Having My Baby (30 page)

Jill opened the door before he could knock. Her jaw dropped the moment she saw his face at closer view. “What happened to you?”

“It’s a long story.”

He tried to come inside but she blocked the entrance. “Answer a few questions and then we’ll talk.”

“Okay. If it’s about what you just saw—”

“Last week when you took Hank to your Malibu house,” she began, cutting him off without apology, “and then didn’t return until midnight—where were you?”

His hands sank deep into the front pockets of his sweats. “Everywhere,” he said. “If I recall correctly, that was a crazy day.” His eyes narrowed and his lips pressed together as if that might help jog his memory. “My sister’s car broke down,” he said. “I remember that much.”

“Did you see Maggie that night—you know—before you came here?” Before the kiss, she thought. Before you kissed me madly and heatedly and then made love to me and turned my world upside down.

He nodded. “I believe I might have.”

“Yes or no.”

“Yes.”

“And then again last night—”

“It was a coincidence. Nothing more.”

“Did you see Maggie at her house last night?”

He nodded.

Exactly what she was afraid of. “I’ll see you in court Monday morning.”

She tried to shut the door, but he kept a hand on the door frame.

He frowned. “You said we could talk.”

“That was before you answered my questions.”

Again, she tried to shut the door.

He refused to budge. “Don’t do this, Jill. It’s not what it seems.”

“You don’t understand,” she said. “I’m not angry with you. I’m only disappointed. You don’t owe me anything and I don’t owe you anything. When it comes right down to it, we hardly know one another.”

“That’s not true. I know you’re responsible and hard working. You’re a terrific mother and a loving person. I know you like sushi and chocolate soufflé with a firm crust and a soft middle.
The Notebook
is one of your all-time favorite movies, you prefer cats over dogs, and you’re the best thing that’s come into my life in a very long time.”

He looked and sounded sincere, but none of that mattered. She didn’t want to be with a man who might be looking at her, but instead be thinking of another. She knew he was confused and that her reaction to seeing him with Maggie might be unfair, but he didn’t love her and she deserved that much, at least. After all she’d been through, she deserved that much.

“And you’re beautiful,” he continued, his voice hoarse, his tone bordering on desperate. “What you see is what you get. You don’t ever pretend to be someone you’re not. That’s one of the things I like most about you.”

There was that word again.
Like. He liked her. He really liked her
. She sighed. Exactly why she couldn’t let him in the door. This had nothing to do with Maggie and everything to do with how she wanted to be treated. After seven years, Thomas hadn’t known what he wanted either. She sure knew how to pick’em. “I’m sorry, but I don’t want a man who can’t figure out what he wants. I’m no longer the naïve young woman I used to be. I deserve better.”

~~~

The last time Jill saw Derrick was three days ago. Tomorrow she would see him in the courtroom. She sighed. That wasn’t the whole truth. The last time she’d seen him was an hour ago when she’d peeked through a slit in the blinds covering her front window and watched him head for the parking lot. As always, he had looked devastatingly handsome in a white-button down shirt with rolled up sleeves and slacks that fit him snug around the thighs. She wondered where he was going and what he was doing.

Hoping to get her mind off of him, she took Ryan to the other room to give him a bath. Once the water temperature was just right, she set him in the tub.

“You are the sweetest boy in the world, aren’t you?” Such a miracle he was. Ryan no longer cried every time she held him. In fact, Nate had suggested the reason he might have cried so much in the beginning was because he could sense Jill’s apprehension. In a short time, though, she’d become confident with her ability to take care of him. Apparently babies sensed when their mothers were nervous.

She cupped warm water from the tub into the palm of her hand and rinsed him off, and then toweled him dry and wrapped him in a warm blanket. As she headed to the main room, she caught a glimpse of a shadow through the blinds. Someone was standing outside her front door. Sandy had said she might stop by with a couple of articles she’d written for this month’s issue of
Food for All
. The magazine did well last month, and next month they were hoping to double the sales. Chelsey credited Derrick Baylor with the upward spike in sales, but Jill chose to believe it was the great recipes and informative articles that had done the trick.

She opened the door. Never in a millions years had she expected to see Thomas standing on her welcome mat.

“Hello, Jill.”

No words came forth. Instead, she took a moment to look him over. She’d always liked his dark suits, crisp white shirts and perfectly combed hair, but for some reason the rigid look no longer suited him—or perhaps the look no longer suited her tastes, she wasn’t sure. He looked tall, but not nearly as broad shouldered as she’d recalled him being in the strange dreams she’d been having lately. Judging by the paleness of his face, he’d been spending too many hours in the office instead of outdoors playing golf.

He tried handing her a bouquet of bright red tulips, but her hands were full so she gestured with her free hand toward the kitchen, and then followed him that way. Daylilies were her favorite flower, but Thomas was never one to remember details—even after seven years together. “Thank you,” she said. “They’re beautiful.”

“Not nearly as beautiful as you.”

She watched him closely, wondering what he might be up to. He’d never been big on compliments.

“Here,” she said, handing Ryan over to him so she could put the flowers in a vase.

“Oh, no, I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

Too late. He was already holding Ryan. His nose wrinkled, as if he was holding a skunk instead of a baby. She ignored Thomas’s look of horror and took her time finding a vase.

The thought that Thomas was standing inside her apartment holding Ryan boggled the mind. Although her parents had mentioned Thomas more than once, she’d never really thought she’d see him again. She glanced at him again, wondering if he’d made the decision to visit on his own. She busied herself with cutting the stems and took her time arranging the flowers in the vase as she tried to wrap her mind around his being here.

When she turned about, she was surprised to find him so close. “What is it you wanted to talk to me about?”

“Isn’t it obvious?”

The familiar puppy-dog-eyed look he gave her used to work every time, but now he just looked ridiculous. She had to stop herself from chuckling. “You’ve hardly said two words to me since leaving me at the church to fend for myself. Truthfully, I have no idea why you’re here.”

“I’ve never stopped loving you, Jill.”

Her jaw dropped. “Are you kidding me? You didn’t call for months after I moved. If you ever loved me, you would have come to California months ago.”

“Your parents told me to give you time. They said you would be back before the summer was over. The next time I asked about you, I learned you were pregnant.”

She wagged a finger at him.

He held Ryan closer to his chest for protection.

“Why did you leave me at the church, Thomas? How could you do that to me?”

“Because I’m a fool.”

“Give me my baby.” She scooped Ryan out of his arms.

Thomas looked down at the wet spot on his shirt.

“Looks like he peed on you. I’m going to put his diaper on and I’ll be right back.”

She returned moments later holding a newly diapered baby in her arms. Thomas stood in front of the sink and used a paper towel to dab cold water at the wet spot on his shirt.

“Do you have a crib or some place you can set him while we talk?”

“No. It’s not his nap time and he likes to be held.”

Thomas gestured toward the couch. “Shall we?”

Reluctantly, she took a seat in the chair across from the couch.

He sat on the couch and rubbed his hands over his knees, something he always used to do when he was nervous. No matter how many times she looked at him, she couldn’t believe he was here, after all this time, sitting across from her.

He’d finally come.

She’d spent months dreaming of this moment and now here he was, and she wasn’t sure she liked him being here at all.

“Remember the fight we had the night before our wedding?” he asked.

She nodded, although she had no idea what they had actually fought about that night. They were both nervous and stressed out from months of planning for the big day.

“After I left your house, I jumped in my car and I drove. I drove for miles until I no longer knew what city I was in. Once I found a hotel, I made my way to the hotel bar and drank my way into oblivion.” Pausing, he looked at her. He looked teary-eyed. “You know I’m not a drinker. By the time I awoke the next morning, it was too late. The wedding was over. By the time I arrived at your house, you refused to talk to me.”

She waited for something to happen inside of her, figuring she would feel the flutter of butterfly wings low in her belly or pangs of desire somewhere within, but she felt nothing.

He left the couch, came to stand before her and dropped to one knee. He placed a hand on her leg since her hands were busy with the baby. “I never stopped loving you, Jill. Come back to New York with me. I beg of you.”

She only wished Sandy was here with a video camera. For over a year she’d fantasized about this very moment, about Thomas begging for her to come back to him. In her dreams they had embraced and cried before he whisked her to a chapel where they would finally become man and wife. Despite what he’d done, she still had feelings for him — brotherly love sort of feelings. For the first time in many months, she knew without a doubt that she’d done the right thing by moving to California.

She smiled; she couldn’t help it.

For the first time in her life she was doing all of the things she’d dreamt about. She was in charge of her own magazine. She had a child, a son to call her own. She liked her apartment, and she had no doubt whatsoever that she would be a good mother to Ryan. Despite being burnt by love, she’d opened herself up again and would never regret the time she’d spent with Derrick. For the first time in her life, she felt as if she could make decisions on her own without first asking friends and family what they thought. Not only was she using her instincts, she was following her dreams and it felt good.

Thomas must have taken the smile on her face as a positive sign because his eyes brightened with hope. “Remember the house I told you I had picked out for the two of us?”

She nodded.

“I bought it. Wait until you see what I’ve done with the office. It’s all yours. You can hire a nanny and write articles for your little magazine if you have time. More importantly, I want you to edit the book that I’ve been writing. I’ll include your name in the acknowledgement page.”

It took everything she had not to roll her eyes and groan.

“Things are going to be different this time, Jill. Just give me a chance.”

She held Ryan up for Thomas to see. “This is my life now, Thomas. Look at him. Look at him closely. He’s my life, my love, my everything.”

Thomas sighed. “It’s not healthy for a child to be smothered in love, you know.”

“I know, but I can’t help it.” She smiled again. “Look at him. He’s irresistible, don’t you think?”

Thomas took another long look and scratched the back of his neck.

“Do you want to hold him again? He’s covered now.”

“I’ll pass. Thanks.”

Her smile widened because she’d known exactly what he’d say. “I could never live with a man who didn’t love Ryan as much as I do.”

“I’m certain that over time I would come to feel whatever it is you feel for the baby.”

“I’m sure you wouldn’t, but that’s not the reason I’m going to have to turn down your offer. I don’t love you.” She held Ryan close to her chest. “Wow, this is incredible.”

“What is?”

“My being able to sit here, look you in the eye, and tell you with one-hundred-percent certainty that I don’t love you. It’s freeing, Thomas, and oh, so liberating!”

Thomas pushed himself to his feet and fiddled with his tie. “I guess I should be going.”

She came to her feet and for a moment they just stood there looking at one another. But then she had an idea. She tilted her chin upward, closed her eyes and puckered up.

“What are you doing, Jill?”

“Kiss me.” Holding Ryan with one hand, she used her free hand to tap a finger on her lips. “Quickly, Thomas, before it’s too late.”

He leaned down and kissed her. He lingered overly long, and she gently pushed him away. “Nothing. I feel absolutely nothing!”

Shaking his head, Thomas headed for the door.

“I’m sorry,” she said, following close at his heels. “But I do appreciate you coming all this way.”

“I’m sure you do.” He opened the door and then turned back to her. “I’ll be in court tomorrow. Your mother and father will be there, too. Your father has sent two of his best lawyers with me. By the time we’re finished, you’ll have full custody of your son.”

So, her father
had
sent Thomas. “How do you intend to do that?”

“A piece of cake, really,” he said. “It’ll be an open and shut case. Trust me.”

“Well, I don’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings. No need to get nasty.”

“Do you want full custody of your son, or not?”

She chewed on her bottom lip. “Well, yes, but—”

“Just leave it me, Jill. Don’t worry your little head about any of it.”

Ignoring the “little head” statement, she clearly remembered why he used to get on her nerves. “I’m just asking you and your friends not to get carried away,” she told him. “I know how malicious Dad’s lawyers can get, like a frenzy of sharks. There’s no need.”