Harlequin American Romance October 2013 Bundle: Twins Under the Christmas Tree\Big Sky Christmas\Her Wyoming Hero\A Rancher's Christmas (11 page)

“And good sex is a bad thing?”

“I can't have serious feelings for Isi because of her sons.”

“What's wrong with Miguel and Javier? Aren't they good boys?”

“I don't want to be a father, Porter.” He felt protective of the twins and he'd do everything possible to make sure they didn't get hurt, which meant he could never be their dad.

“Is it because the twins aren't yours?”

The fact that Conway hadn't fathered the twins had nothing to do with not wanting to be their father. He feared that if he continued sleeping with Isi, it would only be a matter of time before his feelings for her developed into love. The boys were a part of Isi—if he fell in love with her, how could he not love her sons?

“I like the twins fine, but I don't want the responsibility of raising them.” That sounded better than telling his brother the truth—that he didn't trust himself not to cut out on Isi down the road—he was his father's son after all and abandoning women and children was in his DNA. What if he and Isi married and the boys accepted him as their father then six months later, the pressure of all that responsibility got to him and he split? Isi had already lost too many people she loved—he didn't want to be one more.

“A lot of guys can't envision themselves as fathers until their girlfriend or wife becomes pregnant. It happened to Gavin,” Porter said. “He panicked when Dixie turned up pregnant. Now, he's a natural at taking care of Nathan.”

Gavin was a better man than Conway. After the things his brother-in-law had witnessed in the army and the nightmares that had followed him home from the war in Afghanistan, it astonished Conway that Gavin always put Dixie and their son first in his life.

“Not wanting kids has nothing to do with a lack of confidence in my ability to be a father.” Conway scuffed the toe of his boot on the ground. “I want to keep my life simple. Me and my wife. No kids.” He was already taking a huge risk by committing to a woman he wasn't sure he could stay with a year much less a lifetime. “Lots of married couples choose not to have kids.”

“True, but you grew up with five brothers and a sister,” Porter said. “Won't the quiet drive you nuts?”

“Maybe.”

“So what are you gonna do about Isi?”

“I'm for sure not going to have sex with her again.” After she suggested friends with benefits, abstinence might prove challenging. He'd have to avoid being alone with her. “She'll understand. She knows I don't want kids.”

“What if she doesn't care that you don't want kids and she's only in it for the sex?”

Conway gaped. Had his brother been spying on him and Isi from inside her bedroom closet?

“I guess the only problem with sleeping together—” Porter stretched his arms above his head and yawned “—is that sex would interfere with Isi trying to find a potential husband and you the perfect wife.”

Exactly
. Isi might want a brief affair until she finished her degree, but they'd been lucky they hadn't been discovered by the twins. Once she graduated, he'd have to end their friendship for good.

“Are Isi and the boys coming for Thanksgiving this Thursday?”

“Yeah, Dixie invited them,” Conway said, unwilling to admit it had been Will's idea.

The sky glowed pink as the sun rose higher. “I better get to work,” Conway said. “I have to watch the boys again on Monday and I need to get the orchard cleaned up this weekend.”

“If you want, I can drive into Yuma and get the twins Monday morning.”

“No rodeos?”

Porter shook his head. “I told Betsy I'd hang out with her this week.”

“Where does she work?”

“The Pancake House in Yuma.”

His brother was seeing a waitress, too. What was it about waitresses that attracted the Cash brothers? “If you're sincere about picking up the twins, I accept your offer.”

“What time should I be at Isi's?” Porter asked.

“Eleven-thirty. I'll leave directions to the mobile-home park in the bunkhouse.”

“Think I'll go to bed now and dream about Betsy.” Porter hopped down from the truck.

Conway watched his brother walk off, thinking he didn't need sleep to dream about Isi—he could do it standing up with his eyes wide open.

* * *

“C
ONWAY
'
S
HERE
!” M
IGUEL
raced to the front door after hearing the bell ring.

Isi drew in a deep breath and exhaled slowly. Two days had passed since Conway escaped her trailer through the bedroom window and she'd been a wreck, waiting for his call or text. She'd received neither, which had only added to her anxiety.

She zipped her makeup bag and stowed it in the bathroom drawer then studied her reflection in the mirror. She looked the same, but she felt different—when she thought of Conway, her body tingled in places it had never tingled before.

Unsure how Conway would react after they'd crossed the friendship line, she left the bathroom then stopped dead in her tracks.

“Hey, you're not Conway.” Miguel flashed a smile.

“Hi, Porter.” Javier joined his brother at the door. “Did you eat all your Halloween candy?”

Porter stepped inside the trailer. “I think you guys ate all my candy.”

When he looked Isi's way she said, “Hello, Porter.” Worried Conway had been hurt at the farm, she asked, “Is Conway okay?”

“He's out in the orchard on the tractor right now.”

Had Conway sent his brother to get the boys because he hadn't wanted to face her after they'd had sex? She tried not to read too much into the situation but couldn't help wondering if he regretted sleeping with her. The thought hurt more than she cared to admit.

“I'm not rodeoing this week,” Porter said. “So I volunteered to fetch the troublemakers.”

“We're not troublemakers. Are we, Mom?” Miguel asked.

“That's up for debate.”

“What's a debate?” Javier asked.

“A big dispute,” Porter answered.

“What's a dispute?” Miguel asked.

“A fight.” Porter raised his arms and curled his hands into fists then punched the air above their heads. “It's a winner-take-all, knockout brawl.”

The boys giggled and joined in the fun, swinging their arms at Porter as he dodged out of the way. Clutching her car keys Isi said, “Would you tell Conway I won't need his help during the day the rest of the week? I don't have classes again until after the holiday.”

“Sure.” Porter slapped a hand against his thigh. “I almost forgot to tell you. Dixie says we're eating at one o'clock Thanksgiving Day and not to worry about bringing anything.”

Suddenly Isi wasn't so sure she should attend the Cash Thanksgiving celebration. What if Conway didn't want her there but couldn't say so without hurting the boys' feelings? Darn it. Why did morning-afters—make that two-day-afters—have to be so difficult?

“Tell Dixie I'd planned to make my mother's chorizo stuffing. It's spicy, but I think everyone will like it.”

“Sounds great. Okay, guys, let's go. I've got to get ready for my hot date with Betsy.” Porter ushered the boys out of the trailer and Isi locked the door behind everyone then handed the booster seats to Porter.

“Who's Betsy?” Miguel asked.

“A girl.”

“What's a hot date?” Javier trailed after Porter and Miguel.

“Um...” Porter grinned over his shoulder at Isi. “A hot date is when you do lots of fun stuff.”

The devilish gleam in Porter's eye gave Isi pause. Had Conway told his brother they'd had sex?
No
. Conway wasn't a sleep-and-tell kind of guy.

“What fun stuff?” Miguel moved out of the way while Porter installed the child seats.

“You know,” Porter said. “Play with new toys and go fun places.”

Javier climbed into his chair. “What fun places?”

“You two always ask this many questions?” Porter shut the door on the twins in the middle of their answer. He waved to Isi. “Don't worry. They won't hear any sex talk from me. Promise.”

Porter's comment had Isi wondering all over again if Conway had confided in his brother about his relationship with her. Blushing she slid behind the wheel of her car and drove off. She'd have to wait until tonight to find out if sleeping with Conway had been the biggest mistake of her life.

Chapter Eleven

Conway had put the boys to bed a few minutes ago, but they'd yet to settle down. He sat on the sofa then reached for the remote and turned on the TV. A few minutes later the twins marched into the living room.

“What's wrong?” Conway asked, noting the brothers had put on their rodeo boots, only they must have done it in the dark, because they each wore one black boot and one brown boot.

“Here.” Javier shoved a piece of paper at Conway.

He scanned the note. “This is your Christmas wish list.”

Miguel shook his head. “We don't want 'em anymore.”

“Why not?” He hoped Isi hadn't already purchased the toys.

“'Cause,” Miguel said.

“Okay. What do you two want then?” Conway asked.

“We want you to be our dad,” Javi said.

If Conway hadn't already been sitting down, his legs would have folded beneath him. The boys stared wide-eyed, waiting for his response. When he opened his mouth to speak, the words stuck to the sides of his throat. He swallowed hard, ignoring the panic building inside him. “I'm flattered, guys, but—”

“What's flattered?” Miguel asked.

“It means I appreciate you wanting me to be your father, but I can't.”

“Why not?” Javi inched closer and set his small hand on Conway's thigh. “Don't you like us?”

“Of course I like you.” Conway squeezed his hands into fists to keep from hugging the boy. How the heck did he get himself out of this mess without hurting their feelings? “I've had a lot of fun hanging out with both of you.”

“You could be our dad and have fun with us all the time,” Mig said.

Feeling like a cornered rabbit, Conway sprang from the couch and walked to the opposite side of the room then faced the boys. How could two kids three feet tall be so intimidating? “You guys don't understand. I'm not going to be anybody's father. Ever.”

“Why not?” Javi asked.

“Because—” He shut his mouth. He couldn't very well tell them that if he became their father, odds were one day he'd wake up and walk out on them. “Don't worry, guys. Your mom will meet a really great man one day and he'll be your father.”

“But we want you,” Miguel said.

Feeling lower than pond scum, he said, “Get back in bed.”

The twins didn't move and Conway feared they were going to defy him, then Miguel huffed and walked off.

Javier stood his ground and pointed to his mismatched boots. “You lied.”

“About what?” Then Conway remembered telling the boy not to wear mismatched shoes all the time because the good luck would wear off. “I'm sorry, Javi.”

The kid walked back to his bedroom and slammed the door hard, shaking not only the trailer walls but Conway's heart. He'd handled the situation badly—more proof that being a father wasn't in the cards for him.

He waited an hour before opening the bedroom door and peeking in on the twins. They were asleep in their beds—thank goodness. He wouldn't have been able to stand it if he'd found them crying. As he closed the door his gaze landed on the garbage can across the room. They'd thrown both pairs of cowboy boots in the trash.

Feeling like the cruelest man on earth, Conway closed the door and returned to the living room. He had no idea what he was going to say to Isi when she got home tonight. They'd yet to talk about making love and now the boys had asked him to be their father.

Conway had been given a reprieve when Porter had volunteered to fetch the twins earlier in the day, but there was no escaping a face-off with Isi tonight. He still hadn't wrapped his head around the fact that he'd had sex with a woman who'd been his friend and confidante the past twenty-four months.

Every once in a while his thoughts of Isi would stray into X-rated territory when he remembered the past—like the night she'd worn a tight spandex top at the bar. When she'd caught him staring at her breasts, her nipples had hardened and it had taken all his willpower to act as if he hadn't noticed. Then there had been the night when she'd tripped over a bar stool and he'd caught her by the waist—except her waist had actually been her breast. He'd suffered erotic dreams for a month after that incident.

His attraction to Isi had always been there, simmering below the surface. If she hadn't had the boys, Conway would have fallen hard for her within the first week of meeting her.

He wanted to wipe the slate clean between them and return to the way things used to be—before he'd offered to babysit for the boys. He yearned for the days when he stopped by the bar and shared his latest dating dilemma with her and she'd make sense of it all for him. Now Isi was his dating dilemma, and he sure in heck couldn't her ask for advice on how to deal with
her
.

At twelve-thirty he heard Isi's clunker park beneath the carport. When she entered the trailer, their gazes clashed and his first thought was how hot she looked in her bar T-shirt and tight jeans. A surge of testosterone flooded his bloodstream as his mind flashed back to their clothes flying off in her bedroom.

“How was your day?” he asked.

“Fine.” She set her backpack on the floor. “How about yours?”

“Fine,” he lied. He swore he saw wavy tension lines hovering in the air between them.

“Conway.”

“Isi.”

They spoke simultaneously. “Ladies first,” he said.

“That's okay. You go.”

“About the other night.” Damn, why was it so hard to tell her that making love with her again was never going to happen? “I don't think we should...you know...have a repeat of...”
Oh, hell
. For a guy who had a reputation of being a ladies' man, he sounded like an idiot. “It's not that I didn't enjoy what we did,” he said. “It's that I don't want kids and—”

“I have the boys.”

And tonight he'd discovered how much power kids wielded over adults and how they could make a grown man feel like crap.

“It's okay.” Her sad smile tugged his heartstrings. “I didn't invite you into my bed, hoping you'd change the way you feel about kids.” She strolled past him into the kitchen and he caught a whiff of her perfume—the same stuff she'd worn the night they'd slept together. She drank a glass of water then set the cup in the sink. “I'm fine with keeping things between us casual until I graduate at the end of the semester and we go our separate ways.”

Two very good reasons why he couldn't keep things casual with Isi were sleeping a few feet away behind a closed door. Heck, it was bad enough that he cared about the boys as if he were their...uncle or
something
. If he gave Isi half the chance, he'd begin caring for her like a steady boyfriend or... He couldn't make himself say the word
husband
out loud much less in his head.

“Porter said you don't have classes the rest of the week.”

“That's right.”

“I think it would be best if you found a new sitter to watch the boys when you go to work.”

Isi's eyes widened then she dropped her gaze. Conway backed up a step to keep from taking her in his arms and begging for her forgiveness.

He edged toward the door, his stomach dropping when he caught her wiping a tear.

She sniffed. “Conway?”

“Yeah?”

“Would it be better if the boys and I don't show up at the farm for Thanksgiving?”

He'd forgotten Will had invited them. “You should still come.”

“Are you sure?”

“Positive.”
Leave
.
Don't stay no matter how badly she acts like she needs a hug
. Conway closed the door behind him and jogged to his truck. When he started the engine it occurred to him that his actions tonight proved he was no better than his own father—for all intents and purposes he'd turned his back on Isi and the boys. Better that he found out now rather than later after all their hearts became entangled.

* * *

A
S
SOON
AS
Conway's truck pulled away from the trailer, Isi broke down in tears and swiped angrily at the moisture that leaked from her eyes. What an idiot she'd been to believe that if Conway made love to her once he'd want to share her bed again.

Suck it up, girl
.

Conway had done so much for her and the boys that she refused to make him feel guilty for not wanting to carry on an affair with her. She hated to be the one to break the news to her sons, but first thing in the morning she'd continue her search for a new sitter. If she didn't have any luck, she'd beg her neighbor for help. Mrs. Sneed might not be as exciting as Conway but at least she wasn't a pedophile or a crazy lady.

After turning out the lights, she stopped in the hallway and poked her head inside the boys' bedroom. Javier was wide awake. “What's the matter, honey? Did you have a nightmare?” She sat on the bed, pulled him into her arms and rocked him.

“Conway doesn't want to be our dad,” he said.

Isi stiffened. What was Javi talking about?

“I asked him to be our dad for Christmas instead of getting presents from Santa, but he said no.”

So it wasn't sleeping with her that had scared Conway off. “When did you ask him?”

“Tonight.”

When Isi turned her head away so Javier wouldn't see her tears, she noticed the trash can. “Why did you throw your boots in the garbage?”

“They're bad luck.”

She had no idea what Javi was talking about, but she didn't want to ask for an explanation. “Honey, Conway is a nice man and he really likes you and Mig, but he never planned to be with us forever.” She didn't know how to explain Conway's fear of fatherhood when
she
didn't fully understand his reasons for not wanting children.

“We don't want Conway to watch us anymore.”

You're getting your wish
. “Tomorrow we'll find a new sitter.”

Miguel lay wide awake staring at her. She waited for him to say what was on his mind, but he kept silent. “You okay, Mig?”

He rolled away and flung the covers over his head. His heart was broken, too. She gave Javi an extra hug then tucked in his blankets. “We have each other, guys. The three of us will always be a family.”

She left the door cracked open before retreating to her bedroom where she changed into her pajamas and slipped into bed.

Then she cried, her sobs muffled by the pillow pressed against her face.

* * *

I
SI
DRIED
THE
last of the Thanksgiving dishes and set the damp towel on the counter. She'd volunteered to help Dixie in the kitchen so she could escape the awkwardness between her and Conway. Even the boys had chosen to stick by Will's side this afternoon—not that she blamed them.

“This is a lovely home, Dixie.”

“The house is over a hundred years old and Will is constantly repairing leaky faucets and creaky doors. The place needs a facelift, but no one has the time or money to update the rooms.”

“I wouldn't change a thing.” Isi strolled into the dining room off the kitchen. She studied the wallpaper pattern of elegantly intertwining white blooms against a faded burned-gold background. The space was cozy and inviting.

“Would you like a tour of the house?” Dixie asked.

Isi had been dying for such an invitation. “I'd love to see the other rooms.”

“Let's start upstairs.”

She followed Dixie out of the kitchen and asked, “Does Shannon want to come?”

“Shannon practically grew up in this house. She spent more time here than at her father's ranch.” Dixie stopped by the front door and looked in the parlor. “I don't know where she disappeared to.”

“Maybe she's outside.” Those who weren't helping clean up after the meal were playing touch football in the yard.

“There are three bedrooms upstairs,” Dixie said.

Isi stepped on a squeaky stair. “Are these the original wood floors?”

“Yep. They've taken a lot of abuse over the years and need to be refinished.”

“I like the noise, it's charming.”

“My grandparents never minded the loose boards, because they warned them when one of my brothers snuck into the house past curfew.” Dixie stopped outside the door at the top of the stairs. “This is where Gavin and I sleep.”

“Nice,” Isi said.

“It's considered the master, but all three bedrooms are the same size. The only difference is that this room has three windows, not two.” Dixie opened the next door.

“Cowboy and Indian wallpaper.”

“Believe it or not this was my mother's room,” Dixie said. “She picked out the paper. The other bedroom has fire trucks and police cars on the walls.”

Isi strolled over to the window. She spotted Conway in the midst of his brothers and their girlfriends, but it was Will who her boys stood next to. Will played quarterback and Javier and Miguel blocked for him. When the ball was snapped, Buck and Merle—called Mack by family and friends—tackled the twins to the ground. Her heart ached at the thought that she and her sons would never be part of this family. “The boys haven't had this much fun in a long while.”

Dixie peeked over Isi's shoulder. “They're sweet kids.”

“They don't get a chance to roughhouse very often.” Isi's attention shifted to Conway. Maybe she was biased, but he was by far the handsomest of the males playing football. Each Cash brother was charming in their own way, but Conway was special—he was...or had been for a short time...her Cash brother.

“You'd think my siblings would have changed the wallpaper or painted over it, but since my mother had picked it out...” Dixie shrugged.

“Conway told me that your mother passed away when you were all young.”

“It was a difficult time, but Johnny was our rock, and we had our grandparents.”