Grotesque (66 page)

That’s when I saw another man sitting in the corner by the sliding door that partitioned off the rooms. When he realized that I was looking at him, the man raised his sparse eyebrows, but his expression hardly changed at all. He was wearing a gray warm-up suit and glasses.

“That’s Chen-yi. He’s got a parttime job at a pachinko parlor in Shinkoiwa.”

“What do you do, Dragon?” I asked.

“Oh, a little of this and a little of that. Not something you can easily sum up in one word.”

Dragon was not very forthcoming. From the way he answered, I could surmise that he was involved in some kind of suspicious activity. Dragon stared at me fixedly, shifting his eyes only to exchange glances with Chen-yi.

“Who is it you want me to do? You with your measly two thousand yen.”

Standing defiantly with my hands on my hips, feet planted firmly on the tatami matting, I got down to business. It was nice being in the warm apartment, but I wanted to find out who I was doing and where we were supposed to do it. Though apparently it wasn’t going to be that easy.

“Well, who do you want to do first, Dragon or Chen-yi?”

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“Wait a minute. I’m not doing two for two thousand yen. That’s outrageous.”

“You said yes.” Zhang grabbed me by the arms. “You never asked how many, did you. So I figured you understood. You can’t go now, you’ll go back on your word.”

With little choice, I pointed at Chen-yi. Young and seemingly reticent, Chen-yi was far preferable to the spooky-looking Dragon.

“No way!” Dragon interrupted. “We go according to age. That’s the Chinese custom. Zhang is first.”

“I just did him. He doesn’t need a turn,” I shouted. Zhang laughed caustically and barked some kind of order to Dragon in Chinese. Zhang in turn said something to Chen-yi. I was getting angry.

“What are you talking about?”

“We’re just wondering if we’d rather do it one at a time or all at once.”

“You’re out of your mind!” I screamed. “It’s one by one or not at all.”

“But you said it yourself, didn’t you? You said you’d do anything. You were pretty cool about it, weren’t you? I think you’ll enjoy doing what we ask.”

Chen-yi stood up and came toward me, and Dragon made a be-myguest gesture. Then he said something to me in Chinese that I didn’t understand.

“Dragon says you’re too skinny—not much of a lay—but it’s been over half a year since he’s had a woman, so you’ll do.”

“That’s going too far!”

“Too far, is it?” Zhang laughed. “Ever since we came to your country that’s the kind of thing we hear. We’re constantly having our value appraised. ‘He’s bright’ or ‘he’s strong’ or ‘he’s shrewd’ or ‘he’s a hard worker.’ People evaluate us like they’d rate animals. Surely it’s the same for you. You’re in the business of selling your body, so you ought to be used to people sizing you up before they settle on a price. I bet you do what you do because you like it. Am I wrong?”

I was going to protest but Dragon began to tear at my coat. He knocked me down on the tatami. His violence caused my blue suit jacket to rise up around my chest; then Dragon started trying to push up my skirt. I was being accosted right there while Zhang and Chen-yi watched.

That was a first for me. I was trash, the cheapest prostitute a man could have. I squeezed my eyes tight.

“Look at me! It’ll turn you on!” Zhang shouted gleefully.

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I opened my eyes reluctantly and saw Zhang’s white socks and Chenyi’s bare feet.

The one named Dragon had not taken a bath in weeks. He reeked. It was all I could do not to throw up, just guiding him into place. Instinctively, I covered my nose with my hand. Dragon didn’t seem to notice or else he didn’t care. He was too busy flailing about on top of me. I squeezed my eyes shut, held my nose, and lay there as cold as a stone Jizo. That’s the way it always was. I never felt a thing. I would he there while a man stuck his thing in me and all I had to do was be patient. It wouldn’t take long.

And that was it. Sometimes I would put on a little act of my own. But there was no need for that here.

I knew Zhang and Chen-yi were right there watching, but by then I didn’t really care. If I hadn’t gotten excited, like Zhang said, then I would not be embarrassed or even angry about doing it in front of them. But to do two men for two thousand yen? I did the math in my head. There was clearly no profit in it, only loss. Then why did I agree? That’s when I remembered that I had come to Zhang’s apartment because I wanted to use his toilet. How could I have forgotten something like that? Had I become completely numb even to my own feelings? Or perhaps even more aware? I couldn’t decide and my thoughts became a jumble. I had enjoyed my time with Zhang up on the roof. That was the first time I had felt such pleasure, and I wondered if it would happen again. Each time sex seemed the same, even though it was with different men. Sex certainly was strange. Ever since I ran into Yuriko, I’d felt uncertain, as if I were drifting around in a dream, and it felt good.

Dragon grabbed my shoulders roughly and let out a sharp groan.

Then he came. Without really thinking anything much at all, I gazed up at the ceiling, which was covered here and there with brown stains. On the roof, right above where we were now, was where I’d had sex earlier with Zhang. I recalled throwing the condom and watching the semen leaking out over the roof. Perhaps it had seeped down into the ceiling here. Perhaps it was what had made those stains.

From time to time I find myself amused by the paucity of semen a customer will spew out after all that panting and moaning. And it’s for a puny product like that that a man will buy a prostitute like me? My 4 1 8

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nighttime self always excels my daytime self. If it weren’t for my nighttime self, what would become of my customers and their lame products?

Tonight, for the first time I experienced joy that I was not born a man.

Why? Because I thought men’s desires trivial. And because I had become the entity that acknowledged those desires.

I felt I could finally understand Yuriko’s freaky calm. Ever since Yuriko had been a little girl, she brought the world to her feet by using her sexuality. In her treatment of male desires of all kinds, she had built a world entirely out of men—even if only for the briefest of moments. It made me bitter. She didn’t have to study; she didn’t even have to work.

She was able to bring the world to her feet by one method and one alone—because she was able to make men ejaculate. Now I would do the same. For a brief second I was drunk with the feeling of mastery.

I heard an exchange in Chinese and opened my eyes. Zhang and Chen-yi were sitting down by Dragon and me. They were staring right at me. Chen-yi, who didn’t look like he was older than his mid-twenties, was blushing and pressing his hands between his legs. Did you feel it? I wanted to ask. How’d you like it? I gazed over at Chen-yi from where I was on the floor. Chen-yi averted his eyes from my face as if he were angry and turned away.

“Chen-yi’s next.” Zhang gave Chen-yi a nudge.

Chen-yi looked reluctant to have sex in front of an audience and glared sulkily at Zhang as if in protest. But Zhang would have none of it.

For a mere two thousand yen he had taken me and Dragon and Chen-yi and had us bending to his will. I could see I had not yet come to terms with Zhang’s world. I was going to have to conquer Zhang. I raised my arms and wrapped them around Zhang’s knees.

“You next.”

But he just brushed me aside and pushed Chen-yi over to me.

“Go on. Hurry up.”

Chen-yi reluctantly began removing his track suit. When Dragon saw Chen-yi’s erect penis, Dragon said something. I pulled a condom out of my bag and handed it to Chen-yi. Unaccustomed to them, Chen-yi was awkward, but he managed to put it on; then he took off his glasses and set them beside him on the tatami. What a jerk. Dragon snatched up the glasses and put them on, like a fool. The condescension and bitterness had faded from Dragon’s expression and I noticed that he looked relaxed and gentler. I expect my expression was similar.

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Chen-yi embraced me, and then he started planting sloppy kisses on my face, which completely took me by surprise. Zhang had done the same thing. I opened my eyes and looked up to see Zhang staring down at me. My customers never kissed me. We just fucked. That was true even of my regulars like Yoshizaki and Arai. None of them kissed me, and none of them wanted to. Zhang urged me on with his eyes. I remembered having my first orgasm with him on the roof. If I could have more, I could master my own world. I wrapped my arms around Chen-yi’s back and began to kiss him back, writhing together with him as if our bodies were one. I felt Zhang’s hand on my left thigh, rubbing. His hand was warm. Dragon followed suit, touching my right thigh. I was being teased and touched and fondled by three men. I couldn’t have asked for more.

I was a queen! God it was great. At that moment Chen-yi and I both came; for me, it was the second orgasm of my fife.

Zhang put his hand on my head, brought his lips down to my ear, and whispered, his voice rough with excitement, “Did it feel good?”

I sat up and retrieved my wig, which had found its way to the other side of the room. Chen-yi looked back at me shyly, then quickly got dressed. Dragon sat there staring at my body while he smoked a cigarette.

I put my wig back on and anchored it with a pin, then I started getting dressed.

“Let me use the bathroom.”

Zhang pointed to a set of veneer doors by the entryway. I was dizzy when I stood up. I guess that’s to be expected. I mean, that was the first time that I’d serviced three men one after the other like that. So many firsts in one day had worn me out, and I staggered to the bathroom door.

It was filthy. The floor was wet with urine. Why do men have to be such pigs? It made me retch. The toilet, the trash on the stairs, the gunk in the seam of the tatami—they were all the same. I guess that’s why I began to feel a new sensation welling up inside me, a feeling of wretchedness I couldn’t shake. Fighting back the tears, I finished my business as quickly as I could.

“Want to do me again?” Zhang asked, as I came out of the bathroom.

I shook my head. “No. Your toilet is so filthy I feel like I’m going to throw up.”

“Well, welcome to reality.”

Was this reality, a place like this? Then what were the orgasms I’d 4 2 0

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had? And that momentary taste of control? The feelings I had earlier welled up again. But why? Welcome to reality. That’s precisely why I wanted to live forever in the dream where I get to rule the world.

“I’m going.”

I put myself back together and glanced back into the room as I slipped into my high heels. Not one of the men looked at me as I left.

It was eleven-thirty when I got back to the Jizo statue. Yuriko would be coming around soon. I looked at my watch and I scanned the street for signs of her, but she didn’t turn up. Cold, tired, and irritated, I started to head for the station. And then I heard Yuriko calling to me from behind.

“Kazue, how’d it go tonight?”

She made her way slowly down the hill, dressed exactly like me: long jet-black hair, white face powder, blue eye shadow, and bright red lipstick.

I felt I was beholding my own ghost, and a cold shiver went up my spine. Rock-bottom whore. A woman who exists only for the benefit of a few lousy cc’s of sperm. Monster. I deflected the question.

“What about you?”

Yuriko held up one finger. “One. A sixty-eight-year-old man. He said he saw a sex flick at the Bunkamura and got a hard-on. It made him want to go out and buy a woman—the first for him in ten years, he said. Kind of cute, don’t you think?”

“How much did you get?”

Yuriko resorted to hand gestures again, this time holding out four fingers.

¥40,000? I felt a rush of envy.

“Lucky you!”

“Hey, it was only four thousand yen!” Yuriko laughed as if she weren’t even referring to herself. “I’d never done a customer that cheap. But he said that was all he had, so I agreed. Can you believe it! When I was in my twenties I’d pull in three million, just in one night! And look at me now. Why is it that the older you get the less you can make? Even when you’re young and beautiful, the man is still after the same thing. I can’t figure why people make such a fuss over youth. You end up having sex the same way whether you’re young or old, don’t you?”

“So long as you’re not ugly, I don’t see why it matters if you’re old.”

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“That’s not what I mean.” Yuriko shook her head solemnly. “It has nothing to do with looks. All men care about is whether the woman is young.”

“I guess. Hey, I’m curious. How’d you turn out to be so ugly?”

My nasty comment didn’t so much as provoke a blush out of Yuriko.

“Hmmm. I guess it was just fate. I was never that aware of my looks anyway. It was always the people around me who made such a fuss. It’s a lot easier this way, though.”

Yuriko pulled a pack of cigarettes out of her shoulder bag and asked, “So what kind of customer did you have tonight, Kazue?”

“Three foreigners. They were Chinese. I got thirty thousand yen for each, so I came away making ninety thousand.”

I lied through my teeth. Yuriko exhaled a sigh of cigarette smoke.

“Ah, I’m so jealous. If you find good customers like that, you should introduce me.”

“No way.”

“I’m not jealous because you made some money. It’s because if those men are willing to pay that land of money to you, Kazue, they must be the type who like monsters. I mean, you’re ugly too. If some kid came across you in the dark, you can be sure he’d burst into tears. And you don’t have much of a future. You’re just going to keep falling lower and lower. You’re going to have to quit your job at the firm before long because no one’s going to be able to bear looking at you.”

Yuriko’s eyes glittered. I may have been a rock-bottom whore but the thought of slipping even lower frightened me. According to Yuriko’s prophecy, at some point a monster-loving man would appear and kill me.