Grounds to Believe (21 page)

But half could be right. More than half.

Impossible.

She bent to look for a book on poisons. Why was she doing this? What sick, unexplainable urge was making her look for ways to prove her sister was a criminal?
Because then you can prove Ross was right,
the voice in her head whispered.
And if he’s right, then maybe loving him isn’t wrong.

She was pitiful. She didn’t love him. She couldn’t love a man who lied to her.

Keeping Your Children Safe: A Guide to Household Poisons.

Why did Rebecca stock this stuff? This was not what she called wholesome reading. Julia pulled it off the shelf and flipped to
I.
Well. Rubbing alcohol. Easy to get and reasonable to have in the house. She ran a trembling finger down the list of symptoms. “Nausea, vomiting, hematemesis
(what was that?),
hemorrhagic gastritis, excessive sweating leading to coma.”

Vomiting. Hemorrhagic gastritis. Did that mean bleeding in the stomach? No, that wasn’t right. Madeleine had said he had an infection in his GI tract. That wasn’t the same, was it? Ryan had been sweating, too, but that was normal if a kid had a fever. Wasn’t it?

The front door bell tinkled and she heard Rebecca’s voice. “Hello, dear. How are you? Yes, she’s in the back.”

Julia braced herself. She didn’t want to talk to anyone. Maybe she could grab Kailey quietly and make it outside—

“Julia?” Derrick stopped in the doorway and brushed his hair off his forehead with a nervous hand. She blinked in surprise. She hadn’t seen him since last week in prayer meeting. She’d almost forgotten they lived in the same town.

“Hello.” She got to her feet and smiled. “I don’t suppose you’re looking for a book.”

“No, I was looking for you.” He crossed the room and stood awkwardly in front of her. His mouth moved, as if he were trying to choose words. Finally, he reached down and took her hand. “Julia, I’ve got to know something.”

Here it was. Her heart began thumping in her chest and she took a deep breath to try to calm it. “What?”

“I haven’t seen you in days. You didn’t come to the young people’s meeting, or to Gathering yesterday. You ignored me at prayer meeting. I’m sorry I was short with you last week. I want to make it up. Please tell me what I’ve done wrong.”

She squeezed his hand, then dropped it, wrapping both arms around herself instead. Cold. What was wrong with her? “You’ve done nothing wrong. I just need some time by myself to think.”

“Have you been with him?” She turned away and didn’t answer. “I’ve got to know,” he repeated desperately. “Because they’ve—Melchizedek—has sent me to bring you over to the Blanchards’. They want you to answer to the Testimony of Two Men.”

J
ulia’s breath went out of her in a rush, and she fumbled for a reading chair. “The Testimony of Two Men? You mean they’re going to Silence me?”

She couldn’t go through with this. No one had been Silenced in Hamilton Falls since Rita Ulstad, seven years ago. She couldn’t put the Elder’s family through this shame. But she had no choice. Not if they’d sent Derrick over to get her.

“I don’t know yet. All I know is that they’re waiting for us at the Blanchards’.” Derrick’s face twisted in pain. “Julia, if you have been with him like they’re saying, tell me now. Don’t let me find out in front of the Shepherd.”

She might as well. She had nothing left to lose. Her future with Derrick was canceled as surely as if one of them had died. She got up and put her arms around him, the same way she would comfort one of the kids.

“If they’re saying I was out of town with him overnight, then that’s true,” she confessed quietly into his shoulder.
The quiver that ran through his body forced tears into her eyes. “But nothing else. Not that it matters. I’m sorry, Derrick. So sorry. I’ve ruined your future, too.”

A gasp as he struggled to control his emotions was his only reply. He hugged her fiercely and cleared his throat. “Come on. They’re waiting.”

She followed him past the cash register. Rebecca looked up with a world of sadness in her eyes. “You go on,” she said quietly. “I’ll close up shop and take our little guest home. Don’t you worry about us.”

Bless Rebecca. She was the only person Julia could trust, like a rock in a stormy ocean.

Owen met them at his front door, and motioned them into the living room. Four of the dining-room chairs had been set up in the middle, facing one. Julia hesitated.

“Sit here, please, Julia.” Melchizedek held the back of the single chair. She sat. Owen, Melchizedek, her father and Derrick all took their places, unable to meet her eyes. Her heart squeezed with sorrow for Owen. He looked as though one more blow to his family would kill him. She couldn’t look at her dad. The pain in his face hurt too much.

Melchizedek opened the Bible on his lap and cleared his throat. “The words of Jesus, from the eighth chapter of John’s gospel: ‘And yet if I judge, my judgment is true: for I am not alone, but I and the Father that sent me. It is also written in your law, that the testimony of two men is true.’” He looked up.

Julia sat, frozen and isolated in her chair. Her hands clasped one another in a death grip, and her knees and
ankle bones vibrated against each other with the force of her trembling.

“Julia, do you know why you are called here today?”

“No,” she whispered, and her throat closed up.

“We understand that you have been spending more time in the company of a worldly man, unchaperoned, than could be accounted for by simple mission visits. Is this true?”

Julia opened her mouth, but sound refused to come out.

Melchizedek went on, “That, in fact, you did not go to a recent meeting of godly young people, but instead spent the night at an unknown location with Ross Malcolm, whom all of us know as a potential convert to the Elect.” He spoke slowly, reluctantly. “You were seen in the town of Pitchford at a worldly event. His motorcycle has been seen in Rebecca’s driveway at all hours. And lastly, you’ve been seen touching him in public places. This is going to have severely damaging consequences to his conversion if he is led to believe that your behavior is normal among us. Is it true, Julia?” His eyes begged her to say no.

“Yes,” she got out.

Owen bowed his head and sighed. Melchizedek flipped to a different place in his Bible.

“Paul’s first letter to the Corinthians, chapter five: ‘But now I have written unto you not to keep company, if any man that is called a brother be a fornicator, or covetous, or an idolater, or a railer, or a drunkard, or an extortioner; with such an one no not to eat.

“‘For what have I to do to judge them also that are without? Do not ye judge them that are within?

“‘But them that are without God judgeth. Therefore put away from among yourselves that wicked person.’ Julia, the words of God are clear on this point. You have admitted to ungodly behavior with this man, unbecoming to a woman of the Elect. You have worn color, signifying your unwillingness to sacrifice your human nature. You have worn men’s clothing, in direct disobedience to Scripture. Did you also commit physical acts with him?”

The remains of those beautiful hours with Ross fell under the trampling, vengeful feet of the army of God. “Yes,” she said, her voice still soundless, the word a whisper.

Derrick closed his eyes in pain and turned his face aside.

“What physical acts?”

“We kissed.”

“Did you commit fornication with him?”

“No.”

“Can you prove that?”

“No.”

“Did you desire it?”

“Yes.”

His voice assumed the thunder of the law and the prophets. “I’ve called together the three men who are closest to you, who love you most. You may choose two of them. They will decide on the consequences of your actions. Do you understand?”

How could people who loved her do this to her? Was this really Melchizedek, the man who had taught her “Chop
sticks” on the piano when she was six? And what would they do to Rebecca when they found out Ross and Kailey were staying there? Cold shivered over her skin. “Yes.”

“There are three ways that judgment will fall. In the first, you will be put away entirely. You will be asked to move out of the Quinn house, and you will not be allowed to Gather with the Elect of God anymore. If this is your judgment, Rebecca will be asked to reconsider you as an employee. I’m sure you can see how painful it would be for both of you.”

Julia struggled for breath. “Yes.”

“In the second, you will be Silenced. This means you will not be able to participate in a service for a period of seven years. The Elect of God will not be encouraged to speak to you, even though you will still be numbered among us.”

She may as well be dead—or a ghost, Julia thought. Seven endless years of drifting among the people she loved, disembodied and voiceless. No wonder Rita Ulstad had cracked and abandoned the Elect forever.

“The third judgment,” Melchizedek went on, “comes in the event of a nonunanimous vote. The two votes must be unanimous. If they are not, no punishment can be given. You may now choose the Two Men who will decide your case. Who will you have, Julia?”

Melchizedek leaned toward her in his chair, his elbows on his knees. It was obvious he’d had a little experience at this, and expected to be one of the two. Her father had never stood up to a Shepherd in his life. He couldn’t even stand up to her mother.

“I choose Owen and Derrick,” she said.

Owen swallowed. Derrick turned white.

You wanted to marry me once, Julia thought. I hope that colors your decision now. No one here is going to stand up for me. I can’t even speak for myself. No one wants to hear my reasons. No one cares about anything except the facade they show to the Outside.

“Owen and Derrick,” Melchizedek confirmed, sitting back. “Owen, what is your decision?”

“I—I hardly know what to say. This is all so shocking I—” He paused to collect himself. “I vote for Silence,” he said bluntly. “Although since this concerns Derrick the most, I believe his vote should have the most weight.”

Julia fought down the urge to scream, This doesn’t concern Derrick at all. This is about me. My life. And I have no say whatever here.

“Derrick?” Melchizedek prodded.

Derrick looked from Melchizedek to Julia, a hurt, hunted expression in his eyes. He held her gaze. “A couple of weeks ago this group proposed I should be Deacon,” he said slowly. “Long before that, I had asked Julia to be my wife. If she is put away, neither of those things will happen. If she is Silenced, they will be delayed for seven years, since we can’t live together as husband and wife under those circumstances.” He paused, his gaze never leaving Julia’s. “I vote for neither judgment, if Julia agrees here and now to marry me.”

Julia closed her eyes as her very blood chilled, leaving her as cold as death.

Melchizedek leaped to his feet. “That’s too great a sacrifice!” he exclaimed.

Derrick stood as well. “I don’t believe it is. As I see it, two things will happen. The first is that no scandal will touch the Elect. The second is, no scandal will touch us personally. No one will dare to say a word about it once she’s my wife. No one in Hamilton Falls outside ourselves even needs to know. And I’m sure Rebecca will be able to see the wisdom of it.”

Julia tried to swallow as she felt the jaws of the future closing around her. No hope—no escape—no love—

Melchizedek regarded Derrick solemnly. “You realize what you’re saying? She’s no longer pure. She committed physical acts with another man and desired to fornicate with him.”

Julia flinched. So did Derrick. “I realize that. But I’m willing to marry her in spite of it. If she’ll have me.”

“Julia? What is your decision?” Melchizedek asked.

Alarm bells sounded in her head. Time’s up, she thought from somewhere far away.

Owen jerked upright. “That’s the phone.” He came half out of his chair. “Julia, what is your answer?”

What was left to say? No matter what she chose, she would lose something precious—either the love of her family and friends, or the possibility of real love, not the wounded substitute Derrick offered.

Her nightmare had come to life. The terrible weight bore down on her.

Into the expectant silence, a tinny voice emanated from the answering machine. “Owen, this is Michael Archer.
You’re not home. This is terrible. Owen, you’ve got to get down to the hospital as quickly as you can. Ryan’s condition is deteriorating. He’s in a coma. Oh, God—”

The machine clicked and rewound as Michael hung up in midprayer.

Owen was already clattering down the stairs. Julia jumped to her feet and knocked her own chair over. “Owen, wait for me!”

“Julia, come back here!” Melchizedek ordered. “We’re waiting for your answer!”

“I have to be with my family!” she shouted up the stairwell, defying the Shepherd to his face for the first time in her life, and slammed the door behind her.

She doubted that Owen had even registered he had someone in the passenger seat as they tore down the highway toward the hospital. It didn’t matter. She needed time to think.

His condition is going to go downhill fast
, Ross had said.
When that happens, you’ll know I’m right
. It couldn’t be true. It couldn’t. This was just a horrible coincidence, the result of poor Ryan’s fragility. She tried not to think about what the book had said. Coma. She didn’t want Ross to be right. Because if he was, then her carefully constructed world of right and wrong was going to come tumbling down. And she wasn’t sure she could stand losing anything more.

Michael met them at the door of the ward. “Julia, I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to wait outside for now. Owen and Madeleine are the only ones I can allow in. I’ll be back in a moment, all right?”

She nodded and sank onto the familiar vinyl couch while the swinging doors closed behind the two men. Resting her elbows on her knees, she awkwardly massaged the back of her neck with both hands.

“Here, let me do that.” Two strong hands descended on her shoulders and began to knead her tense muscles. She gasped and jumped, whirling to look up at him. The impact hit her the way it always did. He was so beautiful, standing there in his jeans and white T-shirt, giving her that lazy smile. His eyes were guarded, though. Guarded and unreadable.

“Hey,” he said gently, holding up both hands like a surgeon after scrubbing, “your muscles will never relax if you do that.”

“Go away.” Crossing her arms, she hunched over as if protecting herself, her back to him.

“No.” He gripped her shoulders again, and his fingers felt so good, massaging the pain out of her neck, that her will to resist began to melt away at the same rate as the tension. The circular motion between her shoulder blades stopped, then began again. “Ready to talk?”

She had to let go of one world and leave it behind. Once again she was at the point where her next words would decide the rest of her life. What could she look forward to with the Elect? Love and approval? Sure, if she wanted to pay the price of a loveless marriage. What could she look forward to on the Outside? Ross’s approval, maybe. Certainly not his love. Her own family would be lost to her. Could she live the rest of her life alone with that knowledge?

Maybe she should stop looking at it in terms of the love on each side of the scale. She’d taught herself to look for love from the community because she didn’t find it in her family. But as soon as she was Silenced, what kind of love could she look for from anyone?

What she needed to do was to put this in God’s hands. Really trust, instead of using Him as an insurance policy when all else failed. Because with Him she wasn’t completely powerless. With Him, she could still give love. To Ryan. And for a short time, to Kailey.

“Yes,” she said.

He stopped massaging and came around the side of the couch to lower himself beside her. “You sure?”

“You said he would go into a coma. Now he has.”

“And you’re willing to help me?”

“I don’t know what I can do. She’s my sister.” Julia’s lip began to tremble, and she willed the tears away. He made a movement as if to slide a little closer, then stopped himself. Her heart cracked. She craved his arms around her the way an addict must crave his drug. But thinking there was safety in his arms was just a fiction. Their whole relationship was based upon a fiction.

“As soon as Archer comes back, we’ll talk about it,” he said.

She lifted her head. “Michael knows?”

Ross nodded grimly. “He does now. I got a fast analysis on Ryan’s blood. They did what they call a coma panel and it’s definitely isopropyl alcohol.”

“I read about the symptoms.” Her voice was lifeless.

“Did you?” He gave her an appraising look. “So did I. Do they fit with what you remember from his history?”

She nodded, staring at her hands knotted in her lap. “I didn’t want to believe it. I refused to. But everything was there, in a list in a book. What does Michael say?”