Haterz (22 page)

Authors: James Goss

Tags: #Fiction

BOOK: Haterz

3.35Mb size Format: txt, pdf, ePub

HotToddy84 [1.05AM]

Guys. This is serious. I’ve been kidnapped. Help. This is NOT A HOAX. I have been knocked unconscious and have woken up in a dark room. There is no door. There is no light. Just this old PC that can only connect to search.me. I have no mobile.

I need someone, anyone to CONTACT THE POLICE. URGENTLY.

HotToddy84 [1.06AM]

I need someone, anyone to CONTACT THE POLICE. URGENTLY.

Cantelooploop

^ REPORTED AS SPAM.

HotToddy84[1.07AM]

Look, I’ve found a webcam. This is a picture of me. I have been kidnapped. I NEED HELP.

DogTurdian

Seriously, man, what resolution is that? Is that like 1Megapixel?

99RedBalloons

search.me/BuyingANewWebcamGuide.

FitsHerbertTightly

Oh, and now he’s suddenly got a webcam #CriesWolf.

HotToddy84

So? I’ve got a webcam. What’s the problem?

FitsHerbertTightly

Sorry bub, still calling this FAKEYHOXYFAKE

HotToddy84

Its spelled ‘HOAX’ asshat.

FitsHerbertTightly

What’s an asshat?

99RedBalloons

www.google.co.uk+images=asshats.

DogTurdian

search.me/CanIWearAnAssHatToAscot.

BrianThePendant

*It’s.

HotToddy84[1.19AM]

I need someone, anyone to CONTACT THE POLICE. URGENTLY.

PurposelessPorpoise

What make of webcam?

HotToddy84

Get Fucked. Seriously.

PurposelessPorpoise

No. I am asking you seriously. I am trying to help u.

HotToddy84

I need you to call the police.

PurposelessPorpoise

Okay then Where are you?

HotToddy84

I DON’T KNOW.

PurposelessPorpoise

Fine. Then you may as well tell me what the make of your webcam is.

HotToddy84[1.25AM]

ANYONE. This is serious. I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED. Help. This is NOT A HOAX. I have been knocked unconscious and have woken up in a dark room. There is no door. There is no light. Just this old PC that can only connect to search.me. I have no mobile.

I need someone, anyone to CONTACT THE POLICE. URGENTLY.

I have no idea where I am. Three hours ago I was at bZzOff in Filzengraben in Cologne, Germany. I have been unconscious for at least 2 hours.

I have taken the attached picture of me on the webcam to prove that this is legit. The webcam driver says it is a PlayPlug rs259. It has a resolution of only 320x240px.

PLEASE. HELP ME.

PurposelessPorpoise

Cheers. Go to ‘settings’ on the Webcam Driver software. Under the tab ‘Flash’ enable the box ‘Flashlight Always On.’ There you go. Instant spotlight. Don’t thank me.

HotToddy84

THANK YOU!!!!

PurposelessPorpoise

I said don’t thank me.

TriaAnon

Can’t see your IP address. Can you post it? We can work out where you are from that?

HotToddy84

It says 0.0.0.0—guess routed through a proxy.

TriaAnon

Interesting. Possibly calls for a change in the search.me terms of use to make location mandatory.

88State

That wouldn’t help here.

TriAnon

No, but may help in other cases.

88State

TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE. Would completely undermine user anonymity.

TriAnon

But May Help. That’s all I’m trying to do.

88State

StateQuisling CyberPuppet.

HotToddy84 [1.41AM]

ANYONE. This is serious. I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED. Help. This is NOT A HOAX. I have been knocked unconscious and have woken up in a dark room. There is no door. Just this old PC that can only connect to search.me. I have no mobile. The only light I have is on the spotlight on the PlayPlug259 Webcam. I need someone, anyone to CONTACT THE POLICE. URGENTLY.

I have no idea where I am. Three hours ago I was at bZzOff in Filzengraben in Cologne, Germany. I have been unconscious for at least 2 hours. My IP address is routed through a proxy.

PLEASE. HELP ME. PLEASE. HELP ME. FOR GOD’S SAKE PLEASE. HELP ME.

HighHarry

Interesting. I had no idea the old PlayPlug259 had a spotlight feature. I must dig my old one out. Would you say it’s as bright as the iPhone light? #AheadOfItsTime

HotToddy84[1.47AM]

PLEASE. HELP ME. PLEASE. HELP ME. PLEASE. HELP ME.PLEASE. HELP ME. PLEASE. HELP ME. PLEASE. HELP ME. PLEASE. HELP ME. PLEASE. HELP ME. PLEASE. HELP ME.

I have no idea where I am. Three hours ago I was at bZzOff in Filzengraben in Cologne, Germany. I have been unconscious for at least 2 hours. My IP address is routed through a proxy.

PLEASE. HELP ME. PLEASE. HELP ME. PLEASE. HELP ME.

CALL THE POLICE.

HotToddy84 [1.49AM]

I am still kidnapped. I am in a dark room. There’s no way out. I don’t know where I am. I can only use search.me on this PC. I’ve no mobile. I may be at bZzOff in Filzengraben in Cologne, Germany, but I have no proof of this.

PLEASE. HELP ME. PLEASE. HELP ME. PLEASE. HELP ME. CALL THE POLICE. CALL THE POLICE. PLEASE.

HotToddy84

UPDATE: I’ve found a bomb.

Ipecack

Srsly????

DudeClasm

Too much.

HotToddy84

Here’s a photo:

Ipecack

Amazing. I think there’s a serious issue here.

MotherBrown

Yeah, from the looks of it, his browser’s IE6.

Ipecack [1.53AM]

The user HotToddy84 uploaded the following picture at 1.49 this morning. At first sight it seems to show an explosive device, but the central canister suggests that it is in fact a chemical weapon of some sort. What do you guys think?

IservedAtThePleasure

Yeah. Looks viable.

7Erberus

Holy shit!!!

Laylala

Need context PDQ.

HotToddy84[2.03AM]

I have been kidnapped and placed in a locked room with a suspected chemical weapon. It is counting down. I need urgent rescue.

QwerTea

Amazing, man. You are Schroedinger’s Cat and I claim my 10 bucks.

Oooo36

Wow. Problem solved. NOTIFY THE CATS!!!

[I’ve not included the next 36 hilarious cat pictures and gifs posted in reply]

HotToddy84[2.03AM]

I have been kidnapped and placed in a locked room with a suspected chemical weapon. It is counting down to go off at 3am. I am in Cologne, Germany. My last location was at bZzOff in Filzengraben in Cologne, Germany, but I have no proof that this is where I still am. Place call the police and emergency services and terrorist forces.

KnowHow

Seriously man, this is the internet. The secret services know already.

YesMan

Good point. Help is on the way.

HotToddy84

Have you called them?

HotToddy84[2.07AM]

I HAVE BEEN KIDNAPPED AND PLACED IN A LOCKED ROOM WITH A SUSPECTED CHEMICAL WEAPON. IT IS COUNTING DOWN TO GO OFF AT 3AM. LAST LOCATION BZZOFF IN FFILZENGRABEN IN COLOGNE, GERMANY, BUT I HAVE NO PROOF OF THIS.

I NEED THE POLICE AND EMERGENCY SERVICES AND TERRORIST FORCES ALERTING.

RutgrrrHowRU

Seriously man, caps lock off.

HotToddy84[2.10AM]

I have been kidnapped and placed in a locked room with a suspected chemical weapon. It is counting down to go off at 3am. I think I am at bZzOff in Filzengraben in Cologne, Germany, but I have no proof of this.

I need the police and emergency services and terrorist forces alerting. Please. I am shitsacred.

My69

Shit sacred? What are you doing? Taking a crap in a church?

HotToddy84[2.10AM]

What are you people not getting? I am TRAPPED in a room with A BOMB. I’m in COLOGNE, GERMANY. This could be a TERRORIST ATTACK. I need rescuing, the emergency services NEED to be informed. This is SERIOUS.

Waltever

Genuinely interested, how are you certain you’re in Cologne now?

HotToddy84

I’m not, but it seems most likely.

Waltever

Okay. Please repost amended.

HotToddy84[2.10AM]

What are you people not getting? I am TRAPPED in a room with A BOMB. I’m probably in COLOGNE, GERMANY. This could be a TERRORIST ATTACK. I need rescuing, the emergency services NEED to be informed. This is SERIOUS.

DaveWave

Okay. I’m calling them now. Can you post your GPS location?

HotToddy84

I don’t have it. I think I am at bZzOff in Filzengraben in Cologne, Germany. But I’m not certain.

Gertie

Oh, could be a trap. Like in
Batman Begins.

Susanvoratrelundar

You mean The Dark Knight

Gertie

Oh yeah <3 <3 <3 that film. Heath RIP :( #Ledge

HotToddy84[2.20AM]

Everyone on search.me.

I am TRAPPED in a room with A BOMB. I’m probably in COLOGNE, GERMANY. This could be a TERRORIST ATTACK. I need rescuing, the emergency services NEED to be informed. This is SERIOUS.

I think I am at at bZzOff in Filzengraben in Cologne, Germany. But I’m not certain. PLEASE INFORM POLICE OF POSSIBLE TERRORIST ATTACK.

Xanvier

Sure thing man. I’m on this right now.

HotToddy84

Thanks! Thank you so much.

Xanvier

I’ve called the police and they’re on their way to you.

HotToddy84

THANKS!!!

Xavier

Jokes.

HotToddy84

FUCK U YOU PIECE OF WORTHLESS SHIT.

HotToddy84[2.25AM]

Everyone on search.me.

I am TRAPPED in a room with A BOMB set to go off at 3AM. (pic attached)

I’m probably in COLOGNE, GERMANY. This could be a TERRORIST ATTACK. I need rescuing, the emergency services NEED to be informed.

This is SERIOUS. I am probably at bZzOff in Filzengraben in Cologne, Germany. But I’m not certain.

PLEASE INFORM POLICE OF POSSIBLE TERRORIST ATTACK.

MotherBrown

Seriously, petal, turn down the spam. Some of us are trying to talk about chutney recipes and you’re just All Over the feed.

Wander

Hi HotToddy84, I’ve looked at your picture of the bomb and there’s a really easy way to disarm it. Please look at
this link to a video
.

HotToddy84

Thanks.

Wander

Hahaah Rickrolled! :)

ExpletiveDeleted[2.32AM]

Hey Everyone!

I am COMPLETELY TRAPPED in a gingerbread house with A CAKE set to go off at 3AM. (pic of cake attached).

I’m totally in THE 11-ACRE WOOD. This could be a scheme by the Big Bad Wolf. Or a SHAMELESS PLEA FOR ATTENTION. I need help. PWEASE WON’T SOMEONE NOTICE ME. I’ve had to do a dump in a bag. I can upload a picture of this with my crummy old webcam.

PLEASE INFORM THE CATS.

Bolshoe78

^ Brilliant. This is why I love search.me.

JannyAnn

I have told the cats. I have told the cats. I have told the cats.

Billiant

Such bomb.

Many help.

Very cake.

So gingerbre3d.

Wow.

HotToddy84[2.40AM]