Haze (36 page)

Either the decimal point was in the wrong place, or
I was fucked.
I knew it was the latter.

I definitely didn't have enough for both rent and even the cheapest prepaid phone. Where had all my money gone? I had gotten so wrapped up in Jack's spendthrift
mentality that I had blown way more money than I had intended on coffee and lunches.

For the first and probably only time ever, I was enraged at myself for putting my graduation money toward my student loans instead of creating an emergency fund for a time like this. I guess it had seemed like it was the right thing to do given my desire to be responsible.

However, that money would have totally saved my ass right now.

My pillow absorbed the majority of my tears as I sobbed my heart out, regretting almost everything that I had done in the past few months. It hurt to fail at being an adult, to accept additional responsibilities and keep your act together. Why didn't I want anyone to help me? What made
doing everything by yourself
so damn appealing?

I had told my parents I didn't want them to pay my cell phone bill anymore, even though they wanted to keep me on the family plan after I left for NYC. I was really regretting that decision now. Should I pay the rent and cripple my ability to communicate? Try to work something out with the landlord?

Well, as long as it didn't involve sleeping with him or something, it couldn't hurt to try, could it?

The rest of the day passed by in a haze. I felt delirious, like I was sick with the flu, minus any real symptoms. The world was hard to perceive and understand as it stood.

I came to a couple of conclusions as the day dragged on, night rapidly overwhelming the city. No, I wasn't ready to ask Jack for help, especially not since I had temporarily broken things off with him in an attempt to assert my dominance as a functioning, productive, working member of society. I didn't want to be wishy-washy.

I didn't want to tell Jesse about it either. He didn't need any additional stress from me, especially not when my poor decisions could negatively affect his living situation. I had to do whatever it took to ensure that my
fuck up
stayed as far away from him as possible.

The burden would have to fall on my parents. I couldn't subject anyone else to it. They had already witnessed me at my most humble more than one time in my life. I would probably be scolded, but I guess a verbal lashing would be better than being homeless and penniless.

As I prepared to attempt to dial my mom's number, Jesse knocked on my door. "Hey, Effie. Do you want me to deliver the checks tomorrow?" He talked through the wood, and I was okay with that.

Fuck.

"Uh. You don't have to," I said. "You always do it, so I guess it's my turn."

He opened the door and stuck his head in. "Effie, it's really no problem. I know the landlord well. He's super nice."

I gulped, hoping that it wasn't too apparent that I had been sobbing. I needed an excuse. "I don't know where my checkbook is right now and I wanna finish this movie first. Just let me take the checks to him, okay?"

He looked at my buried position on the bed, my whole body under the blankets, my laptop sitting on my chest. "Yeah, okay. Just don't forget!" he said.

"Yeah, yeah, Jesse. I won't." Little did he know, rent was essentially the only fucking thing I could think about, even with the movie blasting from my speakers.

He went back to his room after that and my heart rate slowed to normal.
Dammit, I wasn't going to be able to call my mom tonight. Today had been rough enough to me already. I would call her tomorrow—if I could physically bring myself to do it.

I really wanted to think about Jack. Every moment that I spent thinking about him calmed me, brought me back to that place where everything seemed to effortless and obvious. And then, I'd return to the very painful fact that I didn't have a plan for myself.

Back and forth, all night long.

***

The next morning I awoke covered in sweat, my dreams having been nothing but nightmares. My plan for the day involved calling my mother and begging for both help and forgiveness. I wasn't going to tell her that I lost my job, just that I had overspent like an idiot and needed money until my next paycheck. I couldn't even start to explain to her why I had lost my job.

I couldn't even imagine how badly that would have gone.

Yeah, mom, I lost my job because I got fixated on this hot guy who I've only known for about a month who’s been perfect to me who happened to be a potential client at the record label. I definitely used my best judgment, I swear. You gotta believe me!

After I got her approval—I was convinced I could pull this off; that didn't make it something I was looking forward to, however—I would write my check and take the checks to the landlord and ask him not to cash it for a couple of days. Shouldn't be a problem at all, and it would give me some breathing room.

I paced around the apartment for most of the morning, making myself some eggs and more shitty coffee instead of calling. By the time I actually picked up the phone to even attempt the deed, it was mid-afternoon.

Very surprisingly, I managed to choose her from the contacts on my second try. I started laughing when I realized she had a call tone, something I would have assumed she would have labeled a waste of money. It was a soothing snippet of classical music, one that was far funnier—and far less soothing—than I should have found it. When I heard her voice, my amusement ended abruptly.

"Effie? Hi."

"Hi, mom," I said quietly. "What's up?"

"Your father and I are on a shopping trip. We're going to pick out some new furniture and then get groceries. That cats did a number on that old couch."

"That's cool," I said, feigning interest the very best I could.

"You haven't called in so long. We've missed you!"

I knew that was coming. "But you always keep me posted with your texts. And it's so busy here."

"I suppose I do, and I suppose you're right. What's new with you? Are you on your lunch break or something?

Well, that was one thing I hadn't considered very well.
I guess I was going to straight up lie.

"Yeah, just having a quick bite to eat. Listen," I said, pausing to try and keep my composure. "I, uh..."

Through some maternal magic, she sensed my unrest. "Is something the matter, Effie? Did something happen? Do you need money?"

She had pressed
that
button and I was helpless. And she mentioned money before I did! I started to sob again, but I wasn't about to be totally honest. "I don't have enough money for rent and I won't get paid for another week."

"Honey, I told you—"

"I'm so sorry," I whined, sniffling between each word, interrupting her before she rubbed more salt in the wound.

"I think it's clear you know you messed up," she said, apparently trying to attach a lesson to her approval. "And I'm not going to turn away my only child."

"What?" I asked, confused by how easily she was giving in.

"Effie, you know we haven't been that open with each other. I'm just glad you came to me to ask for help. It shows that you trust me. You can always tell me anything."

God, I couldn't believe how frail I had become. I felt even worse now about lying, realizing that she was using my moment of weakness to try to rekindle our relationship. It
was
okay. "Thanks, Mom," I said sheepishly. "I'm so sorry. I don't know what came over me."

"You know how much we love you. We're so proud that our daughter has a job in New York City! Everyone is so excited when we tell them."

I knew she was just trying to be nice, but I needed to end this because I was about to become even more of a wreck than I already was after witnessing her pride. "Mom, I have to go back to work now. I'm sorry."

"It's okay. Call us anytime. When we get home, I'll transfer the money to your account."

"Thank you so much," I said, meaning it more than I ever had in my life. "I love you guys."

"We love you, too."

The call ended and my crying began again. A different sort of tears this time.

***

My hands shook as I carried the checks to the landlord's "office." It was room on the ground floor with an open door and a desk inside. Although I was fairly sanguine about my situation in that moment, I still retained my doubts.

I didn't want to be
that person
, the one that always needed
just a couple extra days.

It'll never happen again, I swear!

After lightly slapping myself on my cheek, I took a deep breath and moved on. There was no reason to assume the worst about this. I hadn't done anything yet, and as far as the landlord was concerned, I had always paid on time. This wasn't about to become a habit.

When I got into the office, the landlord was seated at his desk, staring at a computer screen that was facing away from me.

"Hi, Mr. Hunter" I said meekly.

He looked away from the screen, somewhat surprised by my appearance. Mr. Hunter was an older man—I think he was fast-approaching eighty, per Jesse's insider info—who had lived in this building his whole life. I had talked to him a little bit when I first signed the amended lease, learning about his daughter that lived in Seattle and his dog, Terri, an aptly named Yorkshire
terrier.

The dog's bed was empty at that moment. "I'm sorry," he said, scrunching up his features and squinting through his glasses. "What was your name again? I definitely remember you. I'm sorry."

"I'm Effie. From 317 with Jesse Carver."

"Oh, yes, yes, Jesse. I was expecting to see him today. I always like our monthly chats."

Great decision, Effie. Now you're depriving him of his favorite encounter of the month.

"I'm sorry. I decided to give him a break this month. He's been working longer hours than usual."

"Aren't you just the sweetest, then, huh?" He smiled at me and moved his hands from the keyboard and mouse to the middle of the desk. "Jesse's a real hard worker, I can tell. And you can call me Edwin."

I continued to awkwardly hold the checks in my hand, not sure if I should hand them over before asking him for the extension or not. "I can take those," he said, clearing up my confusion immediately. I leaned forward and breathed slowly as I handed him the checks.

"Listen, Edwin," I said, swallowing a lump in my throat. "Is it possible to wait a couple of days to cash my check? The money should be in my account by tomorrow or the day after."

He laughed. "I can always tell when someone's nervous about something." Edwin didn't say anything after that, but clicked away at his computer again.

I stood in an awkward silence, waiting for something to happen. I fake laughed. "Yeah, I just hate inconveniencing people. I always feel bad even when people say it's no problem."

"Let me check the records." A concerned look broke out across his face, further contributing to my growing horror. I felt wobbly and disoriented, so I discreetly—and calmly—sat down in the chair next to me. He eyed the checks carefully, looking over the antiquated frames of his glasses as he attempted to identify some apparently minute detail.

"Is everything all right?" I asked, my voice hoarse, barely above a whisper. I suddenly doubted my ability to pay rent at all. Had I forgotten to pay for the last few months or something?

"I can't accept this, miss," he said, sliding my check back toward me.

A whole macabre chorus of alarms went off inside of me. I didn't know what this was, but it sounded fucking scary as hell.

"What's the matter?" I stammered. "Is everything okay?"

Edwin seemed to freeze up as if confused. "There's no trouble. Your account is in the black. For the rest of the year. I'm not going to keep taking money. It'd make me a greedy landlord." He smirked.

I took in a huge gulp of air, as my mind struggled to come to terms with this development. In a way, it felt like I was at some awards ceremony, receiving something that literally made no sense for me to receive. "I don't understand." I said it at the exact moment I thought it.

"Your, uh, brother, came by yesterday. Paid me cash. Real nice fella."

"My
brother?
" Had I stumbled into a sci-fi movie by mistake? Was this identity theft or something? My eyes stared at the floor. "I'm an only child."

"Miss, that's between you and God. Or whatever you subscribe to. Money's there, nothing you can do about now. Jack convinced me to take it. And he said he was your brother."

That sneaky little fucker!
A devious smile broke out across my lips when I heard him say it, but I fought it, trying not to be too obvious about it. God, and
what a creep
. My
brother
?

Just play along, even if it's gross.

"Wow!" I said. "What a surprise. I can't believe it." It sounded like I had read it off a teleprompter. Edwin didn't seem to notice.