Hamish X Goes to Providence Rhode Island (36 page)

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   I know it seems strange that a grown man, and especially a grown evil man, would laugh in such a childish way, saying, “Tee hee” all the time instead of a more manly “Ho ho” or “Ha ha,” but I assure you that I am merely being accurate. According to witnesses I have interviewed and former crew members (including Monkey-Knees and Rodney, who were thrown clear of the explosion into the sea and picked up by a fisherman after drifting for several days), Captain Ironbuttocks laughed in an odd and unlikely way. Don't doubt me. Ever.

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   Yes, the plural of Yeti is Yetii. I'm sure you've never seen the plural of Yeti before as they rarely congregate in one place. Trust me. I am quite sure about this. If there is one thing I know, it is plural forms. One deer, two deer. One moose, two moose. One pie, pie squared. Ha ha ha! A little math joke for you. It may not be funny now but wait until you study trigonometry! You'll suddenly laugh out loud and be asked to leave the classroom.

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   I hate to mention smoking in this story, but I have to be accurate. Ironbuttocks did, in fact, smoke a cigar. Don't you do the same! It is a very bad habit that will take years off your life. So does being evil, so Ironbuttocks was bound to have a very short life indeed.

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Tannoy
is the name for the public address system on a ship. It comes from the name of the British manufacturer of public address systems, the Tannoy Company. Not very funny, not very interesting, but nevertheless true.

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Barnacles
are small shells that cluster on underwater surfaces. In a recent poll among sailors, “barnacle” was voted the third funniest name for a shell creature. Number one was “winkle,” and coming in slightly behind it at number two was “whelk.”

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   Laughing under water is one of the leading causes of death among scuba divers. As a result, the World Scuba Organization has banned all waterproof joke books and passed a strict prohibition against undersea tickling.

⁴⁴
   I'm sure you are sitting there, saying to yourself, “Well, of course someone could penetrate your defences, and without much difficulty.” Mr. Sweet probably saw Parveen out of the corner of his eye. But Parveen came into the Headquarters of the ODA in a most unusual manner as part of their own cargo. The Grey Agents are like almost every villainous organization in history in that they have an overweening arrogance in assuming that their defences are impenetrable. Thank goodness for that! If villains weren't so ridiculously overconfident, they would never be defeated. If only the evil people of the world would just sit back and consider the possibility that they might be wrong once in a while, they might succeed more often … What am I saying? Let's hope evil people continue to cut their noses off to spite their faces until the end of time!

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   A grouper is a species of fish that is renowned for having a wide, gaping mouth.

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   A common difficulty when it comes to children. Every adult is considered ancient.

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   See Book I.

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Prawn
is another word for shrimp. I prefer using the word
prawn
as it avoids the embarrassing ridiculousness that occurs when eating jumbo shrimp. I mean, really, jumbo shrimp?! It's silly! It's like saying, “Look at the huge dwarf!” or “Look at the honest politician!” or “Wow, this was tasty soil!” (That last one was a stretch, although if you've ever tasted soil, I'm sure you'd find it quite bland … unless you are an earthworm, which leads me to wonder how you learned to read … or even hold this book.)

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   The Atlanteans must be forgiven for allowing children to drink wine. They really didn't know any better. Also, the Atlantean wine, fermented from kelp, has incredible healing powers even if it does smell slightly of fish.

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   Mayday is the international verbal signal of distress for operators of ships and planes. It is derived from the French phrase
Venez m'aidez!,
which, translated into English, is literally
Come help me!
It replaces the older and more cumbersome
Bougez votre derrière! Je vais mourir, ici, idiot!
(Move your butt! I'm dying here, idiot!)

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   Invertebrates are animals that have no spines. They include earthworms, molluscs, and bread.

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   Greenwich Mean Time is so called because it is the time at the prime meridian, or zero degrees longitude. Zero longitude is the imaginary line that runs north to south from pole to pole. Some English astronomer or other decided that the town of Greenwich was the centre of the universe, and so time is computed from there. A little egotistical, but there you go. I always like to think that I am the centre of the universe and so, wherever I happen to be, it is always noon. This is a confusing way to live, but I enjoy it.

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   The military requires very precise timekeeping, as many of their operations are dependent on punctuality, and, of course, it is common knowledge that Zulus are the most punctual people on Earth.

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Anthropomorphic
is an old Greek word for humanlike. Why not just say humanlike? Because I like the word
anthropomorphic
. And I am telling the story, so there!

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   A
hypothesis
is a proposed truth that needs to be proven through further investigation and experimentation, whereas a
theory
is proven beyond a shadow of a doubt. They are very different. One is proven and the other is not. I know this does not seem important right now, but I had this drilled into my mind by my extremely kooky high school physics teacher and I thought you ought to suffer as I had to. Thank you, Mr. Cowan.

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   None of these mighty cubes has survived. As soon as the Atlanteans taught the Egyptians how to build pyramids, the Pharaohs had all the Great Cubes dismantled because they thought they were extremely boring. Pyramids are way more fun because one can take a slippery metal sled and slide down the side of them into the soft sand. Pyramid Tobogganing has been banned in modern Egypt because the toboggans tend to scratch the stone and leave unsightly marks on the monuments. Still, illegal tobogganing expeditions are a bane to the local police.

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   Mimi is referring to Amanda, the mammoth from Book I:
Hamish X and the Cheese Pirates
.

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   Xnasha is referring to the Rhode Island Red, a breed of chicken that takes its name from the tiny state on the eastern seaboard of the United States. Only one other U.S. state developed its own variety of chicken: the New York Taxi Driving Chicken. These chickens were capable of driving taxicabs and laying eggs at the same time. The variety has become extinct because hungry passengers caught in traffic jams tended to devour the chickens. It was not uncommon in the 1950s to see a passenger frying his driver on the hot block of an overheated taxi.

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   A pedestal is a short pillar upon which one might display a piece of sculpture or statuary. It looks like a stubby little pillar, but it is not, technically, a pillar at all. To call a pedestal a pillar would be utter madness. A pedestal is also definitely not a plinth, which is the stone block that supports the bottom of a pillar or pedestal. I would like to thank the Plinth, Pedestal, and Pillar Enthusiasts Society for its help in creating this footnote.

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   The
abdomen
is the region of the human body directly below the ribs and above the thighs. Lots of interesting organs are stuffed in the abdomen, including the stomach, the intestines, and the pancreas. I love the word
pancreas
. I'm not sure I know what the pancreas does … but I love it anyway.

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Coalesce
is a combination form of the words
coal
and
fluoresce
. Coal miners in Pennsylvania in the 1930s would become so blackened with coal dust that they were invisible to one another. Many dangerous accidental collisions led the miners to smear themselves with fluorescent or glowing paint so that they would be visible in the darkness. People would shout, “Hey, look! The coal miners are fluorescing!” That was shortened to “Look! They're coalescing.” Now
coalesce
is synonymous with something seeming to solidify out of thin air. What does
synonymous
mean? Go look it up!

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   You may say, “Of course they look lethal. All rifles are lethal.” How wrong you are. There are some rifles that fire tranquilizers and some fire rubber pellets that stun rather than kill. There are also rifles that fire tiny cream pies and are used exclusively by the Clown Armies of Central Nepal.

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Falsehood
is an interesting word. It comes from the Middle Ages when monks, if they were found guilty of lying, were forced to wear a bright red hood or “falsehood” so that everyone in the community would be aware of their guilt. Other transgressions had particular articles of clothing associated as punishments. Thieves were forced to wear bright green gloves. Chronic bedwetters wore bright yellow pants. Nose-pickers wore orange socks … on their noses. This kind of punishment was very effective until monks started to gain some fashion sense in the early Renaissance and took to committing all the transgressions so they could flounce around in colourful outfits.

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   There are truly no ships in the desert. There wouldn't be much point, would there? However, camels are known as the “ships of the desert” because of their capacity to carry heavy loads over long distances while requiring very little in the way of food or water. Animals are often characterized as vehicles in many cultures. The Belgians call ponies the “taxicabs of the pasture” and the people of India are known to call cows the “milk trucks of the jungle.” I myself call squirrels the “roller skates of the forest,” but I am completely alone in that.

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   Bedouins are a nation of nomadic peoples who roam the deserts from Saudi Arabia to the Western Sahara. They have a number of different linguistic groups and tribal divisions, but they constitute one single ethnic entity. The name
Bedouin
is shrouded in mystery, although some have said it comes from an ancient practice that saw tribal leaders, or “sheiks” as they are called, betting against one another on horse races. Sometimes these sheiks were compulsive gamblers, betting all their wealth on the outcome of a single race. When they had lost everything, they would be left only with the carpets they slept on, and some would even bet these, saying, for example, “I'll bet my bed on the black horse to win.” Which was often shortened to “Bed to win!” And shortened still more to “Bedouin.” But this may just be a long, amusing story that has no basis in historical fact.

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   Hamish X is right: tattoos are forever. I have never been tattooed because I have very beautiful, soft, pale skin that is completely without blemish. I wouldn't mar such perfection with an anchor or a flaming snake or a raging otter or what have you. I knew a man in Turkey who got a tattoo of a moustache on his upper lip. Utterly foolish. He grew a moustache on top of his moustache tattoo and was arrested because the intensity of his double moustache drove ducks insane. The Turks have some strange ideas, but they are very loyal to their duck population.

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   Mercenaries are soldiers who are paid to fight. Soldiers who fight for a country's army usually do it for political reasons, to further the cause of their nation or defend it in times of war. Mercenaries are professional soldiers who sell their services to the highest bidder. Some mercenaries have been known to fight for food coupons, but they are very unsuccessful mercenaries for the most part. I once heard of a mercenary who fought for a sandwich, but he was very, very hungry at the time.

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Via
is a Latin word that means “by way of.” Example: I entered the house
via
the door. Or I'm going to New York
via
Washington. One wonders why we don't all still speak Latin because it seems to have a shorter way of saying most things.

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   A
fruitless
search: the expression comes from the ancient Greek tradition of rewarding children with a piece of fruit whenever they managed to find their way through a maze constructed by the city elders. The tradition was designed to improve children's sense of direction, to occupy the children for a while so their parents could get some work done, and to get rid of excess fruit. A child who didn't find his or her way through the maze received no fruit and therefore their search had been fruitless.

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   Molasses is raw, unrefined sugar in the form of thick black syrup that is delicious on pancakes. If spread all over one's body, it is very effective at deterring weasels and preserving body heat. Don't ask me how I know that … I just do. Go back to the story.

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Divulge
is a fancy word for
tell
. Divulging, however, is worse than just telling. Only secrets can be divulged. Next time someone tells one of your secrets, point at them and shout, “Divulger!” They will be confused. You will gain the respect of dictionary writers everywhere.

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   Mimi is referring to the unwritten law that all ships are considered female. No one knows the origin of this tradition, but it is strictly adhered to. All ships are called she. What is less well known is that all buses are called he and all airplanes are called Mr. Wiggly. I have yet to have anyone fully explain the reason for this.