Halloween Hiccups: A Mercy Mares Cozy Mystery Novella (7 page)

              Diana mumbled under her breath, “How much longer are we going to keep this up? He said he's sorry already. What else do you want him to do?”

I cupped my hand over the phone, to prevent Charlie from hearing what I said next. He'd already heard too much of our back and forth about why Mr. Fireman hadn't asked me for my daughter's hand in marriage. She didn't get that his lack of communication was the equivalent of pulling up in front of the house and honking instead of knocking. No parent wanted that for their daughter.

Charlie pulled my hand down. “I don't see what the big deal is. Times have changed. What are you, living in the Ice Ages? She's a big girl. She's in love. Why not just learn to deal?”

I shot a dirty look in his direction. “Learn to deal? Have you been hanging out with all the cool kids? Is that where you learned to talk like that?”

Slicking back his brown hair with his hands, Charlie said, “I am the cool kids. Do you have a problem with that?”

Ugh! Was he ever going to grow up?

Temporarily forgetting that I had Diana on the line, I spoke to Charlie. “I just don't understand how you could be a tough as nails cop in one moment and a teenage boy the next. I'm sure there's a diagnosis, there somewhere, but I'm so busy trying to figure out your train of thought, I'm missing it. I guess my grown up brain can't process your immaturity.”

Charlie pretended to consider my remark for a moment, then said, “I can accept that. At least, I'm not the one who almost got arrested for stomping all over a crime scene.”

I covered the receiver again, but it was too late. Diana heard him loud and clear.

“What did you do now, Mom?” Diana asked.

I gave Charlie the death stare as I tried to explain all that had happened since the last time Diana and I spoke.

Charlie spoke over me, telling his slightly exaggerated version of events. “She let some strange man take her back to the crime scene and they were tree hugging and now, she thinks your Aunt Ruby's arch nemesis is a murderer and also happens to be in love with your good old Uncle Hank. How's that for an explanation?”

I swatted at him playfully to get him to simmer down.

“She assaulted me!” Charlie yelled. “She assaulted the new Lake Villa Chief of Police and I have witnesses!”

Diana giggled like a hyena. She adored Charlie! It was pathetic, if you asked me.

Nubbin walked into the room, his cane up in the air, ready to break up what I'm sure sounded like a knock down drag out fight. “Cut it out! What's all the racket about in here?”

Suddenly, I felt like a young girl, getting scolded by my grandfather for acting up. Not that I ever did that, but I imagined that's what it must have felt like.

“Charlie started it!” I said accusingly.

“Oh, no, I didn't. I'm not the one causing trouble in town. That would be you, my dear. That would be you.” Charlie said.

“My dear? Did I just hear Charlie call you a term of endearment?” Diana teased as I tried real hard not to let Charlie see me blush, but it was too late.

“Are you blushing?” Charlie laughed heartily, gripping the kitchen counter to keep himself from toppling over.

I bit my lip to prevent myself from saying any of the unkind thoughts that were racing through my mind.

“Ah, Nissan, get used to it. If Casanova is going to be living here, you're sure to get called a lot of names by him.” Nubbin caught what he said after noticing the stunned expressions on both of our faces. “I mean... well, you know what I mean. Why don't you all just grow up? You're all too old for this nonsense, don't you think?” He walked out, leaving Charlie and me staring at each other in disbelief.

“Honey, I'll call you back tonight. I have some business to take care of right now. Love you, sweets.” I said.

“Love you too, Mom, and tell Charlie I love him too.” Diana said.

Without giving it a second thought, I turned to Charlie and said, “I love you, Charlie.”

This time, Charlie wasn't pretending that he was going to collapse to the ground. He did. Right on the tile floor, he fell knees first, clutching his heart.

“She loves me! I do declare, she loves me!” He shouted, making a big show of embarrassing me further.

“Now, what is it?” Nubbin came stomping back into the kitchen. “What in the world? What did you do, go off and hit him?” Nubbin asked me.

I shook my head. “No. I... I said the wrong thing. I... Oh, I don't know.” I walked out of the room, feeling completely mortified.

Charlie called after me. “No, stop! Tell me again. Whisper sweet nothings in my ear!”

I had half a mind to march right back in there and tape his big mouth shut, but considering I needed his help, I couldn't do that just yet. I made a mental note to revisit that topic again, after I figured out how to snare Charlene. She was the one I should have been focusing on.

As Charlie and his shenanigans proved time and time again, he was an unnecessary distraction and I didn't think that having him buy a house here in Lake Villa was going to help me in any way, shape or form. If anything, he was going to add stress to my life.

“I'm taking a shower. No one is to bother me!” I shut the bathroom door behind me and leaned on the back of it to catch my breath.

It only took a minute or two before the circus that was my life came knocking on the door.

“Hurry up in there, Toyota. Some of us have to use the facilities.” Nubbin groaned.

“Mercy, don't stay in there all day. My memory is long. I'll wait you out. We have to discuss what just happened.” Charlie was relentless in his teasing of me. I don't know how or why that became his modus operandi with me, but I was so tired of it. Every time I opened my mouth around him, I said something that I never meant to say or he misconstrued every single word or phrase and I spent the rest of the day having to endure his teasing and boyish behavior as a result of it.

“Go away, Charlie! Don't you have to go look for a house or an animal's cage to live in? I heard the zoo has empty cages. You might want to check there.” I said, hoping to get under his skin a little.

After about two minutes of silence – dead silence – I couldn't resist the urge to peek out the door and see what Nubbin and Charlie were up to.

“Hello?” I asked, listening for their voices.

Really? We're going to play hide and seek now?

“Nubbin?” I called out.

“What? I'm trying to get some shut eye.” Nubbin answered from the spare bedroom.

I looked around and didn't see any sign of Charlie.

“Where did Charlie go?” I asked.

“I don't know. I'm not his keeper. Last I knew, he said something about paying a lady friend of yours a visit and not to tell you because you'd ruin everything.” Nubbin always told the truth, even if it stung a little and this time, it did.

I looked out the window. Charlie's car was still parked in the driveway behind my car.

“How did he get there?” I asked.

Nubbin growled at me. “He went with your friend – the shrink that looks like Clark Kent. Not the real one, the one from the old show. Remember that one? It was a good one. Never did figure out why he had to wear those women's hose though. I would have refused if someone in Hollywood asked me to do that, but I guess, some people are hard up for money so they'll do anything to get their hands on it.”

I laughed. Nubbin was such a character.

I thought about Charlene and her greed. She couldn't wait to get her hands on Hank and on the prize money from the city for the Halloween decorating contest. I wondered if that was why she'd killed Stanley. Did she somehow believe that Stanley could influence the vote or was killing him a distraction, so that Ruby couldn't win?

“You still there?” Nubbin asked.

“I am. I'm right here. I'm just thinking.” I answered.

“You need to be thinking about who moved that tub and why someone put that poor fella in it. That's what you need to be thinking about, instead of chasing around after a man, who don't need to be chased. You already got him. What else do you want? He's about ready to make California his permanent home, so don't rush things.” Nubbin still believed that Charlie and I were some sort of couple. It didn't matter how often I refuted that, he wouldn't let the thought go.

“They went to see Charlene?” I asked just to clarify.

“Sure did. They are trying to fix Superman up with her and see if she'll take the bait.” Nubbin answered.

              I survived yet another group exercise class with Margie, but my nerves were still on edge. I hadn't heard anything from Charlie or Hank since they took off earlier in the day. I couldn't even get a hold of Ruby by phone, so I had no idea if she was aware of what the guys were planning.

“Things will work themselves out, Mercy. That sheriff knows what he's doing.” Margie offered.

I nodded, acknowledging that I'd heard her, but wasn't yet ready to believe that their plan was going to work. As long as I'd known Hank, he'd never given me any indication that he would ever consider stepping out on Ruby, even if it was to help catch a killer. I didn't know what to make of this. It had to have been Charlie's idea because Hank was too loyal to think of doing something so conniving and unmanly like this.

I heard a car engine rumbling outside.

Margie peered out the window. “See, they're back. Both of them. They lived.”

“They better enjoy it while they can because when Ruby gets wind of what they did, heads will roll. I can promise you that.” I stood up, relieved that they were back, but nervous to hear what they had to say.

Hank walked in first, all smiles.

“So, are you filing for divorce?” I asked sarcastically.

Surprised by my question, Hank immediately protested. “No, what are you talking about? That's not funny.”

Charlie walked in behind him, wearing a huge smile. “Looks like I have a date!”

I froze in place.

Nubbin came out of the spare room, awake from his four hour siesta and asked, “Who is making all that noise?” After noticing that Charlie and Hank returned, he asked, “Well, did you catch a killer?”

Charlie shook his head. “Nope, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to catch one in a few hours. That is, after I wine and dine the lovely Charlene tonight.”

“Wine and dine? You're sick!” I glared at him.

“And, you're jealous.” Charlie winked at me. “Charlene is in between husbands these days and,” he paused to mimic her high-pitched voice, “she hasn't been out on a date in so long, so I offered to take her to dinner and let her show me around town.”

I couldn't bring myself to look at Charlie after that announcement. I kept my eyes focused on Hank.

“How did that happen?” I asked Hank.

He took a deep breath and answered, “I'm married and Charlie's single and new in town.” Hank shrugged.

Charlie offered an explanation. “Before we went in search of Charlene, who wasn't so hard to find by the way, we made a pit stop at the local television station to inquire about the interview Little Miss Sunshine did earlier. It turns out that the footage Charlene claimed to have, hasn't been verified. She wouldn't even hand it over to them so they could get a peek at this evidence she claims to have in her possession. As far as I'm concerned, it sounds like a hoax.”

I groaned. “It can't very well be a hoax because, correct me if I'm wrong, but Stanley is dead. I'm pretty sure what I was looking at was a dead man. Who knows? Maybe it's some kind of new fad where middle aged men dip their heads in tubs of water, just for kicks.”

Hank opened his mouth to interject, but Charlie was a nanosecond ahead of him with his typical brand of humor.

“Yeah, all the kids are doing it now. You should give it a try.” Charlie smirked, feeling mighty proud of himself for that jab, I'm sure.

“You first.” I mumbled.

“Okay, let's calm down here.” Hank finally got a word in. “What Charlie was trying to explain to you was that Charlene was shopping this supposed video footage around, but refused to show proof that she actually had something. There was no way she was going to admit anything in front of me. I wouldn't have let her if she tried, but don't you find it curious that she wouldn't show the people at the television station, especially because she was looking for a payout?”

He was right. That was an odd way to go about things, but the fact remained that she couldn't have possibly had footage of me or Ruby committing any sort of crime because we hadn't. I know I hadn't and I was willing to bet my life that Ruby hadn't either.

I asked, “So, after you found this out from someone at the television station, what did you do?”

Hank looked at Charlie, a mischievous grin on his face. Charlie had that effect on people. Hank said, “Tawny, the reporter, told us that she didn't want to run with the story because it sounded like a hoax, but then she got a phone call – an anonymous one – and the caller said that Charlene had some information that was vital to the case.

“Was it Charlene?” I asked.

Charlie said, “No, he said it was anonymous. Are you not familiar with that word?”

“Are you not familiar with common courtesy and respect, Sheriff... I mean, Chief Wagner?” I shot him another death stare. He was two for two already. “What I'm asking is, why would anyone care about some anonymous caller? Why would they take that seriously, then blindly give Charlene some air time? It all sounds suspicious, if you ask me.”

Charlie mumbled, “No one is asking you.”

I heard exactly what he said, but I let it go for the time being.

Hank heard it too. I could tell by the smirk on his face, but luckily for him, he knew better than to draw my attention to it.
Smart man, I tell you. Smart man.

“The point is that Charlene has been doing a lot of talking and pointing fingers at you and Ruby, but hasn't got anything to prove her claims.” Hank explained.

“So, you think having Charlie take her out for dinner is going to make her confess or something? Is that the plan? He's going to woo her with a meal?” I asked Hank, but had one eye on Charlie, standing to my right, mocking me. He was such a child sometimes.

Nubbin wrinkled up his bulbous nose. “Smells funny!”

I nodded. Now, finally, someone had some common sense. This whole operation didn't sit well with Nubbin either.

“You're right. The whole idea stinks. I don't know why no one ever listens to me. That woman is never, ever going to confess anything. She's just looking for a meal ticket. You're about to be used, Charlie, but what do I know? After all, I'm just a lowly nurse with no experience whatsoever in solving crimes or wait – I do believe I helped a sheriff solve a case some time ago. Do you recall ever hearing about that, Charlie?” See, I could be sarcastic too. In fact, I was getting to be quite proficient at doling out sarcasm and snark.

Snarkasm. I might have to brand that term.

Charlie squinted his eyes at me.

“I don't plan on proposing to her. I just need to make her comfortable. You know, make her feel like she's having dinner with a friend. I'll casually mention Stanley's death and see where she goes from there.” Charlie explained as if he had it all figured out and things would play out seamlessly.

“Sounds crazy, if you ask me.” Nubbin said. “If you're the new head honcho in town and you think she did something, why don't you arrest her?”

It was no secret that Charlie had grown very fond of Nubbin and his take no prisoners attitude, but he also understood that disagreeing with Nubbin would lead to hours – I mean, hours – of debate. Nubbin liked to be right. Who didn't?

“I hear you, Nubbin, but the truth is, one, I'm not sworn in yet. Two, I'm not convinced she's done anything wrong, beyond pretending to have footage that doesn't exist. I do plan on making the local police department aware of the situation with her, but I can't arrest her. I don't have that kind of power here or anywhere, especially now that I've officially hung up my Sheriff hat and am looking for a new place to set up shop here in Lake Villa.” Charlie directed that last tidbit of information at me.

I didn't need to be reminded of the fact that things were about to change for all of us. When I'd first learned that Charlie had applied for and been offered the position here in Lake Villa, I thought it was some kind of joke – another of his never-ending attempts to make me hot under the collar.

When he phoned to tell me he'd be looking for houses here soon, I still didn't allow myself to believe it, figuring I'd wait and see. Now, with him here, things were becoming all too real. I quite frankly didn't know whether or not I was pleased to have my friend living nearby or terrified by the prospect.

Hank and Charlie exchanged knowing looks.

Uh oh, what's next?

“Mercy, we were wondering...” Hank was never one to hesitate when he spoke. He was always a straight forward kind of man.

“Yes?” I asked as a sinking feeling in my stomach began to overwhelm me.

“Do you own any big brim hats?” Charlie asked. “Like the kind women wear to church?”

“What? Why?” I asked.

Charlie looked at Hank.

Hank asked, “Do you think you could tag along on this date. Discreetly, of course, and record the whole thing on a cell phone?”

“Tag along? What? How? I know Charlene!” I protested.

“Calm down. Ruby and Hank will be there too, waiting in their car. Can you and Nubbin pretend to be out having a nice dinner and sit somewhere where you can see us and record the whole thing?” Charlie asked, smiling his bright smile at me to try to persuade me to do the craziest thing I'd ever been asked to do for a friend.

I was no private investigator! What did I really know about solving crimes?