Halfway Perfect (28 page)

When Alex yanks me into the empty office, I'm positive that we're about to finish our make-out session, and even though everything is complicated as hell right now, I can't say I'm not happy with this idea.

Except he doesn't kiss me or even touch me at all. He's got that serious, grown-up face again, and I back away from him, taking a seat on the edge of an old wooden desk.

“We need to talk,” he says right away. “And if you ask me to leave you alone this time, I'm not going to, just so you know.”

“Is this about Elana?” My heart is already pounding. I've been worried about her. She was insanely happy on the phone on Christmas and then I've hardly heard from her.

“It's not about Elana, not yet anyway.” Alex pauses for a second, taking a deep breath. He looks nervous. “I've been thinking about everything you told me, about you and Wes. And Eve, the more I think about it, the more I know that we need to get him fired.”

I suck in a breath. I can't help my shocked reaction, but playing it cool would have been my first choice. “Look, Alex—”

“He needs to be out of your life and out of Elana's,” he says.

I close my eyes, drawing in a cleansing breath before opening them again. “Wes is not in my life. He's just my agent. It's not like before.”

Alex shakes his head. “Doesn't matter. He's about five steps away from being in the exact same place he was with you two years ago. You just can't see it like I can. It isn't only about him hitting you or about you guys being together like you were. It's about possessiveness. He's controlling and manipulating you.”

“If you're jealous or worried about me getting back with Wes,” I say, “you seriously don't have anything to worry about. It's not happening. We were a mess together, and yeah, sometimes it's hard getting rid of that part of me that used to be in love with him, but I know it wasn't good and I don't want that again.”

I hope that helps clarify things enough for him, because the last thing I want is for Alex to think I'd choose Wes over him. Right now, I'm choosing no one. Obviously the having a boyfriend thing isn't one of my strengths.

Alex's breathing changes, and I can see he's angry or frustrated, but I just feel exhausted and don't know how else to ease his mind.

“This isn't about us,” he says finally.

“Is it about guilt? You feel guilty for everything that happened since that day Wes found us in your apartment? It's not your responsibility to fix this, if that's what you think.”

“It's not about guilt!” He steps closer. “It's about love. I love you. There. I said it. And there's nothing I can do to change that now. So if you think I'm capable of sitting around watching all this shit happen to you, then, well…then you're wrong.”

My heart thuds twice as fast now and tears build up in the corners of my eyes, but I'm not letting them fall. Not even one. And I can't open my mouth to say anything because my voice will come out all shaky.

Alex scrubs his hands over his face and then drops them, looking completely defeated. “I didn't want to play that card. I told myself I wasn't going to.”

I sit there frozen, waiting for Alex to say whatever else he needs to say. All I can do is keep repeating those words over and over in my head…
Alex
loves
me
…and trying to wrap my brain around this concept.

“Wes should be in jail,” he says. “He was twenty-four and he slept with a fifteen-year-old. Can't you see the wrong in that?”

I sigh. “Yeah, it's technically illegal, but I wanted him to, he didn't force me. It wasn't his idea. Things aren't always the way they are on paper.”

Alex throws his hands up in the air. “It was his job to stop you! He should have gotten away. He should have told someone and then reassigned you to a new agent. He shouldn't have reciprocated any of your feelings.”

“Great. Thanks, Alex.” I roll my eyes. “I really needed a reminder of what a crazy seductive fuckup I was a few years ago. Thanks a lot.”

He focuses on the wall above my head. “Okay, forget that. Forget the whole age thing. You keep saying how bad you two were for each other, but it had nothing to do with you, Eve. Abusive relationships are not the fault of both parties. And maybe you didn't have bruises and black eyes all the time. It comes in cycles, so you probably had months where everything was perfect and he probably did a lot more threatening than acting on it. A lot more mental hits than physical ones. But it's all the same. I've been doing some research lately. Tell me if any of this sounds familiar.”

“Any of what—?” I try to interrupt, but he lifts his hand to stop me.

“Any of the signs that you're in an abusive relationship,” Alex says, holding up one finger. “Dominance. Did he tell you what to do? Tell you what to wear, what to eat? Who to talk to?”

I lock eyes with Alex, holding his gaze firmly. “He was my agent. Of course he gave me those directions. Are you telling me he doesn't ever advise you on what to wear and on your diet?”

Alex lifts an eyebrow. “Not outside of work or work-related events. And he advises, not demands or enforces. What about humiliation? Did he belittle you? Criticize you? Tell you that you're a worthless cause or that you're not able to function without him?”

My eyes squeeze shut before I can stop them. My breath is quickening, like something is trying to claw its way out of my chest. I try to stop my mind from traveling to those dark places, but I can't. I keep hearing him—Wes—his words.

Hannah
obviously
doesn't know what happens when you're allowed to think for
yourself.

I
want
you
to
get
everything
you
deserve, and I'm not sure that's possible without me
in
tervening.

You're so fucking hardheaded. If you'd just listen to me, we wouldn't have these
problems.

You
need
a
strong
guy
who
can
handle
your
ups
and downs.

“And we already know that he isolated you,” Alex says. “You couldn't tell anyone you were with him and if you wanted to spend time with him, it had to be just the two of you.”

I'm blinking back tears and trying to find my voice again. “Okay, you can stop now.”

He just shakes his head. “What about intimidation? Did he smash things in front of you? Break stuff? Let you know that he wasn't above violence?”

How does he know all this? My hands are shaking and my eyes are squeezed shut again. I can't stop the tears from falling down my cheeks. Whatever is caught in my chest is about to come loose. Whether it's words or a sob, I'm not sure yet and it's out of my hands.

“Then he blamed you, right? He made excuses about how unreasonable you were and how difficult you were to be with, and he was probably very sorry and he probably loved you so much that he just got carried away sometimes. Does that sound familiar, Eve?”

I shake my head, unable to open my eyes or lift a hand to wipe my face off. “Stop, please.”

Alex places one hand on either side of me, leaning in so close his forehead almost touches mine. My eyes open the second I feel the heat radiating off his body and hitting mine.

“Listen to me,” he says, softer and more confident. “It wasn't your fault. Wes is such a master manipulator, Eve. He did it to me too. He told me this sob story about you and how you needed him and you were so messed up and I believed him. For a little while, I believed him. Then I read that interview that you did in
Seventeen
, and I knew someone had sucked the life out of you after that.”

I'm fighting the urge to break down so much that I can hardly breathe. Alex lifts a hand and rests it on my cheek, wiping away some of the tears with his thumb. “It doesn't matter how often he hurt you or why he did it or what you did to provoke him. There's no excuse that's acceptable. None. I don't think you've ever let yourself believe that.”

I swallow the lump in my throat and shake my head again. “You don't get it. You weren't there. Not everything is black and white.”

His mouth forms a tight line like he's biting back an angry retort. He drops his hand from my face and returns it to the desk beside me. “Okay, I wasn't there. But you were. Think about it, Eve. Look at everything that happened between you and Wes as an outsider. What if it were Stephanie or Elana explaining this to you? What if Elana said she deserved to have Wes hit her because she was being a huge brat? What would you tell her?”

My whole body is shaking as Alex's words hit me like the biggest realization of my life. What if it was Elana? It's so much easier to deal with this my way, the way I'd rationalized it for years. Things got bad between us and I had to leave. We loved each other too much to function—this is what I repeated in my head over and over again, and somehow it drowned out the bruises Wes left on my arms, the shattered glass that pierced the side of my neck, requiring stitches, the words that bypassed my skin and went straight for my heart. Wes Danes screwed with my head so bad I can't even see things for what they are.

“It's not your fault,” Alex whispers again. “You have to believe me.”

Finally, I give him a small nod, and then I let myself break down. I can't really stop it. Alex's arms go around me, and my face is buried in his shirt, and my life is rewinding itself inside my head and showing me colors I've never seen before and none of it is pleasant. It's so ugly I feel sick to my stomach and completely unable to draw in enough air to my lungs.

Alex just stands there, squeezing me and rubbing his hands over my back, like he's not planning on letting go anytime soon. And I'm so tired I can hardly keep myself from slumping over.

I don't know how long I stand there letting Eve cry and listening to her breathing, making sure she's not hyperventilating. I'm completely weak with relief. I saw it on her face, that lightbulb of realization hitting, and I knew that I'd somehow managed to get through to her despite all the idiotic things I'd accidentally said.

I want to just let her keep crying and then take her back to her place and make sure she's okay, but I have one more important subject to broach. I keep my arms tight around her, squeezing her to my chest so she can't run away.

“I need you to tell Elana,” I say as soon as her breathing returns normal. “Tell her what happened between you and Wes and put a stop to whatever she's trying to have with him before anything can even start.”

She lifts her head and wipes her face on the sleeve of her shirt before looking up at me. “Okay, I'll do that.”

“You will?” I try to hide the shock from my voice, but it's hard, considering the resistance I got from her earlier.

She stands up and straightens my shirt, trying to rub off the tears and snot with her sleeve. I gently push her hand away. I could care less about my shirt. Her arms go around my neck, and she hugs me tight. “I'm sorry you couldn't meet a nice normal girl with a lot less baggage. Like someone who goes to Starbucks on Sunday and hates boys who are stupid and only talk about sports.”

I laugh. “I've met plenty of normal girls, believe me.”

She lets go of me and tries harder to remove evidence of her crying by smearing mascara all over her shirtsleeve. “Do you think I'm stupid?”

I stare at her in disbelief. “Why would I think that?”

“For being with Wes at fifteen? For letting him do what he did? For believing that maybe now, after two years, he's actually different?”

I shake my head. “I know what you're thinking, the issues I have with Elana and me being falsely together, my opinions. But I'm not you and you're so different. I could see how a fifteen-year-old version of you would have connected more with someone older. It's not the age thing. You said so yourself in that
Seventeen
interview; being a model means living in the grown-up world and being treated that way. The real problem is Wes, not the age gap between the two of you. And no, I don't think you're stupid for letting him hurt you. He's an amazing manipulator, Eve. I fell for all kinds of his shit.”

She lets out a breath, relieved. “So what now?”

“You mean with you and me?” She nods and then I remember that I told her I loved her even though I wasn't planning on doing that today. “Well, you already know how I feel.”

She rolls her eyes. “Okay, but what about—?”

I grab her hand and squeeze it. “What about what? The way I see it, we've got nothing to lose now. There's no fake relationship on the line or scholarship for you.”

Dread fills Eve's face. “Yeah, I know, but Wes.”

“Right, Wes.” I take a deep breath. “Let's not let him find out about us until we have a plan. You talk to Elana and I'll figure out the rest, okay?”

“Okay.” She looks nervous. Really nervous. I don't know what else to say to ease her mind. To let her know that no matter what happens, we are doing exactly what we should be doing.

“You leave first, and I'll hang back a while so we're not seen together.”

She looks a little lost but nods. “Sure, that's a good plan.”

“Eve?” I catch her hand before she opens the door. I place my hands on her face and lean in and kiss her. “I'm not going anywhere. We'll figure this out together, and I won't do anything without talking to you first. I know it's hard for you, but you
can
trust me.”

She gives me another quick kiss on the mouth. “Thank you.”

I take Eve's spot sitting on the desk in the empty office and wait ten agonizing minutes before heading out, to come up with this great plan that I just promised her even though I currently have nothing to work with.