Hard Luck Hank: Basketful of Crap (17 page)

I opened the door to my temporary
home and in my new living room stood Naked Guy.

“You know, this is getting old. I
don’t know why I even bother locking the door.”

Forget it. I didn’t owe him
anything. I swung my gun into position and loaded an armor piercing round.

“You know what this is?” I asked
him rhetorically.

“It looks like an autocannon.
Somewhere between thirty and forty millimeters. With the belt feed and motor
removed and replaced by a manual operation,” he said in his usual blasé manner.

That was a bit disconcerting.

“Yeah…well, do you know what it can
do to you?”

“Yes.”

I didn’t really have a follow-up
for that.

“How did you find me? How did you
get in here?”

“We located the Gandrine. Security
bypass systems are one of our products.”

“How did the Gandrine find me?”

“You should ask them.”

“Did you know you have
biological—um, made soldiers?” I accused.

“Recombinant Heterokaryotic Clones.”

“What if they sneeze?” was all I
could come up with.

“They are incapable of sneezing.
Their bodies lack that function.”

“But what if I injected some of their
blood? That could kill a whole planet because of their DNA.”

“I would not advise injecting
anyone’s blood.”

“Yeah but…it’s worse with them.”
But that seemed a shaky concern so I switched tactics. “Besides, aren’t they
illegal?”

“Not on Belvaille.”

“But they’re galactic treaty
illegal.”

“Belvaille is not a signatory to
that treaty. Section 4.3.7 subsection B on Independent Protectorates details
our rights and limitations. They have been upheld in the courts.”

“Alright. But why do you guys have
them?”

“When one corporation began using
them, we all had to. Just like with the armored carriers. It became an
escalation factor. We can replace them far easier than regular employees.”

“Why not just hire the people
already on the station? There are plenty of us.”

“We have. I already hired you once
and I’m here to ask again.”

“Oh.”

“And we believe they will not
always be illegal within the Confederation. We want to have the technology
perfected when that opportunity arises,” he stated.

Now my real issue:

“You made me wear a diaper,” I said
angrily.

“I suppose you could call it that.”

“Why?”

“You said you didn’t want to wear
our uniform. I needed for you to be identifiable by our soldiers. That’s why
all the corporations wear uniforms. So the clones do not attack each other.”

“But why a diaper?”

“Because I felt it was unlikely
that anyone would clad themselves in such a garment and thus it was safe to
instruct our soldiers to avoid engaging the wearer of one.”

I was not happy with that answer,
but I guess I understood it.

“Do you have Portals in the
freighter ships attached to Belvaille?”

“Yes.”

Through my rigorous inquiries, he
had remained Naked Guy and didn’t seem uncomfortable or flustered or like I had
caught him in anything. He answered immediately and without concern.

I put my autocannon down by the
door.

“Whatever. So what is it you want?”

“As I said, I wish to hire you.”

“No. Just no. I can’t be killing
any more people who live here. That’s not who I am. Sorry, you need to get
someone else. I don’t care what you’re paying.”

“I wish to hire you to attack a
rival corporation.”

Now we’re talking!

“Wait. That would take an army.
They’re too entrenched. And they got all those biological guys. Whatever you
called them. And vehicles. It would be suicide.”

“Any amount of money you require
can be made available,” he said.

Man, people would pay
me
to
be able to fight a corporation. I could probably get guys from every gang. It
would also go a long way to clear my recently-damaged reputation. But still.

“We just don’t have the weapons to
fight them. If you gave me like six months I could put something together. With
enough money.”

“We can provide you with any
weapons you require from our armory.”

Whoa.

“Do you have a list of what’s
available?”

“I can provide one.”

“How many people can I hire?” I
asked.

“As many as is required,” Naked Guy
said.

“What if I needed 10,000 people?” I
challenged.

“The attack needs to be carried out
within three months. And you may only hire residents of Belvaille.”

“But you’re basically saying I can
spend as much money as I need to spend and you’ll give us whatever equipment we
want?”

“We can only give equipment that Colmarian
United Supply possesses, but otherwise, yes.”

I couldn’t see any problems with
this deal. I was going to be the most popular guy on Belvaille very shortly.

“Alright,” I said. “Give me the
list of gear and I’ll turn it over to my tech guy. In the meantime I’ll start
hiring people. I’m going to need—” and I shrugged. I thought I understood how
corporations worked a little. “Thirty million credits.”

It was an absurd number. I might as
well have said “three infinities.”

Naked Guy paused. For once. Had a
corporation finally been overbilled?

“That sum is acceptable,” he said.

Naked Guy walked to my front door
and was about to leave when I thought of one last thing.

“Why do you guys have the Portals?”

He turned and faced me. Those
black, reflective eyes were unwavering.

“To avoid the tolls from the Navy
blockade.”

That answer sent a shiver up my
back. I wasn’t sure about all the other things he had told me. But I knew that
last one was a lie.

There was no way the corporations
were saving enough on Navy fees to justify building their own Portals. Not
unless their long-term plans stretched epochs into the future.

But Naked Guy had been so
forthcoming about everything else. It seemed odd he would lie about that one
thing. It was also entirely possible that I didn’t understand all the details.
I wasn’t exactly a corporate bookkeeper.

But I did know the fees the Navy
charged. I knew them for the gangs. Unless the corporations were charged vastly
different sums, it didn’t make any sense.

As I was pondering all this I got a
tele from Garm.

“What?” I tried to answer as
grumpily as she always answered my teles.

“Hi, Hank. What are you up to?”

“Huh?” I don’t think Garm had ever
asked such a thing of me. She was not one to mince words or flatter or ask how
your day was going.

“I heard your apartment was
destroyed by Wallow. Wanted to make sure you weren’t hurt.”

“Oh. Well that’s nice of you. No, I
got out long before. I suspected something like that might happen; though, I
would have enjoyed seeing Wallow walk across Belvaille. That must have been an
impressive sight.”

“How is it you seem to like Wallow
but you’re always fighting him?” she asked.

“I have never ‘fought’ Wallow. I
have merely had a few disagreements with his fists and his fists have shown me
the error of my ways. I just think it’s cool that a Therezian is on Belvaille.”

“Yeah,” Garm said. “You talk to
Bronze lately?”

This was why she had called. And it
made me uncomfortable. And she was uncomfortable. And we could both see the
other was uncomfortable on the tele screen.

“Yeah.” I mumbled something,
combining a few grunts and murmurs and hoped that sounded like a sentence.

“I know he’s…fond of you. I haven’t
been able to get ahold of him. He doesn’t have a tele of course. Strangest
thing. At least he says he doesn’t have one...”

Garm was a great friend. And Bronze
was a friend. And if any two people in the galaxy should not be dating, it was
them. But that wasn’t for me to say.

I couldn’t look at the tele. At
Garm’s face. I looked at my autocannon on the floor. Maybe I should paint it. Or
sell advertising space.

“Hmm,” I said, stalling for time.

But how was I going to do this? I
didn’t want to rat on Bronze. But I didn’t want Garm to twist in the wind. She
might even take it out on me later. Was I jealous? There’s nothing like seeing
someone date your ex-girlfriend to remind you just how much you like her. Even
if the moment you get back together you want to kill her.

“Oh, before I forget, I heard some
guys at the Gentleman’s Club say they were putting together a job to burgle the
Pushane Jewel,” I said casually.

“What? That’s my apartment
building,” Garm yelled.

“I thought so.”

“When did you hear this?”

“Few days ago.”

“And you’re just thinking of
telling me now?”

“I hadn’t talked to you in a bit.
Besides, you have security, right?”

“Not enough. Who were they? Was
this just ‘guy talk’ or were they serious?”

“Seemed serious. I didn’t see, I
was watching glocken.”

“That team is never going to win!”
She yelled. “My place better not get robbed or I’m holding you responsible.”

“Do what I do and have Gandrine sit
outside.”

“I’ll call you back. If you hear
anything more, let me know
immediately
. Not a few days later.”

“Sure.”

Garm hung up.

That was one way to get out of an
ugly conversation.

Not long after, I got an enormous
list of equipment available from Naked Guy. It was what Colmarian United Supply
could lend us for the attack on the other corporation. The list was over 300
pages long and I didn’t understand the vast majority of it.

I forwarded it to Delovoa and asked
him, “If you were going to outfit an army of gang thugs to attack a corporation
on Belvaille, and you had your pick of anything on this list, what would you
choose?”

I also received a fund transfer.

30,000,000 credits.

I stood there looking at that
number. I wasn’t even thinking of stealing that, because he had sent it to me
in less than a day based on our five minute conversation. That was not a group
I would ever be stealing from.

I teled Cad. I still felt bad about
him losing Sassy and getting hurt at the last fight.

“You still here?” I asked.

“Yeah. Where else am I going to
go?” he said.

“I’ll give you…forty grand to
follow the Gandrine for four weeks. Twenty-four hours a day.”

“What? Why?”

“You’re turning down forty grand?”

“No, I’m just…there must be a
reason. And it’s probably bad. Otherwise, I can’t think of a more boring job. Hire
like three more people so we can at least talk and play cards.”

“How about I give you fifty grand
and you hire anyone you want? I can’t be chasing around people looking to sit
in front of Gandrine. Oh, but don’t let them see you.”

“I’m not sure they
can
see
us. Where are they now?”

“By my new apartment.” I opened my
door. “Well, not now. But I suspect they will be later. I’ll give you the
address. Stay in a building up the street, they’re all vacant.”

“Is this dangerous?”

“I can’t imagine. Even if the
Gandrine didn’t want you following them, if you crawl away from them they’ll
never catch you. But don’t let them see you.”

“I know. I know.” Cad sighed.

“This is a lot of money I’m
offering you,” I said, feeling as if he wasn’t being appreciative.

“Don’t get pissy. You’re basically asking
me to watch them watch nothing. That’s painful.”

“That’s basically what we did as
doormen.”

“No, we talked. Hung out. How drunk
can we get?”

“Not so drunk you can’t follow two
Gandrine without them knowing.”

“So, just short of comatose.”

“Hah hah. Do you want the job or
not?” I asked.

“I suppose. Give me the address.”

I didn’t have a way to hire enough
people to do the corporate job. I knew plenty of goons, but I couldn’t sit
around negotiating with each of them if I wanted to get this done in three
months.

I took out an ad in
The News:

Do you hate corporations? Can you fire a
gun reasonably well? Apply to Hank at the Belvaille Gentleman’s Club. 30,000
credit flat rate. Don’t tele him or drop by his apartment! I’m busy.

If that didn’t get people, nothing
would.

Delovoa got back to me pretty
quick.

“What’s all this about? Are you
forming a corporation or something?” he asked.

“No, just working with them again.
I need to attack another corporation.”

“You’re crazy!”

“I figure I can hire about 800
guys. Though how I’m going to organize that many people I don’t know.”

“Some corporations have heavy
armored vehicles.”

“Well, that’s where I need your help.
Besides, Naked Guy said we just need to disrupt their operations and—”

“Who?”

“Oh, he’s just my liaison.”

“Is his name really Naked Guy?”

“No. He doesn’t have a name. Or
clothes. Oh, he told me about the biological guys. The soldiers.”

I explained it to Delovoa who
listened carefully.

“I suppose that’s all possible. If
they could sell them I have to imagine they would make a fortune. See, it’s
technology like that I think the Confederation should be more open about.”

“What? Weren’t you telling me they
could kill us all if they sneezed?”

“What do I know? I’ve never worked
on them.”

I glared at my tele.

“Do you think you could get me
involved with their team?” he asked.

“I doubt it. We’re not exactly
friends. I suspect you’d have to join the corporation.”

Delovoa frowned.

“Forget it. I tried the business
route before,” he said.

“How’d that go?”

“I’m on Belvaille, aren’t I? How
much did he pay you for this job?” Delovoa asked curiously. “I saw you took out
an ad and this list of equipment is pretty amazing.”

I generally didn’t like to talk
about money matters, but Delovoa was different and I wanted to show off.

“Guess,” I said smugly.

Delovoa thought hard.

“Twenty—twenty-seven million,” he
said finally.

I blinked a few times.

“Thirty. How did you know that?”

“I’ve worked for the corporations
too. I don’t even know if they deal in credits at the high levels. They use
other forms of currency. Credits are like them scooping up a handful of air and
giving it to us.”

I was disappointed he hadn’t been
amazed.

“Well, it’s still money to me.”

“Oh, yeah. It’s a lot. You should
be proud.”

“Don’t patronize me.”

“I’m not. In fact, for me to help
you with this you’ll have to pay me fifty-five thousand.”

“Forty-five.”

“Fifty-five and I’ll field strip
and clean and repair your autocannon, which has almost certainly taken some
abuse since you’ve had it.”

“Alright. Alright. So get a
shopping list back to me of what I should order. Imagine you were coming along
with us and your life depended on us protecting you.”

“Which corporation are you going to
attack?”

“Does it matter?”