Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality (149 page)

SYSTEM ERROR.

You know what?
said Internal Consistency Checker.
You’re stupid.

I didn’t say no,
thought Harry.
I was just saying SYSTEM ERROR.

I vote for destroying Azkaban,
said Gryffindor.
It needs to be done anyway.

Really, really stupid,
said Internal Consistency Checker.
Oh, screw this, I’m assuming control of our body.

The boy took a deep breath, and opened his mouth -

By this point Harry Potter had entirely forgotten the existence of Professor McGonagall, who had been sitting there this whole time undergoing a number of interesting changes of facial expression which Harry had not been looking at because he was distracted. It would have been overly harsh to say that Harry had forgotten her because he did not consider her a PC. It could be more kindly said that Professor McGonagall was not visibly a solution to any of his current problems, and therefore she was not part of the universe.

So Harry, who at this point had a fair amount of adrenaline in his bloodstream, startled and jumped quite visibly when Professor McGonagall, her eyes now blazing with impossible hope and the tears on her cheek half-dried, leapt to her feet and cried, “
With me, Mr. Potter!
” and, without waiting for a reply, tore down the stairs that led to the bottom platform where waited a chair of dark metal.

It took a moment, but Harry ran after; though it took him longer to reach the bottom, after Professor McGonagall vaulted half the stairs with a strange catlike motion and landed with the astonished-looking Auror trio already pointing their wands at her.

“Miss Granger!” cried Professor McGonagall. “Can you speak yet?”

Much as with Professor McGonagall, there was a certain sense in which it could be said that Harry had forgotten about the existence of Hermione Granger, because Harry had been tilting his neck back to look upward rather than downward, and because he hadn’t considered her a solution to any of his current problems. Though it was hardly certain, in fact it wasn’t at all probable, that Harry remembering to look at Hermione or think about what she must be feeling, would have helped anything in the slightest.

Harry reached the bottom of the stairs and saw Hermione Granger full on -

Without thinking, without being able to help himself, Harry shut his eyes, but he’d seen.

Her school robes around her neck, soaked all the way through with tears.

The way she’d been looking away from
him
.

And the eye of memory and sympathy, which could not be shut, which could not look away, knew that Hermione had recounted the worst shame of her life in front of the nobility of magical Britain and Professor McGonagall and Dumbledore and Harry; and then been sentenced to Azkaban where she would be exposed to darkness and cold and all her worst memories until she went mad and died; and then she’d heard that Harry was going to give away all his money and go into debt to save her, and maybe even sacrifice his life

and with the Dementor standing only a few paces behind her

she hadn’t said anything…

“Y-yes,” whispered the voice of Hermione Granger. “I c-can talk.”

Harry opened his eyes again and saw her face, now looking at him. It didn’t say anything like what he thought Hermione was feeling, faces couldn’t say anything that complicated, all facial muscles could do was contort themselves into knots.

“H-H-Harry, I-I’m so, I’m so -”

“Shut up,” Harry suggested.

“s-s-sorry -”

“If you’d never met me on the train you wouldn’t be in any trouble right now. So shut up,” said Harry Potter.

“Both of you stop being silly,” Professor McGonagall said in her firm Scottish accent (it was strange how much that helped). “Mr. Potter, hold out your wand so that Miss Granger’s fingers can touch it. Miss Granger, repeat after me. Upon my life and magic -”

Harry did as he was bid, thrusting his wand forward to touch Hermione’s fingers; and then Hermione’s faltering voice said, “Upon my life and magic -”

“I swear service to the House of Potter -” said Professor McGonagall.

And Hermione, without waiting for any further instructions, said, the words spilling out of her in a rush, “I swear service to the House of Potter, to obey its Master or Mistress, and stand at their right hand, and fight at their command, and follow where they go, until the day I die.”

All those words had been blurted out in a desperate gasp before Harry could have thought or said anything, if he’d been mad enough to interrupt.

“Mr. Potter, repeat these words,” said Professor McGonagall. “I, Harry, heir and last scion of the Potters, accept your service, until the end of the world and its magic.”

Harry took a breath and said, “I, Harry, heir and last scion of the Potters, accept your service, until the end of the world and its magic.”

“That’s it,” said Professor McGonagall. “Well done.”

Harry looked up, and saw that the entire Wizengamot, whose existence he’d forgotten, was staring at them.

And then Minerva McGonagall, who
was
Head of House Gryffindor even if she didn’t always act like it, looked up high above at where Lucius Malfoy stood; and she said to him before the entire Wizengamot, “I regret every point I ever gave you in Transfiguration, you vile little worm.”

Whatever Lucius was about to say in reply was silenced by a tap of the short rod in Dumbledore’s hand. “Ahem!” said the old wizard from his podium of dark stone. “This session has carried on quite considerably, and if it is not dismissed soon, some of us may miss their entire luncheon. The law of this matter is clear. You have already voted on the terms of the bargain, and Lord Malfoy cannot legally decline it. As we have far exceeded our allotted time, I now, in accordance with the last decision of the survivors of the eighty-eighth Wizengamot, adjourn this session.”

The old wizard tapped the rod of dark stone three times.

“You fools!” shouted Lucius Malfoy. The white hair was shaking as though in a wind, the face beneath was pale with fury. “Do you think you’ll get away with what you’ve done today? Do you think that girl can try to murder my son and escape unscathed?”

The toad-like pink-makeup woman, whose name Harry could no longer remember, was standing up from her seat. “Why, of course not,” she said with a sickening smile. “After all, the girl
is
still a murderess, and I think the Ministry shall be watching her affairs quite closely - it hardly seems wise that she should be allowed to wander the streets, after all -”

Harry was fed up at this point.

Without waiting to listen, Harry turned on his heel and strode forward in long steps toward -

The horror only he could truly see, the absence of color and space, the wound in the world, above which floated a tattered cloak; most imperfectly guarded by a running moonlit squirrel and fluttering silver sparrow.

His dark side had also noticed, when it was looking through the entire room for anything that could possibly be used as a weapon, that the enemy had been foolish enough to bring a Dementor into Harry’s presence. That was a powerful weapon indeed, and one that Harry might wield better than its supposed masters. There had been a time in Azkaban when Harry had told twelve Dementors to turn and go, and they had gone.

The Dementors are Death, and the Patronus Charm works by thinking about happy thoughts instead of Death.

If Harry’s theory was correct, that one sentence would be all it took to pop the Aurors’ Patronus Charms like a soap bubble, and ensure that nobody within reach of his voice could cast another one.

I am going to cancel the Patronus Charms and prevent any more Patronuses from being cast. And then my Dementor, flying faster than any broomstick, is going to Kiss everyone here who voted to send a twelve-year-old girl to Azkaban.

Say that, to set up the if-then expectation, and wait for people to understand and laugh. Then speak the fatal truth; and when the Aurors’ Patronuses winked out to prove the point, either people’s
anticipations
of the mindless void, or Harry’s threat of its destruction, would make the Dementor obey. Those who had sought to compromise with the darkness would be consumed by it.

It was the other solution his dark side had devised.

Ignoring the gasps rising from behind him, Harry crossed the radius of the Patronuses, strode to a single pace from Death. Its unhindered fear burst around him like a whirlpool, like stepping next to the sucking drain of some huge bathtub emptying out its water; but with the false Patronuses no longer obscuring the level on which they interacted, Harry could reach the Dementor even as it could reach him. Harry looked straight into the pulling vacuum and -

the Earth among the stars

all his triumph at saving Hermione

someday the reality of which you are a shadow will cease to exist

Harry took all the silver emotion that fueled his Patronus Charm and
shoved
it at the Dementor; and expected Death’s shadow to flee from him -

- and as Harry did that, he flung his hands up and shouted “BOO!”

The void retreated sharply away from Harry until it came up against the dark stone behind.

In the hall there was a deathly silence.

Harry turned his back on the empty void, and looked up at where the toad-woman stood. She was pale beneath the pink makeup, her mouth opening and closing like a fish.

“I make you this one offer,” said the Boy-Who-Lived. “I never learn that you’ve been interfering with me or any of mine. And you never find out why the unkillable soul-eating monster is scared of me. Now sit down and shut up.”

The toad-woman fell back down to her bench without a word.

Harry looked further up.

“A riddle, Lord Malfoy!” the Boy-Who-Lived shouted across the Most Ancient Hall. “I know you weren’t in Ravenclaw, but try to answer this one anyway! What destroys Dark Lords, frightens Dementors, and owes you sixty thousand Galleons?”

For an instant Lord Malfoy stood there with eyes slightly widened; then his face fell back into calm scorn, and his voice spoke coolly in reply. “Are you openly threatening me, Mr. Potter?”

“I’m not threatening you,” said the Boy-Who-Lived. “I’m
scaring
you. There’s a difference.”

“Enough, Mr. Potter,” said Professor McGonagall. “We shall be late for afternoon Transfiguration as it is. And do come back here, you’re still terrifying that poor Dementor.” She turned to the Aurors. “Mr. Kleiner, if you would!”

Harry strode back to them, as the Auror addressed moved forward and pressed a short rod of dark metal to the dark metal chair, muttering an inaudible word of dismissal.

The chains slithered back as smoothly as they had come forth; and Hermione pushed herself out of the chair as fast as she could, and half-ran and half-staggered forward a few steps.

Harry held out his arms -

- and Hermione half-jumped half-fell into Professor McGonagall’s arms, beginning to sob hysterically.

Hmpfh,
said a voice inside Harry.
I kind of thought we’d earned that one ourselves.

Oh, shut up.

Professor McGonagall was holding Hermione so firmly that you might have thought it was a mother holding her daughter, or maybe granddaughter. After a few moments Hermione’s sobs slowed, and then stopped. Professor McGonagall suddenly shifted her stance and grabbed onto her more tightly; the girl’s hands were dangling limply, now, and her eyes were closed -

“She’ll be fine, Mr. Potter,” Professor McGonagall said softly in Harry’s direction, without looking at him. “She just needs a few hours in one of Madam Pomfrey’s beds.”

“All right, then,” Harry said. “Let’s get her to Madam Pomfrey’s.”

“Yes,” said Dumbledore, as he descended to the bottom of the dark stone stairs. “Let us all go home, indeed.” His blue eyes were locked on Harry, as hard as sapphires.

The Lords and Ladies of the Wizengamot are departing their wooden benches, leaving as they came, looking rather nervous.

The vast majority are thinking ‘The Dementor was frightened of the Boy-Who-Lived!’

Some of the shrewder ones are already wondering how this will affect the delicate power balance of the Wizengamot - if a new piece has appeared upon the gameboard.

Almost none are thinking anything along the lines of ‘I wonder how he did that.’

This is the truth of the Wizengamot: Many are nobles, many are wealthy magnates of business, a few came by their status in other ways. Some of them are stupid. Most are shrewd in the realms of business and politics, but their shrewdness is circumscribed. Almost none have walked the path of a powerful wizard. They have not read through ancient books, scrutinized old scrolls, searching for truths too powerful to walk openly and disguised in conundrums, hunting for true magic among a hundred fantastic fairy tales. When they are not looking at a contract of debt, they abandon what shrewdness they possess and relax with some comfortable nonsense. They believe in the Deathly Hallows, but they also believe that Merlin fought the dread Totoro and imprisoned the Ree. They know (because that too is part of the standard legend) that a powerful wizard must learn to distinguish the truth among a hundred plausible lies. But it has not occurred to them that they might do the same.

(Why not? Why, indeed, would wizards with enough status and wealth to turn their hands to almost any endeavor, choose to spend their lives fighting over lucrative monopolies on ink importation? The Headmaster of Hogwarts would hardly see the question; of course most people should not be powerful wizards, just as most people should not be heroes. The Defense Professor could explain at great and cynical length why their ambitions are so trivial; to him, too, there is no puzzle. Only Harry Potter, for all the books he has read, is unable to understand; to the Boy-Who-Lived the life choices of the Lords and Ladies seem incomprehensible - not what a good person would do, nor yet an evil person either. Now which of the three is most wise?)

For whatever reason, then, most of the Wizengamot has never walked the path that leads to powerful wizardry; they do not seek out what is hidden. For them, there is no
why.
There is no explanation. There is no causality. The Boy-Who-Lived, who was already halfway into the magisterium of legend, has now been promoted all the way there; and it is a brute fact, simple and unexplained, that the Boy-Who-Lived frightens Dementors. Ten years earlier they were told that a one-year-old boy defeated the most terrible Dark Lord of their generation, perhaps the most evil Dark Lord ever to live; and they just accepted that too.