Hater 1: Hater (20 page)

    I use going to the toilet as an excuse to get up and get out of the room. I close the living room door behind me and lean up against it, relieved. The atmosphere in there was oppressive and the air out here is much cooler and fresher. I stumble down the hallway and pause at the front door. Should I go upstairs and check the streets again? What if the army is here already? How would it look if I opened the door and ran head-first into one of those patrols? They might think I was a Hater. Would they give me any chance to explain before aiming their rifles at me?

    I use the toilet then traipse towards Ed and Josh's room. I climb up onto Ed's bed like I did yesterday and stare out of the window for a while. I can't see anything. If I ignore the bodies then everything looks quiet, still and relatively normal out there. It's deceptive. Under the surface the whole world is tearing itself apart.

    My head hurts. I'm tired of thinking constantly about everything that's happening. I just want to switch off for a while.

    I roll over onto my back, close my eyes and wait for the knock at the door.

    I hear movement inside the flat, away from the safe room. Don't know how long I've been lying here on my own. Must have fallen asleep. I feel sick. I need to get a drink. I sit up, swing my legs out over the side of the bunk and climb down. My body aches as I stretch and stumble down the hallway.

    Someone's in the kitchen. I move closer and see through the open door that it's Harry. He's standing at the sink with his back to me, making a drink or washing up or something. I take a step through the door and into the room with him and then stop. Don't know why. Something's not right. I don't want to go any closer. I can taste something in the air and it makes me feel uneasy. No, it's more than that, it makes me feel unsafe. Harry stops what he's doing. Does he know I'm here? For what feels like forever neither of us moves. Then he slowly turns around. Is he…?

    Jesus Christ. I stare deep into the old man's eyes and I am frozen to the spot with fear. Can this be the same man? He glares back at me with cold, steely eyes filled with an inexplicable hate and disgust. I can sense his revulsion of me coming off him like a stench and I know that for some inexplicable but undeniable reason he wants me dead. He wants to destroy me. My legs become weak with nerves as I realise that the hate has finally arrived in my home.

    Harry moves suddenly and I react at speed. He takes just a single step forward but it's enough and I know that my life is in danger unless I act now. An overwhelming instinctive desire for self-preservation takes over as I move away from him. I look over to my right. On the worktop is our wooden knife-block. I grab the black-handled bread knife and pull it from the block like I'm unsheathing a sword. In a single movement I charge towards Harry and plunge it deep into his flesh, just above his waist. I put my other arm around him and pull him closer to me, forcing the blade deeper and deeper into his gut, twisting it round as I push it forward. I feel its serrated edge slice through his skin and cut through muscles, veins and arteries and I shove it deeper into him until the entire length of the knife has disappeared. I feel a sudden flow of hot blood as it gushes out over my hand and I let go of the knife and push Harry away. He trips back. His legs buckle beneath him and he collapses to the floor, smacking the back of his head against the oven door as he falls. I stand over him. He's still breathing but he won't last long now. I have to be sure that he's dead.

    There's a scream from the doorway - a shrill, ear-piercing yell - and I turn around and see Lizzie and the children. She looks at me with the same cold expression as her father and I sense the hate again. I pull the knife out from the dying man's gut and lunge towards her, knowing that she has to die too. She backs away, dragging the children out of the room with her. Edward and Josh stare angrily at me with as much hate as their mother.

    'Daddy!' Ellis screams. I look deep into my little girl's face and I know instantly that she's not like the others. She's like me. She hasn't changed. I run around the edge of the kitchen table and reach out for her but I'm too late. Her mother has already grabbed her by the scruff of her neck and has pulled her out of reach. Her tiny, tear-streaked face is filled with fear and shock and her eyes bulge wide as Liz yanks on her clothing, hauling her away from me. Ed glares at me. Even Josh despises me. My sons despise me and I know that I have to destroy them too.

    I hurl myself towards Lizzie again, knowing that I have to kill her before she can hurt me and before she can harm Ellis. She shouts at the children to move and they run down the hallway towards the living room. Edward pulls Josh's pushchair across the hall and I trip over it, ending up on my hands and knees. Before I can get up and get to the living room they slam the door shut. I hear the bolt click across.

    What the hell do I do now? How did this happen? How could my family turn against me so quickly? I have to forget about them and get to Ellis. She hasn't changed and I know that she needs me. I pick myself up and run at the door. I smash my shoulder into it but it doesn't move. I run back and charge it again and again and, the fifth time I hit it, I feel the bolt give way. I try to force the door open but it only moves a couple of inches. They've pushed furniture against it to stop me from getting inside. Why are they doing this to me?

    I hammer my fists against the door.

    'Ellis,' I shout. 'Ellis!'

    I can hear her. She's trapped in there. I can hear her screaming back at me. She's like me, not them, and she needs to be with me. She's not safe in there. I'm desperate. I can't leave her. I throw myself at the door again and the force of the impact shakes my whole body to the core.

    'Ellis!' I yell again. I can still just about hear her muffled reply.

    There has to be another way to get to her. The window. I'll get in through the living room window. I turn and run back down the hallway, past the body in the kitchen and out into the lobby. I push the front door open and burst out into the cold, rain-soaked world outside. Now that I'm out in the open I'm aware of noise all around me. I can hear the helicopters, the military trucks, gunshots and the sounds of people like me fighting to survive. It's like being in the middle of a war-zone. But this isn't the noise of one war being fought, it's hundreds of separate clashes. Hundreds, probably thousands of battles fought by people like me who've been turned on and betrayed.

    I'm at the living room window. I look inside. Lizzie is still piling furniture against the door. Edward spots me almost immediately and Lizzie shoves the children into the corner of the room. Ellis is trapped behind Edward and Josh but I can still see her. I can still see her face. She's crying and mouthing my name.

    I look around for something to use to smash the glass. There's a broken paving slab halfway down the path to the front door. I pick it up and manage to throw it through the window. The glass shatters and the noise is uncomfortably loud. I can hear their voices again now. I can hear Lizzie screaming at them to keep back and keep away from me. I drag myself up and climb through the window frame, feeling shards of glass digging into me and slicing my skin. The pain doesn't matter.

    I force my body through the window head first and collapse onto the carpet. I quickly get up but my footing is unsteady and I'm off-balance. Lizzie is running towards me. She has something in her hands - it's the metal tube from the vacuum cleaner. She swings it at me. I try to duck out of the way but I'm too slow and she hits me.

    A sudden burning, searing pain across my face.

    Blood pouring from my nose and into my mouth.

    Face down on the carpet. I can't…

    The living room is cold and silent. I slowly prise open my eyes. I don't think there's anyone else here. The pile of furniture has been moved and the door is open. Rain is blowing in through the smashed window and the backs of my legs are wet. I try to sit up but the pain is too much and I let myself fall back down again.

    How long have I been lying here?

    I start to remember what happened. I work my way backwards. I remember Lizzie hitting me. I remember the look of hatred on her face, matched only by the similar expressions on Edward and Josh's faces. I close my eyes and try to pull myself together. Watching my partner and children run from me and knowing that they have such hate for me hurts more than the physical pain I'm now feeling. I feel empty, betrayed and scared. I can't explain anything that's happened. I don't know why I killed Harry, I just know that I had to do it. I can't explain why almost my entire family turned against me so quickly and so completely. I can't explain why Ellis didn't turn either. Christ, I have to find her.

    I force myself to get up. My body hurts and every movement is difficult. Very slowly, using the arm of the sofa for support, I manage to stand. I catch sight of myself in the mirror that hangs over the gas fire. My right eye is black and swollen. One of my front teeth is loose and I can taste blood at the back of my throat. When I see the state of my face I start to really feel the pain. I drag myself into the kitchen and step over the body on the floor to get myself some water.

    That's better.

    The water is ice-cold and refreshing and it helps clear some of the dullness from my spinning head. I stand over the sink and wash my mouth out, spitting blood into the bowl. I stare into the pinky-red water and try not to look at Harry lying dead at my feet. What the hell happened? The kitchen floor is covered with his dark crimson blood. His lifeless eyes stare up towards the ceiling and I can feel them burning into me. I don't regret what I did - I had to kill him before he killed me - I just need to understand why…

    I turn off the tap and, apart from the occasional drip of water, the flat is otherwise silent. Could Lizzie have taken the children and hidden upstairs in one of the other apartments? I slowly walk towards the kitchen door, listening carefully. I know in my heart they've gone.

    Fuck.

    A sudden realisation hits me like a punch to the guts, more painful even than the physical and emotional blows I've already taken. Thinking about the flats upstairs has made me remember the body on the landing and the Hater's words to me when he lay there dying. 'Be ready for them,' he said to me, 'it's them, not us. You see everything clearly when it happens to you.' Jesus Christ, he looked at me and saw another Hater. I'm one of them. It's the only logical explanation. How could Harry, Lizzie, Edward and Josh all change at the same time? It stands to reason that I'm the only one who is any different. I can't explain how or why, but when I looked into their eyes I knew immediately that the others weren't like me and that they were a threat. I sensed revulsion coming off them. I looked at my family and I feared them and that explains why I did what I did and why so many others have killed before me. I had to attack them before they attacked me. All except Ellis...

    Keep calm I try to tell myself as I run down the hallway and go out into the lobby. I look out through the front door. Damn, my car has gone. Bloody hell, they've taken the car and now they could be anywhere. I'm struggling to think straight and my panic-induced nausea has returned. Keep calm, I say to myself again. Think logically. Where would they have gone? Their options are limited. They could have gone to Harry's house but that's unlikely with him lying dead on the kitchen floor. Most probably Lizzie will have taken them to her sister's place. I'll look for them there.

    I'm cold. My clothes are wet and are soiled with both Harry's blood and my own. I'll get changed, get some things together and then go and find Ellis. I don't know where we'll go once I get her back. We can't come back here. This place isn't safe anymore.

    I'm washed and changed and ready to go but I can't bring myself to leave. The reality of what has happened is finally hitting home. The adrenaline and nervous fear has disappeared and now I'm left feeling empty, confused and scared.

    I've realised I've lost everything.

    I'm standing in Edward and Josh's bedroom now just looking around. It's too painful… I can't put into words how this is making me feel. I know that my boys are within touching distance but somehow I also know that they're gone and I'll never be with them again. I pick up a toy - a piece of nothing, just a cheap plastic hamburger meal giveaway gift - and it fills me with pain. Josh had this about three weeks ago. Harry gave us some money. We were out late and we filled the kids up with fast food. It was the first time Josh had had a meal to himself. He was so proud of it. He spent more time playing with this bloody toy than he did eating his burger.

    I have to let them go.

    I go through to the bedroom that Lizzie and I shared and I pick the bag I've packed up off the bed. The wardrobe door is open. I look along Lizzie's clothes rail and all the different outfits I see remind me of so many times. It fills me with a gut-wrenching sadness. All the memories I have - every second of the life I've led since I first met her - suddenly means nothing.