Hard to Let Go (5 page)

“You can’t share that,” Nick said.

Jeremy was almost instantly at her side, his face set in an uncharacteristic frown. “Dude, you could totally get in trouble. You can’t do that.”

“Holy shit,” Marz said, rising to his feet. His chair scraped on the floor, sending their little three-legged German shepherd puppy, Eileen, scurrying out from underneath and growling in fright.

And though Beckett didn’t
say
anything, tension roared off of him as a storm slid in across his face.

Even the silence from the workstations where Becca, Sara, and Jenna sat seemed loud. Kat glanced their way and found Nick’s, Shane’s, and Easy’s girlfriends wearing matching concerned and sympathetic expressions. And she totally got why. The five women in the house, including Emilie, had talked more than once during the days since Kat had arrived about wanting to be able to help out in this whole mess. Becca gave her a little nod of encouragement.

Kat took a deep breath and braced for a fight. She knew Nick wasn’t going to let her do this easily. He wouldn’t be Nick if he wasn’t crazy overprotective. “Nick—”

“No, Kat. And that’s final.”

He’d already lost this fight. He just didn’t realize it. Kat crossed her arms. “Really?”

Shane rose slowly to his feet. He’d been the only one not to have an obvious reaction to what she’d said. “I think you should listen to what she has to say, Nick.” Shane’s gray eyes cut to her. “Why is Justice investigating Seneka, anyway?”

Nodding in his direction, Kat said, “Thank you.” She was especially appreciative because Nick and Shane were best friends, and though Kat didn’t know exactly what had happened between them, Becca told her that they’d recently patched up some old misunderstandings. She could only imagine that taking the opposite position from Nick wasn’t easy for Shane. “In a nutshell, Justice is investigating Seneka for contract fraud, bribery of Afghan officials, and a shooting incident in which nine unarmed Afghan civilians were killed.”

“Jesus,” Shane said. “Prosecuting something like that must be a bitch.”

Kat nodded. “You could say that.” This case was a perfect example of why it was sometimes hard to fight the good fight. The difficulties of obtaining and preserving evidence in war zones and of gaining proper jurisdiction for prosecutions in American civilian courts were a few factors responsible for dragging this case out.

Shane exchanged glances with some of the other men, and then looked back to Nick. “With charges like that, her files will definitely have some of what we need. You have to hear her—”

“I heard her plain and clear,” Nick said. “And the answer’s still no.”

“You realize I don’t actually need your permission to do this, right?” Kat said. “You need something I have the ability to give. It’s as simple as that.”

Nick threw out his arms and dug in his heels. “This isn’t even your fight, Katherine.”

Oh, she knew she was in trouble when he broke out her full name. But no way was she letting
that
BS stand unchallenged. “Are you freaking kidding me? I was up on that roof, remember?” She pointed at Jeremy. “Why is it Jer’s fight but not mine?”

“You better fucking believe I remember what happened up on that roof. Thank you for making my point for me.
In spades
. And Jeremy’s different,” Nick said, raking at his dark brown hair and pacing. His hair wasn’t long, but it was longer than Kat had seen since before he’d gone into the Army.

“Oh, this should be good. Please tell me how Jeremy being involved is different from me getting involved. And for the love of God, please tell me it doesn’t have anything to do with his penis.” She crossed her arms and cocked her head. Then waited.

Nick glared as his shoulders rose and fell in a troubled sigh. “Gimme a little frickin’ credit, wouldya? I don’t want him in the middle of this any more than I want you to be, but I brought the trouble to his door, which didn’t give him a whole helluva lot of choice.”

Jeremy held his hands palms up, highlighting the ink that ran down both arms. “That’s bullshit, Nick. You and I had a whole fight about this back at the very beginning, remember? I demanded in.”

“I thought you were on my side in this,” Nick said. “She’s out, and that’s final.” He slashed a hand through the air to end the debate.

Arching a brow, Jeremy crossed his arms and stepped closer to Kat, so it was like the two of them were facing off against Nick. At least she’d won one brother over. “This is all feeling very familiar,” Jer said.

Kat glanced between them, not sure what they were talking about.

“She’s right,” Becca said, rising from the table and coming up to Nick. Her pale yellow shirt almost matched the color of her hair. “I was there the night you and Jer got into it. Remember?” She took Nick’s face in her hands.

Nick grasped Becca’s hand, pressed a kiss to her palm, and shook his head. “Not the same, Sunshine. It’s just not.”

Kat watched them together for a moment, once again grateful for Becca’s presence in Nick’s life. When she was around, he seemed to unwind by several kajillion stress levels.

“Nick,” Kat said. “I want to help, and I
can
help.”

“But at what cost?” Beckett said. They were the first words he’d uttered during the whole exchange.

Kat met his gaze, but couldn’t read the emotions behind the words. His mask was firmly back in place, now, wasn’t it?

Nick threw a hand out toward Beckett. “Thank you,” he said, in a tone like he’d been vindicated.

Taking a deep breath, Kat shoved her anger and frustration back. She and Nick both had tempers, so losing her cool wasn’t going to help resolve this. And no way was she letting Beckett get underneath her skin in this moment. This whole situation was too damn important. “At the same cost everyone else in this room is willing to pay,” she said, in response to Beckett. “I’m no different.”

Stepping closer, Nick shook his head again. His tone was gentler when he spoke. “Except you
are
different, Kat. You have a fuck-ton to lose. Things you could never get back, like your license to practice law. You worked damn hard for that. And it’s an important job. One that makes a difference in the world. I lost that. But I’m not letting
you
lose it, too.”

“I appreciate the concern, Nick. But some things are more important than a job. Don’t you think I’ve thought this through? Considered the risks? I’ve worked through all of this, and I want to help.”

Nick sighed. “Kat—”

“Jeremy almost died,” she said, her throat unexpectedly closing up on the last word. She sucked back a sob that came out of nowhere and pressed a fist to her mouth. Tears filled her eyes. “And you last year,” she said in a thin voice. Over Nick’s shoulder, she made eye contact with Beckett, whose blue eyes were blazing at her. She was way too vulnerable right now to figure
that
out, though, so she dropped her gaze to the floor between her and her brother.

A hand slipped into hers and squeezed. She glanced to her side to find Jeremy peering down at her with a strained expression.

Without a second’s hesitation, Kat turned, pressed up onto her tiptoes and threw her arms around Jeremy’s neck. “We could’ve lost you,” she whispered, tears sneaking down her cheek. Talk about a delayed reaction. The roof collapse had been three mornings ago, but a wave of fear and grief suddenly washed over her.

Jeremy’s arms came around her back. “Hey, it’s okay. I’m okay.”

A fast shake of her head. “I know.” She batted away her tears. “I just . . . I can’t lose you guys.” Still leaning against Jeremy, she turned toward Nick and nailed him with a stare. “I can’t lose you. And if I can offer something that makes this even a little less dangerous, that gives you even the smallest advantage, you have to let me. Do you hear me? You have to. Because if you don’t and something happened . . .” She swallowed the knot forming in her throat again. “I would never be able to forgive myself.”

The muscles in Nick’s jaw ticked. “Which is how I would feel if something happened to you. To either of you.”

“I know, and I get it,” Kat said, crossing to stand in front of Nick, who towered over her. Well, pretty much everyone did. “But the reality is, Jeremy and I are already in it. How long do you think it takes Seneka to discover you have a sister who lives alone in D.C.?”

Nick’s eyelids sank closed like the thought had physically hurt him, but Kat wasn’t above playing dirty to get her way. Not on this.

“Sonofabitch,” Beckett bit out under his breath.

Glancing around, she met the gazes of each of the guys who stood all around them. The conflict they felt was clear in their expressions, so Beckett wasn’t alone in his sentiment. She turned back to Nick. “You need me, Nick. And I need you to want me, too.”

“Goddamnit, Kat,” he said, his voice way softer than the words he uttered.

“Is that a yes?” she said, giving him a small smile.

“I agree to this and you do exactly what I tell you. No questions asked. No busting my balls. No going off on your own,” Nick said, glaring down at her. But she could see the concern behind the scowl.

“Of course,” she said, his agreement taking a load off her chest, making it incrementally easier to breathe. “I’ll try to keep the ball busting to a minimum.”

Beside Nick, Shane chuckled. “I see the skill of persuasion runs in the family. She’s as hard to say no to as you are.” He clapped Nick on the back.

Nick shoved his arm away, feigning annoyance. “Fuck off, McCallan.”

Which made everyone chuckle.

“Fuck all y’all,” Nick said. “Except you, Sunshine. C’mere.” He pulled her into his arms, one of which bore a new tattoo of a sun and Becca’s initial, and gave her a quick hug.

Becca laughed and patted him on the back.

Then Nick was standing in front of Kat again, bending down so he could look at her eye-to-eye. “Thank you. I don’t like it, but I get it. So, thank you.”

She nodded. “You’re welcome. But don’t thank me until we know for sure that I’ve actually helped.”

Chapter 5

K
at returned to the scene of the crime, otherwise known as her bedroom, and tried not to stare at the wall against which she’d earlier had the best sex of her life.

Focus, Kat
.

Right. She’d come back here for a reason. In order to access her systems at work, she needed the randomly generated digital code from her SecurID token. It changed every sixty seconds and was one of two steps required to access files on the virtual private network at Justice. The small, key-fob-type device sat atop her closed work laptop on the nightstand next to the bed. The time she’d taken off work this week hadn’t been planned, so she’d stayed up late last night writing a brief—the perfect alibi, should it become necessary, for why she’d be accessing these files.

As voices approached from the main part of the apartment, Kat grabbed the token and her computer. Marz had asked her to bring the machine over to the gym before she logged in so he could look over and beef up its security features.

“Hey,” Jeremy said from the doorway. Charlie hung in the hallway behind him.

“Hey,” she said. “What are you guys doing?”

Jeremy shrugged. “Just hanging out. Some of the Ravens are back from their shifts out at the roadblocks, so dinner madness is getting underway.”

Kat nodded. “Okay.”

Leaning against the doorjamb, Jeremy crossed his arms and gave her a funny look. “Question for ya.”

“Yeah?”

“Which Raven is it?” he asked, humor playing around his mouth.

“Which Raven is what?” Kat hugged the laptop to her chest.

He tilted his head and lifted his brows like she should know what he was asking. “Which Raven is it I smelled on you?”

Heat crawled up Kat’s neck. She chuckled and pushed by him into the hall, giving him a small shove for good measure. “What the hell are you talking about, Jeremy?”

“When you hugged me, you smelled like man and sex. Now, I love both men and sex—” He winked at Charlie, who looked a lot like he’d rather be anywhere else in the world just then. “—so I don’t have a problem with it at all. Just curious who the lucky Raven was.”

Holy shit!
She thought about saying there’d been
no Raven
. Since that was, in fact, the truth, and could thereby lead her brother to wonder who else that left, Kat bit her tongue. Leave it to freaking Jeremy to be able to sniff out sex, for God’s sake. She walked backward away from him. “You’re an idiot. You know that, right?”

“That wasn’t a denial,” he called, amusement plain in his tone.

Kat flipped him the finger and kept on walking, though she was under no illusion that he’d let this go. Why were brothers such pains in the asses anyway?

In the kitchen, a dozen or more people crowded around the breakfast bar—Ravens and Hard Ink folks alike—talking and laughing and chowing down on chili that Becca and Emilie had made earlier. With so many people working and living here now, they’d all been pitching in with the nonstop production of food, but Becca and Emilie were by far the best cooks among them. Kat couldn’t wait until it was Nick’s turn to make dinner; she’d already put in an order for sloppy Joes—his specialty.

Nick saw her through the crowd and winked. She gave him a small smile, glad they’d been able to come to an agreement about her helping.

Not seeing Marz, Kat made for the gym and found him in his usual spot. “Do you want to go eat with the others before we do this?” she asked.

He took the laptop from her hands. “Thanks, but I’m gonna wait for Emilie to come back down so we can eat together.”

Kat smiled. “Aw, aren’t you sweet?” She put a little sass in the words, but it was true. Marz was a total sweetheart, a good guy through and through.

He patted his hand against his chest and smirked. “Heart of gold, baby. Heart. Of. Gold.”

Laughing, Kat nodded. “Yeah, I know. All you guys do.”

Marz indicated for her to enter the password to her laptop, and then he said, “Yep. Even Beckett.”

She stepped back from the computer and gave him a frown. Why the hell had he said that? “Yeah, sure,” she said as nonchalantly as she could. Because, honestly, while she would give Beckett the benefit of the doubt on being a good person—he was here helping Nick, after all—she couldn’t begin to figure the guy out.

Eyes on her screen and fingers flying over the keyboard, Marz added, “He’s rough around the edges, but he’s a good guy.”

Crossing her arms, she very specifically tried not to think of all the ways in which Beckett could be rough. “Uh-huh.”
What the hell is this about?

“And he really wouldn’t have hurt you that day he pulled the gun on you.”

She sorta wanted to bang her head against the nearest hard surface. Why did she feel like she was getting a sales pitch? “I know.” When he didn’t respond, her shoulders relaxed.

Maybe two minutes of silence had passed before Marz looked over his shoulder at her and said, “Beckett just takes a while to let anybody get close, ya know?”

“Derek,” Kat said, exasperated. “Why the heck are we talking about Beckett right now?”

He shrugged and turned back to the laptop. “Just sayin’.”

She glared at the back of his head. First Jeremy and now this. Question was, what the heck did Marz think he knew and how did he know it? Had Beckett said something to him about what’d happened between them? Because if he had, she was going to pull his tongue out of his mouth and tie it in a knot, cartoon style.

“This machine is kind of a mess,” he said. “Typical government piece of crap.” Marz turned and smiled at her. “Whenever our guns jammed in Afghanistan, we’d always remind each other that our weapons had been brought to us by the lowest bidder. Kind of a random memory . . .”

The musing look on his face made Kat smile. “Can’t imagine what it was like over there for you guys.”

He clicked through a few more windows. “Long periods of boredom punctuated by moments of intense, balls-to-the-wall crisis.”

“Oh, so, sorta like now, then?” She’d meant it as a joke, but there was a truth to the statement that wasn’t one bit funny. Not at all.

“Roger that,” Marz said. “You know what, before you do any more logging on, I want to clean this up and build in some new security features. That okay with you?”

Across the room, Emilie, Easy, and Jenna stepped through the door.

“Of course,” Kat said. “Just grab me when you’re ready.”

Marz winked. “Not sure how Nick would feel about me grabbing you, but I’ll definitely let you know.”

Kat rolled her eyes and hoped like hell that Marz didn’t notice the heat crawling into her cheeks—or read into it. Because she’d been grabbed pretty damn good today. And, no, Nick probably wouldn’t be too happy to know it. Not that he got a freaking vote about who did or didn’t grab her, for crap’s sake.

“You ready for me?” Emilie asked with a big smile as she approached the desk.

The grin Marz gave her nearly had Kat blushing even more. “What kind of question is that? Always.” Marz rose to his feet, sending Eileen scurrying again. “Oh, damn. Sorry, Eileen. She keeps sleeping against the shoe on my prosthesis and I can’t feel her.”

Kat scooped the silly-looking dog into her arms and tucked her against her side. The puppy’s ears were so big they were out of proportion to the rest of her body. “She just wants to be near you, don’t you, sweet girl.” Eileen’s huge tongue swiped across her cheek, making Kat laugh. “That’s just about enough of that, you mutt.”

Marz clasped hands with Easy across the desk. “Hey, man. How you doing?”

Tall, athletic, and dark-skinned, Easy was probably the guy on Nick’s team with whom Kat had talked the least. He seemed very reserved, even a little distant—with everyone except for Jenna, that was. Easy’s gaze flicked toward Kat, but he gave Marz a nod. “Day by day.”

“True dat.” Marz rubbed his stomach. “Okay, food. Food is a priority.”

Jenna chuckled. “I’ve heard that about you.” With her bright blue eyes and dark red hair, Jenna was absolutely beautiful, even with the fading yellowish bruises surrounding her left eye. And seeing that reminder of what her brother’s enemies had done to this young woman further reaffirmed Kat’s decision to help Nick and the team. Every single person here had paid something or risked something or was contributing something to try to make this whole situation right. Kat was determined to do so, too.

Marz held out his hands. “Can’t be helped. My reputation precedes me.”

The five of them made their way across the gym, and Kat felt more than a little like the odd woman out. Both couples were hand in hand, catching up with each other about totally normal things after being separated for a bit, while she trailed behind, Eileen still in her arms.

Out in the stairwell, Marz said, “You know what? I better let Eileen out before we settle in with dinner.”

Kat waved him off. “I’ll do it. Go ahead and I’ll catch up.” Given that she’d gone right from being with Beckett to arguing with Nick to losing it over what’d nearly happened to Jeremy, she wouldn’t mind the alone time to pull herself together.

Outside, she put Eileen down on the gravel of the fenced-in parking lot and watched as the puppy meandered around, sniffing every little thing, until she made it over to the grass that ran around the outside of the lot. The rain had tapered off to a foggy mist that, together with the dark clouds, made it look even later than it was.

Leaning against the brick wall of the building, Kat rubbed her eyes and yawned. She’d been here less than a week and was already exhausted. She couldn’t imagine how the rest of them had been handling this situation for going on a month now. Even when you had downtime, you could never completely relax. Not when men with rocket launchers attacked your home in the middle of the night. For one.

Sighing, she dropped her hands. And saw Beckett getting out of his SUV on the other side of the parking lot. For a long moment she studied his gait. He walked with a small limp that seemed to favor his left leg. She knew it resulted from a grenade explosion in Afghanistan, but it didn’t seem to slow him down any, that was for sure.

He turned her way.
Great.

Kat clapped her hands together. “Eileen? Come here, girl,” she called.
We have to go in now! So I can avoid what’s sure to be an awkward conversation! Because I don’t need another one of those today!
Although, maybe this was the perfect time to see what Beckett had told Marz. Still, hello awkward.

Near the line of motorcycles, Eileen’s head popped up and the puppy looked Kat’s way. But then she went right back to whatever she was doing.

Not that it mattered now that Beckett was halfway across the parking lot. Coming her way. And, just for the record, looking hot as fuck in the tee-jeans-boot combo. With his broad shoulders and thick thighs, the man filled out his clothing in a way that left little to the imagination. Which she didn’t really have to rely on now, did she? She’d seen the goods and knew that nice as those jeans looked
on
him, they looked about a million times hotter hanging around his knees.

Which was
not
a helpful thought right now.

And then he lifted his eyes and pinned her to the wall with that intense blue gaze.

So much for hoping he might just ignore her and go inside. Because he wasn’t heading for the door. He was heading right for her.

Her heart tripped into a sprint and she shivered as her memory treated her to a quick series of images from the last time he’d held her pinned against a wall. Taking a slow and hopefully calming breath, she met his gaze and waited until he came to a stop in front of her. Close enough that if she reached out a hand, she could grab his shirt and haul him all the way to her. Low, low in her belly, her muscles clenched in complete support of that idea. Freaking traitorous body.

“I want to say something, if that’s okay with you,” he said, his eyes searching hers.

His seriousness made her bite back the snark that sat on the tip of her tongue. “Sure,” she said, not having the first idea what to expect.

“What you offered to do in there . . . it’s a dangerous thing, Kat.”

Annnd, of course. Here we go
. Frustrated, she pressed her hand to her eyes. The last thing she had energy for was another fight. “Beckett, this has been settled—”

“Wait.” His fingers curled around hers and pulled her hand away from her face. Still holding it, he stepped closer. “I’m fucking this up.”

It was almost like they spoke mutually unintelligible languages, for as much as she understood this guy. “Fucking
what
up?”

He shook his head and let out a harsh breath. “Thank you. What I wanted to say is thank you. You don’t have to do this, and not a single person would blame you if you changed your mind.”

“But I’m not gonna—”

“I know.” He dragged his thumb across her knuckles. Back and forth, back and forth. And the heat of his touch spread through her whole body, making her nerve endings come to life and yearn for more . . . everywhere. “And that’s why I’m thanking you. We need what you have.” Beckett cleared his throat and looked off to the side for a long moment. When he looked back to her, he shrugged. “Yeah, so, that’s what I wanted to say.”