Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality (64 page)

War in water. You couldn’t defend a perimeter, attackers could come at you from any direction, and even with the potion you couldn’t see very far in the darkness of the lake.

And if you swam too far away from the action, you would start to glow after a while, and be easy to hunt down - ordinarily if an army scattered and ran instead of fighting, Professor Quirrell would just declare them defeated; but today they were working on a points system. Of course you still had some time
before
you started to glow, if you wanted to play assassin.

Dragon Army had been set low in the water at the start of the game; above and far away, the distant underwater moon shone. The murky water was mostly lit by
Lumos
Charms, though his soldiers would extinguish the lights as soon as they began maneuvers. There was no point in letting the enemy see you before you saw them.

Draco kicked his legs a few times, propelling him to a higher position from which he could gaze down at where his soldiers hovered in the water.

The conversations died down almost at once under Draco’s icy glare, his soldiers looking up at him with gratifying expressions of fear and worry.

“Listen to me very carefully,” said General Malfoy. His voice came out a little lower, a little burbly with bubbles,
libsten to me vebwy caerbfully
, but the sound traveled clearly. “There’s only one way we can win this. We’ve got to march on Sunshine together with Chaos, and beat Sunshine.
Then
we fight it out with Potter and win. That’s
got
to happen, understand? No matter what else goes on, that part
has
to happen that way -”

And Draco explained the plan he and Harry had come up with.

Astonished looks were exchanged among the soldiers.

“- and if any of
your
plots get in the way of that,” finished Draco, “after we are out of the water, I will set you on
fire
.”

There was a nervous chorus of yessirs.

“And everyone with secret orders, make sure you carry them out
to the letter,
” said Draco.

Around half his soldiers
openly nodded,
and Draco marked them for death after he rose to power.

Of course all the private orders were fake, like one Dragon being told to offer a false traitor’s commission to another Dragon, and the second Dragon being told in hushed confidence to report anything said by the first Dragon. Draco had told each Dragon that the whole war could depend on that one thing, and that he hoped they understood it was more important than the plans they’d previously made. With luck that would keep all the idiots happy, and maybe flush out a few spies to boot, if the reports didn’t match the instructions.

Draco’s real plan for winning against Chaos… well, it was simpler than the one he’d burned, but Father still wouldn’t have liked it. Despite trying, though, Draco hadn’t been able to think of anything better. It was a plot that couldn’t
possibly
have worked against anyone except Harry Potter. In fact it had
been
Harry’s plan originally, according to the traitor, though Draco had guessed that without being told. Draco and the traitor had just modified it a little…

Harry took a deep breath, feeling the water gurgle harmlessly in his lungs.

They’d fought in the forest, and he hadn’t gotten a chance to say it.

They’d fought in the corridors of Hogwarts, and he hadn’t gotten a chance to say it.

They’d fought in the air, broomsticks issued to every soldier, and it still hadn’t made sense to say it.

Harry had thought he wouldn’t ever get to say those words, not while he was still young enough for them to be real…

The Chaos Legionnaires were looking at Harry in puzzlement, as their general swam with his feet pointing up toward the distant light of the surface, and his head pointed down toward the murky depths.

“
Why are you upside down?
” the young commander shouted at his army, and began to explain how to fight after you abandoned the privileged orientation of gravity.

A hollow, booming bell echoed through the water, and on the instant, Zabini and Anthony and five other soldiers struck out downward, into the murky depths of the lake. Parvati Patil, the only Gryffindor in the group, turned her head back for a moment and gave them all a cheery wave as she dived; and after a moment, Scott and Matt did the same. The rest just sank and vanished.

General Granger swallowed a lump in her throat as she watched them go. She was risking everything on this, dividing her army instead of just trying to take as many enemy soldiers with them as possible.

The thing to realize, Zabini had told her, was that no army would move until they had a plan that let them expect victory. Sunshine couldn’t just plan to win themselves, they had to make both other armies
think
they would win until it was too late.

Ernie and Ron still looked like they were in shock. Susan was gazing after the disappearing soldiers with a calculating look. Her army, what was left of it, just looked bewildered, traceries of light dappling on their uniforms as they all drifted just below the sunlit surface of the lake.

“
Now
what?” said Ron.

“Now we wait,” said Hermione, loudly enough for all the soldiers to hear. It felt odd to talk with her mouth full of water, she kept feeling like she was committing some sort of horrible impoliteness at the dinner table and was about to drool all over herself. “All of us left here are going to get zapped, but that was going to happen anyway with Dragon and Chaos ganging up on us. We’ve just got to take as many of them with us as we can.”

“I’ve got a plan,” said one of her Sunshine Soldiers… Hannah, her voice had been a little hard to recognize at first. “It’s like all complicated, but I know how we can get Dragon and Chaos to start fighting each other -”

“Me too!” said Fay. “I’ve got a plan too! See, Neville Longbottom is secretly on our side -”

“
You
were talking to Neville?” said Ernie. “That’s not right,
I
was the one who -”

Daphne Greengrass and a couple of other Slytherins who hadn’t gone with Zabini were giggling helplessly as the cries of “No, wait,
I
was the one who got Longbottom” erupted from one soldier after another.

Hermione just looked at them all wearily.

“Okay,” said Hermione when it had all died down, “does everyone get it? All your plots were faked by the Chaos Legion, or maybe some by Dragon. Anyone who
really
wanted to betray Harry or Malfoy went straight to me or Zabini, not you. Just go ahead and compare notes on all your secret plots and you’ll see it for yourselves.” She might not be as good at plotting as Zabini, but she could always understand what all her officers told her, that was why Professor Quirrell had made her the general. “So don’t bother trying to do any plots when the other armies get here. Just fight, okay? Please?”

“But,” said Ernie with shock on his face, “Neville is in
Hufflepuff!
You’re saying he
lied
to us?”

Daphne was laughing so hard and so helplessly that the exhalations had turned her upside down in the water.

“I’m not sure
what
Longbottom is,” said Ron darkly, “but I don’t think he’s a Hufflepuff any more. Not now that
Harry Potter’s
got to him.”

“Do you know,” said Susan, “I
asked
him that, and Neville told me he had become a Chaos Hufflepuff?”

“
Anyway
,” said Hermione in a loud voice. “Zabini took with everyone who we thought was a spy, so in
our
army we can stop watching each other quite so hard now, I hope.”

“
Anthony
was a spy?” yelled Ron.

“
Parvati
was a spy?” gasped Hannah.

“Parvati was
totally
a spy,” said Daphne. “She shopped at the spy shoe store and wore spy lipstick, and someday she’s going to marry a nice spy husband and have a lot of little spies.”

And then a gong sound echoed through the water, indicating that Sunshine had just scored two points.

This was shortly followed by the triple gong of Dragon losing a single point.

Traitors weren’t allowed to kill generals, not after the disaster of the first battle in December when all three generals had been shot in the first minute. But with any luck…

“Aw,” said Hermione. “It sounds like Mr. Crabbe is taking a little nap.”

Like two shoals of fish, the armies swam along.

Neville Longbottom kicked his feet in slow, measured motions. Diving, always diving in whatever direction you happened to be moving. You wanted to show the enemy the smallest profile, present them with your head or your feet. So you were always diving, downward and head-first, and the enemy was always
down.

Like every Chaos Legionnaire in the army, Neville’s head was constantly rotating as he swam, looking up, down, around, to every side. Not just watching for Sunshine Soldiers, but watching for any sign that a Chaos Legionnaire had drawn their wand and was about to betray them. Usually traitors waited until the confusion of battle to make their move, but that early gong had put them all on guard.

…the truth was, Neville was feeling sad about that. In November he’d been a soldier in a united army, all of them pulling together and helping each other, and now they were all watching each other constantly for the first signs of betrayal. It might have been more fun for General Chaos, but it wasn’t nearly as much fun for Neville.

The direction formerly known as ‘up’ was getting steadily brighter, as they came closer to the surface and Sunshine.

“Wands out,” said General Chaos.

Neville’s squad drew their wands, pointing them straight ahead toward the enemy, as their heads scanned around more rapidly. If there were Sunny traitors, the time was approaching for them to strike.

The other shoal of fish, Dragon Army, was doing the same thing.

“
Now!
” shouted the distant voice of the Dragon General.

“
Now!
” shouted General Chaos.

“
For Sunshine!”
shouted all the soldiers in both armies, and charged downward.

“
What?
” said Minerva involuntarily as she watched the screens from next to the lake, a cry echoed in many other places; all of Hogwarts was watching this battle as they had watched the first.

Professor Quirrell was laughing dryly. “I warned you, Headmaster. It is impossible to have rules without Mr. Potter exploiting them.”

For long precious seconds, as the forty-seven soldiers charged her own seventeen, Hermione’s mind went blank.

Why…

Then it all snapped into place.

Every time a soldier originally from Sunshine got shot by someone crying the name of Sunshine, she would lose a Quirrell point. When two Sunshine Soldiers were shot by either army,
both
enemy armies would be two points closer to overtaking her, it was the same gain only
shared
. And if anyone shot another soldier
not
in the name of Sunshine, that gong
wouldn’t
get lost in the confusion…

Hermione was suddenly very glad that Zabini hadn’t gone with the obvious plan of starting trouble between the other two armies while they attacked Sunshine.

It was still disheartening, though, that sense of your chances closing down, of hope being taken away.

Most of Hermione’s soldiers were still looking confused, but some had expressions of dawning horror as they got it.

“It’s all right,” Susan Bones said firmly. Heads turned to look at the Sunshine Captain. “Our job is the same, to take as many of them with us as we can. And remember, Zabini took away all the spies! We don’t have to stay on the lookout like
they
do!” The girl was smiling defiantly, provoking answering smiles from many of the other soldiers, even from Hermione herself. “It can be like it was in November. We just have to keep our heads high, fight our best, and trust each other -”

Daphne shot her.

“
Blood for the blood god!
” shrieked Neville of Chaos, though since he was underwater it came out more like ‘Blubbled for the blubbled glub!’

Captain Weasley spun and raised his wand toward Neville and fired. But Neville was swimming
downward
toward him, wand pointed straight ahead, and that meant the Simple Shield could shelter Neville’s entire profile; if anyone shot him now, it wasn’t going to be Sunny Ron.

A grimly determined look came over Captain Weasley’s face, and he arrowed straight up toward Neville, mouthing the word
Contego,
though the shield wasn’t visible in the water.

The two enemy champions shot toward each other like arrows released from bows, each aimed to split the other down the middle. They had dueled many times before, but this time would pay for all.

(Far away by the lakeside, a hundred breaths were held.)

“
Rainbows and unicorns!
” roared the Sunshine Captain.

“
The Black Goat with a thousand young!
”

“
Do your homework!
”

Closer and yet closer, the two champions charged, neither willing to swerve, the first person to turn would present a vulnerable broadside and get shot, though if neither lost their nerve they would crash right into each other…

Falling straight down as the enemy rose straight up to meet him, hammer descending to meet anvil in a path neither was willing to leave…

“
Special attack, Chaotic Twist!
”

Neville saw the look of horror on Captain Weasley’s face as the Hover Charm caught him. They’d tested it before the battle had started; and just as Harry had suspected,
Wingardium Leviosa
became a whole new sort of weapon once everyone was swimming underwater.

“
Curse you, Longbottom!
” shrieked Ron Weasley, ”
Can’t you ever fight without your dumb special attacks -
”

and by that time the Sunshine Captain had been spun around sideways and Neville shot him in the leg.

“I don’t fight fair,” said Neville to the sleeping form, “I fight like Harry Potter.”