Halo (18 page)

“Sit, Phantom,” she said in the kind of gooey voice people usually reserve for infants. “Sit for Mommy.”

I knew Phantom wouldn’t obey so long as she adopted that tone with him. He was a very intelligent dog and didn’t like being patronized. I imagined the expression on his face to be one of disdain.

“Don’t be too long,” Gabriel cautioned me.

He knew I was going to take an evening walk along the beach with some friends, and he also knew that Xavier would be among them. He’d raised no objection to this, so I figured he must be mellowing on the topic of my social life. The weight of our mission meant that sometimes each of us simply needed to escape from the task. Nobody protested when he went for a solitary run or when Ivy locked herself away in the guesthouse with only her sketchbook for company. So there was no reason why I shouldn’t be allowed the same courtesy when I needed time out.

They trusted me enough not to ask too many questions, and I hated myself for the way I was about to betray them. But there was no question of backing out now—I wanted to invite Xavier into my secret world, I craved the intimacy. Mingled with my determination was a nagging fear that such a contravention would result in serious punishment. But I forced the worry from my mind and filled it instead with an image of Xavier’s face. After tonight we would face everything together.

I didn’t intend staying out long—just long enough to tell Xavier my secret and deal with whatever his reaction might be. I had been over and over the possible outcomes in my head and had finally narrowed them down to three. He could be enthralled, appalled, or frightened. Would he think I belonged in a museum? Would he even believe the truth when I finally mustered the nerve to say it aloud or would he think it was an elaborate hoax? I was about to find out.

“Bethany’s quite capable of looking after herself,” said Ivy. “Sit, Phantom! Sit down!”

“It’s not Bethany—it’s the rest of the world I’m worried about,” said Gabriel. “We’ve seen some of the stupid things that go on. Just be careful and keep your eyes open.”

“Will do!” I said, giving him a military salute and ignoring the sharp pang of guilt in my chest. Gabriel wasn’t going to forgive this one in a hurry.

“Sit, Phantom!” Ivy cooed. “On your bottom!”

“Oh, for goodness’ sake!” Gabriel put down his book and pointed a long finger at Phantom. “Sit,” he commanded in a deep voice.

Phantom looked sheepish and sank straight to the floor.

Ivy scowled in frustration. “I’ve been trying to get him to do that all day! What is it with dogs and male authority?”

I ran lightly down the narrow steps to the scrubby track leading to the beach. Sometimes there were snake tracks in the sand and the occasional lizard darted across the path. Twigs snapped underfoot and the trees grew so dense in places that they formed a canopy over my head through which only slivers of the setting sun’s light managed to slip. An orchestra of cicadas drowned out all sound save for the roaring of the ocean. I knew that if I lost my way I could always follow the sound of the sea.

I reached the silky, white sand of the beach, which squeaked under my feet. The location for the bonfire was out near the cliffs because everybody knew it would be deserted. I headed along the beach, thinking how much more rugged the landscape looked at night. There was nobody around save for a lone fisherman casting his line from the shore. I watched him reel in and inspect his catch before throwing its thrashing body back to the waves. I noticed that the ocean varied in color: inky blue at its deepest point where it met the horizon; closer to aquamarine in the middle; and the waves that lapped at the shore were pale green and glassy. In the distance I could see a promontory jutting out, and at its top was perched a white lighthouse. It looked about the size of a thimble from where I stood.

By now it was getting dark. Up ahead I heard the sound of voices and then saw figures piling notes, exam papers, worksheets, and other flammable items into a large mound in preparation for the bonfire. There was no blaring music or a mass of seething bodies as there had been at Molly’s party. Instead the few present lay around on the sand, taking swigs from bottles of beer and sharing crumpled cigarettes. Molly and her friends hadn’t arrived yet.

Xavier was sitting on a fallen log half buried in the sand. He wore jeans, a floppy pale blue sweatshirt, and the silver cross around his neck. He held a half-empty bottle and was laughing at an impersonation by one of the boys. The firelight dancing across his face made him look more entrancing than ever.

“Hey, Beth,” someone called out, and the others acknowledged me with waves and nods. Had people finally stopped treating us as “newsworthy” and just accepted that we now came as a package deal? I smiled shyly at everyone and quickly slid in beside Xavier where I felt secure.

“You smell amazing,” Xavier said as he bent to kiss the top of my head. A few of his friends whistled and nudged him or rolled their eyes.

“Come on.” He helped me up. “Let’s go.”

“Leaving already?” one of his friends joked.

“Just going for a walk,” Xavier said in good humor. “If that’s okay with you.”

A few catcalls followed us as we strolled away from the group and the warmth of the fledgling bonfire. They came from Xavier’s closest circle of friends so I knew their intention was not to offend. Soon their voices had petered to a distant hum.

“Xavier, I can’t stay out long.”

“I figured that much.”

He slung an arm casually around my shoulders as we headed up the beach in silence, toward the jagged cliffs, now nothing more than serrated silhouettes against the midnight sky. The warm pressure of Xavier’s arm made me feel safe and protected from everything. I knew as soon as I left him that cold uncertainty would return.

When I cut my foot on the sharp edge of a shell, Xavier insisted on carrying me. I was grateful that in the darkness he couldn’t see the cut heal of its own accord. Even though the pain in my foot had subsided, I continued to cling to him, enjoying his attention. I relaxed my body, allowing it to meld with his. In my enthusiasm to get close, I accidentally poked him in the eye. I felt as clumsy as a schoolgirl when I should have been as graceful as an angel. I apologized profusely.

“It’s okay, I’ve got another one,” he joked, his eye watering from the jab. He squinted and blinked, trying to clear it.

He put me down when we reached a sandy inlet shadowed by the looming cliff face. The jagged rocks formed an ancient archway, like a portal to another world, and the moonlight turned the sand a pearly blue color. A steep flight of steps led to the top of the cliff, which offered the best view of the lighthouse. In the water scattered rock formations rose like monoliths. People hardly ever ventured out this way except for the occasional group of tourists. Most were happy to hang around the main beach, where the cafés and souvenir shops were a short stroll away. The spot was completely secluded—there wasn’t anything or anybody within view. The only sound was the pounding of the sea, like a hundred voices speaking in a mysterious tongue.

Xavier sat down and rested his back against the cool rock. I hovered next to him, not wanting to delay the inevitable any longer but without the faintest idea how to start. We both knew why we’d come: I had something I wanted to get off my chest. I imagined it had been on Xavier’s mind as well as mine, but he had no idea what was coming.

He waited for me to speak, but my mouth felt as dry as a cracker. This was supposed to be my moment. I’d planned to reveal my true identity to him tonight. All week I’d felt as if time was moving slowly, the hours inching by at a snail’s pace. But now that the moment had finally arrived, I seemed to be buying more time. I was like an actor who’d forgotten her lines, even though the rehearsal had been flawless. I knew the gist of what I was supposed to say, but I had forgotten how I was meant to say it, the gestures that should accompany it, the timing of the delivery. I paced up and down the sand, twisting my hands and wondering where and how to begin. Despite the warmth of the night, I shivered. My hesitation was starting to make Xavier uncomfortable.

“Whatever it is, Beth, just get it over with. I can handle it.”

“Thanks, but it’s a little more complicated than that.”

I’d been over the scene in my head a hundred times, but now the words died on my tongue.

Xavier stood up and put both hands reassuringly on my shoulders. “You know, whatever you’re about to tell me won’t change my opinion of you. It can’t.”

“Why can’t it?”

“I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’m crazy about you.”

“Really?” I said, pleasantly sidetracked by his pronouncement.

“So you hadn’t noticed? That’s not a good thing—I’m going to have to be more demonstrative in future.”

“That’s if you still want us to have a future after tonight.”

“Once you get to know me better, you’ll learn that I don’t run away. I take a long time to make decisions about people, but once I do, I stick by them.”

“Even when you’re wrong?”

“I don’t believe I’m wrong about you.”

“How can you say that when you don’t know what I’m about to tell you?” I muttered.

Xavier opened his arms wide, as though inviting me to hit him with the truth.

“Let me prove it to you.”

“I can’t,” I said, my voice catching. “I’m scared. What if you never want to see me again?”

“That isn’t going to happen, Beth,” he said more forcefully. He lowered his voice and spoke seriously. “I know this is hard for you, but you’re going to have to trust me.”

I looked into his eyes, like two blue pools, and knew that he was right. And I did trust him.

“First tell me something,” I said. “What’s the scariest thing that’s ever happened to you?”

Xavier thought for a moment.

“Well, being at the top of a hundred-foot rappel drop was pretty scary, and once when I was traveling with the under-fourteen state water-polo team, I broke one of the rules and Coach Benson took me outside. He’s a pretty scary guy when he wants to be and ripped me to shreds. He banned me from the game against Creswell the next day.”

For the first time I was struck by Xavier’s human innocence; if this was his definition of a frightening experience, what chance was there of him surviving the bombshell I was about to drop?

“Is that it?” I asked. The words came out sounding harsher than I intended. “That’s your scariest moment?”

He looked me in the eye. “Well, I guess you could count the night I got a phone call telling me my girlfriend had died in a fire. But I don’t really want to go there. . . .”

“I’m sorry.” I looked at the ground. I couldn’t believe I’d been so stupid as to forget about Emily. Xavier knew about loss and grief and pain that I’d never experienced.

“Don’t be.” He took my hand. “Just listen to me; I saw the family after it happened. They were all standing on the road, and I thought for a moment that everything was okay. I expected to see her with them. I was ready to comfort her. But then I saw her mom’s face—like she didn’t have a reason for living anymore—and I knew. It wasn’t just their house that was gone, Em was gone too.”

“That’s awful,” I whispered, feeling my eyes brim with tears. Xavier wiped them away with his thumb.

“I’m not telling you to upset you,” he said. “I’m telling you because I want you to know that you can’t scare me. You can tell me anything. I won’t run away.”

So I took a deep breath and began the speech that would change both our lives forever.

“I want you to know that if you still want me after tonight, then there’s nothing that would make me happier.” Xavier smiled and started to reach for me but I stopped him. “Let me get this over with first. I’m going to try and explain in the best way I can.”

He nodded, crossed his arms, and gave me his undivided attention. For a split second I saw him as a schoolboy at the front of the class, eager to please and awaiting the teacher’s instructions.

“I know this might sound crazy,” I said, “but I want you to watch me walk.”

I saw a flicker of confusion cross his face, but he didn’t question me.

“Okay.”

“But don’t look at me, look at the sand.”

Without taking my eyes from his face, I moved in a slow, deliberate circle around him. “What did you notice?” I asked.

“You don’t leave footprints,” Xavier replied, as though it were the most obvious thing in the world. “Cool party trick, but you probably need to eat more.”

So far so good—he wasn’t easily fazed. I smiled grimly and sat down beside him, turning my foot around so he could see the sole. The soft, peach-colored skin was unbroken.

“I cut my foot before. . . .”

“But there’s no cut,” Xavier said, his forehead creasing into a frown. “How did that . . .”

Before he could finish I took his hand and placed it on my stomach.

“Notice the difference?” I said with a hint of bluntness in my voice.

His fingers gently traced their way across my abdomen. His hand stopped when he reached dead center, and he pressed down lightly, his thumb searching for the indentation of my navel.

“You won’t find it,” I said before he could speak. “It’s not there.”

“What happened to you?” Xavier asked. He must have imagined that I’d been in some kind of accident from which I’d never fully recovered.

“Nothing happened to me, this is who I am.”

I could almost see him trying to put the pieces together in his mind.

“Who are you?” It was barely a whisper.

“I’m about to show you. Would you mind closing your eyes? And don’t open them till I tell you.”

When I was sure his eyes were shut tight, I sprinted, three at a time, up the steep steps in the cliff face. I tiptoed my way along until I stood precariously close to the edge, with Xavier directly below me. The ground was lumpy and uneven but I kept my balance. It was roughly about a thirty-foot drop, but the height didn’t deter me. I just hoped I would be able to go through with my plan. I could feel my heart thumping, almost turning somersaults in my chest. I could hear two voices shouting over each other in my head.
What are you doing?
one cried.
Have you lost your mind? Get down, go home! It’s not too late to do the right thing!
The other voice had different ideas.
You’ve gone this far,
it said.
You can’t back out now. You know how much you want him—you’ll never be with him if you don’t do this. Fine, be a coward and walk away, let him move on and forget all about you. I hope you enjoy eternal solitude.