Having a Ball (29 page)

Marsh nodded. "Sounds like love, all right." For a moment he stared into
space. "I felt like that when I thought I'd lost Jane."

Stevie remembered that time all too well. "The worst of it," she said, as
she levered out another hefty dose of ice cream, "is that everyone told me this
would happen. Everyone. And I thought I was grown up enough to handle it."

He gave her a long sideways look. "What have you done to handle
it?"

"Well, I've called you. Like I always do."

He laughed gently and laid a hand on her arm. "No, you waited until the
morning to call me. You normally just phone at whatever time at night. And from
what you've just said, you've been trying to get on with your life. You've accepted it
hurts. But you're doing your best to carry on. Sounds to me like you're being pretty
grown up about it."

She stared, ice cream spoon in her mouth. Marsh, her big brother who
always treated her like a baby, thought she was handling this well. Perhaps she
was. Marsh didn't give praise lightly. She swallowed too much ice cream too quickly
and winced at the resulting stab of pain. "Really?"

"Yes. Really. It wasn't so long ago you'd have just sat in here with the
curtains drawn and cried for three days."

She thought about it. That was true. She had done that in the past.

"So, I think you're doing pretty well. I'm just sorry that it had to happen at
all." He scowled. "If I ever see Tom, I really will hit him."

Stevie smiled. "Marsh, you'd never hit anyone. Besides, it's not Tom's
fault. He told me he didn't do commitment and I convinced myself that was okay.
He didn't lie to me."

"Still. He should have known better. You're young..."

"I thought you just said I was quite mature."

"You're still young."

Stevie threw up her free hand. "I can't win."

Marsh smiled at her. "I'm afraid you'll always be thirteen to me."

"Well, I just hope Jane's having a boy. Because a girl wouldn't stand a
chance with you for a dad."

The smile dropped from his face and she immediately regretted what
she'd said. "Sorry. Did I say something wrong?"

"No, no. It's just..." He shrugged, and spread his hands out. "You know. It's
a big thing."

"Is everything going okay? Is Jane okay?"

"Oh yeah. After the initial terrible time, she seems to be blooming now
and there haven't been any problems."

"So, what's bothering you?"

He didn't reply, just stared at the floor, his brow furrowed.

"Are you worried about becoming a dad?" she said softly.

"Well, it is a scary thought." He gave her a half smile. "It's a huge
responsibility."

Stevie didn't know what to say. She was used to him stressing and
obsessing about exams and work. Those were easy to deal with. Marsh was clever
and good at what he did. Although he sometimes doubted himself, he knew deep
inside that he would pass whatever test he faced. But this was different. No one
could predict how good a parent he would be.

Stevie looked at the tub of ice cream in her hand. When in doubt, ice
cream was always a good standby.

She offered the tub to Marsh. He smiled and picked up the empty bowl
and spoon from the table in front of him.

"Thanks." He helped himself to a large dollop.

Stevie nodded in acknowledgement. She watched fondly as her brother
ate the melting ice cream carefully so as not to get any on his shirt. Since she was
thirteen, he had been her father, mother and best friend as well as her big brother.
If anyone were to take credit for how she had turned out, it would largely be him.
At the time she'd thought he was bossy and overbearing, but the last few weeks had
taught her just how difficult teenage girls could be. Poor Marsh had had no choice
but to throw himself into the role and hope for the best.

"For what it's worth," she said. "I think you'll be a great dad."

He gave her a sceptical glance. "Yeah?"

"You brought me up, pretty much."

He shook his head. "You brought yourself up. I just made sure you had
food and clothes and a house to live."

"Uh huh. Not to mention lecturing me on the dangers of drugs. Making
sure I did my homework. Picking me up when I missed the last train home. Scaring
away boyfriends you didn't like. Grounding me for nicking money out of your
wallet..."

"I never scared away any of your boyfriends."

"Derek Williamson?"

"Okay. One. He really wasn't right for you though."

Stevie rolled her eyes.

"Anyway," she said, firmly returning to the subject. "Since Mum and Dad
died, you've been the closest thing I've had to a parent. So if I turned out even
remotely normal, it's all thanks to you."

"And Aunty Caroline. And all those social services people."

Stevie waved the suggestion away. "They just popped in now and
again."

They sat together and ate ice cream in silence for a few minutes.

Finally Marsh said, "Do you really think that?"

"Don't milk it. I'm not saying it again."

* * * *

While Marsh was still there, Stevie got another phone call from someone
who'd taken her card at the ball. This time it was about a graduation party. She
made notes and asked a few questions to get a general idea, then agreed to call back
with a quote. She hung up and found Marsh watching her, a curious expression on
his face.

"What?" she said over her shoulder, while making a few last notes.

"I've never seen you in action before. It's an eye opener to see the
all-new, professional side of you."

"It's not that new," said Stevie, even though it was.

"I'm impressed."

Stevie stared. Had Marsh actually said he was impressed? "Wow. That's
high praise coming from you."

He grinned. "Must be the ice cream, gone to my head." He looked at his
watch. "Listen, I'd better go. I want to get home before Jane goes to bed." He
gathered his things. "Are you going to be okay?"

Stevie nodded. She was feeling much better for having poured out all her
feelings. Being independent was all well and good, but it was comforting to have
her big brother around to talk to sometimes. "I'm all grown up now, see?"

Marsh laughed. "If you say so." He pulled on his coat.

"Thanks for the ice cream. And the chat."

Marsh inclined his head in acknowledgement. He picked up his briefcase
and was about to say something when there was a knock on the door. He gave
Stevie a puzzled glance.

It was nearly 10:00 p.m. Who could it be at this hour? Feeling glad that
Marsh was here, in case it was some weirdo, she opened the door.

Tom was standing outside. His suit collar was open at the neck and his
curls were tumbling onto his forehead. He looked a little unsteady, like he'd just
come from the pub. "Hi." His smile bypassed her brain and registered straight in
her stomach. "Can I come in?"

Stevie's thoughts skittered around. Tom. He was here. He was gorgeous.
"Um..." Did she really want to talk to him? What was there to say?

Marsh came and stood behind her. Tom's eyes flicked over her shoulder
to look at her brother and his eyes widened slightly. Stevie remembered that the
last time they'd met, Marsh had been in a high temper.

"Marsh," said Tom, recovering his composure.

"Tom." There was ice in Marsh's voice.

"I've come to see Stevie." He looked back to Stevie. "Can I come in?"

Stevie glanced at Marsh, who said nothing. His expression told her that he
would gladly kick Tom's arse down the stairs, but he was waiting to see what she
wanted. She understood that he was giving her room to be the adult she claimed to
be.

She sighed and opened the door. "Come in. Marsh was just leaving."

Marsh gave her a nod. "I'll call you tomorrow." He left, not bothering to
say goodbye to Tom.

Tom watched him go. "He's not changed much."

"Did you just come here to be rude about my brother?"

"No. No." Tom entered, a little sheepishly. "I came to see you."

She didn't invite him to sit down. The mere sight of him, standing close
enough to touch, was clawing at her heart. She wanted to throw herself into his
arms and kiss him. She was pretty sure he'd kiss her back. But that would achieve
nothing. It would merely hurt more when he told her he was leaving. She folded her
arms across her chest. "Evelyn told me you got the job in Doha.
Congratulations."

"Thanks. Actually, that's what I came to talk to you about."

Was he going to say he'd turned down the job so that he could be with
her? Hope fluttered in her chest. Did he care about her as much as she cared about
him?

He ran a hand through his hair. "The thing is, Stevie," he said. "I really like
you. I've been with women before and none of them have had the impact you've
had on me. None of them." He took a step towards her. "I think we had
something...have something...special. And it would such a shame for it to end
before it's even started."

Her heart almost stopped beating in anticipation of what he was going to
say. Not trusting herself to speak, she nodded.

"So, I want you to come to Doha with me."

The crash of her dreams was almost audible. She gasped. "What?"

"Come with me. I can say you're my partner, we could get a big double
flat together. It's a senior position, I'll make more than enough money for both of
us. You could--"

Stevie was no longer listening. Anger exploded through her. How dare
he? Did he think he could just click his fingers and she would drop everything and
run off with him? "I could what, Tom? Keep house for you? Be there at the ready
whenever you fancy a shag?"

Tom took a step back, as though singed by her anger. "No, I didn't mean
that at all. I meant, come with me. Be my girlfriend. You can find a job over there, if
that's what you want."

Stevie thought of the two potential events she had lined up. Her career as
an event organiser was only just beginning. She had her dream job within her
sights, and he was asking her to just chuck it. Clearly, he felt that her career was
less important than his own. What happened when things went wrong? She'd be
stuck in the Middle East, reliant on him, and her fledgling career would be dead. "I
already have a job here. I've had loads of offers since the ball. Things are going well,
thank you."

"Of course they are. You're good."

"And you want me to leave everything and come and be your
plaything?"

"That is not what I'm saying!" His voice rose.

She glared. "What are you saying then?"

"I'm saying that I want to be with you! Although God knows why I
bothered." He put his hands on his hips and glared back.

Stevie's arms tightened against her chest. Suddenly, a stab of something
else was thrown into the mix of emotions. He'd just said he wanted to be with her.
She was more than a two-night stand. She knew Tom well enough to know that it
was not an admission he would make lightly. But he wanted her on his terms. Just
like when she'd first slept with him, it was on his terms.

But she'd learned her lesson. It took a moment for her to find her voice.
"I'm sorry, Tom," she said, knowing this to be true. "But I can't do what you're
asking."

"Why not? If I want you and you want me..."

Stevie sighed. "When we met, you told me you were married to your job.
And you are. If I leave everything I have behind and come with you, what happens
when your job takes over? Because it will. It'll start with working one weekend, just
to get something finished, and then before you know it, you'll be busy and I'll
hardly see you. I won't be able to find work there as easily as you think. What am I
supposed to do then?"

Tom looked deflated. "But we'll be together."

"I know. But it's not as simple as that." She pressed her jaws together in
an effort to stop herself from crying. She knew he meant well, but he really hadn't
thought it through. This job was important to him and she knew that the old
workaholic Tom was there, just below the surface, and would reappear within
weeks. "I want to be with you too, but you're asking too much. I can't just leave
everything to become your live-in woman."

Tom sighed, all the fight gone out of him. "Where does that leave us,
then?"

"Pretty much where we were when I left Oxford, I guess."

His expression was so sad that it was all she could do not to reach for
him. "You're a very special person Stevie," he said finally.

Her vision swam with tears, but she tried to smile. "So are you."

He stepped towards her and placed a gentle kiss on her cheek.

She closed her eyes.

"Bye, Stevie."

"Bye, Tom." She opened her eyes and a tear rolled down her face. She
would have wiped it away, but she was afraid that if she moved her arms, her chest
would shatter.

At the door he paused. "If you change your mind..."

She shook her head. "I won't."

He pulled the door gently shut behind him.

Stevie sank to the floor and unlocked her arms. A huge sob erupted from
somewhere deep inside. She put her face in her hands and gave herself up to the
pain.

From: Tom Blackwood

To: Olivia Gornall

Well, that wasn't such a great
idea. I feel like a total sh*t now.

##

From: Olivia Gornall

To: Tom Blackwood

What happened?
Did
you go and see her?

##

From: Tom Blackwood

To: Olivia Gornall

I asked her to come with me.
She said no.
The worst of it is, she's right. If she comes with me, I
will have to work silly hours to make it in this job and I won't be able to
spend as much time with her as I'd like to and she won't have anything
to do. We might be phenomenally lucky and find her a job, but the
chances aren't huge.
I feel worse now than I did before. Somehow,
seeing her again just reinforced how much I miss her. I know it's only
been a couple of days since she was in Oxford, but time seems to go
slower without her around. It's like TV--once you've seen things in HD,
normal TV suddenly seems really crap. That's what it's like. She made
me see life in sharp focus. Now everything looks dull.
Oh, and I told
her I wanted a longer term relationship. I didn't mean to, it just came
out. Now that it's out there, I know it's true. Which makes everything
suck all the more.
I'm off to get another
drink.
Tom