Hate Me (Worthy Of Love series, #1) (4 page)

I slid down next to Lilly
. 'I'm so sorry,' I sobbed. In the background I was vaguely aware of the cuffs on my father. 'You have the right to remain silent. Anything you do or say....'

'I'm sorry Lilly,' I cried over her body.

I woke up shivering. I glanced at the alarm on the bedside. It was close to twelve in the midnight. I crept past Rene's room as I didn't want to wake her up. I went into the kitchen and poured water into the glass from the tap. I was still reeling from the same dream that had been plaguing me since the arrest of Walter Lowell. I drank and soothed my parched throat. I lift a shaky hand to my temples. I was drenched in sweat. I went into the bathroom, which was in between mine and Rene's room. I looked at myself in the mirror, which I seemed to do a lot these days. My eyes were still sunken and the dark circles under it appeared to be getting worse. I washed my face with cold water and brushed my teeth. I turned off the bathroom lights and nearly had a heart attack when I saw Rene sitting on the ground. I clutched my chest. 'You scared me!' I said in a gasp.

'Sorry,' Rene replied
. She stood up crossed one leg over the other. 'I need to pee.'

She playfully pus
hed me aside and made a mad dash for the toilet.

I returned to my bedroom and burrowed under the covers. I wasn't sure if it was just my imagination or not, but it seemed colder than usual.

Chapter Four

The next day I stood by myself at the bus shelter. My bus came after half an hour and by which time, several other people were also waiting with me. I showed the driver my ticket and sat in front of an elderly woman, and a girl I presumed to be her grandchild. The toddler pulled on my hair from behind. I had messily done it into one long braid and worn a hat on top to cover the lazy style. I turned around and smiled at the toddler. The elderly woman glared at me, which I thought was unnecessary. I hadn't been rude to the child. I turned back the front and felt another tug.

I dreaded visiting my mother. She
lived in a small, quiet suburb. When we first moved in, a few of the husbands helped us unload all of our things, with their wives looking on in jealousy. She had blatantly flirted with them, and in front of me, too. After that, the wives had firmly kept their husbands away from us, and we were put on some blacklist and nobody was to interact with us.

The forty five minute journey to my mother's house was lonely. Most people had gotten off and it was just me and the driver. At last
, it was my turn. I looked at the grey clouds as I walked up Seven Ways Avenue. From the corner of my eye, I saw curtains twitching. Our house was the last one, which meant every person got a good view of me. I hurried my step. The car in the driveway was a surprise as my mother didn't drive.

I shivered as I stood on the
front doorstep. I rang the bell twice before my mother’s current boyfriend, and soon to be husband answered. I had never met the bloke before. He had the whole salt and pepper thing going on, and he was quite handsome for an older man, but more important than that, he looked like a successful businessman: just her type.

‘Hello, you must be Amanda,’ he said.
‘I’m Gary. I’ve been looking forward to meeting you.’

I walked past him without a word.
I looked at my mother entertaining her boyfriend’s children and thought,
what a joke
. She’d never been a mother to me, not even when I needed her the most, and here she was, playing at the role like it was the most natural thing in the world. I thought about what Mr Sachsen said, about the world being a stage, a quote by Shakespeare that strangely rang true in my family.

‘Sit down, Amanda,’
my mother said with a false smile.

I sat down at the dinner table
with Gary’s children, a young girl and a boy. The girl’s name I soon found out was Becky and the boy was called Tom. They were three years apart, the girl was nine and the boy was just six. Tom smiled at me in a shy manner. I smiled back at him. Unfortunately my mother noticed.

'
Good, you’re getting along well,’ she said. ‘Gary and I are getting married.’

‘W-what does that mean?’ Tom asked.

‘It means they're going to live together and we'll have a new mummy and a new sister, stupid,’ Becky said.

‘Don’t call your brother stupid,’ Gary chastised
, but Tom was already crying.

'Sorry Tommy, don't cry. I won't call you stupid anymore.'

I watched with some degree of amusement. I didn't have any siblings. I was an unplanned accident, as my mother liked to remind me. She blamed me for ending her modelling career. She was my age when she fell pregnant. And then after she'd given birth to me, she couldn't retain her stick figure. The resentment built up over the years. She didn't particularly like the fact I was close with him
either
, before he betrayed us in the worst way possible.

My mother was thin now
and she might have been beautiful if she hadn't spent so much money on plastic surgery. Her big lips didn't suit the small frame of her face. It just made her look freakishly weird. I just couldn't understand what attracted men to her. It certainly wasn't her personality. Her short lasting relationships were a testament to that. Sooner or later, the men realised she was just using them for money.

I picked up my fork and separated the peas on one side and then ate some of the
salted fish. I left my plate full as I'd lost my appetite a while ago. I felt my mother scrutinising every one of my actions. I began on the Vanilla Ice cream for dessert and scooped some for myself. My stomach was tied in knots. I excused myself to the bathroom. Gary smiled politely, but my mother's eyes twitched. I locked myself in the bathroom and sat on the toilet lid. I needed to take a breather. I calmed my racing heart. I felt stuffy in there with my mother watching my every move, and Gary's daughter, Becky looking at me like I was already an older sister to be admired. I wasn't a role model and neither did I know much about children. The little things I did know were from my own experience. Children were precious and innocent, but they were also very fragile as well. I thought of Lilly then, how easily her spirit had been broken before her murder. I had known something was up, but in my selfishness I hadn't asked. I'd been too concerned with being her number one best friend and not allowing Jennifer to take that spot from me.

The knock on the bathroom startled me. 'Just a minute,' I called out. I flushed the toilet and ran the tap for a short while in pretence. I opened the toilet door. My mother
was waiting for me on the other side with her arms crossed.

'What are you playing at?' she hissed.

'I'm not doing anything,' I replied.

'Get back out there and make an effort,' she said.
She attempted to drag me by hand as if I were an insolent child.

'I'm not a baby,' I whispered, pulling away from her.

She twisted away from me and marched with her high heels, clicking with every angry step.

The two of us returned to the dining room
. She tugged her top down. Any lower and her boobs would pop out. She was so disgusting, showing cleavage in front of the children. Luckily, Becky and Tom were interested in having more Ice cream.

'Amanda,' Gary said, 'I know I haven't gotten
a chance to get to know you. I'm not trying to be your father and I don't expect you to call me Dad, but if you want to in the future, you're more than welcome to. I guess what I'm trying to say is...I would like to be a part of your family. Is that okay?'

I shrugged. I wasn't trying to be rude or anything, but Gary seemed like a decent guy and he could
do much better than my mother. And so could his children. What could be worse than having my mother as their stepmother?

'Amanda,' Mum said through
gritted teeth. 'Gary asked you a question.'

I saw the way she was so desperate. 'Do you love him?' I asked.

My mother gave me that,
What the hell are you doing
look I was familiar with. She giggled nervously and played with the gold necklace I assumed was a recent present from Gary. He put a supportive arm around her. His eyes told me all I needed to know. They were so sad. Gary had strong feelings for my mother, and worse, he knew she didn't feel the same way.

'Jus
t do whatever you want,' I said, scraping my chair back. I'd had enough of playing happy families.

'Amanda Melody
Lowell, you come back here right now!' she shouted.

I just kept walking and once I was outside, I called Rene to pick me up.
Despite my mother's words, she didn't chase after me. I had made an appearance and met Gary, my potential stepfather. I briefly wondered what she was telling him about me and then realised I didn't care either way. I sat on the front doorstep and rubbed my cold hands together.

Rene came like I knew she would. I got inside her car without a word. She didn't ask me what was wrong even though I knew she was dying to ask. The drive back to the campus was silent.

I was lost in thought. At least this time, Mum was building a life with a man who seemed nice enough and harmless enough. I knew better than to judge by appearances. How could my mother have not realised what a monster
he
was? I refused to call him Dad, Father or anything else that indicated we were related. As far as I was concerned I didn't have a dad. I hoped he was rotting in jail where he belonged for the rest of his life.

Rene took us into the free parking lot before shutting off the engine. I
got out of the car and waited for her.

'I've going to speak to Lewis for a bit
,' Rene said. 'Can you return this to the library for me?'

'Sure, no problem,' I said, taking the book from her.

'Thanks,' Rene replied.

I said goodbye and waved. I hurried to the library which was nearby. I flashed my I.D card at the security men.
The inside of the library was cosy and warm. It was packed with students using the computers, including a few faces I recognised: Scott and Matt from my drama class. I attempted a small smile, but gave up when they looked away from me. So they knew who I was.
How many people would Jennifer turn away from me
? I returned the book to the library assistant and as I was obviously unwelcome, I made a hasty exit. As soon as I was outside, I felt the first few drops of rain. It soon turned into a shower. I was shivering underneath my waist length coat. The material allowed the rain to seep through. The last person I wanted to see was Jack. I attempted to move past him. He blocked me with his body. Jack seemed angrier than I'd ever seen him. 'Is it fun?' he asked in a strange tone.

'Jack, I have no idea what you're talking about,' I said.
I was tired from having to deal with my mother. I just wanted to get back to my room and snuggle under the bed covers.

Jack took his hood off and revealed a pained expression.
I had never seen him so hurt and sad and I knew why. Jack had never let me see anything other than hate. I wondered if he even knew what he was showing me. In that moment, I wanted to comfort him desperately, even though I knew Jack didn't want me breathing the same air as him, let alone touching him. I left my hands fisted at my sides as Jack stepped closer.

'Telling everyone about my sister!' Jack whispered in a deadly voice. 'Is thi
s some kind of sick claim to fame? What game are you playing?'
I guess Jennifer hadn't realised I wouldn't be the only person affected by her big mouth. In trying to hurt me, she had hurt Jack. I looked at Jack underneath my wet lashes. The rain poured harder on us.

'Why would I do that?' I flung
back at him. 'Do you think I want everyone knowing about Lilly?'

'Don't say h
er name!' Jack said brokenly.

'Fine, I won't say her name,' I replied. 'You need to stop accusing me of thin
gs you have no proof of. There are other people on campus who know besides me and you.' I wasn't going to spell out Jennifer's name. Jack had to work it out for himself. 'And they're trying to get at me – '

Jack laughed mercilessly. 'It's always about you, isn't it?'

'Jack it's not like that – '

'I'm not going to be
lieve a word you say,' he said, coldly cutting me off.

Jack put his hood back on and left me standing in front of the
library. I don't know how I long I stood there, letting the rain soak me fully, as if it could wash away my sins. I finally forced my legs to move. My teeth chattered as I went up to our dorm room. I let myself in with a key.

Rene jumped from the couch when she saw me. 'You
must be freezing,' she said.

I changed out of my wet clothes and into clean, dry clothes. Rene wrapped a blanket around me and made something hot to drink.
I held the cup of cocoa in my hands and blew over the top.

Rene sipped from her own cup. 'Do you want to talk about it
?' she asked.

'Not really, no,' I replied.

To take my mind of things, I cooked us spaghetti Bolognese. My smile was forced and we both knew it, but Rene didn’t say anything about it, and let me keep up the cheerful charade.
‘How are classes?’ Rene asked.
She was studying Physics, which I absolutely had no clue about. As I had to drop out of school, I knew nothing about the sciences. I’d barely managed to scrape a C. I wasn’t good at anything apart from English and drama.