Half to Death (8 page)

Lauren smiled. “You’d rather do that instead of what we spent half the day doing?”

Jade was weary, I could feel it. “I guess what I’m asking is, will we ever really be together? Where’s this relationship going?”

“Don’t put pressure on me,” Lauren said pleadingly. “I’m dealing with a lot at work, and my ex is driving me crazy. I can’t make any long-term plans right now.” Jade watched as she gathered her things. “I’ll call you.” The sound of her heels clacked across the floor, then a door closed.

Jade sighed deep and wearily. Lauren would call when she was ready for a tryst, but Jade wouldn’t answer.

Jade shifted, and I blinked as the movie screen filled my eyes again. I felt used and angrier with myself than Lauren—Jade’s feelings clung to me like a damp coat. I couldn’t laugh anymore at the onscreen antics. Pivoting in my seat, I sat with my back nearly turned to her, avoiding contact. She took that opportunity to use the armrest, and no matter how much I squeezed into the other side of my chair, we came in contact.

I was being kissed roughly. The woman on top of Jade was grinding into her so hard it felt like my spine was being crushed into the hardwood floor where they were lying. Jade broke the kiss, and we gasped. “Stop,” she said breathlessly.

The woman, who had moved to her neck and was showering it with bites and kisses, rose up on her arms and looked deep into my eyes. “Why?”

Jade didn’t say anything as she stared into the pools of brown, myriad thoughts swirled in her brain. My mind swam as my brain scrambled to make sense of them all. I heard a familiar male voice say somewhere in Jade’s mind, “Chloe and her friends are in stiff competition to see who will bed her first.” I heard and felt Jade wish that she’d never overheard that conversation. I felt her desire for companionship and the sad realization that these brief interludes were all she was ever going to get, all she was worthy of.

“Let’s move to the bed, the floor is killing me.”

Chloe stood and gave Jade a hand up. I could feel the self-loathing, the sadness that permeated Jade. Arousal would be slow in coming. She hoped that Chloe wouldn’t notice.

Jade moved again and broke the connection, and something wet hit my arm. My hand rose slowly to my face. It was damp from my tears. I choked back a sob and clamped my eyes shut until I regained my composure. The images and the accompanying feelings were so much more vivid, more intense than anything I’d experienced in prior encounters. When I looked back up at the movie screen, it looked dull in comparison.

I mustered the courage and looked at Jade. She was no longer laughing at the movie. Slumped down in her seat, she was staring down, not looking at the screen. A finger was pressed to her temple, and I could tell she was somewhere else, deep in thought. She’s dwelling on these memories right now, I thought. That’s why they were so intense. In her profile, I saw what I’d felt—sadness, deep unrelenting sadness.

There we sat two peas in a pod. I was too scared to let go and love, and Jade felt too unworthy to be loved. Had true love slapped either of us in the face, we’d never recognize it because both of us were incapable of receiving.

When the movie ended, we got up and merged into the crowd. In the foyer of the theater, I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the glass frame of a movie poster. I looked like hell. No one would’ve guessed that I’d just seen a comedy. My eyes were swollen, and my face looked puffy and fatigued.

Jade, who was ahead of me, stopped and waited. I caught the quick widening of her eyes when she looked at my face. She opened the door and held it for me to pass through. I mumbled a “thanks” and kept walking. She moved alongside me, and we walked silently to the car.

“You okay?” she asked once we were inside.

“Fine.” A lie passed through my head, and I started to claim that I had an allergic reaction to strong perfume. Two months earlier, I might’ve let it roll off my tongue, but the urge to be honest with her overwhelmed me. I felt my eyes begin to burn again.

“Hey.”

From the corner of my eye, I saw her hand move toward me. I recoiled, rolling my shoulders toward the door. Jade jerked her hand away.

“I know you have a germ phobia, but do you consider me that dirty?”

The latter part of the question was so heavily laced with emotion that I was immediately furious with myself. “No, no, I don’t think you’re dirty.” I took a deep labored breath. “I’ve got a lot on my mind. I’m dealing with things that…tear me up inside. If you touch me, all the emotion is going to come tumbling out like a tidal wave, and I won’t stop for what I fear may be days.”

She was quiet as I turned the engine and pulled out of the parking lot. I had planned to ask her if she’d like to have dinner, but I needed to get her back to her car, then lock myself away. I wanted to take her in my arms and tell her that she was worthy, deserving of love and of happiness. But I couldn’t, and for the first time in my life, I felt like it truly mattered.

“It’s okay to cry, you know,” she said after we’d ridden for a few minutes. “You can lean on me.”

Jade didn’t ask me what was wrong. She was simply offering comfort. Again, I felt my anger rise at myself, at whomever or whatever had laid this affliction upon me. Maybe I was being cosmically repaid for the hearts I’d broken in my selfish pursuits, but this punishment was too severe. I wasn’t the only jacked-up soul out there who toyed with the emotions of others. At least, my reasons for doing so were because of fear and vulnerabilities. There were many who did it for sport, amusement.

“Would you like me to tell you something funny? It might take your mind off things for a little while.”

I glanced over at her and smiled. “Yeah, I’d like that.”

“Last night, Guy jumped up on the bed, right in the center of my chest.” She looked over at me. “You ever wake up and not know where you are, even though you’re in your own bed?”

“Many times, yes.”

“I was sleeping so deep, and when that cat hit me, I forgot I had one. I sat straight up and screamed at the top of my lungs.” She started laughing. “Poor Guy looked just like a cartoon character. He jumped straight into the air, all four paws spread eagle, and he screamed just as loud as I did and higher pitched.”

The laugh rumbled up through me. The mental picture, though funny, wasn’t truly the catalyst. I wanted to laugh at something. It felt good to release the pressure that had been building inside.

“After I calmed down, I went looking for Guy. I felt sorry for him. I have high ceilings in the kitchen, so there’s sort of a roost on top of my cabinets, and he was up there hiding.”

“You scared the shit out him, no doubt,” I said with a laugh.

“I checked my bed for just that. I think the scare might’ve taken one or two of his nine lives.”

I glanced in her direction. “Thanks for that. It helped a lot.”

Jade nodded. “Sometimes, we just need something to laugh at.”

*******

She wasn’t joking about her truck being shitty. The parking lot when I picked her up was full, but by the time we got back to the gym, her old Ford was the only thing out there. I figured it rolled off the assembly line in the early nineties. The door creaked loudly when she opened it. It cranked on the first try, though, and I followed her out of the parking lot in a billow of black smoke.

Later as I lay in bed, thoughts of Jade filled my mind. Two months before, I would’ve been hot on her trail, using every charm I had to get her into my bed. I didn’t know how anyone could look at her and not be attracted. She had it all—a beautiful face, lovely hair, and a body that was eye-popping hot. Had I not peeked into her soul per se, I wouldn’t have ever known that she was so self-deprecating. She carried herself with a confidence that belied what was going on inside. But now I knew she was just a tender soul wanting acceptance and love like the rest of us—like me.

I guess no one ever bothered to look past the armor, maybe Jade never let them. Perhaps she wouldn’t have let me, but I’d gotten a glimpse of what and who she was. To me, that made her lovelier than what was on the outside. I looked at her with different eyes when she got into her truck that night. She was the total package and had no clue.

Chapter 7

“You did what?” Miranda stood on the other side of the counter with her hands on her hips.

“It was platonic. She didn’t want to go to the movies alone.”

“Until you get a handle on this thing, you’re just tempting fate by making new friends.” Miranda narrowed her eyes. “Don’t stand there and tell me that you wouldn’t jump P.P. if she gave you half a chance.”

I started to fuss about the use of the nickname but decided that it was correct. Jade was perfection personified, at least in my eyes. “Have you forgotten? I can’t jump anyone.”

Miranda shook her head. “I haven’t forgotten, but I wonder if sometimes you have. There’s a mutual attraction there, Sloan. Right now, she might like you a little bit. If you continue to spend time with her, she may decide that she likes you a lot. Then what will you do?”

I had no answer. “I don’t know. I’m just living one day to the next without a plan,” I said testily.

Miranda softened her tone. “I worry for you both. I don’t know her well at all, but I don’t want to see either of you hurt.”

“Me either.”

“So let’s analyze this.” Miranda came behind the counter and took a seat on the stool next to me.

“I don’t want to be analyzed.”

Miranda sat quietly until I looked at her. “I know you don’t, but I think you need to. Unfortunately, you can’t live day to day anymore. You have to think ahead. So be honest and tell me how you feel about her.”

I chewed the bottom of my lip as I swung my feet back and forth. “I don’t lust after her. I don’t spend my time trying to think of ways to seduce her. I just enjoy her company. She’s really an extraordinary person. The more I learn about her, the more I want to know.”

“Shit,” Miranda said softly.

“What?”

“Let me ask you something.” Miranda cocked her head to the side. “When you first met Paige, did you feel the same about her?” She held her hand up to forestall my answer. “Think about this for a minute.”

Lonna’s girlfriend was the newest addition to the group. When we first met, I was naturally curious about her, but with Jade…it felt completely different. “Shit. I’m just drawn to her I can’t explain why.”

Miranda shook her head sadly. “You’ve never been in love. You don’t know how it feels to stand on the precipice right before the fall. That’s where you’re at.”

“It’s too soon, don’t you think?” I asked, holding out hope and knowing what she said was true.

“There’s no timetable.” Miranda looked down at her shoes. “You need more time with your gift before you go any further with her. You need to back away.”

“Gift! This isn’t a gift. It’s a penance! A blight.” I hopped off the stool, and it clattered to the floor. “A gift is something you can use, something that’s good to receive.” I rounded the counter and kicked at the wall. Miranda let me huff and puff until I regained control.

“This is going to sound trite,” she said forcefully. “But if you keep looking at it that way, that’s all it’s going to be. Quit running from something that is obviously a part of you and grab it by the balls. Learn to use it. Master it, make it work for you instead of against you.”

“Okay, balls? Ew.”

Miranda grinned and pointed at me. “Don’t try to make me laugh. You know I’m right. If Mom were here, she would’ve already jerked some sense into you.”

She was right. Momma Donahue would’ve popped me upside the head. “Give me time to adjust.”

“No. You’ll just talk yourself into circles like you’ve been doing the past two months. You’re gonna get back into normal routines. You’re gonna stop avoiding our friends. Tonight, Marty’s boiling shrimp, and everybody’s coming. You’re coming, too.”

I shook my head. “What if one of them touches me?”

“You didn’t ask yourself that when you went out with Jade, and you won’t use that as an excuse with me. The probability that you will be touched is high. I’ll be right there with you. Try, Sloan, try hard to control it.”

“Control it, right.”

*******

Miranda hung around the store until I closed. I was certain she did it to make sure I wouldn’t back out. When we walked in, I could see Marty on the patio dropping the seasoning into the boiler. Her blond hair was in a ponytail, but the loose pieces were already curling from the steam rising out of the pot. Miranda and I were like stomping bulls, Marty was all poise and grace. She looked up when she heard us banging around in the kitchen while mixing drinks and waved.

“I told her not to hug you,” Miranda said softly. “Actually, I told them all not to hug you. They think you’re an emotional basket case right now, and the least bit of affection will make you cry, and we all know how you hate to do that.”

“Well, thanks.” I rolled my eyes.

“You had a better idea?” Miranda put her hands on her hips and looked at me.

“No, fresh out.”

“Well, hey stranger.” Deb walked into the kitchen. Neither Miranda nor I heard her and Angel come in. Deb looked at me with a wide smile. “You’ve lost weight. You look good.”

I’d just started my diet and exercise program, and I knew for a fact that I’d gained two pounds since the last time I’d seen her, but I took the compliment anyway. Unlike me, Deb had lost weight. Her wedge hairstyle ran along her jawline accentuating how sharp it had actually become. She’d lightened her brown hair a shade, which made the shadows beneath her eyes look darker. I looked around to see if anyone else was affected by the change in Deb’s appearance, but no one seemed to be as taken aback as I was. Then again, they’d seen her more often than I had and perhaps for them the change had been gradual.

Angel’s blond braided ponytail flopped over her shoulder as she grabbed a beer from the fridge and offered one to Deb who waved her off and grabbed a bottle of water instead. Angel’s blue eyes twinkled as she took a swig of her beer and asked, “How are the workouts going?”

“A nightmare from which there is no escape.” Miranda tapped her glass with mine.