Happy Birthday Eternity (13 page)

My body feels tense as I try to force yesterday into claiming me.

And yesterday doesn’t want me, not today.

I stand up with a nervous shake that rattles around in my gut. 

Something should be happening.  Something should have happened. 

I need yesterday.  It’s how I live out my today’s.  It’s how I remember who I am.  It’s how I define my purpose and my place in this world.  My memory provides the context and reason for my existence.

I’m not interested in making new memories without Evaline. 

I’m hoping that the pills will take me to the answers that I need.

I’m hoping that they will make me remember where Evaline may have gone.

But everything is jumbled and tangled.  I feel as if my brain has threaded everything into a giant knot. 

I stand up and walk around.

Out my room and into the hall.

My parents are watching television.

The evening is here and the day has gone.

I smell a familiar smell and realize that there is food cooking.  It makes me hungry.  It makes me comfortable.

I peak into the kitchen.

It’s some sort of pasta dish and it makes me remember Evaline, just like everything else seems to make me remember her.

I feel a pain in my chest and in my brain.  It’s a pain that I can’t quite figure out.  It’s a pain that is becoming more and more familiar.  It’s a pain that grows sharper and sharper. 

I walk away from the food.

I don’t want to smell it.

Don’t want to be reminded of the things I can’t control.

I sit down with my parents.

My father has his arm around my mother.  They sit on the couch.  They watch television.  There’s a slight smile on his face as she pushes herself close to him. 

I look at my parents and realize how accustomed to each other they have become.  They may even be in love, but I can’t tell.  I know that I couldn’t tell when I was in love. 

‘How are you doing?’

And this is my Dad asking me the questions.  I feel as if I haven’t spoken with him in years.  His voice is soft and gentle and it makes me think of times where we would hang out. 

The moments are faded and fractured in my head, but there was a time where we were close.  There was a time where he and I would talk about life.  We used to go and do things together.  He’d complain about my mom and I’d complain about Evaline.  But much like the continents; we drifted.

And we care about each other, but it’s a different sort of caring. 

A different sort of affection.

Because time will take everything in the end.  It’s something I’ve slowly begun to realize.

And though I am his son and he is my father, we have forgotten the roles that we once had.

‘I’m ok.  Feeling a little weird I guess.’

My parents both look at me.

My mom speaks up: ‘What’s going on?’

I’m not sure how to answer.  Nor do I really want to. 

‘I’m just having an off night is all.’

I let the brevity of my statement provide the majority of my communication.  She looks at me.  Soft eyes and tight skin.  She’s concerned but doesn’t know what to say.

I change the subject. 

‘When’s dinner?’

‘We already ate.’

The lingering smells aren’t lingering quite as much.

I pause.

I’m not sure what to say or do or think.

My mom looks at me: ‘Do you remember when you were young?  When you and your friend Jim would go on all those adventures?  You would always go camping for days at a time.  You seemed so happy with him.  He brought something out of you that I haven’t seen in a long time.  Whatever happened to him?’

Then Evaline, the imaginary one, walks in to the room.  She’s smiling and wearing a new outfit and she looks beautiful.  I look at her.  I look at her wedding ring.  My heart skips a beat and my head starts to ache.

And then my mom turns her head and smiles towards something that’s just over my shoulder.

‘So you must be Evaline?’

And then we are around a campfire.

Smoke fills the air.

21

There are few things that cause me to feel shaken.

This is obviously one of them.

It’s been a minute and I’m not feeling any better.

Evaline smiles at my mom.  She opens her mouth. 

‘I’m doing pretty well.  It was a long day at work.  Sometimes I wonder if everyone but me is incompetent at their job! Otherwise I wouldn’t have been so late in getting here.  But don’t worry, I remembered the marshmallows!’  And she holds up a bag.

And my mom, she smiles and laughs a polite sort of laugh.  My father, he smiles and then looks to me. 

‘What is going on here?’

Everyone looks at me for a moment and then turns away. 

I pause.

I breathe deep.

I twist my nervous fingers around and around and around.

Then I realize that this is all a memory.  This isn’t too long after my parents and Evaline met.

And I’m not sure how this happened.  I’m not sure how the past has snuck up on me in this fashion.  Because the walls should have melted away.  Because I should have noticed some sort of change. 

Instead it all happened in a blink of time.

One moment I’m at my parent’s, the next moment I’m at a campsite that’s roughly one hundred feet away from a parking lot. 

And for all the tree’s and foliage, I can still smell the exhaust from the world around me. 

A few more deep breathes and then I smile wide and get with the moment.

‘I’m sure everyone knows how to do their jobs!  It’s just that you’re far better at it is all.’

I feel awkward.  Out of place.  Unsure and insecure about what should be easy for me.  My words are stuttering and stopping and failing me all at once.

My mom: ‘How is living together?’

Evaline: ‘It’s going really well… well, as long as I can keep Ellis in line.  He has a tendency to be a slob.  But I think it’s just because he’s such a forgetful person. But hey, he’ll figure things out eventually.  I mean, you don't run a race if you know that it doesn't matter when you finish.’ 

Everyone laughs.

‘I think he’d lose his head if it weren’t attached to his body!’

And my mom laughs.

‘Sometimes I wonder if he’s lost his mind as it is!’

I laugh.

‘I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to bring his lunch to him at work.  It’s like I’m there almost as much as he is!  Sometimes I feel like I should just wait at his work with all his daily supplies.  It might be easier for our relationship!’

There’s a lull and I feel my mind spinning around.

‘Like yesterday, he had forgotten a whole bunch of important documents for a presentation he had to give!  I had to take them all to him in the middle of his conference.’

And then I remember back to that day.  A room full of executives and me in a suit that cut off all my circulation.  I felt like a complete jackass in that familiar conference room.

And I pause.

I breathe in.

I twist my nervous fingers in my nervous hands as my nervous body starts to connect the dots.

My adrenaline is flooding me.  My heart is in my throat.

‘Holy shit!  I know where you are!’

22

She’s at my old job.  In my old office building.  I should have realized it before. Where else would you find an abandoned building in this city?  There aren’t any. 

I feel dizzy.

23

It’s a slow and sickly walk.  Bile creeps up my throat and nerves make my feet feel like dead weight.

I don’t know what I’m expecting, but I expect something.

I woke up from yesterday with a head that felt cracked wide open.  Complete with spinning eyes and aching skin.  I could hardly see straight because everything about my existence was throbbing. 

And now as I walk to where I used to work, I start to wonder what it would mean if I did find her.  Would things be the same as they always were?  Would we fight about the same things we always fought about?  Would we laugh at the same stupid inside jokes?  Would we eat dinner together every Friday night?  Would we still dance every Thursday?

I’ve never faced anything like this.  For a moment I feel myself alternating between a feeling of exhilaration and absolute terror. 

Will she understand how I feel about her?  Will I understand how I feel about her?

Am I going into this with the expectation that things will be as they once were? 

My hands are shaking.

The air is cool but not cold.

My skin looks pale and pinched like it’s trying to escape my body.

And I try to make myself feel centered. 

I can’t.

I can’t and so my thoughts spin until my guts get dizzy.

What should I expect when I get there? 

Am I going to be tied up and beaten like before? 

Is she going to greet me or is Dylan going to attack me?

I don’t know what to expect.  I don’t even care.  I barrel forward with the hope that something will be resolved.

And maybe that’s just what I shouldn’t be doing

Because what are the odds that she’ll really be there?

I’ve been down this road before.  Full of hope and excitement.  Driven by the strange delusion that if I keep pushing forward, then everything might just go back to the way it was. 

And I want my future to look like my past, yet I don’t know what my past is.

And I think back to conversations I had with Evaline.

The silly conversations where we made plans that we knew would be broken. 

And I walk up to my former office and  stop at the front door. 

It’s run down and boarded up.  For a second I think that I’m crazy to even imagine her staying at a place like this. 

But it’s only for a second.  A second and then I swallow my doubts and try the front door.

It’s not locked.

I go in.

My head starts to ache.

There’s a rush of smells and sights that flood me.

They flood me until I’m weak in the knee’s.

Until I drop to the ground.

And then I’m at my old desk.

24

Neon lights and ringing phones.

I’m wearing an old suit and staring at a computer screen while my boss hammers on my dignity.

‘Did you really think it was ok to put this in my box without proofreading it?’

He throws a stack of papers down in front of me.

His face is red and his neck muscles are tight.  He’s staring at me with a white hot glare.

It makes my skin ache.

‘Maybe you could do things right if your fucking wife wasn’t always visiting you at work.’

And this is how it was.

Another part of my endless life of eating shit.

I resent my boss.

I resent my job.

And if I remember correctly, this is the exact moment where I forgot how to love Evaline.

Is that even possible?  To remember the exact moment that you forgot something?

‘Your god damned wife is going to be the end of you and your fucking job.  She’s going to destroy everything good in your life if you let her.’

And I sit.  Taking it. 

At the time, I believed him.

It was ages ago.

I was young.

Stupid.

And I listened because I wanted to be on top of everything.

And my boss, he hovers over me while I stare at my computer screen.

I’m waiting to hear the words that come out of my mouth.  The shit eating words that show how I have no spine.

Because, if I remember correctly, this is the point where I apologize for being the royal fuck-up that I am.  This is where I throw away my pride.  This is where I abandon my wife.

And I wait.

My fingers tap.

My jaw clenches.

I feel a rage that makes my insides shake.

And nothing happens.

I don’t apologize.

He doesn’t move.

Seconds tick by and I realize that something is wrong.

This isn’t how I remember things happening.

And my boss, he opens his mouth: ‘Well?’

And I clench my fist and push my chair back.