Halfway to Forever (21 page)

When he wasn’t at school or busy with sports, Ty was constantly at Jade’s side, checking on her needs and offering to help her walk from one spot to another when she felt unsteady. This was one of those times.

Arm in arm, she and Ty moved into the kitchen. Jade sat on a stool while Ty put together a tray of apples, crackers, and cheese. He carried the tray outside, placed it on the patio table, and poured two glasses of orange juice. When the snack was set up,
he led Jade across the kitchen and through the back door.

“Sort of a preview, huh, Ty?” Jade’s head was spinning and the room tilted. She clung to her son’s arm, determined to make the walk without falling. She managed a chuckle. “What life’ll be like when your mom’s an old lady, right?”

“Nah.” Ty led her to a patio chair and helped her sit. “You’ll never be old.”

Once they were situated, Ty filled a small plate for each of them. Jade reached for an apple slice and took a bite.

“Mom …” Ty wrinkled his brow. “Aren’t we going to pray?”

“Oh, sorry.” Jade set the apple down. “Go ahead.”

Ty bowed and paused a moment before starting. “Dear Lord, thank You for this snack, thank You that Mom feels good enough to eat it with me, thank You that she’s not getting worse. And please God, make her better soon.” He opened his eyes and grinned. “Now we can eat. I’m starved.”

Jade’s heart swelled. Ty had always been that way. Even when he was a small boy, he would catch Jade starting a meal before praying. It didn’t matter if it was Sunday dinner or a midday snack, her son’s dependence on God was as natural as breathing.

“You won’t believe it.” Ty grabbed three crackers from his plate and shoved them into his mouth. “Guess who quit the baseball team?”

Jade pulled one foot up onto the chair and rested her chin on her knee, pretending to think hard on the question. “Carl the Mugster?”

“No …” Ty made a face and chomped on an apple slice. “The Mugster wouldn’t quit. He might be having a bad year, but still.” Ty’s eyes grew wide. “Really, Mom, guess who quit? You won’t believe it!”

The apple tasted like metal and Jade ran the napkin over her mouth, spitting the pulp into the paper and wadding it up in her
hands so Ty wouldn’t know. “I give up; tell me.”

“Okay. It’s a long story, but it started last week after we lost to the Reds, remember?”

Jade nodded, doing her best to keep a serious face.

“Well … after the game the other team’s pitcher came over to our dugout and …”

The rays of sunshine warmed Jade’s shoulders, and listening to Ty and his stories made her dizziness less severe. She couldn’t bring herself to eat, but that was okay. Helen was bringing her protein drinks three times a day, so even if food didn’t look good, at least she and the baby were getting the nutrients they needed.

The smell of jasmine, rich and sweet, filtered up from the landscaped grounds, and a light breeze stirred up a handful of puffy clouds against the deep blue sky.

Jade breathed it in. She loved this time of the year, the way the heat eased up and the Santa Ana winds cleared away the smog. Would she be alive next year at this time? Or was this her last Southern California fall?

“Mom, are you listening?”

At the frustration in Ty’s voice, Jade was pierced with guilt. “You were telling me who quit the team, right?”

Ty huffed and fell back against his chair. “I finished that story. Now I’m telling you why Miss McMacken doesn’t like my math work.”

Jade shook off thoughts of everything but her son. “I’m sorry. Tell me again.”

“Okay.” He smiled his forgiveness. “But listen this time.”

He was just about to move on to another topic when Helen poked her head out the doorway and held up the cordless phone. “Mr. Eastman, for you.”

A current of electricity ran through her heart, the same as it
always did whenever she heard Tanner’s name. Even now there were times when her life felt like a dream, when she feared she might wake and find Tanner was nothing more than the stranger he’d been for ten years after Ty was conceived.

She reached for the phone. “Thank you, Helen.”

“Tell him I got an
A
on my history quiz.” Ty helped himself to another handful of crackers. “But don’t talk long. My game’s in an hour.”

Jade nodded and held the receiver to her ear. “Hello?”

“Hey …” Tanner sounded close enough to be next to her. “How’re you feeling?”

“Fine.” Disappointment blew through the hallways of her heart. If only he’d start the conversation some other way.
Jade, I love you … or Jade, I miss you
. The dizziness was back, and she closed her eyes. “How ‘bout you?”

He sighed. “Busy.”

Jade could almost see him, elbow planted on his desk while he sorted through a file. “Looks like it’ll be another late one.”

Her eyes welled up, and for a moment her throat was too thick to speak.

“Are you there?”

“Yes.” She coughed. “Ty wants me to tell you he aced his history quiz. And he has a game in an hour.”

“Good.” Tanner’s answer was quick. “Tell him I’m proud of him and I wish I could be there. Maybe next time.”

Jade wanted to scream. What was so important that he couldn’t come home at a decent hour? And why weren’t Ty’s games a priority any more? Tanner ran the office; he could take the time if he wanted to. But she had neither the energy nor the desire to fight with Tanner now.

Instead she brushed the sleeve of her sweatshirt beneath both eyes so Ty wouldn’t see her tears. “Fine.”

“Fine?” Tanner sounded irritated. “What’s
that
supposed to mean?”

“Never mind.”

“That isn’t fair. Don’t tell me you’re mad again. Look, Jade, the cases I’m working are demanding, okay? Maybe it isn’t good timing, but what can I do? The office needs me.”

She shifted her gaze to the passing clouds, her voice quiet, sad. “We need you, too.”

“This isn’t the time.” Tanner exhaled hard. “We’ll talk later. I love you, Jade.”

“Okay.” Jade pulled the phone from the side of her face and ended the call.
Okay?
Jade had always been quick to confirm Tanner’s declarations of love with one of her own. But this time the words simply wouldn’t come.

Ty finished his story and brushed the crumbs from his hands. If he noticed the fact that the phone call had upset Jade, he didn’t say. Instead, he kissed the top of her head and darted toward the door. “Gotta get dressed. Helen’s taking me to the game.” He paused before going inside. “I’ll hit a home run for you, Mom. That’ll make you feel better.”

She gave him a thumbs-up, touched by his tender heart. “Can’t wait to hear about it.”

Jade stayed outside, staring at the hills behind their house. If she focused hard on one thing—a tree trunk or a cloud—her sense of balance seemed almost normal. She stayed that way for a long while, refusing to think of anything but the beauty around her. Eventually she heard the front door open and minutes later the sound of the car pulling away.

Certain that she was alone, Jade let her mind drift back to the conversation with Tanner. It was wrong for him to spend so much time at work. Couldn’t he see how badly she wanted him home? Did he think a nurse could replace having him at her side?

Betrayal and anger rocked her soul. There were no answers, at least none she cared to think about. Jade pushed her plate back and stared at her wedding ring. An ocean of tears spilled from her heart and down her face.

She missed Tanner so much she could barely stand it.

What if she died? Tonight even? Was this how she and Tanner would spend their last days, distant and frustrated and rarely together?

“God …” Sobs tore at her, and the sound carried on the breeze. “I’m so scared and alone. I need him. Why doesn’t he want to be home? What have I done to push him away?”

Since her diagnosis, life had become a nightmare of second-guessing and doubts.

Sweet Hannah, her dependable friend, had begged Jade not to blame herself for what was happening, but it was impossible not to. If only she hadn’t called Tanner three years ago when she needed legal help. If only she’d been a quiet wife for Jim, maybe he never would have left her.

Maybe then she wouldn’t be sick.

Jade leaned her head back and lowered her eyebrows. What was she thinking? God wasn’t using her cancer to punish her for what happened with Jim. Besides, Jim had tried to take Ty away from her! She’d had no choice but to call Tanner. Ty was his son, after all. And Jim would still have divorced her whether she’d called Tanner or not.

And if she hadn’t called, Jim would have taken Ty with him.

Still
 …

The pendulum of her emotions swung back the other way. Enough people had pointed a finger at Jade since her divorce that sometimes she wondered. Was God angry at her for marrying Tanner? Certainly there were reasons for the hard times they were facing, but was her cancer His way of punishing her? At least in part?

The idea flew in the face of everything she knew about the Lord.

Jade had studied Scripture on the matter and realized there were two schools of thought. The first read that anyone who divorced, except for reasons of marital unfaithfulness, and then married another was guilty of adultery. The second group tended to look past the exception and see only the last part of the verse. Marriage after divorce was adultery, pure and simple.

Most of the time Jade sided with the first group. The idea that God would be merciful to a person whose spouse had chosen to take up with another seemed more like God than the second viewpoint.

But sometimes … Jade wondered. What other reason was there for the trial they were suffering if God wasn’t angry with her? With both of them? Her sobs returned with a vengeance.

She didn’t know how long she stayed there, silently begging God to forgive her, but after a while, the back door opened and Helen appeared. “Ty’s going home with his friend. He’ll be spending the night there if that’s okay.”

“It’s fine.” Jade hung her head. “Thanks.”

Jade couldn’t take another evening inside waiting for Tanner’s return, trying to stay awake long enough to exchange a few shallow sentences. Her head hurt worse than it had in weeks and she couldn’t keep her fingers from trembling. Maybe death was right around the corner; maybe the Lord would come for her tonight.

Her tears came harder. “Helen, I need … to get out of here.” She turned so she could see the older woman, and the effort was exhausting.

“Well, I don’t know …” Helen was at her side, concern etched between the wrinkles on her forehead. “Maybe you should sleep first.”

“No!” The tears made it almost impossible to talk. Jade held
her breath and shook her head.
Calm down
, she ordered herself, but her heart raced in response. If this was her last night alive, there was no way she would spend it sleeping. When she could speak, she looked at Helen. “I have someplace to go. I’ll need my chair.”

Helen helped her into the house and, with a shaky hand, she scribbled a note for Tanner.

I can’t take it anymore, Tanner … I’ll be out late. Don’t wait up. I love you more than you know
.

Jade

She studied it through a fresh layer of tears. So what if Tanner didn’t know where she was? He hadn’t been home enough to notice how bad she’d gotten; hadn’t spent time with her and Ty the way he might have. Jade hesitated.

It was fear; it had to be.

Tanner cared, of course—he loved her more than his own life—but whatever had come over him since her last seizure, his absence was more than Jade could stand. Especially now, with death breathing down her neck. All of life had become a race for survival. A race in which she was losing Tanner.

Whether she lived or died, she was losing him.

There were a dozen things Jade was desperate to bring before the Lord—her health, her baby’s chances of survival. Her life. But before she left that night, Jade uttered the only plea that really mattered.

God, bring Tanner back to me. Please. Before it’s too late
.

T
here was no point trying to concentrate.

Tanner planted his elbows in the open file on his desk and pressed his fingers against his tired, aching eyes. How could he work, when all he could think about was Jade, the hurt in her voice as they’d talked …?

He gave a hoarse laugh. Talked? Who was he kidding? They hadn’t talked in days, not really.

His late hours were frustrating her; that much was clear. But what was he supposed to do? The case needed him. Desperately. Every hour at work meant a greater chance for success at the trial. Victory wouldn’t come unless he stayed devoted.

Right?

Tanner tapped his pencil on his desk as a dagger of guilt sliced through his heart. The arguments he had created to justify his time away from Jade suddenly collapsed like a house of cards. He covered his face with his hands and tried to settle his nerves.
What is it, God? What’s wrong with me? My wife’s home dying, and I’m here at work
.

He peered through the spaces in his fingers, and his gaze settled on a plaque near the edge of his desk. Jade had given it to him on the one-year anniversary of his helping her win back custody of Ty. A Scripture that was one of their favorites was carved in the middle.

Be still and know that I am God
.

The words played again and again in Tanner’s mind, but they seemed to have no relevance to any of the troubles burying him
at the moment. He let his hands fall to the desk and stared at the outline for what could be his biggest case yet.

Tanner’s research had been exhaustive. He had reams of information he could hardly wait to share with a jury. He imagined their reaction when he revealed his favorite little-known facts. He glanced at his notes. For instance, separation of church and state, the idea most people attributed to the Constitution, was actually not in the Constitution at all.

The First Amendment said only this: “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof.”