Have a New Kid by Friday (15 page)

Christmas Gifts (the “Gimme Gimme” Syndrome)

“It never stops. Even before Thanksgiving, she’s got a list of things she wants that’s several pages long.”

“My boss gave his son a motorcycle for Christmas. And his son is only 17!”

Children get far too many things these days, especially children in middle income and affluent homes. It’s the smart parent who’s able to discern the difference between what children need and what they want.

“I cringe every time I’m at my in-laws’ for Christmas,” Jill told me. “Everyone rips open presents all at once and it’s over within 5 minutes . . . except for the complaining they do about the presents they didn’t want.”

In today’s materialistic society, children see—and thus want—more and more things. But does that mean they should get them? These days, children tend to be less and less thankful because they receive so much.

What does Christmas really mean to you? Do you want your children to think it’s all about “gimme gimme”? Or do you want your children to understand what giving and sacrifice is all about?

I suggest to parents that they minimize the number of gifts that kids are given. The Billings family, for example, has 3 children. Each of the children receives a large gift, which has been thoughtfully considered for its long-term value, and a stocking stuffer. Their 9-year-old received a mandolin and lesson books and tapes, which she’d been dreaming about. Their 10-year-old got ice skates and a 6-month membership at the local skating rink. Their 13-year-old got a gift certificate for a week of horse camp the following summer. Such gifts show just how well the parents know their children and will value lasting experiences instead of spending money on plastic toys that will break or get lost.

One of the things we Lemans have always done as a family is to help a needy family at Christmastime. We provide the necessities of life—groceries, clothing, etc.—as well as some fun little surprises for the children of that family to open on Christmas. As our children have delivered these gifts with us throughout the years, they’ve developed tender hearts toward those in need. That’s a character quality that will last a lifetime!

You can’t always control the number of gifts your child receives since some of those gifts are from other people, but you can do this:

whenever you open your gifts, have one person open one gift at a time so the children aren’t just going from thing to thing, ripping packages open wildly and not even considering who gave the gift or how much sacrifice went into giving it. Many families also insist that before that gift is played with, the child needs to thank the giver (whether in person, by note, or with a phone call).

Let’s face it. We all know children who are never thankful. No gift they receive is ever enough or good enough. A well-to-do father approached me a couple years ago, torn about what to do with his daughter. He admitted that he has a lot of money and that he has showered her with presents. Anytime she wanted to drive the posh family car, she got it. She was always going out with friends, shopping, going to lunch. Basically she was a wild hair doing whatever she wanted to do. She was mouthy, calling her mom “bleepin’ b—h” and her father other choice words when she didn’t get what she wanted.

This year she announced that she wanted an iPhone for Christmas.

And the father didn’t know what to do. He had always flooded her with designer this and that for her birthday, Christmas, and many times in between. But, to put it bluntly, she had turned into a brat.

I suggested to the father that instead of putting a Christmas present under the tree, he should put a letter that said this:

Because we love you so much, your Christmas gift is this letter. There
will be no iPhone and no other gifts this year. This is a year where
you need to sit back and think about how you treat your parents,
your sister, your brother, and your friends at school.

Love, Mom and Dad

The father gulped and turned a little pale, but he did it. And that Christmas morning, he got the message across to his daughter that he loved her but that he would not tolerate her behavior any longer.

What do your children really need this Christmas? I’ll answer that question with this little anecdote. I write a weekly column for a Tucson, Arizona, newspaper. One year they asked me to write on this topic: “What does your wife want most for Christmas?” My answer? “To be treated with kindness and respect all year long.” Evidently that column had an impact because I received a lot of letters about it. An insurance sales guy even stopped me at a ball game to tell me what a great piece of advice that was and how much he needed it. “I make a lot of money,” he admitted, “and I give my wife a lot of things. But I’ve taken too many liberties with her in too many areas. I have not respected her or treated her kindly. It took that article to make me realize that things really don’t matter. My wife needs my respect, love, kindness . . . and time. You’ve opened my eyes.”

What do children need way more than the “gimmes”? They need parents who will respect them, treat them kindly (and help them learn to treat others likewise), and give them the gift of their time. Those are gifts of a lifetime, not trinkets that will rust or break.

Common Courtesy

This one doesn’t need any examples, because you know exactly what I mean. Whatever happened to common courtesy these days? It always astounds and annoys me as a car-pool dad when I drive a child home in my car after an activity and don’t even receive a “Thanks, Mr. Leman, for taking me home.”
Isn’t that basic manners?
I wonder to myself.

Contrast that with my little grandson, Conner, who, ever since he was 3, always thanks his grandma and me
without prompting
from his mother
every time he comes over to play. He thanks us when we get him a drink or his favorite cookie. If a 3-year-old can remember to say thanks, why can’t a teenager? Could it be that he simply hasn’t been instructed at home as to what to do and say?

If you have a young child, start now by instructing him in what to say. Children don’t learn how to say thank you without some prompting. It’s not uncommon for a mom of a young child to say, “What do you say?” as a prompting when he receives a kindness.

Then the child remembers,
Oh, I’m supposed
to say thank you
. If a mom reinforces this over and over, by the time a child is 3 it should come out naturally, without a reminder.

In the same way, kids don’t learn basic manners without teaching and prompting. So teach your child how to say please and thank you. If you haven’t taught your children basic manners, it’s never too late tostart. Teach her how to put a napkin in her lap, which fork to use first if there is more than one, and how to hold her utensils. Teach her to cough into her elbow rather than into someone’s face or into her hand before touching a doorknob. Teach him that belching and other bodily noises aren’t polite behavior in public.

Why not turn learning manners into creative fun at the dinner table? Play the “Catch Someone Not Using Good Manners” game. Everyone loves it in our house. At the dinner table, put a stack of coins in front of each adult and each child (ages 6 through 10 works best). If you catch someone not using good manners, you get to take a coin off their pile and add it to yours. If you’re a goofy daddy like me, you might chew with your mouth open, just so someone can catch you. You could order, “Pass the potatoes” and wait for someone to correct you with “Please pass the potatoes.” You could even burp. Be creative with the ways you reinforce this. Your child will love it. They need a mom or dad to make a few mistakes along the way. So why not invent a few as teachable moments for the kids?

Let’s say your child receives a gift. After the age of 3, your child shouldn’t be prompted to say thank you. If he doesn’t say thank you on his own, when you get in the car, what could you do? Simply say, “Honey, I noticed you didn’t say thank you to Mrs. So-and-so for the gift she gave you.”

“Oh, Mommy, I forgot,” the child is likely to say.

“Okay, thanks for letting me know. I’ll hold on to this gift until you are able to thank Mrs. So-and-so with a note or a phone call.”

What are you really doing in this situation? You’re not coming down on your child, beating him into the ground for forgetting to say thank you and embarrassing you. Instead, you’re teaching your child to do the right thing by delaying gratification (which goes against the grain of a child who usually wants to play with that toy right away) until the task is accomplished.

Communicating/Not Wanting to Communicate

“How was school today?”

“Fine.”

“How did your test go?”

(Grunt.)

“What did you do today?”

“Nothin’. ”

“Where have you been?”

(Shrug.)

“What did you do with your buddies tonight?”

“Nothin’. ”

Every parent has received the silent treatment. The “fine.” The grunt. The “nothin’. ” The shrug. There’s nothing more exasperating than trying to communicate and having the other end of the two-way conversation not cooperating.

How are you trying to communicate? By asking questions. It works in most conversations, right?

Wrong. Most questions we ask our kids really are nonproductive questions we ask our kids really are nonproductive (“So, how was your day at school?”),

and kids are smart enough to know it. When an adult asks questions, children know what answers the adult expects. And that makes them more determined not to answer.

“But, Dr. Leman, how will I ever know anything about what’s going on with my child if I don’t ask questions?”

Put yourself in your child’s shoes for a minute. If, as soon as you opened your mouth, your parent turned into Judge Judy and gave you an edict, put your ideas down, and put
you
down, would you want to open your mouth?

Why not switch the paradigm? If you want your children to talk to you about anything, don’t ask questions. Instead, get quietly involved in their world. Talk about what they’re interested in—even if it’s not what you’re interested in.

For example, if your child likes a certain rock group you’re not crazy about, say, “I was thinking about that group the other day. I wonder if those guys in that band get along, if that guy with the far-out hairdo is as weird as he looks, and who the leader of the group is.”

If you meet your children on their interest level, they’ll be a lot more willing to talk. They’ll feel less alienated from you if you show interest in entering their world. By meeting them on their interest level, you’re saying, “I love you. I care about you. What interests you is of importance to me too.”

If your child makes a comment you think is shocking or ridiculous, instead of saying, “That’s the stupidest thing I ever heard,” which is probably your first inclination, instead say, “That’s interesting. Tell me more about that.”

By not asking questions, you’ll learn a lot more about your child and your child’s world.

Complaining

“He always goes into my room and messes it up.”