Hanging Pawns (The Fate Series Book 2) (12 page)

Don’t offer your first name to the guy and make him think you like him. You’re done with me now… just leave.

“Oh… Ted it is then, I apologize,” Josh says, gathering the rest of the glasses from his house and shutting the door behind him. I stand to dump the glass into one of the trashcans. Snapping the tray onto the broom, I lay it against the house to take the glasses from Josh who walks past me with my dad into the house.

I begin to panic over what Josh is going to think when he finds out why he is really here.

Following them in, I shut the door behind me and toss my keys on the counter. Josh sets the glasses on the counter.

“I was actually getting ready to leave. I said what I needed to say.” My father gives me a look.

I swallow the hurt, the tears, the anger, and I try to figure out a way to fix this all, to get back in his good graces. It isn’t the money or anything like that. Thanks to him I have money… in a bank account that only he and I know about. Like I’m now some secret charity case.  It’s the loss, the finality of it. Leaving is one thing, being told you aren’t wanted back is another.

He reaches back into his coat to pull out one last thing. “Time, Mea Culpa.” He hesitates. I already know what he wants to say. His face looks old, worn down like he hasn’t slept in forever. “Make sure you spend yours wisely. I wish I had more time with you.” He hands me the box and then turns to leave.

The tears I’ve been choking down now roll slowly down my cheeks. I open the box to see my name engraved in the watch along with his famous saying.

What did I do?

“Please don’t go,” I cry out, running out the front door behind him. “Don’t leave me. Just stay, help me understand what I did so wrong to make you hate me,” I beg, running down the steps of the porch. My hand clutching the watch so hard it hurts.

But my childlike pleas are no use, and we both know it’s just making it harder.

“We will see each other again, someday. When life is easy and you are happy. Please take the money in the account. No one knows it’s there. I will fax my paperwork in for the name change, and she won’t be able to hurt you anymore. I promise.” His voice is breaking with his words.

Her…

This is her doing.

He walks up the steps, wrapping his arms around me and placing a kiss on my forehead. Releasing a heavy sigh, he places his hands on my shoulders and pushes me back to detach himself from my hands so he can walk away.

This can’t be how it ends.

“I could change!” I yell out stopping him in his path. “I can… I will! I will do whatever she says, marry and be happy that someone is willing to marry me! I can turn a blind eye while the man she picks cheats on me with his secretary. If that is what she wants, if that is what you want, I can do it. I will give this all up.” The tears stream down my face. “Once upon a time, you could look at me and I felt loved. I can be the daughter you loved, I know I can. I will give all this up.” I turn to point at the house where Josh is standing watching me try to salvage some small speck of my life.

“Please don’t leave me! I will prove I can do this.” I walk further toward him.

I lied… there is one thing I miss. No matter how much he doesn’t love me, I love him and I will do anything for him. Even give up my dreams for a chance to be his girl again.

His hand on the door of the car, he gives me one last look. “No you can’t sweetheart, and I won’t let you. I love you too much to watch you do that to yourself. I promise it will be okay. Remember, being like her won’t make her love you. She doesn’t have it in her to love you, and she doesn’t deserve your love either. She will use you until there is nothing good left and then she will go right back to hating you. I’m so sorry I allowed it to go on for so long, and I won’t ask for your forgiveness because I don’t deserve it. I hope you will see what I have done for you… someday. You are free.” His voice breaks. 

Even though I know he’s right, I can’t help thinking about what life would be like if I could turn it all off and walk through each day lifeless.

I stand here, small whimpers escaping past my lips until I can’t see the taillights any longer. I’m not sure how long I stand here before I hear Josh speak. 

“I think maybe we should go inside…” Josh’s voice gets closer to me.  

I feel… empty.

The dried lines of tears have left the skin on my face feeling tight and puffy. Turning around, I storm past Josh without a passing glance and run up the steps, slamming the door behind me as I make my way to my bedroom. Grabbing scissors from my drawer, I toss all the clothes
she
ever bought me onto the floor and kneel down next to them. The sound of the shears cutting into the fabric fills the room, but I want more… I need more. I want to know what it feels like to let the rage consume me. I want to know what it feels like to be
her
. Grabbing the material I rip the seams apart.

I lied. I don’t feel empty… I feel angry. 

Screaming out how much I hate her, the cloth scraps fall around me. And suddenly laughter pours out of me. The more I shred through the silks, the satins, and the money… her money, the harder I laugh. Money, that’s all my bitch of a mother cares about. I sit back onto my heels to catch my breath and admire my handiwork, another round of tears washing over me.

“It was her. My whole life, it was her. She made me think he hated me, but it was really her,” I sob.

Pulling my hair out of my face it all becomes clear. I grab my hair into a manageable chunk and lift the scissors to line them.

“Do I look like you now… Mother?” I growl, my hand squeezing the handles of the scissors together.

“STOP!” Josh yells, running at me. But he’s a second too late. The blade slices through, breaking it away and leaving a clump of blond in my hand as they join together.

“Are you crazy? You could have stabbed me!” he screams.

I smile, thumbing through the cut strands.

“Do you want to know why my hair is long? Because I can assure you it’s not what I want, but who cares what I want, it’s about what will make her happy, what will make her want to be around me! I have long hair because women are supposed to have long hair!” I grab another chunk to cut off. “Because people…” Snip. “Are measured by personal worth and you achieve personal worth from what you can do for people. Which means, I am worthless to her because I can’t do anything she wants… marry for money…” Snip.  “Nope can’t do that,” I say, severing another chunk of hair. “Be like my sisters… and turn a blind eye, nope can’t do that either…” More pieces fall to the ground. “You know why she doesn’t like me? I’m sorry, scratch that. Why she doesn’t love me?” I look up at him.

He stays quiet and shakes his head so I continue.

“It’s because I’m nothing, and as much as people want to believe I look like her… I don’t. I really look like my father! The one person she hates more than me. I always thought it, but I wasn’t sure. I mean, what mother could hate her own child? Then it hit me, my mother could hate her own daughter and that’s why I left home; because I wanted a life, a real life. I wanted to work and make my own name. There is the big secret, are you happy?” I ask him, he doesn’t reply. “Actually, no, that isn’t all. Do you want all my dirty secrets? All those things you’re just waiting for me to tell… well here it is. My clothes were packed that way because one night I left home, one night when I could no longer stand her taking all her rage out on me. I ran away, and I didn’t want to be found, but it was my choice, not hers. My car, that car you hate so much. I saved every dime to buy that and restore it.” His brows pinch together in confusion. “Cars, like people, can be the most beautiful things. They are strong, and tough, and destructive.” I hesitate, swallowing the emotion that has suddenly built up in my throat. “But cars… like people, need love… they need to be taken care of or they rust.” My gaze drops to the floor. “My car… like me, is lifeless on the outside—we’re rusted, looked over, and forgotten about.” My voice trembles as it becomes softer. “But if we’re given a chance to open up to the right person, you’ll see that’s where our beauty lies. The outside of a car, just like people, is only cosmetic… it’s the interior that matters.” I give a small smile, lopping off the last chunk. I drop the scissors and stare at my newly cut hair all over the floor.

My hands cover my face to hide the sudden burst of tears from him. “You stupid man… why couldn’t you just leave me alone? Why couldn’t you just see I’m not worth it? Why did you have to make me want to let you in?” I sob against my legs.

His hand touches that spot on my back, calming me.

“Because when I looked at you, I saw my entire world, and it was as though someone turned on a light switch. I just wanted to be the one to turn yours on.” He pulls me close to him. “Why didn’t you just push me away?” he asks, his fingers working through the back of my newly cut hair.

I slowly sit up, wiping the tears from my face before I look at him. “Because you wanted to stand next to me when I was nothing more than rags and garbage bags.” I feel tears racing down my cheeks. “And it was as though someone had seen something in me that I didn’t know was there.” I put my head against his chest. “Like a light that was too dim for anyone else to see.” I sigh. “Thank you, for looking past the rust,” I whisper.

The last of my tears fall and numbness fills my brain and body.

His hand brushes through my hair before he slides his arm up around my shoulders. He lies back against the bed, clearing his throat when he starts to speak again.

“So… I must say, I like your hair short better.” He pauses as if he is waiting for me to answer, but I have no reply. “Not to change the subject, but are you going to invite me to eat or what? This has been a long night, and I saw stuffing and turkey in the fridge. Which I hope to God you did not thaw with a hair dryer. However, I didn’t see mashed potatoes so I’ll run to my house and grab potatoes then we can do this right.” He releases me to clean up the pieces of cut material and pushes them into a pile in the closet. “We’ll leave these for the girls… they love a project.” He claps his hands together. Grabbing the cut hair, he tosses them into the trashcan by my side table. 

I sit here silent, staring at missed strings and strands that still decorate the floor.

“You okay?” He crouches down next to me.

My dad’s words loop in my head.

“I lost everything I never really had,” I whisper. “Who does that?” I give a breathy laugh while still focused on the floor. “How is one person so incapable of being loved?”

“You are incapable of the wrong kind of love, Mea. Someday, you will learn the difference, then this won’t matter.” He slides his fingers through my hair again. “I promise, it won’t always be like this. Someday you will realize what love really feels like.”

I look up at Josh. “Someday.” I whisper.

Planting a firm kiss on the top of my head, he stands up and with a quick pull, stands me up in front of him.

“Come now, Ms. Andrews, we have reservations, and if we’re late the food won’t get cooked.”

His hand slides to its spot on my back, and I truly believe it will all be alright.

When everything is done cooking, we spend the rest of the night eating and lying on the couch watching movies. Neither one of us daring to bring up the events of the evening. My head resting on Josh’s arm, I drift in and out of consciousness. The last thing I feel is him pulling the throw from the back of the couch over us and tucking me into his chest.

My heart begins to beat with a feeling I remember from when I was small, and I pray to God this time I get to hold onto this feeling for the rest of my life.

“Time has been transformed, and we have changed; it has advanced and set us in motion; it has unveiled its face, inspiring us with bewilderment and exhilaration.”

~ Kahlil Gibran

The next few weeks fly by as we prepare for finals and winter break. I haven’t heard anything from my family since I last saw my father which leads me to believe it’s all done.

“My last final is Tuesday at two… the plane leaves at five. I want to make it home before Mom and Dad get there.” Molly once again is going over Christmas plans as Morgan and I roll our eyes at her from across the breakfast table.

“I feel very rude about barging in on your family Christmas… Are you sure your parents won’t mind?” I wrinkle my nose at them.

With a huff Molly starts the same speech she has given me since we had made the plans for me to go home with them.

“Are you kidding me? They are so excited! My sister and her friend Jacob will be there for a couple days. Her roommate is going home for Christmas, but you will get to meet her too before that. They are amazing makeup artists!” She can’t help but gush over her sister whenever she is brought up. 

“She isn’t a makeup artist yet,” Morgan begins. “She is still in school… however, she is amazing. She and Lex are at the top of their class.” Morgan gets swept into the excitement that is Sidney.

“How do you know that?” Molly gives her a questioning look.