Guardian (The Guardian Trilogy) (18 page)

“Emma!” 
Dane is immediately at my side.  “Don’t cry!”

His
plea makes me cry harder.

“I’m
sorry!  I’m not that mad, I promise!”

It is
as if a damn has broken.  I can’t speak, I can’t open my eyes.  I can’t do
anything but cry.

Dane
grabs my wrists and gently tries to pull my hands from my face.  “Emma, look at
me.”

My
hands are frozen and locked into place.  They won’t budge with his gentle
nudging.  I am mortified by my behavior, and I have no energy to stop the
tears.

“Please
look at me?” he asks softly.

When I
won’t move, I feel his arms wrap around me.  He pulls me against his chest and
tucks my head under his chin.  I feel him slide us back to lean against the
seat of the cart.  My entire body tenses, and he can feel it.

“Relax,”
he says against my hair.  “Let it out.”

I
continue to cry as he holds me, but for entirely different reasons now.  What
if James is watching?  This is not what I wanted to happen!  Why is my body so
frozen that I can’t move to push him away?  Why can’t I speak?

Why do
these arms feel warm and safe?

The
shock of my last thought cuts my sobbing off with a choke.  I sit back rigidly,
the feeling returning to my fingers and hands.  I quickly pull them from my
face and try to turn away from him, pushing against his shoulder and chest as
hard as I can.  “Let me go!”  My voice sounds weak, garbled and stuck.

Dane’s
arms stay locked around me.  “It’s okay.”

“No! 
No, it’s not!”

He
releases me and I shift as far away from him as possible.  I wipe my eyes,
silently praying for the tears to stop.  When I think I have my emotions
somewhat under control, I turn to face him.  The look on his face is a mixture
of concern and confusion.

“I’m…sorry,”
I apologize.  “I don’t know what happened.”  My voice is shaky.

“Don’t
worry about it.  If you need a shoulder to cry on, I’m right here.”

I smile
feebly at him, thankful that he is no longer upset with me.  “Thanks, but I’ll
be all right.”

“You’re
sure?”

I nod.

Minutes
pass.  Finally he asks me, “How long has it been?”

“Since
what?”

“Since
you lost him.”

“Almost
two months,” I whisper.

“And
he’s all you think about?”

If he
only knew.  “Yes.”

Dane
studies me for a moment, which makes me uncomfortable.  “Close your eyes.”

“Why?”

“Just
trust me.”

I shake
my head no.

“Are
you scared?” he teases.

I roll
my eyes.  “No, of course not.”

“Then
do it.”

“Fine,”
I huff and close my eyes.  “Now what?”

Dane
says nothing.  After a moment, I feel his fingers wrap around my left hand.  My
eyes fly open, and I instinctively pull away.

Dane
sighs heavily.  “Close your eyes and give me your hand.”

“What
are you doing?”

“Just
do it!  You are beyond frustrating today,” he complains.  “I’m not going to
touch anything but your hand.  I promise.”

I eye
him warily.  Should I do this?  What if James is watching?  He hasn’t said
anything so far.  Maybe he wants to see what Dane is up to, so he can give me the
‘I told you so’ speech later.  But what if he isn’t up to anything?  Then that
speech could be coming from me.  I close my eyes and comply with his request.

Dane
grasps my hand and laces his fingers through mine.  “Sit back and relax,” he
tells me.  “Keep your eyes closed.”

I slide
back against the seat and try to relax, but this is kind of odd.  I feel Dane
lean against the seat next to me, but the only thing he touches is my hand,
just like he said.

We sit
in silence.  As the minutes pass, he starts to absentmindedly rub his thumb
across mine.  As much as I don’t want to admit it, it is comforting.

“Everything
okay?” he asks.

I nod. 
“What are you doing?”

“Keep
your eyes closed.  Think of James.  Use me.”

James
is late.  Very late.  Anxiety starts to bubble in my chest.  The confidence I
was feeling in proving that Dane is just a friend is beginning to wane; maybe
James doesn’t see it that way.

If he
saw it at all.

I
haven’t heard from him once today, which is troubling.  Usually, if he sees
something he doesn’t like, he lets me know.  Not that I’m naïve to think
holding Dane’s hand wouldn’t set him off, but the end result was positive.  Dane’s
just trying to be a good friend to me.

It’s after
midnight, and I’m starting to get restless.  What if James is truly angry?  Anxiety
scoots over and gives guilt a seat in my heart.  When I curl up in bed, I lie
in the darkness, my mind creating a web of unpleasant scenarios.  The more I
think about it, the harder it is for me to breathe.  I drift unwillingly in and
out of sleep.  The scenario I fear the most keeps haunting me.

The
one where James decides never to return.

My
shivering body wakes me.  I reach to pull my comforter higher around my
shoulders when my hand passes through noticeably cooler air behind me.  My eyes
snap open.

“James?”
I whisper.

“Sorry
I’m late.”

I quickly
roll over and blindly throw my arms around his cool form.

“Um,
you’re hugging my throat.”

“Sorry,”
I release him.  “I was so worried you weren’t coming.  Hold on.”

I lean
over to turn on the light.  I need to see him.  When I lie down to look at him,
my heart plummets.  He looks tired, worn, and sad.  He looks broken.  Instantly
I curl myself against his stomach, and I feel his arms wrap around me.  I’m
scared to ask him what is wrong.

James’
voice cracks.  “I can’t visit you for awhile.”

I close
my eyes and take a deep breath.  My gut tells me this is all my fault.  I’ve
brought this on myself.  “What can I do to make it right?”

“Nothing,”
he responds flatly.  “There’s nothing you can do.”

I stop
breathing at the realization of his anger.  My worst fear is coming true.  My
mind scrambles to find the right words to change his mind; to make him stay.

“Please
let me explain…” I choke.  “Today was…I shouldn’t have….”

The
chill intensifies under my chin and I instinctively know to raise my head.  I
look James in the eye as he searches my face.  “Go on.”

I take
a shaky breath.  “I was trying to prove to you that Dane is only a friend, that
he wants nothing more.  He didn’t try anything.  I knew you’d be watching, so I
agreed so you would see…”

James’
face twists.

“He only
held my hand, that was all.  To be kind, to calm me after my crying fit, to let
me pretend he was you…please…don’t leave me over this.”

His
face falls.  “He wants to pretend to be me?”

I
realize how that must have sounded.  “No, no, not like that.  Just for that
moment.  Didn’t you see?  Weren’t you watching?”

He
closes his eyes as if he’s trying to erase what I’ve said.  “No.  I wasn’t
watching.”

“Then
why are you leaving me?”

He
opens his eyes and looks deeply into mine.  “Garrett is angry.  I’ve been
spending too much time here with you.  That’s why I was late and that’s why I
have to stay away for awhile.”  He pauses.  “And now, after what you’ve told
me, I need to be here,” he growls.

“No, no
you don’t.  I mean, yes, you do.  But you don’t have anything to worry about,”
I say trying to reassure him.  “I don’t want Garrett to get angrier with you;
what if he decides you can’t visit me ever again?”

James
sighs in frustration.  “I don’t think he would do that.”

“Can
you be sure?”

He
shakes his head no.

I lean
forward to hold my forehead against his and whisper, “I don’t want to take that
risk.”

After a
moment, James asks me quietly, “What were you thinking today, with Dane?”

I lift
my head, so I can see his face.  “All I could think about was you,” I tell him
honestly.  “I hate that you question yourself all the time.  What can I do to
make you realize you’re enough for me?  I analyzed every one of my actions
today, everything I said, because I want to prove myself to you.  Prove that
you’re wrong to feel threatened.”

“Emma,
you are blind.  How can I not feel threatened?  There is so much I can’t do.”

“There
is so much you
can
do,” I say.  “More than I ever thought possible. 
What have I ever done to make you think I would bail on our relationship so
easily?”

James
sits and reaches for me.  I rise up to face him, and he holds my hands in his. 
He stares at our laced fingers for a few moments, as if deciding something, and
then looks at me intently.  “I know with my entire being that, right now, you love
me.  I’ve never doubted it.  What I doubt are the intentions of others and my
ability to make you happy.  Those are my issues to work through, not yours.” 
He sighs.  “I promise to be better.  Please don’t walk around on eggshells for
me.  The last thing I want to do is stress you out or push you away.”

“You’ll
never be able to push me away,” I say softly.

“I’m
trying too hard to control things,” he says.  “That’s why Guardians can’t be in
love with their Wards.  Do you see how that would be a problem?  This is one
thing I have to work on.  Guidance, not control.”

“Is
Garrett making you practice on me?”

“No,
but he sees my behavior.  Hence my, um, visit suspension.”

I don’t
want to think about that.  I frown.  “How long will you be kept from visiting
me?”

“I
don’t know.”

“Will
you be able to speak to me?  To watch me?”

“All my
time with you is now limited.  That’s why I didn’t see you today with…him.”

“Oh.”

James
moves to lie down and I follow suit.  He wraps himself around me, our arms and
legs intertwined.  “Don’t forget about me while I’m away,” he whispers in my
ear.

“Never.”

We lay
in silence as the realization that we are going to be separated again sinks
in.  My heart feels like it’s in a vise and starts to beat erratically.  James
raises his head to look at me, concerned.  “Are you okay?  I can hear your
heart.”

“No,” I
rasp.  “I need you.”

“And I
you,” he says sadly.  “Just remember that every second I’m allowed to be near
you, I will be.”

I nod
because my voice is stuck in my throat.

“It
won’t be like before,” James tries to comfort me.  “I’m not gone for good.”

I nod
again, still trying not to hyperventilate.  I don’t know why this is hitting me
so hard so suddenly.  I try to concentrate on bringing my breathing under
control.

James
leans forward and kisses me.  It distracts me from my sudden panic attack.  His
kiss is urgent.  I know this because I can feel him move against me; his mouth
is the coldest I’ve ever felt.  I open my eyes to physically see him and it’s
as if he’s himself again, his whole self.  My memory takes over as I remember
what it was like to kiss him before his death.  I hold on to that memory as I
close my eyes again and it’s as if nothing has changed from that time; he is
whole.

My
memory allows me to see him, through closed eyes, and I reach up and grab his
shoulder to pull him closer to me.  I feel his cold, freezing touch at my hip. 
It travels to my waist and around my lower back, as if he is trying to press me
closer to him.  I shift my body forward to comply, since he cannot physically
move me.  His chilled mouth leaves mine and finds my neck, spending time there. 
Eventually his mouth grazes my ear and then is back on mine, hungry.

Gradually
I feel his touch begin to warm around me.  As he grows warmer, it’s almost like
his body is transforming into his former self; I swear I can feel his weight on
me.  I gasp and open my eyes to see if what I’m feeling is real.

James
stops kissing me and looks into my eyes.  I’m shocked to see he is not becoming
whole; he is becoming transparent and fading away.

“Don’t,”
I beg and try to hold on to him.

James
looks at me longingly as he becomes nearly invisible.  “I love you,” he tells
me.  “Don’t forget.”

“I
won’t.  I can’t.”

He
vanishes before my eyes.

I
lay there for a moment, stunned, at what I’ve just seen.  I slowly wrap my arms
around myself and then curl up on my side.  My eyes and throat burn with trapped
emotion, but no tears come, there is no release.  My sorrow is trapped inside
me.

Inevitably,
morning comes.  I have not changed position; I have not slept.  My alarm goes
off, making me aware of the time.  I don’t want to move; I don’t want to leave
my bed.  Spending the day distracted and stumbling my way through work doesn’t
sound very enticing.  I’m certain my irritability will carry over into my
training with Dane again today.  I don’t feel up to making excuses as to why
I’m being so difficult to work with.  I just want to lie here and think about
James.

My
alarm continues to sound, irritating me further.  My muscles protest as I try
to sit up.  I roll on to my back, stretching my arms above my head and my feet
in the opposite direction.  I feel a sharp pinch in the side of my neck that
radiates down my shoulder and through my shoulder blade.

“Argh!”
I wince and tense up, realizing I pinched a nerve.  Damn it!  I focus on
relaxing so that the pain will subside.  After a few minutes the throbbing
calms, but it still hurts.  I manage to roll over slowly and shut off my
annoying alarm.  I stare at my bedroom ceiling, thinking about James in between
the distracting throbs in my neck, until my bladder decides it’s necessary that
I get up.

In the
bathroom, I run a hotter-than-normal shower in order to soothe my aching
muscles and aching heart.  The promise of seeing James is what has been
carrying me through my days.  It has put a smile back on my face.  I know he is
not gone forever, that this situation is beyond our control.  It’s the
uncertainty of when he will be allowed to return that has made me so sad.  I
can’t help shake the feeling that I’m to blame for his restriction; if I didn’t
need him around so badly, he would have spent more time on his training than
with me and be farther along than he is.  But, that would only assign him a
Ward sooner rather than later, which will restrict our time together
indefinitely.  I let out a heavy sigh.  Around and around we go.  This is what
we’re going to have to deal with for the rest of our lives…er, my life. 
Reconciling our time together with the roles we’ve both chosen.  He chose to be
a Guardian.  I choose to stand by him until I can release him.  It sounds so
simple except for my selfish need to have him all to myself all of the time. 
I’m going to have to get over that somehow.

I step
into the steamy shower and stand motionless as the water beats down on my
body.  Thoughts of James roll around in my head.  He doesn’t blame me.  I blame
me.  James loves me and I love him.  He will come back to me.  I visualize my
feelings of sadness and guilt being carried away by the water as it runs down
the shower drain.  Goodbye blame.  Goodbye guilt.  Goodbye sadness.

Goodbye
hot water.

Yikes! 
The water has instantly turned freezing.  I fumble to turn off the faucet. 
Shaking from the chill, I yank the curtain aside and reach for my towel.  Could
this day get any worse?  I didn’t even get a chance to wash my hair!  I open
the door and peek into the hall.

“Hello? 
Why is there no hot water?” I yell down the stairway.

  “Let me
check!”  My father hollers up to me.

I wait
impatiently as I hear him tromp down the basement stairs.  Minutes pass and my
hope of finishing my relaxing hot shower fades.  Finally, I hear his heavy
footsteps come back up the steps.

“Water
heater pilot went out!” he yells up to me.  “I re-lit it, but it’s going to
take about an hour to heat up the tank!”

My
pinched nerve throbs and icy tendrils of water drip down my back from my wet
yet unwashed hair.  My body shakes convulsively.

That’s
it.  I give up.  I’m calling in sick today.