Guided Love (Prick #1) (42 page)

      The ride back to the house was quiet—I can tell Axel was nervous about the letter he received. We pull up and head into the house, he grabs my hand and we walk to the back gate. He takes us to the tree where her drops my hand and starts to climb up the ladder, then looks down and motions for me to follow. I start to climb up and then we are sitting in his childhood tree house. I can only imagine how awesome this would have been when you were a kid. It truly feels like you are in your own little world. He has a few bookshelves that he probably put his toys on and two little windows to look out. Over one of the windows is:
Axel was here
in black marker. Yeah, I can only imagine the fun he had. I crawl over and sit next to him. He has his long legs pulled up and his arms are resting on his knees. The envelope is in his hands.

“I’m nervous to open this.”

“I get it, but she wanted to leave one more conversation for you.”

“Yeah, you’re right.”

“Do you want me to give you some time?”

He turns his head toward me, brings his hand up with the envelope, and hands it to me.

“No, babe, I am definitely going to need you here with me. Will you read it to me? I don't think that I can do it.”

I nod and slowly swallow the lump that has formed in my throat. Just knowing that Axel wants me here with him means the world to me, but reading this letter to him, that just reassured me that it was Axel and me and we would get through this together.

“Absolutely, whatever you need me to do, babe. I’m here.”

I take the envelope and I hear him take a deep breath in and release it slowly.

I open up the envelope and pull out the yellow paper inside.

I clear my throat and begin to read.

To my sweet boy,

If you are reading this then that means I have passed and, sweetheart, I need for you to know that everything is going to be okay. I wanted to take a moment and make sure to remind you of a few things.

First off, you need to know that you have made my life complete, Axel, and for that I am entirely thankful to you. The day you came into my life is the day I finally knew the love of a mother. I convinced myself that I would never have that feeling, that the doctors were right, I would never have a child, and I hardened my heart. Yet, I remember the first day I saw you coming into the backyard and climbing our tree; I knew that GOD had blessed me that day and I felt all of the walls crumble. With a simple smile and a wave of your hand, my heart belonged to you. Tony and I would never be the same again. We finally had our dream, our dream of having a child to love and to raise. Even though I may not have given birth to you, Axel, but you are my son and I wouldn't have had it any other way.

Many feel that family consists of only blood; yet, I beg to differ. Family is those who you surround yourself with, those who will love you for who you are and be there without hesitation when you need them. You, my son, made our family complete and I am so happy that you have a great family now as well. Your friends have become your family and I know that now, without me there, everything is going to be all right. You have found the love of a great woman and I was able to check off the last bucket on my list.

Witness Axel fall in love.

Secondly, I want to make sure to tell you again how much you I love you. I know I should have told you about the diagnosis, but I didn't want you to worry. I wanted to enjoy the time that I had left. I have sat each night and looked at all of the photo albums and I can't put into words how lucky I was to be a part and to witness your life. From each birthday and Christmas, class performances and band practice: our life was whole. I am trying to take in all of the memories, because I know some days it may seem like I am not there with you because of this stupid illness; but know, Axel, in my heart, I know when you are with me. I am sorry that you have to go through this as well, I really wish you never had to see me like this; just know I love you so much and nothing will ever change that.

Now, this wouldn't be a true Ma letter if I didn't pass on a little last minute wisdom so here it is.

Words of Wisdom

1.) Smile, even when you are sad. I know it sounds crazy but smile and remember how blessed you are

2.) Don't be too serious. Make sure to laugh, be silly, and dance around the kitchen when you make breakfast

3.) Love your wife, Sam, (hint, hint), with everything you have. Tell her how thankful you are to have her share her life with you. Tell her how beautiful she is everyday

4.) Always help others without expectations

5.) Remember work to live, don't live to work

6.) Never go to bed mad

7.) Always say I love you. Time is precious, don't ever waste the moment.

8.) Don't regret anything. Your past has made you who you are and you should be proud of any scars you show.

9.) Continue with your bucket list

10.) Last but not least, always be there for your friends. You are a strong man, Axel, and all of them look up to you in one way or another. Some may try and tell you that they are fine, that they don't need your help, but don't let them push you away, son. Always be the one they can depend on.

Okay, my sweet boy, this isn't goodbye. This is a simple note that ends with I LOVE YOU—so much—and I will be watching over all of you. Be good and have fun. Remember to smile and laugh. This is not a sad occasion. I am with Tony and we are rocking around to Snoop Dog up here in Heaven. Smile, baby, and know that I love you xoxoxox

P.S. Thank you for loving me and giving me the privilege of being your Ma

I slowly lower the letter and look up, with tears in my eyes, to see Axel smiling.

“You okay?”

He smiles at me and nods.

“Yeah, baby, I’m good. I needed to hear those words. I needed to know that she knew that I loved her. I know that she is in a better place and with Pa, so, I'm good.”

I fold the letter, place it back into the envelope, and hand it back to him. I wipe away the tear that has fallen and shake my head, because he is right: her words were perfect.

We sit in silence for a little while before we head down the ladder and into the house. Ellie was in everything around us. I see him walk past the walls and look at the pictures hanging and just brushing his hands over everything as he passed.

“Baby, I don't know what to do? I have no idea where to start.” I walk up behind him, wrap my arms around his waist, and look up into his dark saddened eyes. “We’ll start tomorrow. Today . . . today we’re going to grieve and we’re going to surround ourselves with family. Come on, grab your keys, we’re heading to the shop and then Kester's.”

The night is exactly what I needed. We went to the shop and then headed to Kester's, where all of the pricks, everyone but Camaron that is, toasted a drink to Ma. We talked about the times she would show up at the shop and try to talk ink. She would go on and on; it was great and all we would do is smile and agree. You always agreed with Ma, because she was always right. Allen and I played some pool and tried to talk shop. I look over and see Samantha sitting at the table, smiling up at Gabby, and it hits me this woman she loves me. I told her today that I am in love with her and she said she loves me back.

“Dude . . . it's your shot. What is that look all about?”

“What look?”

“That look like something big just happened.”

I grab my stick off the wall and walk around the table.

“I told Samantha that I am in love with her today.”

“Seriously? That is fucking awesome man. How did she take that?”

I line up my shot and raise my eyes to him. “She loves me too,” I say as I hit the cue ball and land the eight ball in the pocket.

Allen shakes his head because he hates to lose, especially at pool. I put the pool stick back and shake his hand.

“Well, man, I am happy for you.”

“Thanks, Allen”

“How do you think Camaron will take the news?”

We start to walk back to the table and I really think about his question. Will Camaron be pissed about this? I mean. He never cared for her. Hell, he fucking ruined her and he is lucky I didn't fucking kill him for it.

“Seriously . . . I don't give a fuck.”

All the girls and Paul turn and have a questionable look on their faces. I guess I was pretty loud in my response.

Samantha is the first to question me. “What don't you give a fuck about?”

I settle down into the chair next to her and wrap my arm around her waist, pulling her closer to me.

“I was just saying that I don't care how Camaron reacts to the fact that I am in love with you.”

I grab her chin, bring her mouth to mine and claim it. She is the most beautiful woman I have ever laid eyes on and she is all mine. I am the luckiest bastard alive.

We pull back and I hear, “AWWW.” I turn and see the pricks and Gabby all cooing at us. Samantha lowers her head and starts to laugh while I hang them the finger.

“Whatever, pricks, this woman right here is in love with me, and she is all mine, so fuck off. Maybe you all can learn something. Ma always said don't waste a moment to tell the ones you care for that you care for them. Maybe you should take her advice as well.” I look up and see Paul and Allen are giving me a look that I can only smirk at.

“Axel is right. If you care for anyone, you should scream it from the rooftops,” Samantha chimes in.

The awkward silence lasts a few moments until Gina walks by and hands us all some shots. We all tip them up and enjoy the burn.

It's Thursday and Axel and I are packing up some of Ellie's things. We are donating her clothing to a local church and they will be here soon to get the boxes. I walk past the closet when it hits me.

“Hey Axel, you need to make sure to clean out the hall closet.”

He walks towards me from the kitchen with a box of cookbooks that Mrs. Williams, next door, had given to Ma. Axel thought that it would be nice to let her have them.

“Okay, baby, I’ll get to it.”

Shaking my head, I say, “No, babe, I promised Ellie that the first thing I would have you do, if something happened, is clean out the closet. Hand me the box, I’ll put it by the door. You start with the closet.”

I leave him and take the box to the front door. I set it aside and head back up to see if Axel needs any help, when I see him carrying a large box and he sets it down on the coffee table.

“That was the easiest project.”

I look up at him confused. “What do you mean?”

He smiles at me and points to the box.

“This was the only thing in there.”

“Really?” I walk over toward him and the box. On the top of the box, Ellie has written:

AXEL OPEN THIS.

“Seriously, babe, Ellie thought of everything and is walking you through each step.”

He leans down and kisses my lips and replies, “Yeah, sweetheart, she is. She truly was an amazing woman.”

He brushes his hand across the words and pulls the tape from the top of the box. He opens it up and there are a few different items. Axel reaches in and pulls out a large yellow envelope. Across the top of the envelope, Ellie has marked:

Axel—Here is the copy of the deed to the house. You need to meet with Mr. Jenkins, he is our lawyer. His card is inside. Call him as soon as possible.