sore a few days, but it was no big deal.”

“You fell off a horse?”

“Yeah. Didn't I tell you about it? It was last week. I was trying to open the gate to ride through it. I held on to it too long while Chief went on into the field.”

“No, you two neglected to mention that.”

Zachary compressed his lips, his nostrils flaring like the agitated gelding. “For this very reason. Nicholas is okay and learned a valuable lesson.”

“It was one thing that it happened and an entirely different thing when I'm not kept informed.”

Nicholas took his dad's hand. “I didn't want to worry you. You worry too much.”

Father and son strolled toward the barn, leaving Jordan to stare at them. Her heart constricted at the thought she was losing her child. He might be her only one, because no matter how much she tried to move on after Zachary she hadn't been able to and now she knew the impossibility of that relationship.

She hurriedly followed the pair into the barn, catching Nicholas before he went into a stall. “We have to get going. You have a class today.”

Her son's face brightened. “I almost forgot and I really want to hear what Dr. Reynolds has to say about the heart.”

She wouldn't be half-surprised if Nicholas already knew most of what the doctor would impart to the students today. When he'd discovered what was wrong with him, he'd delved into everything he could get his hands on concerning his heart. If it had been too hard for him to read, she
had read aloud for her son. It hadn't taken him long before she didn't have to.

Nicholas started for the double doors.

Zachary chuckled. “I once asked him to tell me about his heart defect, and it took all my willpower to keep my eyes from glazing over as he explained.”

“Dr. Reynolds has been particularly patient with all Nicholas's questions during class.”

“Do you stay?”

“No, I run errands, but I can tell by what he and Nicholas have said that he asks a lot of questions.”

Nicholas placed his hand on his hip. “Mom, we're going to be late.”

“At least I feel good about his math and science. The rest of the subjects I'm not so sure about.” She strode away before Zachary had a chance to ask what she meant. She shouldn't have confessed her doubts about homeschooling Nicholas. Doubts she had to work through.

 

“How was class today? Did you learn anything more about the heart?” Jordan asked as she picked up Nicholas at the doctor's office where he held the biweekly classes.

“Yeah, a couple of things. Class got me to thinking. I need to be studying the anatomy of the different animals to help prepare me to be a veterinarian. There'll be similarities but also differences between species. When I'm older, I can help out at a vet's office. What do you think?”

“You've got some time before that.”

“Dad said he would introduce me to his vet. I hope I can start taking college courses by age fifteen. You can help me plan that. Now that I'm being homeschooled, I can go at my own rate. I don't have to hold back.”

“You've been holding back?”

“Some. I didn't like the other kids making fun of what
I knew. I never felt like I could be myself around my classmates.”

After pulling into the driveway at her childhood home, Jordan shifted toward her son and took in his serious expression. “Hon, it's okay if you're a kid and you have fun.”

“I am. I love going to the ranch, helping Dad with the horses. One day I'll be able to do what he does.”

“Fall off a horse? Didn't you already?”

“Dad's like a horse whisperer. I want that kind of connection. I've been working with Tucker on that.”

College in five years? Her son had his whole life mapped out while she was still struggling with hers. “Oh, I almost forgot to tell you, I got you signed up for art lessons.”

“Do you think a cowboy would draw?”

“Excuse me?”

“Maybe I should do photography or learn how to play the harmonica.”

“I thought you liked to draw and wanted to learn more.”

“That was last month. Do you know that Dad plays the fiddle?”

“A violin?”

“No, it's called a fiddle. He took it up when he was on the rodeo circuit. Some of the guys had an informal little band.” Nicholas tapped the side of his chin. “Yep, I'm thinking the harmonica would complement a fiddle. I'll ask Dad.”

Had her son been watching a lot of old Western movies or something like that? Before she could say another word, he pushed open the car door and raced for the porch. She felt as though a tornado had flattened her. Her child was changing into someone she didn't know. Becoming more like Zachary.

Her stomach knotted as she trudged toward the house. Scratch the drawing lessons. Where could she find someone to teach her son the harmonica? Maybe photography would be a better choice. It would be easier to find a class for that.

When she entered the foyer, she called out to Nicholas. He came to the top of the stairs and peered over the banister.

“We need to get to work. I'll be up there in a minute. This week's essay is an expository one.” Nicholas groaned.

“You'll need to pick a topic and explain in detail about a certain event or situation. No editorial comments. Facts and other people's views.”

“Anything I wish?”

“Yes, if it fits the type of essay.”

“Great!” He fled down the upstairs hallway, the sound of his pounding footsteps resonating through the house. The words
great
and
writing
never went hand in hand with Nicholas. She strode into the den where Granny usually was at this time of day to let her know they were home—which obviously she'd already heard—and see if she was okay. Granny had had a headache earlier, and when she'd left for the ranch, her grandmother was lying down in her bedroom.

Five minutes later Jordan entered Nicholas's room and came to an abrupt halt. A video clip of Zachary on the back of a bull at a rodeo bombarded her. When she saw him tumble to the ground as the horn sounded, the next few seconds snatched her breath.

N
icholas glanced back at Jordan, then quickly clicked off the video.

She held up a trembling hand and pointed at the computer. “Where did you get that?”

“I found it online. I have all the rodeo clips of Dad, at least the ones I could find.”

The image of the bull trampling Zachary shook her as though she had been there and seen the horrific sight of his battered body lying in the dirt. “I don't want you watching that or any ones like it.”

“My essay is going to be about the rodeo. I was doing research.” Nicholas turned totally around in his desk chair and faced her.

She folded her arms across her chest. She couldn't shake the picture from her mind. Zachary hurt. Not moving. “Find another topic.”

“I know what happened to Dad that last time he rode. He told me about it. I'm not a baby. Quit trying to protect me.”

Remain calm.
Yes, she'd known an accident had caused Zachary's limp, but she'd never thought it had been as bad
as what she'd seen. She waited half a minute to answer her son. “What do you suggest I do? Let you do whatever you want?”

He straightened his shoulders. “What are you afraid of? That I'll go out the first chance I get and ride a bull like Dad? I love riding horses, but I know I don't have what it takes to ride a bull. I don't want to learn. You can quit worrying about that. But I want to learn everything about something my father loves. He spent many years participating in the rodeo. A lot of the horses he raises end up in the rodeo. So what are you afraid of?”

A pressure in her chest expanded to encompass her whole body. She stared at her son and tried to come up with an answer to his question that didn't expose her fears. She couldn't. “I'm afraid of losing you.”
I'm afraid I'll be alone.

“To Dad?”

Tears lumping in her throat, she nodded. She'd centered her life around him for so long she didn't know what she would do if something happened to Nicholas. That one time waiting for him to come out of surgery had given her a glimpse of the fear that gripped her in a stranglehold.
How do I turn that over to You, Father?

Nicholas leaped up, raced across the room and threw his arms around her. “You aren't going to lose me. I love you, but I love Dad, too. Can't I love both of you?”

She buried her face in his hair. “Yes. I haven't had to share you for ten years. Give me some time to get used to the idea.”

“Sure.” He leaned back, still clasping her. “But I want to learn about the rodeo. I already have a thesis statement.”

The excitement in her son's voice wiped away her concerns. She'd never heard him so eager to write a paper. She
had to trust in the Lord. “What happened to your father that last rodeo?”

“Have him tell you. I always believe in going to the primary source, so ask him.”

“I will. I need to understand, too.” She ruffled his hair. “So you've already got a thesis statement. This is a first.”

Grinning from ear to ear, he moved back to the computer and brought up a blank screen. “Yes, but I want to do a lot more research. But the idea of a cowboy is disappearing and I think the rodeo is one of the last bastions of the cowboy ideal. Rugged. Fearless. Skilled.”

Jordan swallowed several times. These thoughts hadn't just formulated in the past fifteen minutes. Nicholas had been thinking about it for a while. “Let me know when you're through with your research. We'll work on the rough draft together.”

“I'd like to write the rough draft by myself first before we work together.”

“Okay. I'll leave you to write.”

Jordan left her son's bedroom and headed downstairs to the kitchen where she had her laptop. She would do her own online search of Zachary's name and see what video clips were posted. When she'd told Nicholas she needed to understand, she'd meant that. What had made Zachary get on the back of a two-thousand-pound bull? Take risks in his professional life but not his personal one?

 

“Mom, what are you doing here? I was coming up to Becca's in half an hour.” Zachary moved out of the way to allow his mother into his house.

“I thought we would talk a few minutes before the barbecue. Before Nicholas and—” she tensed, her mouth firming in such a thin line her lips vanished.

“—Jordan arrive. I think it's about time we talk, too.”

“You do? You've been avoiding me all week.”

He rubbed his nape. “I know. I haven't figured out how I feel about anything. Everything has happened so fast these past weeks.”

His mother strode into the living room and took a seat on the couch. “But we need to talk about what I did all those years ago. Avoiding the subject won't make it go away.”

Restless energy surged through him. He remained standing. “Why didn't you tell me about Jordan's calls? I know you said you were protecting me….” His words trailed into the silence. Were his mother and Jordan alike—protecting their sons?

“Ever since she came to see me last Monday, I've—”

“Wait, you talked with Jordan on Monday?”

“Yeah, she came to tell me she'd forgiven me. Can you believe that? She forgives me while she's the one who kept the fact you had a son from us.”

“She did,” he murmured, sinking onto the chair nearby, the spike of energy suddenly siphoning from him.

“I told her how I felt.”

“How?”

“I'm angry like you. We missed ten years of Nicholas's life. Ten!”

But I'm not angry anymore.
That realization settled over him, calming his restless spirit. “She had her hands full with Nicholas's illness and raising him alone.”

“That was her choice.”

“True. But she was hurt when I didn't call. She thought I didn't want to have anything to do with her. You told her I was engaged when I wasn't.”

“Are you defending her?” Anger sparked his mother's eyes and deepened the lines on her face.

“I'm trying to understand her. I'm trying to make this situation with Nicholas work.”

“She did you wrong. Stay away from her.”

Zachary bolted to his feet and paced. “I can't. I have to think about Nicholas now.” Pausing, he rotated toward his mother. “Why didn't you tell me she called?”

“I told you I was protecting you. She hurt you bad. I still remember how you were after you two broke up. You needed to get on with your life without her.”

The similarities hit him full force. So like Jordan with Nicholas. “I needed to know I was having a child.” His hands balled at his sides. So many emotions swirled around inside him like a dust storm on the prairie.

“I did what any mother would do. Looking out for the best interests of her child, no matter what.”

“Including lying?”

Her face pale, she stared down at her hands twining in her lap. “I wouldn't have kept anything like Nicholas from you if I had known.” When she lifted her head, tears shone in her eyes. “I would have done it differently. Given you the messages. But she didn't tell me.”

His mother's words cut through his heart like a piece of barbed wire. He had enough turmoil in his life without adding conflict with his mother to the list. “Let's just drop this. It's in the past. We can't change it now.”

She rose. “I agree.”

“But I need you to be civil to Jordan at the barbecue for Nicholas's sake.”

“I'll do my best. But why does she have to come to a family dinner?”

“Because she's my child's mother. Becca and her have become friends. And Nicholas wants her there.”

She tilted her head and pinned her gaze on him. “But not you?”

“I want her there for all those reasons.” He evaded what his mother really wanted to know because he didn't have
an answer. Ever since Jordan had returned to Tallgrass, his emotions had been bound in knots—ones he couldn't slip loose easily.

 

“I'm gonna miss Grandma and Granddad when they return to Arizona in a couple of days.” Nicholas squirmed in the front seat of Jordan's Camaro the closer they got to the ranch.

“I'm glad you're enjoying their visit.” But thinking about her talk with Zachary's mother made her tighten her hands about the steering wheel.

Jordan pulled into the gravel road that led to Becca's house. The closer she came, the more her stomach constricted and roiled. She wished she had her son's excitement about this barbecue.

When she parked in front, Nicholas leaped from the car, raced toward the porch and disappeared inside. The sound of voices, a laugh, floated to her. This was Nicholas's family. Not hers. She should have stayed home. And yet, she and Zachary needed to do things without Nicholas—get to know each other as adults. Maybe she should ask him to go on a picnic like they had as teenagers.

But first she had to get through the barbecue with his mother.

Dropping her head on the steering wheel, she closed her eyes and prayed for strength and patience to get through this afternoon.
I can do this.
Then she remembered Mrs. Rutgers's words and the chill that emanated from the woman when she'd talked with her in the kitchen the other day. The chill enveloped her as she sat in the front seat.

A rap on her window startled her. She twisted around. Zachary's handsome face filled her vision. The ice that encased her melted away.

He opened the door. “Are you okay?”

The concern in his voice soothed some of her tension.
I can do this for Nicholas.
She relaxed and smiled. “Just working myself up to see your mother again.”

“Ah.” He straightened. “She'll behave herself. She promised me.”

“I wish you hadn't had to ask.” She climbed from the car.

“Me, too. But I imagine you can understand her feelings since you're a mother.”

Jordan started for the house, hoping the next few hours sped by in a blur. When she neared the porch, laughter wafted to her from inside. She slanted a look toward Zachary next to her. “Does Becca need help in the kitchen?”

He chuckled. “A strategic escape. Not bad. I'm sure she would enjoy your company.”

When she entered, she said hi to everyone then made her way toward the kitchen. At the door she peered back at Zachary's mom, who nailed her with a sharp gaze. What was the woman thinking? She shouldn't have accepted the invitation.

“I'm so glad you came, Jordan.” With her hands full, Becca shut the refrigerator with a push of her hip. “I could use you to put the potato salad together. The potatoes are cooked, but that's as far as I've gotten.”

“I'd be glad to.”

“It'll beat playing soccer.” Becca gave her a knife and cutting board.

“Soccer?”

“Yeah, Zachary and Paul thought it be would a great idea to have an impromptu game. Of course, they didn't take into account I don't play and neither does Mom. I hurried in here to finish making the dinner and left them to pick teams.”

“So your mom is going to join us?”

Chuckling, Becca shook her head. “Dad and Mom are gonna be cheerleaders.”

“Nicholas doesn't know how to play.” Jordan began dicing the potatoes.

“My youngest doesn't, either. Nicholas will learn. Zachary is a great teacher.”

“Speaking of teaching, how do you homeschool three children? I feel like I'm in over my head half the time. I've been doing it a month, and I don't know if I'm doing it the right way.”

“There's no one right way. What you do will depend on your child and how he learns. In Nicholas's case, he loves to learn. A lot of what he does will be self-directed whereas with Mike I have to be on top of him every step of the way. For Nicholas, you'll have to make sure he covers all he needs and doesn't get stuck on one subject. I know he's great with math, and from what Zachary has said, he doesn't like to write. You'll have to make sure he does it.”

Jordan took the boiled eggs and began chopping them to add to the large mixing bowl. “Yeah, I've been doing that. He whines when I make him write, even using the computer. With everything else he doesn't give me any problems.”

“When it doesn't come easy or they don't like it, they balk at doing it. You should see Ashley with math. She hates it. There are times I've lost my patience with her, and I don't like doing that. Frustrating.” Taking a wooden spoon, Becca stirred the brownie mixture.

“I know what you mean. He's so smart, but he gets frustrated with himself when he starts putting his thoughts down on paper.” After adding the pickled relish, Jordan sliced a red onion. “Except with this newest writing project. He's really gotten into it.”

“What's it about?”

“An expository essay about the rodeo. He told me he was almost through with the rough draft. I've seen some of it. It's the best writing he's ever done.”

“That's my brother's influence.”

Jordan cocked her head, thinking back over the past weeks and the changes she'd seen in Nicholas. “Yes, it is. Until Zachary, I didn't realize how much my son needed a father. It's always been just the two of us and that has seemed fine. But it wasn't really.”

After pouring the chocolate batter into an oblong pan, Becca stuck it into the oven. “Kids do best when they have a stable environment with two loving parents.”

Jordan paused in cutting up the onion, her eyes watering from its strong odor. If only she had swallowed her pride and hurt years ago, Nicholas could have had that kind of environment.
Lord, I've been so wrong. How do I fix this?

“You okay?”

She brushed her hand across her wet cheek. “It's the onion.”
It's me. I messed up.

The chatter from the living room died down. The bang of the front door—more than once—echoed through the house.