Grinder (Seattle Sharks Book 1) (15 page)

“Gage?” I stood too, folding my arms around myself.

“Time doesn’t matter. It’s not going to happen.”

I huffed. “Why are you so stubborn? Why can’t you even entertain that in a few years, after we’ve had time to realize we’re not going to leave each other that you might, someday want a family with me?”

“You want more than what we already have.” It was a statement, not a question.

Seriously? Wasn’t that the natural progression of a relationship? To evolve? I swallowed back my instinctual retort and tried to leash my temper. The thing about loving a damaged man was that I had to repair the wounds she’d left. “Someday. You know how badly I’ve always wanted to be a mom. And I never knew how badly until I fell in love with you.”

He flinched. “What about your art? The gallery you want someday.”

“I can’t do both? Don’t you play in the NHL
and
take care of your daughter?” My blood ran hot in my veins, the turn the conversation had taken was way past ridiculous and right on the anger track. How could he not even think about the idea? How could he hold me like he had, love me like he does, and not even entertain the idea?

“Bailey—”

A cold fist squeezed my heart and tears pooled in my eyes. “It’s me. You can’t see yourself having a baby with
me
,” I said, my voice cracking. Oh God, this was temporary. I was replaceable. This was just something he wanted to do because it was convenient. Bile rose in my throat and I placed a palm on my chest like I could hold my heart together.

“Don’t, Bailey,” he said, crossing the distance between us. His arms encased me, but I pushed him away.

“No. You said you loved me. Did you mean you love me being here, taking care of your daughter, and you—in all the ways you need? Am I a convenience?”

He broke through my defenses, gently clutching my shoulders and making me look him in the eye. “How could you think that of me? How can you not see the insanely deep way I love you? You think I don’t want to claim you in every way possible? Put my brand on you so every other man in the world knows who you belong to? I’d put a ring on your finger right now if I thought it would make you happy.”

“If that’s true then how can you not even think about---“

“I had a vasectomy!” He dropped his hands and took a step back, the cold from his words filling every inch of me.

Flashes of the baby I’d let grow in my mind—Gage’s baby—coated over with ice before shattering inside my heart. My dreams of being a mother, of carrying a life inside me, and bringing it into the world splintered off until it was sucked into a dark vacuum where dreams went to die. I clutched my stomach, fearing I would lose what little food I’d eaten earlier. My heart raced, but I took a deep steadying breath, the logical side of my brain kicking in.

“It’s not permanent. It can be reversed, hell, I’ve heard they grow back all the time.” It happened, right? It had to. I clung on to the small sliver of hope, because without it, I felt like I’d just lost the love of my life and a baby we hadn’t even made yet. “Would you do that for me? Or just consider it in the future?”

Gage raked his fingers through his hair. He shook his head. “Aren’t Lettie and I enough?”

I jolted like he’d physically pushed me even though he stood a foot away. “You know how much I love Lettie.” My voice came out a whisper like someone was choking my airwaves.

“But it’s not enough. Our family isn’t enough.”

My eyes turned to slits. “How dare you put that one me!”

He locked eyes with me, and I could see the pain in them, but I had a hard time seeing past the sheer amount of hurt crystallizing inside me, hardening me.

“This is something I’ve always wanted, Gage. And it’s not the first time I’ve considered carrying your child…even before you ever touched me. And now…now you want to tell me that you won’t even consider it because of a choice you made after Lettie was born?” I shook my head. “It’d be like me asking you to give up hockey…times twenty.”

“Do you want me to do that? Do you need me to prove myself?”

“
I
would never ask you do that, Gage. Hockey—and that little girl—are your life.” I swiped at a stray tear that had fallen down my cheek. “I just wanted to really be a part of it.” I turned on my heels, walking through the kitchen toward the door.

“Bailey, don’t go.”

The ache in his voice split another fissure in my chest and I glanced over my shoulder.

“I’ll be back in the morning to do the job you’ve paid me to do.” The words tasted bitter coming out of my mouth but I was just so damned
hurt.
He’d forced a choice on me I didn’t know existed, and I couldn’t think straight with the anger, loss, and pain swarming my brain. “I just can’t be around you right now. If Lettie wakes up for some reason, and
she
needs me, I’ll be at Paige’s.” I didn’t give him the chance to say another word but made sure to shut the door as quietly as possible behind me. As mad as I was at him, as hurt as I was, there would be no slamming—I would not wake Lettie up to a fight she wouldn’t understand—not between the two people she counted on for everything in the world.

The notion hit me hard as I drove to Paige’s, knowing the lengths I’d go for her happiness, for Gage’s. My love for them ran deeper than anything I’d ever known, but I didn’t know if it was enough to let go of a dream I’d had for half my life.

The baby I’d pictured, the one made with all the best pieces of Gage and myself, cried in my mind, and my insides crippled knowing I’d never be able to soothe it.

M
y head slammed
into the glass, my helmet taking the impact before my shoulder followed suit.
Fuck that hurt.

“McPherson!” Coach yelled from the bench. “Pay attention!”

“What, old man? I play your position for one game and you’re ready to give it up?” The rookie asked with a snide little grin.

Bentley been kicking my ass at practice all week and I was all-too-eager to wipe it off his little face.

“That’s it for today, gentlemen. Hit the showers!” Coach yelled.

I silently seethed through my shower and dressing. Even Rory and Warren knew better than to talk to me. That didn’t mean that I didn’t get a healthy dose of side-eye, though.

Sure, I’d played like shit for about ninety-five percent of practice, but it was only because I had Bailey on the brain, and not in a good way. This had never happened to me before. No matter what shit I had going on behind the scenes with any woman, I’d always kept a clear head on the ice.

The three of us made it all the way out to the parking lot before Warren opened his mouth.

“Okay, what the fuck is eating you?” He asked.

“Nothing,” I responded, unlocking my doors with a press of the key fob.

“Well, nothing’s been playing like a junior pee-wee all week,” Rory responded.

I leaned back against the car. He was right, and unless I got my head on straight, I was going to lose my starting spot. “It’s Bailey. Nothing you guys would be interested in hearing about.”

“I’m interested,” Rory said. “Spill it.”

Warren nodded. “Agreed. Unless it has to do with weird sex positions she won’t try. I’m starting to see her as a sister, and that’s just TMI.”

“Nothing like that. Ever since we were kids, Bailey wanted to be a mom. She was always toting around a doll, mothering other kids on the playground, volunteering to babysit—you name it. She loves kids.”

Rory shrugged. “Okay. That sounds pretty accurate. What’s the big deal?”

“All she’s ever wanted is to have a family of her own.”

“Oh shit,” Warren said, leaning against his Rover which was parked next to mine.

“Yeah.”

“I’m not catching on, obviously, so clue me in,” Rory said.

“I had a vasectomy after Helen left.”

His jaw dropped. “You snipped the boys?”

I nodded. Warren knew because he’d been the person to pick me up, but it wasn’t something I’d exactly advertised. “Helen had just walked out, and Lettie was only two. I never saw myself finding a woman that I’d trust enough to stick around. I wanted to make sure that I wouldn’t condemn another kid to grow up in a broken home.”

“Bailey found out?” Warren asked.

“Yup. Shit went down last week.”

“Hence, why you’ve been sucking.” Rory connected the dots.

“Exactly. Even at the game against Colorado last week, I can’t get this shit out of my head.”

“Good thing we have a bye this weekend,” Warren said.

Tomorrow was Thanksgiving, and we had an unprecedented weekend off. Sometimes the scheduling Gods had mercy on us.

“Yeah, you can work this stuff out this weekend, come back swinging next week, and you’re safe for the game against Toronto.”

“This isn’t exactly the kind of stuff you figure out in a weekend. She wants a kid. Maybe not now, but eventually, and I can’t give her one.”

“Can’t or won’t?” Warren asked.

“What’s the difference right now?” I fired back.

“Easy. You could reverse it. Like you said, eventually, not now. You could give her this, it’s a matter of if you want to.”

I shook my head. “Not that simple. She’s already applied to art programs for gallery management. Sure, there’s a couple here in Seattle, but the rest aren’t. She’s going to leave. It’s an inevitability.”

“Well, she will for sure if you drive her away,” Rory said.

“True,” Warren added in. “Let me ask you this: are you against having another rug rat running around?”

I sputtered. “I...I don’t know. I shut that door when Helen walked out. And it’s not about having another baby, or caring for one. It’s about trust.”

“And you don’t trust Bailey,” Rory summarized.

“Of course I do!” I snapped. “She’s the only one I trust with Lettie. I’m in fucking love with her!”

“But you don’t trust her enough to tell her that you’ll think about having a family with her, knowing that it’s a deal-breaker, that this is the one thing she’s going to need from a marriage,” Warren said softly as the rookie walked by.

“What are you looking at?” Rory quipped.

“From here it looks like an episode of the View. Which one of you is Whoopi?” he asked with a smirk.

“Fuck off and let me know when your balls drop.” I added a finger gesture for emphasis.

“Look, maybe she has a point,” Rory said after the rookie walked by.

“What point? Relationships are about compromise. I get that. I will give her just about anything if she only gives me this one thing.”

“But it’s not just one thing,” Warren countered. “It’s her everything. What you’re basically saying, is hey, I love you and I care about your needs...just not this one. You’re saying that your fears are more important than her dreams.”

I blinked.

“Maybe just get through Thanksgiving tomorrow, and really figure out what the hell you want. Decide if you’re going to be happy going back to hookups and only having one steady girl in your life.”

“Lettie,” I said.

“Right. And then you man up, or you let Bailey go.”

Love was a bitch.

* * *

“
T
urkey is done
,” I called out as I brought the bird in from the porch. There was nothing in the world quite like a deep-fried turkey. Juicy, flavorful, and toasty warm, which was pretty much the opposite of the ice Bailey had been throwing at me all day.

“Oh good,” Mom said as she finished mashing the potatoes. “It needs to rest, yes?”

“Absolutely,” I said, putting the turkey onto the massive cutting board before I glanced around. Bailey’s mom, Sarah, was in the living room keeping Lettie occupied, but I didn’t see Bailey. “Where’s Bailey?”

“I think she’s in her room freshening up,” Mom answered. “She’s been on her feet all day.”

“Right. Those smell great, Mom,” I said, kissing her on her cheek before I took off for Bailey’s room.

I knocked three times on her door.

“Come in,” she said.

I pushed the door open and found her sitting on her bed, staring out the bay window.

“Hey, what’s going on?”

“Nothing,” she forced a smile, slipping something into her nightstand and shutting the drawer. “Just doing some thinking. Is there something you need, boss?”

“Fuck, Bailey, can’t we just drop that today? It’s Thanksgiving.” I sat next to her on the bed, but she didn’t look at me.

She wore a gorgeous black dress that wrapped around her, and her hair was loose down her back. Everything about her was quintessentially Bailey, except her eyes were distant, and the dark circles under them told me she hadn’t been sleeping any better than I had lately.

“Bailey?” I took her cold hand in mine.

“What do you think is the point of falling in love?” she asked.

“What?” Okay, that one came out of left field. “Love...is so we have someone to spend our life with, I guess.”

“Right,” she said quietly like she’d been defeated. “And when you both love each other, but there’s just no way to make it work?”

Ice cold fear slid down my spine. “There’s a way for this to work. We love each other. We’ll find a way to compromise. It’s what couples do.”

She laughed, but it wasn’t funny. “What’s a compromise for this, Gage? Half a baby? There’s no winning this for me. You get hockey. You get Lettie. You get me. You get everything, and I’m told to let my dream go.”

“What do you want me to give up? I’ll give up anything you ask,” I said, a slight edge of desperation creeping into my tone. I needed time to think, and it sounded like she’d made up her mind.

“I don’t want you to give up anything,” she replied, finally turning to look at me, her eyes full of unshed tears. “Don’t you see that? I want to give you
everything
. And now... now I’m not sure it matters anymore.”

“What do you mean?” I asked, my muscles tensing.

“Nothing,” she said with a small shake of her head. “Maybe it’s just better this way.”

“What way? Bailey, you’re kind of scaring me.”

She blinked, and a soft warmth returned to her eyes as she cupped my face. “God, I love you. It’s been hell these last two weeks, trying to be professional, not to think about kissing you, touching you, loving you. The distance is killing me—not just from you, but from Lettie. It feels like my heart is being ripped apart.”

“So don’t be distant.” I leaned my forehead on hers. “Just give me time. We can find a way to work through this.”

She tilted her head and brought her lips to mine. My sigh of relief was deep as I gathered her to me, pulling her close. Our kiss was sweet for a moment, and then I split her lips with my tongue, sliding inside to the warm welcome I knew as home. Fuck, I’d missed this. Not just the physical act of kissing her, but feeling like every ounce of her attention was mine.

Our tongues rubbed, danced, dueled for dominance, and as she whimpered that sexy little sound she made I pushed her further. If she wouldn’t believe by my words that I loved her, that I wanted this to work, then my body would have to show her.

My hands tangled in the silk of her hair, tugging lightly so that her head leaned back, arching that graceful, gorgeous neck. I set my mouth to it, running my teeth lightly up the delicate column, and she gasped.

“Gage,” she moaned, her nails raking my scalp.

Knock. Knock. Knock.
“Gage? Bailey? You guys about ready to start?” Sarah asked.

Bailey jumped off the bed like her mother had actually walked in. “We’ll be right there, Mom!”

I held my head in my hands, trying to catch my breath and calm my body. “Bailey…”

“Let’s just go, okay?” she pled. “That...that was a momentary lapse in judgment.”

Well if that wasn’t like ice water to my dick.

“What? Then what the hell would you call our entire relationship?” I stood, holding her gaze.

She swallowed. “A fish’s attempt to love a bird.”

Bailey pushed past me and was out the door before I could come up with a retort. A fish and a bird. Two different worlds. God, we were already a family, didn’t she understand that? Why couldn’t we be enough?

We danced around each other, each on eggshells as we got dinner onto the table. Our mothers each shot looks in our direction, but both of us ignored them and continued on task. At least we were on the same page in that manner.

In the other...we were a whole book apart.

We all sat down at the circular table and held hands as Lettie made her way through the blessing in her sweet little voice. We dished the food, and I took extra mashed potatoes—when it came to those, I would always be about five years old.

“Well, this is lovely,” Mom said.

“It is. Thank you ladies, for cooking all day,” I said.

“Thanks for the turkey, Daddy!” Lettie called out, her mouth more than full.

“You’re welcome, Lettie-lou.” I smiled and held myself back from chiding her for talking with her mouth full. She was too damn cute.

“So, let’s just say what we’re both thinking,” Mom said to Sarah before turning to where Bailey and I sat separated by Lettie. “We’re so glad that you two are together! It just seems like such a long time coming, and we couldn’t be happier.”

Sarah reached for Mom’s hand and squeezed. “They’re perfect, right? And you and I are finally really family of a sort.” They laughed, neither of them noticing that neither Bailey nor I had said anything.

They were so high on the relationship cloud that they hadn’t noticed we were on shaky ground beneath them.

“Of course, we know the next year will be tough,” Sarah said, her eyes sympathetic as she turned to me.

“What?” I asked, bringing my fork back down to the plate as an ominous feeling settled in my gut.

“Mom,” Bailey hissed.

“What? I just mean that long distance relationships are tough. It doesn’t mean that you won’t thrive, but it’s going to be a challenge, of course.”

My eyes flickered between Bailey and Sarah.

“This isn’t dinner table conversation. It’s Thanksgiving. Let’s all say what we’re thankful for.”

“I’m thankful for turkey, and Maria!” Lettie chirped. “And my new fortress, and Daddy, and Bailey, and the new puppy I’m asking for Christmas!”

New puppy?
My eyes flew to my daughter. “Puppy?”

“I’ll settle for a bunny. They’re fluffy,” she said with a shrug.

I traveled too much for a pet. Jesus. Bailey wanted a baby. Lettie wanted a puppy. Didn’t anyone want something I could give them?

“Gage?” Sarah asked with a smile.

I looked past my daughter to where Bailey looked at the table. “I’m thankful for my family. For Lettie, and you, Bailey.”

Her eyes flew to mine but dropped again. Something was off, and I hated not knowing what it was. As soon as dinner was over I was going to get it out of her no matter what.