Hallowed Ground (28 page)

“Yeah, well, we can’t ask Will, because he’s dead.”

“Because of me! Because of my choices. I have to make up for that somehow.”

“Were you going to use that same argument with my dad? Because I’m not sure if you noticed, but he’s dead, too, and you had nothing to do with it. That’s just what happens. War kills the people we love, either in body or soul, but they’re both equally devastating. So please don’t stand there and talk about what they would have done, because they didn’t get to make the choice. You are making the choice.”

“How many more people die if I don’t go? Trivette, Will…how many more bodies should I add to my tally?”

She looked away.

“I know the timing is shit. I know I should have asked you, talked to you. But what if that had changed my mind? What if while trying to keep your love, I became something you loathed? God, please, December. Forgive me. I’m so sorry, but there was no other way.”

She turned her back on me but straightened her spine. “Two and a half months?”

“That’s it.” Was there a possibility that she’d accept this? God knows I wouldn’t have. Had it been Ember, I’d have tied her to a fucking chair to keep her safe, and I was the worst kind of hypocrite for expecting her to let me go.

I could risk my life in a heartbeat, lay everything on the line, but I could never chance her life. In that regard, she was so much stronger than I could ever dream of being. Where I’d give my blood, she gambled something so much more precious—her love. And I was the ungrateful bastard taking it half the way around the world.

“That’s ten weeks. You typically flew five days a week, so that’s fifty days of flying. Countless lives you could save.”

“Yes.”

“Countless chances for you to be killed.” Her head started to shake. “No. I can’t. It’s too soon.”

“December—”

“Don’t do this.”

Fuck. My. Life.
“Please, don’t ask that.”

She turned toward me, and the sight of her tear-streaked cheeks and reddened eyes destroyed another chink in my armor. “Don’t say good-bye again. I’m begging you.” Her face twisted, and she drew her lower lip between her teeth. “I can survive almost anything, but not another good-bye. Not now.”

“I wouldn’t be the man you loved if I stayed.”

She crumpled, her shoulders sagging as sobs wrecked her. “I don’t care. I don’t care about any of it as long as you’re not dead. I know it’s wrong, and I’m supposed to stand by all proud that you’re such an incredible man, and you are. God, you really are. You have more integrity than anyone I’ve ever known. You’re strong, courageous, selfless, everything an amazing officer should be.” She walked around the island until we stood toe to toe. “And maybe this makes me a wretched person, or even a coward, but Josh, I’m begging you. Choose me. Choose my love over your integrity, just this once. I promise I’ll be ready when the next deployment comes, just…not this one. This one already tried to kill you. I don’t know how to hand you over to it again.”

She shredded my soul with her words, and I reached for her, tunneling my hands through her hair. “I can’t—”

A knock at the door interrupted us, Paisley’s knock. “Come in,” Ember called out, wiping her tears away furiously. “It could be the baby or something,” she whispered, and I nodded.

“Hey, we were just wondering if y’all wanted to…” She stopped mid step in our living room, seeing us over the half wall. “Oh. I didn’t mean to interrupt. Jagger was feeling well enough to stand at the grill for a while and burn some burgers, but why don’t we do it tomorrow night, instead?”

Ember laughed, the sound nearly hysterical. “Oh, that could prove problematic.”

“Everything okay?” she asked.

Ember’s eyes dropped to the swell of Paisley’s stomach, and she forced a sad smile. “Yeah, we’re okay. Just maybe tell Jagger another time?”

Jagger. Shit. I had to tell him, too. “Yeah. Another time. And I need to steal a couple of minutes from him in the morning.”

Her gaze darted between us, but she nodded. “Of course. You two have a lovely evening.”

“Thank you for inviting us,” Ember told her just before Paisley shut the door.

The silence was deafening, as though we had expended every word we had, and now all that hung between us was the poison they’d left behind, killing us both. Ember turned to me and tucked her hair behind her ears. “Okay.”

“What?” I asked.

“I said okay,” she snapped, then squeezed her eyes shut. Her lips pursed, and her hands fisted in front of her on the counter. “Seeing Paisley…” She shook her head and drew a choppy breath. “Jagger. He’d be dead if you hadn’t been there. Paisley would be raising their baby alone, and I can’t imagine…I get it.” Anger vibrated from every line of her body, like she was at war with her words, but she still got them out.

My breath stuttered and my heart split, one side elated that she understood, that I’d fallen in love with a woman so supportive that she was willing to shove her feelings aside for mine. The other part of me hated that I’d brought this incredible woman so low that she was sacrificing her very nature for what she thought was my best interest.

What the fuck had I done to her?

“What time do you need to report in the morning?” she asked, still focused on the counter in front of her.

“Early,” I whispered, walking toward her.

She nodded. “Okay. Okay…okay.” Each repetition got softer, until it was barely a murmur. Her hands opened and closed, like she was trying to grasp something she couldn’t catch, couldn’t hold on to, until her fingers started to shake.

“December…” I whispered her name like the prayer it was and took her face in my hands, overwhelmed by her, by everything she was willing to sacrifice in the name of our love. I was the ultimate selfish asshat, demanding things I had no right to. She was my everything, my reason for existence, and I was her number one source of misery. “God, I love you.”

“Don’t. Don’t talk about loving me in the same breath you want to say good-bye. I may understand why you’re doing this, but it doesn’t mean that I agree, or that I’m happy about it.”

“It doesn’t change how much I love you,” I promised.

“Love has never been the issue between us, Josh. Loving you is second nature to me. But as proud as I am that you’re the kind of man to do this, to be the hero and volunteer to go back…” Something rare and precious died in her eyes. I saw the change happen, the moment my choice changed her. “A part of me hates…” Her eyes drifted shut. “Hates what you’re doing to me, to us.”

Hates me.
That’s what she meant. Her words reverberated in my head as if she’d shot me with them. She had every right to. She’d never wanted this life, but I’d forced my way into hers, past her defenses, her protests. My chest tightened with an unbelievable pressure, like my heart took her side and was ready to claw its way out of my chest, abandon me, to be with her. Of course a part of her hated me. Hell, I hated myself. “Is your hate deeper than your love?”

Her eyes narrowed. “I hate that you made this choice without me. I hate that this is what you need, like I’m not enough to make you whole. I hate that I change everything about my life to accommodate yours, because there’s not a lot of room for an ‘ours’ right now. I hate that the minute you walk out that door, I’ll just be waiting for someone to knock on it again, and I hate how much I love you. But never in a million years could I hate
you
. And I almost wish I could!”

She didn’t pause, didn’t really end the argument. One minute she was yelling at me, and the next second she was in my arms, her fingers in my hair, her mouth pressed against mine.
What the hell?
She caught me completely off guard for maybe two seconds, but the feel of her lips was all I needed, and we were on the same page.

She’s using this to vent, hiding behind it just like you used to.

Fuck, but I didn’t care. I swept one arm under her ass and lifted her into my arms where she belonged. If I only had one last night with her before I ripped our hearts apart, I was going to make every second count. Every kiss. Every touch. Every time she cried out my name.

I was going to love her like I’d never get the chance to again.

Chapter Thirty-One

Ember

I quelled the rage rolling through my veins with a different kind of fire that burned hot enough to incinerate anything in its path.

I was done thinking. Crying. Begging. If this was our last night, then I just wanted to feel. I’d be angry tomorrow.

Josh lifted me as our mouths fed off each other in a kiss so carnal I thought we might combust. My back hit the refrigerator, magnets crashing to the floor. I wound my legs around his waist, locking my ankles at his back, and arched into him, craving the friction of his chest against my breasts.

When I reached for the buttons on his shirt, he grasped both of my hands by the wrists and pinned them to the cool, stainless steel above my head. “December.” My name was rough on his lips, fought for. Just like every inch of this relationship. “Is this what you—”

I cut him off midsentence, setting my mouth to his and rocking my hips against his. At the touch of our tongues, he groaned and stopped trying to make sense of what was happening. “I want your hands on my body. Is that something you can give me?”
Because I’m losing in every other department.

His breaths were sweet on my face, coming in erratic bursts as he focused on me, his eyes darkening. Damn, that stare was hot. Everything about him was an aphrodisiac to me, from the sensuous curve of his lips to the incredible way he smelled, like he’d been dipped in pheromones specifically designed to get me wet.

“What’s the verdict?” I asked.

“Like there was ever a question,” he answered, his gaze dropping to my lips a second before he kissed me deeply. He let go of my hands, trailing his fingers down my upstretched arms until he reached my shoulders. Then he tilted my head and assaulted my neck with his lips, teeth, and tongue. White-hot desire drummed through me in a steady beat.

He shifted his hands to under my thighs and held me tight, backing us up through the kitchen. I buried my hands in his hair, putting my entire focus into kissing him, pulling his lower lip with a gentle bite. He hissed, and I found a wall at my back, my ass sliding over something—the railing on the staircase.

He devoured my mouth with small nips, slow kisses, and deep, rhythmic slides of his tongue. I was going to be a puddle on the floor if he kept it up much longer. My hands found the material of his shirt and yanked it free from where my thighs held it prisoner. He took it from there, unbuttoning the first few holes and then pulling it over his head in one smooth motion that I never tired of seeing, not when it revealed the cut lines of what lay beneath.

I placed my hand over the tattoo above his heart, the one he’d gotten for me,
fire and ice
. “You’re incredible. I never get tired of touching you.”

A cocky grin appeared on his face. “Feeling’s mutual.” He took my mouth again and finished carrying me up the stairs, not bothering to shut our bedroom door behind him.

I landed in the middle of our bed, and he turned on our bedside lamp. The pure want screaming from his eyes had my thighs restless as he took off my shoes. He ran his hands up my legs, pulling them apart, and rose above me, stealing my breath. Josh settled between my thighs, then stripped my top off with a fluid move. “God, December. Every line of you is fucking perfect.”

“To you.” I smiled as his fingers traced the lacy cups of my pink bra.

“For me. You’re mine. Don’t you dare forget it.”

His kiss was as hot as a branding iron, and just as effective. He made quick work of my shorts and thong, tossing them haphazardly across the room. My bra was next, leaving me naked. I leaned up on my elbows as his shorts and boxers hit the floor, and then he was as gloriously bare as I was. My core clenched and my breath quickened as he lowered himself over me, skin against delicious skin. “Are you mine?” I asked as he skimmed kisses over my collarbone.

“In every way. You own me, December.”

Except where the army does.
The thought snuck into my head, and a tidal wave of anger swept over me, wiping everything else away for that second. My fingers gripped his hair as he covered my nipple with his lips, transforming the anger back into lust in a way only Josh was capable of. The mix was overwhelming, both emotions raw, passionate, all-encompassing.

I pushed on his shoulder and he complied, rolling so he sat with me straddling him. I knew I only had as much control in bed as he was willing to let go, which made these moments all the sweeter. But sweet wasn’t exactly what I wanted. I poured every emotion I couldn’t contain into my kiss—my love, frustration, desire, and red-hot fury. He palmed my breasts as I rolled my hips against his erection, and I caught his moan in my mouth. “Baby, you’re killing me.”

“Good,” I whispered, rising up on my knees to let him slide between my folds.

He sucked in his breath, resting his forehead on my collarbone, and then had me gasping as he swirled his thumbs over my nipples. “Oh no, not yet,” he said as he ran his mouth along my jawline, the stubble from his cheek leaving a slight burn in his wake.

“Josh,” I begged, but he caught my hips before I could sink down over him.

“Not yet,” he repeated. One hand slid between us, and my hips bucked as he brushed over my clit, a shock of need radiating through my limbs to my toes and bringing a gasp to my lips. “I’ll never get enough of this,” he said as his fingers slid along me, and he slipped one inside.

I groaned his name, my head crashing to his shoulder as all my thoughts centered on the magic his hands created. He added another finger and pressed his palm against my clit as I rocked against him. Damn, that felt amazing. He knew exactly how fast to move, where to press, where to stroke. My body was as familiar to him as his own, and he played it expertly. “There,” he whispered, as his fingers curled with each withdrawal.

I whimpered, riding his hand as tension built in my muscles, need spiraling tighter and tighter with each movement of his hands, each kiss he placed to the nape of my neck. “Josh.” His name was a plea, a prayer, a lamentation. I wanted him inside me. Now. I needed the blissful surrender I only had with him, the moments when we were both lost to the other, where nothing else could intrude.

“Not yet.” His voice was gravelly, his breath uneven, but his hands steady as he worked me with one and led my hips with the other.

“Don’t make me beg.” Anger bled into my tone, and he heard it, lifting his face to mine.

“Why would you ever beg?” he whispered against my lips as his fingers thrust faster, deeper. My core tightened, my moves becoming erratic, frantic. “You’re the one with all the power.”

He pressed harder on my clit and rubbed in just the right spot. Every muscle in my body locked, the tension at the point where I thought I might break. “You’re so close, I can feel you squeeze my fingers. So damn tight. Now, come,” he ordered.

God help me, I did, crying his name as he pressed where I needed him. An orgasm took me, so powerful that I saw lights behind my eyelids. He held on to me as I shuddered over him, my body rippling with the small aftershocks he brought with simple motions of his hand.

We locked eyes as his fingers slipped free, dragging my wetness up my stomach until he gripped my waist. I rose to my knees until we were lined up, and then sank down without waiting, so wet that he slid in with little resistance and the perfect amount of friction.

“December,” he hissed my name as I paused, letting my body adjust for a moment.

His eyes were wild as I began to ride him, watching every nuance of his reaction to the motion of my hips, the angle and roll. I concentrated for as long as possible, until the pleasure became all-encompassing. Then I simply obeyed my body and enjoyed.

It wasn’t long before he flipped us with a groan, settling me under him. I almost pushed him back, but he raised one of my knees and lifted my leg over his arm so he could slide deeper.
Holy shit.
Josh started a pounding rhythm, pulling out slowly only to slam home so perfectly that I couldn’t stop the small, keening cries that escaped. He kissed me in time with his thrusts, our breath mingling. My hands reached for his back, my nails scoring lines down his skin, desperate to hold him, keep him closer to me.

He stayed in perfect rhythm until sweat beaded on both of us and that same tension built again within me, demanding release. “Josh,” I cried as I spiraled.

He adjusted my leg, changed the angle so he rubbed against my clit with every thrust, and sent me straight over the edge into an orgasm even more powerful than the first. He met me a few moments later, looking at me as if I was some kind of miracle to him and calling out my name.

I would never tire of this.

My hunger for him, the need that made my body sing the minute he walked into the room, only grew.

I stroked his hair as our breathing slowed, our heart rates calmed, until he rolled onto his side, kissing my shoulder. Then he sat up, resting his forehead in his hands.

Red, angry lines crossed his skin.
Shit.
“Josh, your back,” I whispered.

He stood, looking over his shoulder in the mirror. “Well worth it. It’s actually hot as hell.”

“I’m sorry,” I apologized anyway.

He slid next to me, bringing me onto my side to face him. My body was limp, still vibrating with residual energy. “It’s not like you were trying to,” he said with a little smirk.

“Maybe I was,” I answered honestly, knowing that hadn’t been all about love. There had been too much anger in me for that.

He took my hands and pressed kisses to my fingers. “You don’t need your nails for that. One of your tears draws far more blood.”

The air shifted between us, everything spoken downstairs having finally caught up with us. “What are we going to do? I don’t know how to say good-bye to you again.”

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath before refocusing on me. “I think we have two options for right now. The first, is we go downstairs and finish this talk over a dinner that is way cold by now.”

“And the second?” I asked, in no hurry to get back to the angry discussion that wouldn’t change a damn thing.

He shrugged. “We get in the bathtub and start this all over again.” His tongue swirled over my index finger.

I had no idea what tomorrow was going to bring. Would he change his mind?

No, you know better than that.

Would I have to take him to the hangar again? Relive that good-bye? Panic rose in my chest until it crept up my throat.
Shut it down. Now.
If I had one night to spend with him, what would I rather do?

“I have been wanting to try out that tub.”

His grin was enough to know I’d chosen the right option.

Morning light filtered in through our window.

I blinked the sleep out of my eyes and reached across the sheets for Josh, but he wasn’t there. Come to think, the sun was really bright. We’d been up until at least three a.m., barely breaking away from making love for food, and even that had been hand-fed between kisses. No wonder I was still exhausted.

I rolled over, grabbing my cell from the nightstand.

9:30 a.m.

“Josh?” I called out, then flew from the bed. “What time do you have to be there?” I asked again, this time louder.

I threw on clothes and grabbed a pair of flip-flops, racing down the stairs as I pulled my hair into a makeshift knot. “Josh?”

The living room was empty, and he wasn’t in the kitchen, either.

A sick feeling settled in my stomach, and my mouth watered like I was about to vomit. He wouldn’t. There was no way.

The dishes had been done, the dining room table was bare but for a few papers. I raced past them and flung open the door to the garage. His bags were gone.

He’d left.

A buzzing sound filled my head, and the world seemed to slow as I spun, looking for any sign that I was wrong, that he might still be here. I dialed his phone number, but the voicemail picked up on the first ring.

Jagger. Jagger would know.

I ran back into the house, through the kitchen and into the dining room, but stopped when I saw the papers again. My legs felt like they were dragging concrete as I took the last few steps.

Oh God, there was an envelope with my name on it.

“Josh, what did you do?”

I cracked the seal and pulled out the lined paper with shaking hands.

My December,

I couldn’t make you say good-bye again. This one’s on me, on my own cowardice. I’m not sure I would have had the strength to leave you. You are everything that is good and right in my world, and the only woman I have ever or will ever love. You’ve been right about so many things, especially that it’s my career that’s dominating our life, our future. So go to Turkey. Live your dream. I called Luke, and he’ll be waiting at the airport for you next week. Maybe we both need these next couple of months. You to prepare your future, me to heal my past. So take this time. Figure out what your life can look like if you’re not limited by my career…by me. You deserve everything this world has to offer, and the chance to make a choice once you actually see that your only option isn’t just the next-door neighbor you fell in love with at twenty. The whole world is open to you, just as my heart always will be.

Just don’t forget that you own me.

All my love,

Josh

I stifled a sob with my fist and sank into a chair. There, underneath the letter, was a plane ticket to Turkey with the printed itinerary, and underneath, our lease.

But it wasn’t our lease anymore. It showed that our rent had been paid through the end of this year, but it was only in my name.

I glanced around the room. His things were still here, everything but Will’s ring. He hadn’t moved out, but he sure as hell had made it easier to walk out if he needed to.

Or maybe just easier for me if something happened to him over there.

“Damn you, Joshua Walker,” I whispered as a new fear gripped me.

He’d left, deployed, and hadn’t even given me the chance to kiss him one last time, or tell him how much I loved him. But maybe that’s what last night had been. Instead of a tearful mess at the hangar, he’d made love to me until we were both too exhausted to keep our eyes open any longer.