Healing Rain (21 page)

 

 

Aiden sounded really surprised to hear from me. “Um, sure. Well, where? I mean, where do you want to go?” he stammered.

“I don't care. Somewhere close to my apartment, if possible, since I don't have a car and it's getting dark,” I said. I didn't want to be demanding or selfish, considering the difficult talk that was coming plus the remembrance of how selfish I had already been with him, but I really didn't want to walk all over town in the dark.

“Oh, sure. Actually, I'm on my way home from Steve's house right now. How about if I just swing by?” he asked. It hurt my heart to hear a little excitement in his voice.

“That sounds great,” I told him. “How far away are you?”

“Just a couple of minutes,” he said. “See you in a bit.”

I hung up and immediately walked into the living room. “Aiden is coming over to talk. I'm going outside to meet him,” I told Mom without stopping to look at her.

“Hey, Rain, wait!” she called. “You can talk inside if you want to. We'll leave you alone.”

“No thanks,” I told her. Our apartment was way too small and the walls were all too thin. We needed some privacy.

I was only outside for a minute at the most before I saw The Dreamboat pulling into our parking lot. I tried to maintain a calm and collected appearance as I nervously approached him.

He turned off the car and got out slowly. “Hey. You wanna get in the car?” he asked, giving me a strange look.

“No,” I said with a small voice. “I just didn't want to talk inside the apartment. Too many ears.”

He laughed. “Okay. Look, about earlier…”

I cut him off. “Sorry to interrupt, but can I talk first? I have some things to say and I need to do it right away.”

“Sure,” he said, putting his hands up. “Ladies first.”

I took a really deep breath and exhaled slowly. “Okay. First of all, I want to say that I'm sorry. I haven't been a very good friend to you.”

“Rain, I…” he started to interrupt, but I stopped him.

“Please let me finish. I didn't treat you fairly. I shouldn't have been so weird and private with our relationship, but I want to try to explain what was wrong. You have become one of my favorite people, and you deserve to know the truth, even though it's going to be a little personal and possibly more than you ever wanted to know about me.”

He laughed. “Okay. Go ahead.”

“Okay. As you know, the reason we moved here is because my dad died. The truth is, he committed suicide. Well, that's not entirely the reason we moved here; we were thinking about moving after the suicide, but then I did something that made the final decision for my mom. One night I took too many sleeping pills, and I OD'd. That put the nail on the coffin for us staying in St. Louis. Anyway, because of that little stunt I pulled, I now have to go to therapy twice a week so they can make sure I'm not gonna, like, become all depressed and do something stupid. So, I am actually really liking my therapist and we were having a conversation about how I wasn't sure if I wanted to get back into cheerleading and softball and all that because I wasn't sure if I wanted to be the same person I used to be, and long story short, she encouraged me to pursue some other interests that would make me happy, and playing guitar was one of them. I had always wanted to learn, and this seemed like a great opportunity. But don't think I, like, used you or something just because my therapist told me to. I really did want to take lessons from you. I didn't tell Ethan because…well, I don't know why I didn't tell Ethan. I guess it was because I didn't want him to be involved; I wanted it to be for me. And it was a bonus that you got to be the one that gave me the lessons, because I really like hanging out with you.”

I paused, studying his face as he absorbed it all. He looked down at the ground, the crease in his forehead deepening.

And that's when it hit me. As I stared at him, another realization set in and I had to say it out loud as well. “And another thing – before my dad died, my faith in God was unshakable. Or so I thought. After everything that happened, I thought I didn't believe anymore. Now I know that you were meant to come into my life to change that. I was so angry with God for letting my family fall apart this way. I blamed Him for what happened and turned against Him instead of turning to Him like I should have.” I stopped, smiling a little as tears filled my eyes. “I wasn't listening to everything I already knew about God's love and healing, so He reached out to me through you, Aiden. That first guitar lesson – the song we sang together and what you said to me after, about God not giving up on me – it just stuck with me. I tried to ignore it, but it just kept popping back up in my mind and I can't ignore it anymore. I've messed up pretty big lately, but my biggest mistake was messing up my relationship with God. I'm going to fix that now.” After the words finished tumbling out, I had to stop and catch my breath. I looked back up into Aiden's eyes to see tears forming in the corners.

“Wow, Rain. I hate that you had to go through all that, but I'm so glad to hear that last part. It's hard to believe that God could use someone like me to bring someone back to Him. It's exciting and humbling all at the same time. I'm so happy to hear that you're finding your faith again.”

“Me too,” I said. “I didn't call you over here to talk about that – I actually just kind of figured that out right now.”

“Well, I'm glad you did. And my offer still stands about coming to church with me; you're welcome anytime. Maybe we can forget all this craziness and go back to being friends while you focus on restoring your faith.”

“I'd like that,” I said. “Going to church with you, and being friends. Thank you for being so forgiving for all of this. I was so afraid I was going to lose you.”

“You will never lose me,” he assured me quickly. “But I do have a question: Why didn't you tell me about your dad and all that before?”

I sighed. “It's…embarrassing. I kind of lost all my old friends over it at my old school, and I didn't want everyone to think I was a freak, or worse – that I was looking for sympathy or something.”

He nodded. “Okay. Can I be honest with you?”

I blinked. “Sure,” I said cautiously.

“I still believe what I said earlier, about you not being the cheerleader type. Are you sure you really want to get back into it, or are you just doing it because you're used to it and your friends do it?”

“I wondered the same thing for a while,” I admitted. “I went back and forth on whether or not I was going to try out. But, I realized that cheering was something I actually enjoyed doing, and I miss it. I'm sure I want to do it.”

I realized silently that even though Aiden knew me better than Ethan in some ways, he also didn't know me at all in other ways. Just as I had hidden the music from Ethan, I had hidden the cheerleading from Aiden because I thought he would disapprove. What was wrong with me? Suddenly, I was overwhelmed by the feeling that I was never truly myself around anyone – I changed myself to fit the situation I was in. I had a lot of work to do, but it was so comforting to know that I wouldn't be doing it alone now; God would be in control again.

“Well if it makes you happy, I'll be rooting for you to make the squad. Hey, one more thing…I'm so glad you want to come to church with us, but what will Ethan think about it?”

“He won't mind,” I started, but then winced. “Well, I'm going to work on that. Actually, he kind of knows about the kiss. Turns out we had a witness.” I really didn't feel like explaining how I had actually been the one who told him.

Aiden looked up at the sky and shook his head. “Great. Is he gonna jump me or something?”

“No,” I said quickly. “I'm the one he's mad at. But I'm going to fix it. Don't worry.”

“All right,” Aiden replied, but he didn't sound convinced. “Well, I'm so glad we talked tonight, Rain. I want you to know that I'll be here for you, whatever you need. I'll let you go in; it's getting late.”

“Okay,” I agreed. “Thanks, Aiden. I'll see you tomorrow at school?”

“Yep,” he replied with a smile as he turned to get back in his car.

“Hey,” I said before he could leave, “we need to make up that guitar lesson!”

He laughed. “Soon. I think you've got some things to straighten out first. Then we'll talk about that lesson.”

“You're probably right,” I said, but I was relieved to hear that he was still going to teach me. “I can't thank you enough for all you've done for me.”

He put his hands up and shook his head. “Don't give me the credit,” he said softly, looking up at the sky with a smile. “Bye, Rain.”

“Bye,” I replied as he got into his car. I stood in the parking lot and watched him drive away before I raced back inside.

My mom was waiting at the kitchen table when I walked through the door. “How did it go?” she asked anxiously.

“Amazingly well,” I gushed. “I'm rededicating my life to God.”

Mom's eyes registered many things all at once – surprise and confusion immediately followed by overwhelming happiness. “What? Rain, that's incredible! Where did that come from? I thought you were talking to Aiden…”

“I was, Mom. It's a long story. I'll tell you all about it soon, I promise, but right now I need to go talk to Ethan.”

“You're gonna go there now?” she asked as she looked at the clock. “It's getting a little late, don't you think?”

“Mom, I have to,” I pleaded. “I can't go to sleep tonight without resolving this.”

She stared at me for a moment, and then sighed. “Oh, all right. But take the car. I don't want you walking this late at night.”

I ran over to her and gave her a quick kiss on the cheek. “Thanks, Mom.” I grabbed the keys off the kitchen counter and bolted out the door before she could change her mind.

I rehearsed my speech the whole way to Ethan's. My stomach churned at the thought of telling him about my dad and especially the pill episode; I was much more nervous to tell him about that than I had been to tell Aiden. The last thing I wanted was to admit that I had lied to him about one more thing since I had already stupidly told him that my dad died in a car wreck.

Luckily, the gate that led into his driveway was unlocked; the idea of pushing the intercom terrified me because I was afraid he wouldn't let me in. I parked in front of his house and focused only on breathing as I walked slowly up the steps to his front door and knocked.

His mother came to the door in her nightgown. “Rain!” she said, sounding surprised by still pleasant. “How are you? Come on in!”

I hesitated. Obviously he had not told his parents about our dispute. “I'm sorry to bother you so late, Mrs. Collins. I just wanted to talk to Ethan, if that's okay.”

“Of course it is, honey. Come on in and have a seat and I'll go get him,” she said warmly. Even wearing pajamas and no makeup, she was still absolutely gorgeous. She floated out of the living room, and I was left alone on the couch.

I'm not sure how long I sat on the couch before Ethan finally came into the room. It felt like a lifetime. In fact, I had convinced myself that he was not going to come in and was considering getting up to leave when he appeared in the doorway. He did not look as pleased to see me as his mother had been.

“Hi, Ethan,” I said, trying to be bold and make eye contact, but he didn't look up. “Can we talk?”

He didn't respond.

“Ethan, please. I want to explain some things to you.”

Still no response. He kept his head firmly focused on a picture hanging on the wall rather than on me. Clearly, he wasn't speaking to me, but he also wasn't leaving the room. I decided that was my cue to start talking.

“All right. You may not want to hear this, and I don't blame you. But I owe this to you, so here it goes.” I launched into basically the same speech I had given Aiden, only I did not leave out one detail of the story. I explained why we moved, including the information about walking in my house to find my dad and the disastrous financial situation. I told him all about my overdose and Dr. Hope. I explained my struggle to figure out who I was, and even included the realization that I had had during my talk with Aiden – that I really wasn't being my true self around anyone. I went on to explain about Aiden and how I had obviously sent him mixed signals, and ended with my reconnection with God and my faith.

Once I had told him the whole story – leaving nothing out and clarifying all the lies I had told – I concluded. “So, basically, I'm really screwed up. I'm getting better every day, but I'm still really screwed up. I realize this probably changes all your feelings for me because I'm a total basket case. But you needed to know that I
am
a basket case, since you said you were starting to fall in love with me. It's only fair that you know who you're falling in love with. And I know I didn't say this earlier because I was caught off guard, but I love you, too. I know I don't deserve you, but I wanted you to know that. The thought of losing you terrifies me. I'm going to take a step back and focus on fixing my relationship with God, first and foremost, and I'm going to let Him work in my life to help me get past all these issues. I'd love it if you would be part of this journey with me.”

With that, a huge weight lifted off my chest. It felt good to finally be honest with him, even though I wasn't sure how he would react. I waited patiently for him to respond in some way, just as I had with Aiden, but his reaction took much longer to get. I finally had to speak after such a long silence. “Ethan, please say something.”

He didn't look at me, but kept his focus on the picture. “I don't know what to say.”

“Say what's on your mind,” I forced out over the lump that formed in my throat.