Harry Putter and the Chamber of Cheesecakes (7 page)

            “Oh my God, it is Harry!” said a shocked Hermione.

            “Hand it over, Maldoy!” shouted Ron.

            “I said, get lost, Cheesley!” Faco shouted back. 

            Ron decided to go for his wand first and get the upper hand on Maldoy before Maldoy got his wand out and got the upper hand on him.  “Ha HA! I’ve got you now, Maldoy!” he said triumphantly.

            However, Maldoy was so close to Ron in the small aisle that he reached out quickly with one hand, pinched the end of Ron’s wand, and twisted it firmly upward.  With a snap, the tip of the wand broke and dangled from the end of Ron’s wand.  Ron was too slow as he said the entire magic command, “It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken.”  It was too late.  The sudden burst of power from the broken wand caused a flash of light and a fizzling pop. 

            Ron said, “No, OH!  Wand my broke you.” 

            Maldoy laughed at the gibberish, “You always were a backward sort, Cheesley.”  But his laughing was cut short when Hermione’s knee met his groin.  He collapsed to the floor and started moaning like a banshee with a hangover. 

            Hermione unzipped the suitcase, and a hot and sweaty Harry Putter rolled out.  He was quite relieved to finally get a breath of fresh air.  He stretched out his stiff legs.

“Harry, what are you doing in there?” she asked.

            “?Suitcase that in get you did how” asked Ron.

            Harry looked at Ron puzzled.

            “The Dirtleys kidnapped me!  They knocked me out, packed me in that suitcase, and put me in the baggage compartment.  When I came to, I didn’t know where I was.  I couldn’t reach my wand, so I called for help.  Unfortunately, Maldoy found me first.

            “All after year this school to going you’re like looks,” said Ron. 

            They all laughed, but only Ron’s sounded like, “Ah, Ah, Ah!”

            Harry stood alone and unnoticed for a moment in the entrance to the Great Eatery.  Ron had gone immediately to the hospital wing to take care of his speech impediment.  Hermione had accompanied him.  She explained, “Just in case Madame Pomfrite doesn’t understand him when he talks.” 

            The students were assembling in the Great Eatery, which was decked out in banners and flags for each of the four Noble Houses at Hogwashes.  The ceiling showed what it was like outside, a clear evening with stars beginning to shine, which had nothing to do with the actual weather outside, nor did it predict the weather tomorrow.  The ceiling had been broken for years, and was useless as it always predicted yesterday’s weather.  Still it did make a nice decoration, and made the Great Eatery seem even larger than it actually was. 

            The hall was lit by detached floating florescent light bulbs.  A few of them flickered annoyingly.  The lights cast a purplish hue on everyone’s skin, making all look morbidly depressing.  In some cases, it was difficult to tell the living from the dead, especially since the dead were among the living.  Several phantoms, ghosts, full torso apparitions, washed-up television stars, zombies, mummies, and poltergeists were interspersed among those in attendance, intermixed with the students collectively sitting at four long rows of tables, one for each of the Houses. 

            At the tables for the Athletic Jock House, students were wearing sweatpants and jerseys and busied themselves with horseplay or were talking excitedly about sport events and statistics.  Peeved the Poltergeist yanked Michael Coronary’s sweatpants down to his ankles unexpectedly, revealing his green briefs for all to see.  Coronary yanked them back up as he turned mottled purple, flushing.  Then Harry spotted Yu Rang and his heart skipped a beat.  He hadn’t seen her since school let out.  Even in this light, he thought she looked… well, yeah, he admitted, even she looked gruesome in this light.  However, hers was a wonderful kind of gruesome that made butterflies dance in his stomach.

            Meanwhile at the tables reserved for the Popular Rich Kids House students were mostly talking on cell phones, or admiring each other’s taste in new designer clothes.  (Cell phones were a topic of much debate among the wizarding community.  The muddles had outdone them, and the wizards to their shame couldn’t come up with anything that could compete with convenience, ease, and clarity of a cell phone.  Hence, young wizards and witches were using cell phones everywhere these days, much to the distaste of generations of their elders.)  Quite a few were catching up on the latest gossip stories from the summer.  The most popular of the ghosts, the charismatic Muddy-Cruddy Baron, was telling one of his war stories to a group that had gathered around him listening fascinated.  He could tell a good tale.

            At the tables for The Nerd House, students looked nervous, and a few were playing practical jokes on one another.  Some were busy discussing that year’s Tea Cup Tournament.  Others were talking about Star Trek.  Many were reading.  Nearly-Earless Nick was making his friendly rounds among the Nerds, asking each about their summer.  He was quite jealous of the Baron because he had such great tales to tell, and told them so well.  Nick competed in his own way, for he had a wonderful personality, and was an excellent conversationalist.

                        The Party Animal House students were just starting to come to life this early in the evening.  Quite a few were obviously asleep.  One could hear the fizz of Alka Seltzer from glasses in front of those who had hangovers from partying extremely hard on their last night of summer.  Most of the Party Animals wore dark sunglasses, the symbol of their noble house, which hid their eyes.  Even their undead had adopted the habit of wearing dark sunglasses indoors.  Cries of “DUDE!” rang out as Charlie Cartuffle approached them.  Charlie was so cool.  Everyone thought so.  He was so at ease with his own popularity, which only contributed to his aura of coolness.  Harry was inwardly jealous.  He never felt at ease with his own popularity, he felt like a dork most of the time.  Comparing Harry to Charlie was a lot like comparing Nearly Earless Nick to the Muddy Cruddy Baron.   

            There was one other set of tables, across the front of the room, where the teachers were gathering and chatting about their summer activities, and how short the break always was.  Professor Ape, the head of the Popular Rich Kids House and Poisons class teacher, was talking with Professor Snout, who taught how to find roots and truffles in the forest, that is, The Forbidden Forest of Sure Death.  Gildersneeze Farthard was there too, talking with Cubious Hasbeen, the groundskeeper and manager of the Magical Creatures Petting Zoo in the back of the school.  Mrs. Tickwick and Mrs. Fatfree had their heads together whispering.  The centaur, Frenzy, who taught Astro-numerology stood a hoof and aloof nearby.  The teachers too were not without their undead.  Professor Binge, the History of Magic teacher, had died from over-eating (his stomach exploded), yet refused to give up teaching in his non-corporeal form. 

            Slightly less conspicuous were the teachers that were missing.  The Head of Hogwashes, Elvis Grumblesnore wasn’t there yet, nor was Professor McGooglesnot, the Head of the Nerd House, nor the School Custodian, Belch.  Grumblesnore most likely was waiting to make his grand entrance.  McGooglesnot would be busy readying the first year students.  The absence of Belch however, probably meant he had caught someone breaking a rule already, was out patrolling the dungeons for mischief-makers, or was cleaning up vomit somewhere.

            Immediately in front of the teacher’s table was a stool with a big black hat on it.  The Snorting Hat, which all the students were familiar with, was used on the first day of each school year.  Soon Professor McGooglesnot would lead the preschool students in, and place the Snorting Hat on each of their heads.  The Snorting Hat would quickly absorb the details of the most embarrassing thing that ever happened to them, and inform everyone present while make snorting sarcastic and derisive remarks.  Some were fortunately quickly forgotten, while others were never to be let go.  Some endured nicknames that stuck for the rest of their lives, like “Crybaby Peepants” Jones or “King Klutz” Kingly.  The information was used to decide what house the person belonged in.  McGooglesnot inevitably taking the students no other house would take into the Nerd House.

            Suddenly, the room became quiet as the gathered crowd finally noticed Harry in the entrance.  Harry saw the dagger-like stares of the entire room focused on him. 

            “The letters were forged!  I’m not a cheater!” he yelled.  The crowd booed and hissed while throwing silverware and cups at him.  (Had food been served, he would have been covered with it.)  He took his regular seat at the Nerds table, and kept his head down. 

            A sudden fanfare split the air, and Elvis Grumblesnore performed, “I’m All Shook Up” using the teacher’s table as a stage.  His robe and conical hat were covered with rhinestones that winked brilliantly in the spotlight.  His long white beard swooped as he gyrated his hips.  As he finished singing, he slid across the table on his knees to much delighted clapping, cheering, and whistling.  Elvis got up off his knees and when the cheering died down said, “I have a few words to say!” 

            The cheers immediately rose again.  Many of the girls were screaming.  When it finally died back down, he drawled, “Thank you very much!”   The room erupted in shrieks from the female students.  One teacher fainted. 

            “I would like to begin by welcoming this year’s new students.  We will then enjoy a meal together, and at the conclusion of tonight’s affair, I will go over this year’s House Cup Rules.  So without further adieu, let’s have a warm welcome for this year’s crop of new students.”

            Elvis led the applause as the preschool students filed in, lead by Professor McGooglesnot.  She called up the first new student to be snorted, “Seymour Butz.”

            When all the preschool children had all been sufficiently snorted at and placed in their houses, the feast commenced.  Elvis clapped his hands and food appeared on golden plates as if by magic.  Everyone collectively oohed and ahhed at the scrumptious looking feast.  There were blast-end toot chops and applesauce, hot fairy wings, and bogglethwart alfredo, along with many fantastic side dishes.  The older children waited as the new students were all given the chance to serve themselves first.  Everyone had a good laugh as the first year students tried to take the food.  Their hands passed right through it.  As real as it all looked, it was all an elaborate illusion; none of it was real. 

            After a while Elvis composed himself, wiped a tear from his eye, and stood up.  “I’m sorry, children, that little joke always cracks me up.  At the end of the year we will hold a feast just like this, only with real food.  Do not fret, you will all be fed nutritious meals until then, starting right now.  Henry our head Kitchen-Elf has prepared a very nice…. ummm …noodley meatish dish for tonight.  SLOP ‘EM, HENRY!”

            Several Kitchen-Elves wearing empty sacks of flour or rice wheeled a huge vat out from the service entrance.  It was filled with a pasty looking casserole.  Henry scooped out a baseball-sized lump from the vat and splorked it into the first child’s bowl, then continued quickly up and down the tables dolling out lumps of dinner to the children.  A lot of kids just started eating.  Others, without a word of complaint, ignored their dish.  One preschool student looked at the gray lumps of meat in their neighbor’s bowl, and said, “But I’m a vegetarian!” 

            Henry, without looking at the child, slopped ‘em a portion and said, “That’s alright, it’s not really meat,” then moved to fill the next child’s bowl.  Henry didn’t bother serving the Popular Rich Kid’s table, as none of them ever ate the food he prepared.  Nor did he serve the Party Animal’s table, as they only used his meals to start food fights.  There had been a terrible one last year.  Those two houses subsisted almost entirely on delivery.

            At last, Ron and Hermione arrived.  When Hermione saw that dinner had just started, she said, “Darn, I thought we might have missed it.”

            Harry was one of the few who actually liked the food.  It was edible, and he had subsisted on far less to eat for so long, that he quite enjoyed any food, no matter how unpalatable it was.  As a matter of fact, the more unpalatable it was, the more likely there would be more for him to eat, or in some cases, more than he could eat.  Friends often offered him theirs, when they just weren’t hungry enough.

            Nearly Earless Nick approached Harry.  “Welcome back, Mr. Putter!”

            “It’s good to be back, Nick,” Harry replied.  “How have you been?”

            “Most fantoobulus,” said Nick, “but I hear that there is a conspiracy to kill you, young man.”

            At this, Harry choked.  When he had recovered, he whispered, “Why, yes, I suppose there is.”

            “Exciting!  Tell me, do you have a plan to thwart them?”

            “Yes, I plan to stay alive,” Harry said sarcastically.

            “Brilliant!” Nick shouted.  “The Muddy Cruddy Baron is taking bets that you’ll snuff it by the end of this year, he’s offering four to one odds.  I think I’ll take that wager, put a bit of life force on the table, if you will.  Good luck to you, Harry.”

            “Good luck to you, too,” Harry replied.  He couldn’t think of a time he had said something and meant it more.

            When the repast was over, Grumblesnore stood once again.  “Well, thank God that stupid hat didn’t try to sing a song again this year, what?  What?”  There was a smatter of polite applause.

            “For our new students, I call your attention to this year’s House Cup rules.  Each year we hold a contest.  The house that earns the most points wins the contest.  You earn points in the following ways.  Number one, by being a good student and answering questions correctly in class.  Teachers will award points to the students.  They can also subtract points for misbehavior in their classrooms.  Two, playing quibbage.  Each house’s team earns points on the quibbage field, a victory in an official match will count as 25 points toward your house total.  Three, by obeying the school safety rules.  Our Perfects will help ensure that you do, by subtracting points from your house for misconduct in the halls.  A list of all school rules is posted in each of the houses’ Common Rooms.  I strongly suggest you read and live them.  And four, by staying out of The Forbidden Forest of Sure Death.  Should any student enter The Forbidden Forest of Sure Death, not only will they surely perish, but their body will most likely be unrecoverable, and more importantly, your house will lose ten points for each member who dies without approval.  Any questions?”

            One newly snorted preschool girl with flaming orange hair stood up at the Party Animal table.  It was little Suzanne Cheesley.

            A murmur ran through the audience. 

            “Yes?” Grumblesnore encouraged.

            “Like, what’s the prize for winning?”

            “Prize?  Why what prize could be greater than the pride you will feel should your house win such a coveted trophy?”

            “Oh, so, like, there’s no prize then?”

            “No,” Grumblesnore chewed his lip in anger, “there is no other reward.”