Hearsay (26 page)

Derrick took another deep breath.

Yeah… he still loved Roman Bradford with all his heart, but he could've kicked his irresponsible ass right about now.

Never in a million years could Derrick have imagined he'd find himself in this situation. As a gay man with a phobia of chronic illnesses, safe sex was practically his religion. He worshipped condoms like they were gods and had never, ever, had anal intercourse without protection. Shit, Derrick had only twice even let a man blow him without a condom. One of those two times was the night before with Roman, and that only because he'd instinctively trusted Roman to protect him.

Contracting an STD would be a nightmare, but, HIV? Now,
that
was the fucking monster under Derrick's bed.

Why weren't you safe?
he mentally yelled at Roman.
How could you let James do this to you? To us?

Derrick squeezed his eyes shut and covered his mouth with his hand. He couldn't lose his shit. He couldn't act like Roman had gone out and gotten himself sick on purpose. He'd been in a long term relationship with James, so ditching the condoms wasn't exactly the most irresponsible thing to do. Hell,
he
had planned on ditching the condoms himself when he finally settled down with the love of his life, so he had no business passing judgment over Roman's decisions. He knew all that, but he was upset about Roman's actions nevertheless. He could be such a selfish prick sometimes he made himself barf. Better get a hold on that, and fast. Derrick didn't want Roman to see how much of an asshole he could be.

Then again, Roman already knew, didn't he? That's why he'd stayed away. He'd taken to heart what Derrick had said about not knowing if he could watch a loved one waste away and decided to remove himself from Derrick's life. Doing something like that took the kind of courage and strength Derrick hadn't been sure he himself had… the kind of selfless love only genuinely honorable people were capable of.

Yes, he was in love with Roman Bradford. More than he ever thought he could be. But Derrick was also pissed off and feeling resentful… ashamed of his own words and behavior. Worried about Roman and scared out of his mind. There was no hiding that.

So how does a man deal with something like this?
he asked himself.
Is there some kind of ten-step program to help us adapt?
 

HIV wasn't the end of the world. Not anymore. Some people lived decades without getting seriously ill after being diagnosed. But being positive was a game-changer, and Roman was detectable, which translated into highly contagious. They'd have to be so careful all the time, and the virus would always be in the back of their minds.

What if they couldn't handle that, though? What if the knowledge put a damper on their sexual life? What if Derrick was too afraid to make love? What if Roman was too scared of getting Derrick sick to even touch him? What if they couldn't deal with the pressure of it all and ended up hating one another? Should they get help? See a therapist? Would they be better off not trying at all?

Derrick snorted.
 

"You sound like you're having second thoughts about being with him."

"It's okay if you are," Roman said.

Shit!

Derrick opened his eyes slowly, struggling to keep his emotions from showing on his face. "I didn't realize I was thinking out loud," he explained.

Roman nodded. "I know..." His Adam's apple bobbed, and he rolled onto his back. "It really is understandable if you've changed your mind. I expected… I knew this could be a deal breaker."
 

Derrick removed his hand from his mouth and whispered, "I'm
so
sorry for—"

"You don't have to say anything." Roman's voice cracked, but he glanced at Derrick and offered a reassuring smile. "I really do understand."

Derrick could see in his eyes that he truly understood, even if he was mistaken about the reason behind Derrick's need to apologize. He was… calm. As if he'd been prepared to be rejected. And why wouldn't he be ready for that? Roman was a smart, intuitive man who had no problem reading between the lines. He'd known Derrick would have a hard time seeing past his fears and carefully crafted plans, and Roman had most likely thought it'd be over between them the second he let his secret out.

"What time is it?" Roman asked in a voice so falsely cheerful, Derrick almost laughed.

"It's eleven-thirty," Derrick informed him without looking at the clock.

He could hear the wheels turning in Roman's head. He could see his muscles tensing up and also the exact moment his poker face fell into place. His body was still in Derrick's bed, but his mind had left the room.

"Shit, I overslept. I'm supposed to meet some friends for brunch in two hours. Thank you so much for coming with me to the gala. I had a great time, and I hope you did, too. So, listen… this coming week will be a busy one for me. I don't think I'll have time to meet on the Coleman case, but I'll keep you posted on it." Roman stretched his arms in front of him and rolled his shoulders. "I need to go home and get changed, plus I need to take my meds." He cleared his throat, plastered a smile on his face, and found Derrick's gaze before he said, "You don't need to get up. I can show myself out. Just… enjoy your Sunday, okay?"

Watching Roman cry his eyes out after disclosing his status to Derrick had been heart wrenching, yet that was a walk in the park compared to seeing the expression in his eyes when he finished talking.

He put up a good front, but the confident man Derrick had met years ago was gone.
 

He looked broken. Lost. Totally without hope.

Derrick's nose twitched. His lower lip trembled. He tried his best, but, in the end, he was incapable of suppressing his pain. "Oh, sweetheart," he sobbed, throwing his arm and leg over Roman's body and burying his wet face into Roman's naked chest. "I am so, so sorry this happened to you."

"Please, don't do this," Roman begged, trying to push him away.

Derrick tightened his grip on Roman's waist. No way was he letting him out of bed. "You need to let me apologize to you," he said when he was able to talk. He lifted his head and looked at Roman, not giving a shit he probably looked a mess. Puffy, red eyes and a snotty nose were nothing to worry about when your future was on the line.

"It isn't necessary," Roman said, looking away.

"Oh, but it really is, so stop assuming I'm going to dump your ass and let me talk." Derrick used his arm and leg to pull at Roman until he relented and turned on his side. Once they were facing each other, Derrick started what he intended to be not a justification, but an explanation for his behavior. "Did I ever tell you Mama loved to read to us kids?"

Roman frowned and shook his head.

He was still all kinds of tense.

"Well, she did. She couldn't leave the house much, but every night she'd sit in the living room and read a chapter from her current book to us." Derrick smiled at the memory as he used his fingers to thread random patterns on Roman's chest hair. "She liked Hitchcock, Christie, Poe, Hemingway, Austen, Brontë...
Horace was one of her favorite poets. I was only eleven when she passed away, but I still noticed that, by the end, she was reading
The Odes
almost every day. Not the whole thing, just
Carpe Diem
. I asked her why one time, and she told me she wanted us kids to not only memorize the poem, but to live by it."

"Did you memorize it?" Roman whispered, his eyes softening and his shoulders relaxing.

"I sure did." Derrick moved closer to Roman, smiling in relief when Roman sneaked his knee between his legs. "
Ask not what end the gods have set for you, for me; nor attempt the Babylonian reckonings. How much better to endure whatever comes, whether Jupiter grants us additional winters or whether this is our last, which now wears out the Tyrrhenian Sea upon the barrier of the cliffs. Be wise, strain the wine, and since life is brief, prune back far-reaching hopes. Even while we speak, envious time has passed: pluck the day, putting as little trust as possible in tomorrow."
 

"Seize the day," Roman summarized, pressing his forehead to Derrick's. "It's not a bad philosophy."

"I'm pretty sure that's what she wanted us to do. Seize the day. Be happy and grateful for what little we had instead of resentful for everything we lacked." Derrick exhaled and wiped his eyes. "I found the poem rather… fatalistic.
Ask not what end the gods have set for you…"
he quoted.
"My mama was ill. Whenever she read that line, it sounded like she was resigned to die and couldn't be bothered to fight for her life. Now remember, I was only eleven at the time. Things were black and white back then, and I had yet to accept some conditions can't be cured. It was unfair to think that way, but, yes, it sounded to me like she had accepted her destiny, and that was, in my opinion, an extremely selfish act. I wanted her to tell the gods to go fuck themselves and to get better for her and for us. I didn't want to hear Papa crying for her anymore… I didn't want to go to bed every night wondering if she'd still be alive when I woke up."

Roman pecked him on the lips and hugged him tight. "I am so sorry you had to go through that," he said softly against Derrick's lips.

Roman's gentleness almost prompted another sob fest, but this time Derrick was able to control himself. "The line about limiting far-reaching hope?" he continued saying in a trembling voice. "That one chafed me in the worst way. I thought it meant it was better to settle, and I needed to believe I could have more. I wanted better. I wanted… everything. Good health, financial stability, a loving partner, kids… I needed hope in my life. I needed to believe I could have it all if I only planned well enough." Derrick wiped his nose with his hand, then he wiped his hand on his sleep pants. "Mama wanted me to seize the day. I chose to seize opportunities and have total control of my destiny. The gods would have absolutely no say in it. I was set on doing everything in my power to ensure my life wasn't brief or spent with someone I perceived as not strong enough to do the same. I had a plan, you understand, and I believed sticking to it would protect my heart. Hell, I was so focused on achieving my goals, I didn't realize I was stuck in my extremely naïve interpretation of
Carpe Diem
. I hid behind it, Roman… I was so stupid, thinking I could control everything and making decisions based on hypothetical scenarios… I'm so ashamed of myself. I saved money, reached most of my goals, but, when it comes to matters of the heart, I've been nothing but a fucking coward my entire life."

"Hey, don't say that," Roman ordered softly, sliding his hand up and down Derrick's back. "Watching your mom lose her battle to lupus wasn't hypothetical. You saw her waste away. Wanting to avoid situations that you know could be hazardous to your emotional health doesn't make you a coward. It's perfectly understandable. I did the same when I found out I was HIV-positive. I chose to avoid you rather than tell you the truth, all because I didn't want to get rejected and hurt."

"Was that the only reason?" Derrick lowered his eyes and bit the inside of his cheek. "A year ago, I told you I doubted my ability to be strong for the man I love." He wiped his eyes before seeking Roman's gaze. "The way I see it, you knew I was in love with you. That's why you took matters into your own hands, spared me the bad news, and spent all this time being strong for the both of us."

"I'm not that altruistic," Roman rasped, but Derrick knew he'd hit the nail on the head.

"Sure you aren't," he teased, kissing Roman softly on the lips. "You're an incredible person. I know caring for a sick partner wouldn't have been an issue for you." Derrick shrugged. "I could try to save face here by saying you didn't give me the opportunity to choose, or that I would've been there for you in some capacity given the chance, but I won't say that. I don't want secrets or lies between us, and I really don't know what I would've done."

"And here I was thinking honesty's a good thing," Roman grumbled.

Derrick grinned. Pouty Roman was the cutest thing.

"I noticed you were losing weight, but that wasn't all. There was… despair, in your eyes the few times I saw you close enough. Your powerful presence was muted. I remember thinking you looked like a shadow of yourself." He traced Roman's nose with his index finger and looked deeply into his eyes. "There were rumors about you being on some treatment or another, and you took time off from work. You hardly ever take time off. I should've added things up... I should've known."

"Is that what you wanted to apologize for?" Roman slid his hand away from Derrick's back. "Not noticing sooner that I've been messed up?" He flashed a self-deprecating smile. "I admit, I'm appalled you noticed anything at all. I thought I was better at concealing my thoughts."
 

"I wanted to apologize for what I did last night," Derrick said quietly, holding Roman's hand between his own.

"Which part are you talking about? The one where you told me I'd always be your prince?" He tried to get up from the bed, but Derrick hooked his leg around Roman's hip. "Do you mind?" Roman snapped. "I need to go home."

"I'm talking about the part where I didn't let you talk, even though I could see you needed to," Derrick clarified. "I was only thinking about myself." He could feel his cheeks heating up from embarrassment, but he didn't stop explaining himself. "I asked you for a break on Friday and you gave me a night to remember. I agreed to give you a break until Monday, but then went back on my word when I decided
I
needed to know what was going on once and for all. Then, when you finally told me, I decided I couldn't deal with anything else, so I talked you into eating ice cream and watching a movie when we should've been talking about things. That was wrong of me."

"Apology accepted." Roman tried to retrieve his hand, then glared at Derrick when he refused to let go of it. Roman studied him intently for a few seconds before asking in a hoarse voice, "Why won't you let me go?"

"Because I'm done being a coward… because I finally get the real meaning of
Carpe Diem,
and I want to seize the day… because your mom's quote is genius…" Derrick smiled and kissed the back of Roman's hand. "
Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage...
truer words have never been spoken." He took a deep, cleansing breath. "I'm fucking scared, babe. I'm scared for you, for me… I'm devastated that you're sick. I can't deny this isn't what I envisioned for myself. But that's not going to drive me away. I'm willing to get educated about HIV and get professional help to get us through this phase. I think we both need to… I don't know… adjust? Is that the correct word? The thing is, seeing a therapist is a good course of action. It's a good plan. I like plans. I need to have a plan."