Have Mercy (Have a Life #1) (24 page)

I guess I fell asleep because it was dark outside when I got up off the floor.  Low wattage emergency lights illuminated the studio.  I had no idea if I was alone or not because the studio was sound-proof so I knew I couldn’t hear if anyone was upstairs in the house.  The Griffin might not be home for hours, maybe days.  Based on my own experiences with him he showed up whenever he pleased and left when things got real.  And honestly, I didn’t know what I had to say to him anymore. 

              I counted my money.  I could get to the airport and throw myself at the mercy of the airlines and hope they would just stick me on a flight home to get rid of me as some kind of pathetic charity case—isn’t that what I was?  Or I could ask Isak for a ride to the airport and fly as far as four hundred bucks would get me. 

              I picked up my guitar and plugged it in, turned on the sound board and put a blank CD in the player, and when I did the lights came on.  I thought I would record something to show Tim—if I ever saw him again—how easy it was to do it. 

              I did my usual warm-up with some scales, then struck a chord, an E flat—my key—and was astounded at the violence that came out as I played every note in the chord:  E flat, F, G, A flat, B flat, C and D.  Then I turned on the microphone, prepared to sing my usual la-la-la-la-la-di-da but instead a wordless sound came rolling up through my body and exploded out of my mouth—louder than anything I ever sang, truer than any sound I ever made—a scream.  It was bigger than my body seemed able to produce and I didn’t recognize it as me, and it went on and on louder and louder and I couldn’t stop it and it felt like my eardrums would burst in the headphones.  It was crystal clear and if I had been a soprano I would’ve broken the studio’s glass walls.  When I finally ran out of breath, I inhaled, thinking that whatever had happened was over, but it wasn’t and words started pouring out of me.  Like the scream, the words were coming from inside my body but I had no control over them. 

I’m all alone

But I don’t cry

I’m free as lightning in the sky

I come and go and do my dance

I’ll light you up

Give me a chance

World’s finest partner

Me with Me

I am my own best company

              I burst into tears then I screamed again.  I’m a very good screamer, it turns out. I played a bridge and more came pouring out.  For the first time in my life I started a song that wouldn’t stop. There was more inside and I savored the taste of the words in my mouth and let them come out in their own time, which they did.

There’s you and me

Which one’s more free?

You can’t stop me

Being me

That’s your best shot?

That’s all you’ve got?

My lightning shows

It ain’t a lot

Gonna leave me?

Make me cry?

Try to hurt me?

I don’t die

Cause I’ll still be

With me and me

I am the world’s best company

              I fiddled with the chords and the rhythm and when I thought I had it right, I put another blank CD in the player and recorded it.  Then I played it back again and again.  And I laughed and laughed.  I stood up and did a dance.  I had always felt self-conscious dancing, but now I thought I would
definitely
incorporate dancing into my stage routine if I ever got the chance.  I popped the CD out of the player, found a Sharpie and wrote on the CD: 
Mercy
…
Me!
and I put the CD in my backpack.  I was smiling.  Jane was right, I never smiled.  Now I couldn’t stop.

              The soundboard had a date and time counter which came up after I stopped recording.  It was five o’clock in the morning. I had been working non-stop for almost twelve hours and it was the most alive I ever felt.  I gathered my stuff together to go up to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee and leave, when I saw three figures coming down the steps to the studio.  Captain Kirby waved, Tim smiled at me, and Raymond flashed me his usual devilish grin.

Tim dropped his guitar and backpack and held me in his arms.  He smoothed my hair—which probably looked like a tornado carved a path through it—and kissed me. “You look tired but you look really good.”

              “Sorry it took us so long,” Captain Kirby said.  “Traffic on 440 was stop and go.”

              “That’s bullshit,” Tim said, “I had to drag her away from Carmen.”

              Was Captain Kirby blushing?  I hugged her and pushed the bangs out of her eyes.

              “We had a moment,” she said. 

              “Or three,” Tim said.

              “Are you going back to Nashville?” I asked.

              “Isak told us you were downstairs,” Kirby said, avoiding the question.  “He’s a cool dude.”

              Raymond had been circling me.  I tried to avoid looking at him.  “
Sometheeg
is different,
vrai
? Do you see it?” he said to Tim.  “You have taken a lover, no?” 

              “I had a growth spurt,” I said.

              “
Oui?
”  He squinted at me.  “Yes, that is it!  You are
taller
.”

              Tim held up a CD.  “We nailed it, Mercy. 
Hole in the Sky.
We rock!”             

              “How did you know where I was?” I asked him.

              “I called Raymond,” Tim said.

              Right.  I had forgotten they were buds. 

              “They’re in freaked-out mode getting ready for the tour,” Tim said.  “
Righteous Anger.
  Isn’t that a cool name?  A gofer borrowed Isak’s jeep. They’re already ferrying stuff to the Center to set up.  Kirby loaned them the van. They have a tractor trailer full of equipment too. It’s awesome.  The Griffin asked Raymond to bring Isak home and we hitched a ride.”             

              So he knows I’m here and can’t even take a break to come see me. Probably because Marjewel didn’t tell him he had to.

              “We open tomorrow night,” Raymond said. 

              “But after that, we got to get back to Milltown,” Captain Kirby said.

              “Milltown?  Didn’t we just escape?” I said.  “What happened to ‘Milltown is not an option’?”

              “I talked to my mom yesterday,” Captain Kirby said.

              I braced myself. Like had Mrs. Kirby burned down the house?

              “And?”

              “Your mom’s trial is set for next week.  Not trial. She pleaded guilty and they’re going to sentence her.”

              “It’s all over the net again,” Tim said. “It’s a circus.”

              “You’ll probably want to be there,” Captain Kirby said.

              How I spent my summer vacation.  I waited for my stomach to start spazzing and when it didn’t I realized that I wasn’t feeling forgiving exactly, but I didn’t feel resentful either. I just felt really sad that Jane had gotten herself into a mess she finally couldn’t ignore her way out of.  I couldn’t fix it, but I could show up. 

              “Yeah,” I said.  “I probably do.”

Sometimes you get so pissed that you can’t stay angry or you’ll burst. Maybe that’s what had happened with Marjewel.  Or maybe she was waiting to see if what she said had gotten through to me because she said that me and Captain Kirby and Tim could stay until after the concert.  But then, she told Tim, “I’ve having the house painted so you’ll all have to leave right away.” Which was totally lame-o because the house looked as detailed as she did.                           

              Isak reported that The Griffin could hardly button his chaps and was so out of breath after an hour that he was working double sessions with his trainer and dietician to get him into as good shape as was possible in less than 24 hours—“or it’s Spanx,” Isak said and laughed. 

              “That’s why he couldn’t come home to see you,” Isak told me.  I knew it was bullshit, that Isak was playing older brother, but it made me like him even more. 

              Isak shooed us aside and moved deliberately around the studio, packing stuff in a padded aluminum case. Then he said the studio was all ours.  He was spending the final 24 hours in town with The Griffin, Raymond and Bang. 

              Tim was blown away by Isak’s set-up.  He put his demo of
Hole in the Sky
in the CD player. 

              “I can’t believe how good it sounds, better than it did in Nashville.”

              “It sounds great,” I said. 

              “I know.” 

              Tim appeared thoughtful, like he was hoping I would say I’d give the demo to The Griffin.  He couldn’t know that The Griffin had bragged on him to Isak and had taught Isak the basics of
Hole in the Sky
and that Isak had sprung them on me. The truth was Tim probably had more pull with The Griffin than I did.

              “Why don’t you give it to Raymond?  He’s already a fan of yours.”

              “Yeah, I know,” Tim smiled.  “Actually, he already heard it and he likes it.  Anyway, he told me he’s thinking of leaving the band.  We already talked to Bilbo.  Actually, I introduced them.”  Tim seemed really pleased with himself.  “Bilbo’s flying down to talk to Raymond about representing him.”

              “
What?
”

              “Yeah.  Since Isak joined them Raymond says it’s not fun anymore.  The Griffin is working solos in for Isak like he’s a better guitar player and he isn’t.  Raymond’s the best, but it’s The Griffin’s call not Raymond’s because The Griffin writes the songs.”

              Tell me about it.

              “Does The Griffin know?”

              “Raymond told me he’s been thinking about leaving to start his own thing for a while.  I think he wants me to come with him.”

              I nodded, trying to comprehend what this meant for everyone.  Raymond had a whole fan base of his own separate from The Griffin.  Music blogs were always talking about Raymond as one of the great all-time guitarists and his following would undoubtedly go wherever he was.

              “You can join us if you want, I’m pretty sure,” Tim said. “Raymond really likes you.”

              I didn’t feel like arguing about whether or not Raymond liked me, but joining a group with Raymond as the leader was the last thing in the world I would do especially since they were both going to be under contract to Bilbo.  More importantly, now that I had written
Mercy
…
Me!
I didn’t want to play someone else’s songs.  I wanted to get to work writing my own.

              “We can talk about it later,” I said.

              Tim grabbed my hand and forced me to look at him.  “Mercy, if I go, what’s going to happen to us?”

              I said, “I don’t know,” but I actually did. 

              “I have to take advantage of this thing with Raymond.  I mean, it’s the best thing that ever happened to me.”

              He had said that about
Have Mercy
and me not so long ago. 

              “I think you need to go where this leads you.  You know what Captain Kirby says about going through doors when they open.”

              “I still want there to be us, Mercy.”

              I was almost sixteen now and I suspected that the chance of me and Tim being an “us” would disappear once he went on the road with Raymond.

              “Are you gonna finish school?” I asked.

              “I’m not sure my dad would even let me back in the house.  He hung up on me when I called him yesterday.”

              I wanted to ask him how he felt about Clarisse, but restrained myself.  “Let’s just get ready for the concert and not even think about…things…until it’s over.  Okay?” 

              “Yes, that’s great, but look, Mercy,” Tim said, “About the concert.  I think Raymond is going to ask The Griffin to let me do
Hole in the Sky
.”

              “What makes you think that?”

              “He kind of said he would.”

              “On
stage
?” 

                  “If you mind, I won’t do it, I swear.”

              My dream had always been to be at a Griffin concert, get the nod, and have him pull me up on stage to sing with him.  Now it was going to happen, the dream was coming true, but I wasn’t in it. 

              I felt my throat get tight and I forced myself to ask, “Does The Griffin know?”

              “Actually,
he
thought it was a great idea.  Bilbo called him.  He’s my manager now, you know.  Raymond played the demo for him. He loves the song.”

              “He took time out to hear the demo?”

              “So, is it okay?”

              If you couldn’t make someone love you, you certainly couldn’t convince them you were talented if they didn’t think so in the first place.  Like, I had to let go of the idea that I would ever be anything to The Griffin but his “funny little kid.” 

              “It’s okay, Tim.  I wouldn’t have come this far without you, you know that don’t you?”

              “I couldn’t do it if it made you mad.”

              Yes, you could.

                “I wouldn’t be here at all if I wasn’t in
Have Mercy.”

              I had wondered back in Milltown whether Tim cared for me because I was me or because I was The Griffin’s daughter.  He had made me think it was me.  But now it didn’t seem to matter if I had been wrong.  It only mattered that he was leaving.  I was going to really
really
miss him. 

              “I want you to do it, Tim.  I really do.  Of
course,
I do.”  I forced a smile.  “I’m glad I’m going to be here to see it. On stage?  With The Griffin?  No one deserves it more.”                  

              “I’m glad you’re my friend, Mercy.”

              “
Friends
of course
,
” I said, “
Always!
”  It sounded an awful, like being The Griffin’s “favorite girl.”

              “Oh, hey, by the way,” he said, really excited.  “Clarisse and Bilbo are both coming down for the concert.  It’s like my first paid gig and Bilbo wants to check it out.”

              “Naturally.”