Heart (4 page)

I didn’t know what I expected when I decided
to come here, but I knew for certain that I wasn’t prepared for
this. My body jerked alive with feelings I had denied myself for
months. My skin pebbled with goose bumps and my heart took off in a
sprint.

I tried to regulate my breathing as I skirted
the outside of the crowd, hoping nobody noticed me. I kept my head
down, but attempted to discreetly check out the tightly-packed
people filling up the place.

I wondered if Exie or Sloane would be here.
Or Kenna?

Or did Nix already know I’d arrived in the
city? Had he already sent his goons after me?

Or would he come himself?

I shook my head, trying to clear it. I just
wanted to see Ryder. I just wanted to make sure that he was all
right.

I could hear him as he sung out his clever
lyrics in that gravelly, smoky voice of his. I had to close my eyes
for a brief second as I let it sink into me.

They had gotten better as a band over the
months I’d been away. They sounded really good. I glanced up at the
stage, looking everywhere but at the lead singer. I wanted to check
out who else was there, but I wasn’t ready to look at him yet.

Hudson, Cole and Hayden were there in their
old places and Phoenix was banging it out on the drums. There was a
new guy on the keyboard and my heart stuttered at the sight of him.
The petty part of me was just happy they hadn’t replaced me with
another girl.

Once I reached the back of the crowd, I
finally let myself look at him.

I lifted my eyes to that center position on
stage and for a minute I couldn’t think, I couldn’t even figure out
what was happening in my brain.

I just stared at him. I just let myself take
him in and adjust to his presence.

Ryder Sutton.

His hair was a wild mess on top of his head,
dark, tangled and perfect. I gave myself permission to absorb his
face for as long as I wanted. He was gorgeous. Beyond gorgeous. His
crooked nose and chiseled jaw were just like I remembered them,
only so much better because they were real and in front of me.

I had spent too much time while I was away
just trying to remember everything about him perfectly. I could
never do him justice though. The memories of his face would blur or
I was convinced I had exaggerated some favorite feature.

But standing here, finally looking at him
again, my stomach fluttered with nerves and something deeper.

His eyes were closed as he performed with his
guitar across his chiseled chest. His black t-shirt hugged defined
biceps and ended at tapered dark khakis that looked so
boy-in-a-band I smiled. His studded belt and bared tattoos
completed his bad boy look.

God, he was so at home on stage. So
alive
.

My chest burned as I remembered that he had
loved me once. I had somehow been the lone recipient of this boy’s
intense love and affection. He had gifted me with all of the best
of him.

And then I had left him.

I knew I didn’t deserve to seek him out
again. I shouldn’t get to be in the same room as him or reopen his
life to the drama of mine, but being here reawakened something
inside of me. My chest swelled to the music he created, to the
words he wrote. My heart continued to beat as rapidly as it could
and I felt more filled with life than I had in such a long
time.

Unexpected tears pushed at my lashes and
threatened to spill over. I left him to protect him, but I had
sacrificed everything of myself to do it.

I couldn’t forgive myself for that. I
couldn’t forgive myself for giving him up.

Even if it had meant freedom.

I sucked in a breath as if I knew I would
need it and braced myself for the impact of Ryder’s attention.

He opened his eyes and his gaze swept over
the crowd gathered for him. His brow scrunched together and his
shoulders tensed even while he finished up his song. And then he
found me.

His eyes bulged with surprise and his fingers
slammed on the fret of his guitar, ruining the sweet ending that
had been drifting around the room. His head jerked back from the
microphone and he stared at me for a long time.

Too long.

The tension in the room skyrocketed as his
attention stayed focused on me. His Adam’s apple bobbed tellingly
and I could feel his furious emotions saturate the room.

My heart stopped. My breathing stopped. My
thoughts stopped. Even time stopped. And it was just the two of us.
The rest of the world faded away and I was left transfixed by
Ryder’s unwavering concentration and those gunmetal gray eyes that
held me so captive.

The curiosity of the impatient crowd broke
through my haze as people started to turn around and try to figure
out what had distracted their lead singer. I felt more eyes on me
when Ryder’s bandmates noticed me too and reacted almost as
strongly as Ryder had.

Ryder must have noticed the aggravated edge
to his fans. He snapped back in place and shifted the guitar strap
across his back roughly. He cleared his throat into the mic and
then again as I watched him visibly attempt to pull himself
together. He was fighting a battle that I had caused and I realized
how bad of an idea this had turned out to be.

I had been selfish wanting to watch him play
and hear the band again. But I should have waited until the show
was over. It wasn’t fair for him.

I had been mesmerized by his singing voice,
but when he spoke into the microphone and it was the voice I had
known so intimately, had loved so fiercely, I nearly dissolved.

“I’m going to change up our set a bit,” he
laughed, but it sounded bitter. Over his shoulder he told his
bandmates, “Sorry, guys. I, uh, I’m going to take some creative
liberty.”

They all shrugged their shoulders and mumbled
that it was fine.

Ryder went on, “The next song I was going to
play is called,
The Siren’s Soul
. It was a love song that I
wrote a year ago and if I’m honest, it’s one of my best. But, yeah,
I’m just not feeling it anymore. So instead, I’m going to play you
another one we’ve been working on called,
Aftermath
. It’s
more appropriate for tonight.” He strummed his guitar a second and
looked back at the drums. “Bates?”

Phoenix counted the band off with a, “One,
two, three,” and they played
Aftermath
.

If I didn’t think Ryder’s introduction of the
song had been a strong enough message, the lyrics definitely took a
turn for the Loud and Clear.

In a bluesy, melancholy voice that still
managed to be funky, Ryder sang about black hearts and black souls.
How love isn’t a feeling, it’s an infection. He sang about the lies
of the body and the sins of the mouth. He sang about a girl that
had promised love and delivered pain. She’d sworn happiness and
sentenced death. She made him fall in love with her, and then she
took her black heart and disappeared. She wasn’t supposed to kill
him, but he was cursed from the moment he met her. Then he hit me
with the chorus.

The aftermath of loving you is not love at
all.

Your black soul bled all over mine.

Your black heart turned mine to stone.

The aftermath of loving you is nothing but
pain I want to fade away.

Ouch.

I rubbed my thumb over the black heart
tattooed on my wrist in a subconscious attempt to wipe it off. It
didn’t work. The ink was as permanent as the black heart in my
chest that it represented.

Ryder’s song affirmed it.

The crowd went wild over the song. They loved
every bit of his angsty rock and roll ballad. I stood in the back
and tried to pick up the pieces of the secret hope I hadn’t even
known I’d been holding onto.

I had been stupid to come here, stupid to
think that I needed to check on Ryder.

Obviously he was fine. And now that I had
really forced myself to think about it, he could take care of
himself.

I had never let myself truly dwell on what
had happened between Ryder and Nix before Ryder ended up in the
hospital until now. I hadn’t wanted to remember the agony of
leaving Ryder. How impossible it had been to abandon him while he’d
been in the hospital barely recovering from the most intense fight
of his life.

But now that I thought about it, Ryder, for
reasons still not explained to me, had almost put
Nix
in the
hospital.

I was sure that whatever supernatural power
he’d used a year ago could keep Nix and his goons away from him
today.

Why had I convinced myself I needed to be
here
?

Oh, god. I was such an idiot!

Ryder ended that song and moved onto the
next. This time his eyes never drifted my direction. He never
turned his focus to me again. His words rang out into the air and
wrapped around my heart like a wire barb.

I couldn’t do this.

I had to get out of here.

I would fly straight back to Tortola and I
would never leave the island again.
Never
. I would spend the
rest of my life as a waitress in Fleur’s café. And spend all of my
other time with my feet in the ocean. I didn’t care about Olympus
or the war between gods or my mother or Ryder or Honor or
anybody.

Okay, some of that was a lie.

But the important thing was just getting
home.
Now
.

I pushed through people that had filtered in
behind me and practically ran for the door. I couldn’t get out of
there fast enough. Tears wet my cheeks and my breathing stuck in my
throat.

“Ivy?”

I jumped back just as someone stepped in my
path. Cute, turquoise wedge sandals blurred in front of me. I
blinked back tears to find the sandals belonged to tanned legs,
white shorts and a bright orange flowy tank top.

Kenna Lee.

“Ivy, are you all right?” she asked in a
gentled voice.

I wiped a rogue tear away with the back of my
hand and nodded. “I’m fine,” I lied.

“I knew you were here the second I heard that
song,” she told me over the loud music. I wished she wouldn’t shout
those damning words. “I’ve heard them practice it. I just didn’t
think they would ever play it live.”

I shrugged. “I mean… it might not even be
about me.”

I looked away from her incredulous
expression. Okay, obviously it was about me.

“Do you want to go to the bathroom?” she
asked. “We usually do this in there.”

I found myself smiling. “It’s good to see
you.”

“It’s good to see you too,” she replied and
she sounded sincere. I finally found the courage to meet her
probing gaze. “You just disappeared. Nobody knew where you went and
Ryder… Well, you heard the song. He didn’t take it very well. I
don’t know if you heard or not, but he was in an accident. He was
in the hospital for a while. It was kind of touch and go for a bit
and-”

“I heard,” I assured her.

Which turned out to be a mistake.

Her sympathetic expression flashed with
accusation. “You knew he was in the hospital and you didn’t come
back?”

I cleared my throat and tried as best as I
could to hold my shattering heart together. “I, uh, I thought it
would be better if I stayed away.”

“Did you even ask Ryder what he wanted? I
mean, Ivy, he was really broken up about you leaving. He missed a
ton of school and Hayden told me he was thinking about hiring a
private detective to find you. Ryder was out of his mind when you
left. I mean… even now, I don’t know if he’s any better, but he did
manage to graduate, by like the skin of his teeth.”

Each word hit me like a physical blow. I just
wanted her to shut up and let me escape. I couldn’t take this
anymore.

I left to protect him.

I did what was best for
him
!

“Kenna, I have to go,” I croaked. The tears
had started falling again and I knew this time I couldn’t stop
them.

“You’re leaving
again
?” She glanced
back at the stage where Ryder was just starting another song.
“Shouldn’t you at least stick around and try to talk to him?”

“I don’t think he wants to hear anything I
have to say.”

“You’re wrong,” she told me and the empathy
had returned to her voice. “Don’t leave him again, Ivy. Don’t
run.”

“I’ll find him later,” I lied. “I’m in town
now. I’m back.” More lies. “This is just a really bad time for him.
I should have realized that before I showed up unannounced.”

She nodded slowly, not looking like she
believed me at all.

“Bye,” I called to her as I started moving
toward the door again. “I’ll talk to you later!”

I didn’t wait for her reply; I shoved through
the doors to the outside and gasped in fresh air. I stumbled to the
side of the building and rested a minute to catch my breath. I
dropped my hands to my knees and closed my eyes. I felt a panic
attack building inside of me, but I didn’t have time for that
now.

I had to get out of here.

I had to-

The doors slammed open again and his presence
crashed into me, sinking into my skin, tuning every one of my
senses and thoughts and feelings into him.

“You’re leaving again?” he demanded in that
rough voice.

I slowly pulled myself into standing but kept
my back against the wall. I forced myself to look at him, to face
him head on.

I could smell his coconut oil shampoo and I
had to stomp on the urge to cry.

In the low light of the day, he was even more
beautiful. His silver eyes flashed with emotion so strong I could
taste the bitter residue on my tongue. His guitar was slung around
his back and his fists balled at his sides.

He was furious.

And I was a mess.

I didn’t know what to say to him. I couldn’t
bring myself to confirm his accusation or lie to him. I just wanted
to disappear.

“You’ve got a lot of balls just showing up
again,” he growled. “You could have warned me you would be here or
that you were coming back or hell, Ivy, you could have warned me
that you were still alive. Do you know-” His voice broke and he ran
his hands over his face while he tried to compose himself. “Do you
know what I’ve imagined happened to you? Do you know what it’s been
like not knowing?”