Gwendolen (14 page)

I hated your reply, which mapped the distance between us and left me feeling so alone. You said you seldom did any good by your preaching and perhaps should have kept from meddling. I took you to mean you regretted returning the necklace and saw your action as prelude to a fatal encounter. I said if you wished you had not meddled, that meant you despaired of me and had forsaken me, and if you despaired of me I should despair, for that would mean you had decided for me that I should not be good. ‘It is you who must decide,' I said, ‘because you might have made me different by keeping as near to me as you could and believing in me.'

You looked perturbed. I had gone too far and asked too much. When Miss Lapidoth began to sing again I got up and sat elsewhere. I suspected I had driven you away. I felt dread and fear at the compulsion that made me turn to you in search of protection and love. My wounds were hidden from all but you and I tried not to weep in my velvet and gems. And Mirah Lapidoth was singing Beethoven's ‘
Per pieta, non dirmi addio
': ‘For pity's sake, do not leave me.'

*

Grandcourt's eyes were on me of course. In the carriage home he said, ‘Lush will dine with us among the other people tomorrow. You will treat him civilly.'

I did not speak the enraged words in my head: You are breaking your promise. The only promise you made me. I feared a quarrel might end with his white throttling fingers around my neck. ‘I thought you did not intend Lush to frequent the house again,' I said. Grandcourt retorted he wanted his presence and found him useful.

Why was I angered? Grandcourt was not a man to whom a promise meant anything. To compound my loathing he said, ‘Nothing makes a woman more of a gawky than searching out people and showing moods in public. A woman ought to have fine manners. Else it's intolerable to appear with her.'

Grandcourt had no cultural or political curiosity. He scanned the newspaper columns only to describe as brutes all Germans, commercial men and voters liable to use the wrong kind of soap. He assumed a scornful silence if Schleswig-Holstein, the policy of Bismarck, trade unions or household suffrage were mentioned. But no movement of mine in relation to you escaped him.

He had no regrets about marrying me: far from it, the marriage brought aim to his life, indulged his brutality and did not impede his visits to Mrs Glasher. My shoulders, nails, hair, ears, neck, teeth, feet, satisfied his fastidious taste. My spirited repartee aroused him. He did not care that I hated him. My hatred fed his cruelty. Nor did it pain him that I preferred your society to his. But he wanted me to know, with as much clarity as if I were handcuffed with the keys dangling from his chain, that my inclination towards you was helpless.

My expression of longing for intimacy with you was punished that night in the usual way.

*

From the Grosvenor Square house Grandcourt and I gave splendid receptions, went on conspicuous rides and drives and made fashionable appearances at the opera. In this opulent display of city life my only ambition was to see you.

One morning at breakfast I said I had a mind to have singing lessons. Why? Grandcourt asked, in his disparaging way. ‘Why?' I replied, ‘Because I want a variety of ennui.' What, I asked him, would be the most convenient time, when he was with his lawyers, for me to have lessons from the little Jewess whose singing was all the rage?

‘Whenever you like.' He pushed back his chair, gave his lizard-like stare and fondled the ears of the tiny spaniel on his lap. How I loathed the way he made those dogs fawn on him. Then he said, ‘I don't see why a lady should sing. Amateurs make fools of themselves. A lady can't risk herself in that way in company and one doesn't want to hear squalling in private.'

‘I like frankness,' I said. ‘That seems to me a husband's great charm.' I looked at the boiled eyes of the prawns on my plate in preference to looking into his.

‘I hope you don't object to Miss Lapidoth's singing at our party on the 4th of May,' I said. ‘I thought of engaging her. Lady Brackenshaw had her, you know, and the Raymonds, who are particular about their music. And Mr Deronda, who is a musician himself and a first-rate judge, says there is no singing in such good taste as hers for a drawing room. His opinion is an authority.'

I dared to sling that small stone. A rock was thrown in return. ‘It's very indecent of Deronda to go about praising that girl,' Grandcourt drawled.

‘Indecent? To go about praising?' I felt trepidation.

‘Yes, and especially when she is patronised by Lady Mallinger. He ought to hold his tongue about her. Men can see what is his relation to her.'

‘Men who judge of others by themselves,' I said, heedless of the repercussions of my daring.

‘Of course. And a woman should take their judgement – else she is likely to find herself in the wrong place. I suppose you take Deronda for a saint.'

‘Oh dear no,' I replied, careless of retribution, ‘only a little less of a monster than you.'

*

I hurried out, locked the door of my dressing room and tried to calm my racing heart. Were you betraying me and Mirah Lapidoth, setting us against each other, as my poisonous husband betrayed two women? I loathed Grandcourt for imparting such suspicion. It hurt me to consider you might be other than how I imagined you. I was not entitled to you, the grounds for my faith in you were fragile, I knew little of your life, my opening up to you was impulsive and childish, from our first meeting on you had rebuked me. Might the grave beauty of your face be as much a mask as Grandcourt's aristocratic ease? Did both conceal untrustworthiness?

Then suddenly, though the morning was grey, a stream of sunshine poured through the window from the fast-changing skies of April. And although I try not to be guided by signs and auguries, with this flood of warmth and light which bathed me and the room, I dared to plant the seedling of hope that one day, one day, I might flourish in a world beyond fear and dark thoughts and this captivity.

*

I rang for the housekeeper, ascertained Grandcourt had gone to his lawyers, ordered a carriage and dressed for the drive. Grandcourt would find out and punish me but I was punished enough. It would be hard for him to punish me more.

The carriage drew up at a humble terraced house in Chelsea overlooking the river. Miss Lapidoth was at home. I was shown into a cramped room with folding doors. When I heard your voice behind them I wanted to leave. I buttoned and unbuttoned my gloves and feared I had gone beyond the bounds of acceptable behaviour.

Miss Lapidoth came in, smiled, took my outstretched hand and drew a chair near as if prepared for confidences. Her calmness contrasted with my agitation. I apologised for calling, said perhaps I ought to have written but I had a particular request. She said she was glad I called. I was aware of the difference between us: my height and pallor, her smallness and fresh complexion; she in her simple clothes, I in my plumed hat. I wanted to tell her I now hated diamonds and was not born with an expectation of finery. I said I hoped, I would be much obliged, if she would sing at our house on the 4th, in the evening, at a party, as she had at Lady Brackenshaw's.

‘At ten?' she asked.

‘At ten,' I said, then paused. My embarrassment grew. My impetuosity and impertinence were out of place but I could not restrain myself. ‘Mr Deronda is in the next room?' I whispered.

‘Yes, he is reading Hebrew with my brother.'

‘You have a brother?' I asked, though I had heard this from Lady Mallinger.

‘Yes,' she said. She told me how dear this brother Mordecai was to her and how ill with consumption, and how you were the truest of friends to him and her. I put my hand on hers and whispered, ‘Tell me the truth: Mr Deronda – you are sure he is quite good? You know no evil of him? Is any evil people say of him false?'

She drew back, glared at me, then flared with anger. She said she would not believe evil of you if an angel told it her; you found her when she was so miserable, poor and forsaken she was about to drown herself; you saved her life, treated her like a princess and searched London for her adored brother, with whom she was now reunited.

I had heard all I needed. You and your life were no more like Grandcourt's conception than southern starlight is like London smog. I was reassured that your interest in Mirah Lapidoth came from your Christian kindness and was not amorous. But then, in dread of the dividing doors opening and you finding me there, I hastily thanked Miss Lapidoth and bowed myself out.

*

As I arrived at Grosvenor Square so did Grandcourt. He threw down his cigar, helped me from the carriage and accompanied me upstairs. I tried to ignore him and went to my boudoir. He followed and sat in front of me, his chair too close. ‘May I ask where you have been at this extraordinary hour?' he asked.

I felt choked like a tight-leashed dog. Not even the air I breathed belonged to me. I sat by the table, laid my gloves on it and did not look at him.

‘Oh yes, I have been to Miss Lapidoth to ask her to come and sing for us.'

‘And to ask about her relations with Deronda?' Grandcourt added with the coldest sneer, the deepest threat.

My control broke. I spat out in fury, ‘Yes, and what you said is false, a low, wicked falsehood.' Oh, I could have said much more, that his whole life was a low, wicked falsehood, that I detested him, saw no good in him, liked nothing about him and wished him dead.

‘She told you so, did she?' he said with calm aggression. He stood, barred me from rising from my chair, looked down at me and tipped my face upward. I longed for the knife with the steel blade. ‘It's of no consequence so far as the singing goes,' he drawled. ‘You can have her to sing if you like. But you will please to observe that you are not to go near that house again. You have married
me
and must be guided by me. As my wife you must take my word about what is proper for you. When you undertook to be Mrs Grandcourt you undertook not to make a fool of yourself. You have been making a fool of yourself this morning; and if you were to go on as you have begun, you might get yourself talked of at the clubs in a way I would not like.'

It was as if a disinterested physician, going about his workaday job, were explaining how an invasive cancer had so eaten my life there was nothing to be done. As Grandcourt left the room I thought of uncle's wish for him to enter politics. Had he done so, how calmly he would seek to exterminate those of whom he disapproved.

I thought of the casino at Homburg, the anticipation of winning and the disappointment of loss. I had lost fatally but I had hardened. Grandcourt could not again make me doubt my faith in you. I believed you to be as generous and kind as he was mean and vicious. I chose to imagine I was the woman you loved. A refractoriness settled in me which Grandcourt sensed, a defiance of mood, a hardness of social manner, a careless insincerity, but, when I saw you, such betrayal of agitation and need.

*

Mamma and my sisters moved to the White House, known as Jodson's, a mile from Offendene and circled by pine trees, with windows that opened wide to a garden of roses. But I despaired at the loss of the old home, the red and pink peonies that bloomed on the lawn, the hollyhocks that grew tall by the hedges.

My visits were few to the new house. Anna was our link. She came often to London to visit Rex. Mamma said that when he called, to avoid paining him, I was not mentioned. Anna gave her and my sisters news of my London life, the house at Grosvenor Square, comment about me in the Society pages. Rex was a friend of Hans Meyrick; they had met when students at Cambridge. Hans gave Anna a sketch of Rex which showed his strong jaw and wide mouth.

It was my joy and sorrow to manage a visit to Jodson's alone. Mamma's hair was more silvery, my sisters more grown up. They wanted to hear first hand about my city life: the fashions, scandals, plays, parties and opera. I told them about Mirah Lapidoth and her brother Mordecai. Fanny could not imagine what Jews believed, Alice was sure she could not bear them whoever they were, Isabel wondered if they talked and looked the same as other people, and Miss Merry suspected Mirah and her brother lacked education. Mamma said Society Jewish families in Paris and London were quite what they ought to be, but the vulgar unconverted ones were objectionable. I was calm in this female company, the bright chatter, the murmurs of the garden, the sound from the lane of hoofs and carriage wheels, but I yearned for Offendene and the life I had lost.

*

One morning Grandcourt came to my room, hat and gloves in hand, and said, ‘I am going out. I want Lush to come and explain some business about property to you. He knows about these things. I suppose you'll not mind.'

‘You know that I mind,' I said. ‘I shall not see him.' I tried to leave but he barred my way.

‘It's no use making a fuss. There are brutes in the world one has to talk to. People with
savoir vivre
don't fuss about such things. Some business must be done. If I employ Lush the proper thing for you is to take it as a matter of course. Not to make a fuss. Not to toss your head and bite your lips.'

I had no
savoir faire
: I tossed my head and chafed like a horse. I moved back from him; he moved towards me. What was the point? I was bored with my hatred, so deadening in its repetitiveness. If I did not hear whatever it was from Lush, I would hear it from this husband whom I loathed even more.

‘I have arranged for him to come up now while I am out,' Grandcourt said. ‘I shall come back in time to ride, if you would like to get ready.' He tipped my chin and kissed my neck.

Lush was announced. I noted his fat hands and smarmed hair and nodded towards a chair. I might have thought him risible were he not so repulsive. With his bulging eyes and oily voice he was like an incidental character from a novel by Charles Dickens. He held a piece of folded paper and began a nasal oration: