Hard to Hold On (5 page)

“Nolan,” she breathes
impatiently. I hold back on a smile, knowing that when she wants it,
she wants it
so instead of toying with her, I give it to her.

Sticking my tongue out, I swirl it around her
core and she bucks against me but I hold my hands up to keep her legs sturdy. She seems to rise higher against the wall, almost scrambling away from my lips but I refuse to let her go.

“Oh my God, Nolan!” she screams as I dive
my tongue down between the slick curves. I drag it back up to the most sensitive spot between her legs and her panting picks up even more as I feel her begin to move against my mouth.

I suck unt
il I feel her getting swollen—until I feel her body moving with each stroke and rhythm that I create. As soon as I hear her scream my name and feel her body tense and quake around my shoulders, I pull back up and shove myself deep inside her without hesitation.

She releases a heavy groan but I pump as fast as I can. “I
’ve missed you, Natalie,” I groan against her ear. “I’ve missed this so fucking much.”

She screams again as I bury myself into her
completely, causing a banging against the wall. I circle my tongue around her earlobe before pulling back and hammering into her.

“Nolan!” she screams again, boosting my ego while encouraging me to go harder. I pound into her as if I don’t want my body against anythin
g else. I circle my groin against her and she pulses and throbs around me. I feel a warmness trickling around the length of me and I groan delightfully, glad she’s reached a point of bliss and ecstasy again.

She brings her head up and
crushes her lips against mine as the water continues to pour over us. Grabbing a fistful of her hair, I pull her head back to get a taste of the skin on her neck again but that’s when I realize how close I am. I can’t hold it in anymore.

I continue the strokes until I feel myself about to explode. I grunt against her neck as she bit
es her fingernails into the skin of my back. I feel the hot release splurging and I shudder a dozen times before falling against her chest. There’s a throbbing between my legs but it feels good. It feels so damn good to let go of what’s been pent up inside of me.

After we catch our breath, I place her on the shower flo
or and she smiles up at me beneath her eyelashes. I smile back at her but it’s not complete. Although the sex was amazing I still feel like something is missing. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why can’t I just be happy right now? She’s gotten my mind rid of the thoughts for a few minutes but now I feel worse than before.

Taking notice of my worry, she
wraps her arms around my neck. She kisses me twice before placing her head against my chest and listening to my rapid heartbeat. I wonder why she isn’t saying anything. Maybe she’s thinking like I am. Maybe she doesn’t want to ruin the moment.

I don’t want to destroy her mood. I want her happy . . . even if I’m not completely happy with my
life or myself. I honestly don’t know if I ever will be.

After we’ve showered and
cleaned ourselves while storming up some minor small talk and flirting, I finally figure out what has to be done.

Chapter Seven

Natalie

During the past three
days, Nolan has been busy with arranging the funeral and sending out invitations. Mills comes around us occasionally but he’s topsy-turvy and it makes me nervous to be around him. There are times when he’s cool and will speak casually and then there are times where it seems as if he wants to flip a table over. After Nolan told me Mills might have a minor bipolar disorder that he doesn’t want to get checked out for, I began to feel sorry for him. Why hadn’t he told me this before?

Nolan hides so much that it kills me. I asked about his father last night but he brushed it off and told me it was to remain in the past.
Now I’m beginning to think maybe he was right about our relationship in some ways. Ever since the argument, I’ve been thinking about
us
way too much. We hardly communicate and from what my mom and dad always tell me,
communication is key
. I know it’s only been a few months but I really want him to open up to me. I tell him more about me and my problems than he tells me.

I pause on those thoughts, m
y mind snapping back into reality as we pull into the parking lot of a floral shop. Nolan and I decided that a few white and red roses for the funeral would be best. He mentioned how his mother smelled like roses a lot so I linked two and two together and decided it was best to gather some fresh ones.

As soon as we
step into the shop, an elderly woman is standing behind the counter bundling a cluster of assorted flowers with a rubber band. “Well, hello!” she chimes, placing the flowers down on the counter carefully.

“Hi,” I
smile. I look up at Nolan who has a tight, forced smile on his lips. For the past three days he’s been acting really off. I thought sex would relieve some of his stress but he still seems thrown. Our shower-sex was the last time we’d done it but right after, I was confused by his sullen mood. He was still forcing smiles and the conversations we were having afterwards were rather pointless.

“What can I
help you with?” the woman asks, still smiling broadly.

“T
here’s a funeral,” I say when Nolan doesn’t answer. “We’re looking for the freshest red and white roses you might have.”

She nods, pulling
her glasses from the bridge of her nose to wipe them off with the hem of her grey shirt. “Well if you’re looking for extremely fresh I’d come by tomorrow morning. I have a truck that will be bringing a load of fresher roses in for me. The ones I have here are somewhat worthy but I don’t think they will last you until tomorrow.”

I nod as I reach for Nolan’s hand. His fingers don’
t bother to wrap around mine. He doesn’t seem to notice, but as he pulls away to look at the yellow tulips to our right, a part of me rips in half. The gesture reminds me of my ex. Right before I found out what Bryson had done behind my back, he pulled the same exact gesture. I’m sure Nolan doesn’t mean it that way but I can’t help but panic now.

“In t
he morning is fine,” Nolan mumbles, digging into his back pocket to pull his wallet out. “We can stop by and pick them up before we get to the funeral. Do I pay over here?” He points at the counter and the woman nods as she scurries behind it. She asks him how many he would like and after he pays, we are out of the shop and back at the car again.

I can’t believe how rude he’s being towards me
. I can’t believe he’s brushing me off like I won’t notice. I know all of the signs that lead to a break up and I refuse to sit around and act like I don’t know what’s going on. I won’t let him become a Bryson Daniels so as soon as we’re in the car I turn in my seat to look at him. “What the hell is wrong with you?” I ask.

He
pauses on starting the car, giving me a brief glance. “Nothing.”

“Don’t lie to me, Nola
n. You think I don’t notice what’s going on with you? You’ve been brushing me off.” He looks at me again, his eyes telling me to state how he’s been brushing me off. That knocks against my frustration so I tell him. “You sleep on the sofa instead of in the bedroom with me. You try to blame it on getting some fresh air and “accidentally” falling sleep on the couch but . . .” I nearly choke as I actually face the facts. “Just tell me now, Nolan, what I’m doing wrong. I swear I’ll fix it. We can fix anything you just have to work with me. You have to open up to me. You haven’t said a word about how you feel about your mother’s death since I’ve been here. I’ve let you in before. It’s your turn now.”

“
Natalie, I don’t want to talk about it. It doesn’t feel right to talk about yet. I’m not ready for the funeral—I’m not ready for any of it.”

H
is grip tightens around the wheel, causing his knuckles to turn pale. “I want to help you, Nolan. You’ve always complained about me not letting you in but you’re being a complete hypocrite! I want you to tell me how you feel.”

“I don’t feel shit, Natalie! Damn it!” The tone of his voice catches me off guard
as he bangs the palms of his hands against the wheel. I swallow the lump in my throat as his grey eyes glare holes through mine, the anger blazing. “You want to help me, then give me my space, Natalie. Give me time to actually cope with my loss. It’s only been a week and I feel like my world has crumbled to pieces. I hate that you’re going through it with me but I don’t want it for you. I want you happy but you won’t be while I’m like this. Not while I’m unhappy.” He shakes his head.

“
I’ve lost both of my parents and it hurts. I don’t want you to hurt just because I am. I don’t even know when I’ll be able to face the reality of it entirely but once I do, it’s going to feel like a million rocks have been thrown at me—like someone has just shot me a dozen times with a gun. It’s going to
kill
me all over again.”

Silence seizes the car
, the heaviness growing between us. My gaze drifts as I stare at my lap. So that’s what’s been on his mind? He doesn’t want me to be unhappy since he’s unhappy. He wants me smiling, but how can I smile when the one I love is going through heartache? I wish I could be the one to heal the pain and help him but he doesn’t want my help. I don’t think he wants anything to do with me right now.

Nolan cranks the car
with a sigh and pulls out of the parking lot, leaving me with no choice but to remain silent. Is this it? Is he not going to say anything else about it? Is he just going to leave it in the air? I’ve learned that leaving shit in the air makes matters worse. Take my parents for instance. Their lack of communication almost led them into a divorce.

It takes us only ten minutes to get back to the house and as soon as he
pulls into the driveway and turns the car off, he gets out quickly and shuts the door behind him. I push out, refusing to let him walk away from what’s just happened.

“Nolan!” I yell after him as
he opens the garage.

He doesn’t look back and i
t pisses me off even more. The anger and frustration is boiling to surface with each step he takes away from me. He continues ahead, opening the door that leads to the kitchen and stepping in, leaving the door open behind him.

“Nolan, talk to me please,
” I beg.

I shut the door behind me and
in only a matter of seconds, he spins around to face me. I’ve never seen him so upset. Not since he fought my best friend Mark at the beach. That was the angriest I had seen him but I think now is worse. Veins are popping out of his forehead. His eyes are glistening and his fists are clenched tightly. A heavy line draws between his eyebrows and creases form at his forehead as he steps towards me.

“Natalie.” His face then softens as he cups my jawline. I feel the tears pricking at my eyes but I force myself to hold off on them.
I don’t know whether I should be afraid or glad he’s calmed down that fast. He stares into my eyes briefly before finally tearing his gaze away to look down. “Natalie, I can’t do this,” he mumbles, shaking his head. His voice is faint, defeated.

“D
o what, Nolan?”

“
This
. Us. I can’t right now.” His fingers stroke the flesh behind my ears and at the nape of my neck before he pulls away and runs his fingers through his hair. His gaze doesn’t drift from mine for one second. “I love you with all my heart—I swear I do—but I’ve never felt so low in my life. I’ve never hurt this bad over anything. This doesn’t even compare to my dad’s death. He was murdered and I lived through nightmares. As a child I envisioned every bullet that was shot in his direction, hitting him. I couldn’t get it out of my head that he had been shot to death—and it wasn’t even his fault. He was at the wrong place at the wrong time. They mistook him for someone else and they just . . . shot him. I felt so alone and even while I’m with you, I feel alone and it shouldn’t be like this. I know it’s not your fault for trying but . . .”

Nolan’
s eyes begin to glisten and my eyes water, too—not just from hearing about his dad’s murder but from him telling me that he can’t do
us
anymore.

“I don’t want to hurt you, Bunny. I don’t want to destroy this anymore than I have so I thin
k it’s best if we take some time apart. I need space right now. I can’t deal with anyone’s emotions outside of my own.”

M
y chest constricts and not long after, the tears fall. So we’re breaking up? After four months of happiness and wholeness, we’re done? It just doesn’t feel real. I’ve never wanted this to happen because, if anything, it could be permanent. Nolan picked me up after being hurt once before but this has just crushed me completely. My heart is bursting and the pieces are scattering throughout my entire body. It’s a painful feeling—almost like glass stabbing at every part of me on the inside and I know that no matter how hard I try to stop it, it’s impossible. I can’t escape it. I can’t run from it. It hurts to have this intense feeling repeated.

Nolan pulls me into his arms and leads the way to his bedroom. The tears grow so heavy
that I don’t even realize I’ve curled myself beneath the blankets and sheets of his bed. I feel so out of it. I remember him kissing my hair and stepping out of the room, but that’s it. He didn’t say a word. He just left me lying here.