Gooney Bird and the Room Mother (2 page)

"My feet match," Felicia Ann whispered. "I have a feeling of ennui."

"Mine too," Tyrone said loudly. "My feet are the boringest ones in the whole room. I feel a whole lot of ennui. Can I switch one sock with Nicholas?" He sat on the floor and pulled off one white sock.

"Trade with me!" Barry Tuckerman called. He was
grabbing at Ben's left foot.

"Me!" Malcolm called loudly. "Someone switch with me!"

"My goodness, class!" Mrs. Pidgeon said. "Can we keep our voices down, please? Look how carefully Gooney Bird is coloring Squanto. We must all get busy on this mural!"

But the class wasn't listening. The children were examining their own feet and their classmates' feet. They were comparing socks and grabbing and yelling.

"You've lost them, Mrs. Pidgeon," Gooney Bird said with a sigh, "and it was my fault. I apologize. I'll try to make it up to you." She stood up. "
Class!
" she said.

Gooney Bird had a very loud voice when she wanted to use it.

"
CLASS!
" she said again.

The children looked up. They became quiet.

"Here is what we are going to do," Gooney Bird announced. "Arrange yourselves in a circle, please. Try not to step on the Muriel."

She reached out and took the hands of the children nearest to her, Tyrone on one side and Ben on the other. Tyrone reached for Chelsea. Ben took Beanie's hand. One by one the children arranged themselves in a circle around the mural.

Mrs. Pidgeon entered the circle by taking the hands of Nicholas and Chelsea and standing between them.

"Now," Gooney Bird announced, "at the count of three, we will each remove our left sock. One. Two."

"Oh, dear," Mrs. Pidgeon said, "I'm wearing pantyhose. I think I'd better drop out."

Gooney Bird nodded. "You be the supervisor," she suggested.

"Ready?" Gooney Bird said loudly. "
THREE.
Left socks off."

Every child, including Gooney Bird, removed a left sock.

"You'd better help Malcolm, Mrs. Pidgeon," Gooney Bird said. "Remember, he has that problem with left and right?"

Mrs. Pidegon nodded. She went to Malcolm and pointed out his left foot.

"Ready?" Gooney Bird said. "Everyone got that left sock off?"

The children nodded. They wiggled the toes on their bare left feet and waited for their instructions.

"At the count of three, pass your left sock to the person on your left. That will be the person beside your bare foot. Malcolm, Mrs. Pidgeon will help you. One. Two. Ready?
THREE.
"

Each child handed a sock to another child.

"I got a
girl
sock," Tyrone said. "I don't want no girl sock."

"A sock is a sock," Gooney Bird said. "Anyway," she added, "you happen to have Chelsea's sock, and Chelsea is one of the smartest girls in this class. Some of her smarts may still be in that sock and they may rub off on you, Tyrone. You've got a very lucky sock there.

"Now. You can all guess what comes next, on the count of three. You put on your new sock. One. Two.
THREE.
"

In a moment all the children were wearing unmatched socks. Even Gooney Bird's original pair of one red, one yellow, had become a pair of one red, one white with a blue stripe.

They all looked down and admired their feet.

"There is not a single pair of boring feet in this classroom now," Gooney Bird announced.

"Except mine," Mrs. Pidgeon said with a laugh.

"Except Mrs. Pidgeon's," Gooney Bird agreed. "Now, class, on the count of three..."

"Do we switch socks
again?
" Beanie asked.

"Nope. We get to work on this Muriel, because it needs to be done by the pageant. One. Two.

"
THREE.
"

Very shortly after the count of three, when all the children had picked up their crayons and gone to work, the intercom squealed and a deep voice spoke.

"This is your principal, John Leroy. Good morning."

"Good morning," the children said to the intercom.

"We should have done this last month," Mr. Leroy explained, "or even in September. But I got busy with the selection of crossing guards, and I had to deal with certain issues and problems of playground behavior, as you know..."

He paused. Malcolm looked up guiltily. Malcolm had been a playground behavior problem.

"...but now it is definitely time to select room mothers. We will need a room mother for each classroom. Teachers, please ask your students to inquire at home. If ... ah, just a minute..."

Through the intercom they could hear Muriel Holloway whispering to Mr. Leroy. Then he returned to the microphone.

"I have been reminded that last year we did have a room
father
in the third grade. Bailey Stevenson's father did an admirable job, his cupcakes were unusually fine, and we're sorry that he has found a job and is not available again this year. Well, we're not sorry that he found a job. That's not what I meant at all."

Mr. Leroy coughed and cleared his throat. "I meant that we will miss Mr. Stevenson's cupcakes. Now back to work, students. And teachers? By Friday I would like you to turn the names of the room mothers in to Muriel Holloway in the office.

"Have a good day."

The intercom squealed, buzzed, and turned silent. Carefully Gooney Bird began to color Squanto's second feather red, just beside the blue one.

Felicia Ann looked over at the one red, one blue feathers and smiled. "Like my socks," she pointed out in a whisper.

"My mother says absolutely not, no way, no how," Tyrone announced. "Not unless it pays minimum wage."

Mrs. Pidgeon laughed. "Afraid not," she said. "Room mother is a volunteer job. No pay."

She looked around the room. "Did everyone ask? What did your mothers say?"

Chelsea was scowling. "My mother said if I come home wearing Nicholas's stinky dirty sock again, she's going to call Mr. Leroy and complain. And no, she won't be room mother. She already did the bake sale and she's treasurer of the PTA. Enough is enough."

"My sock was
not
stinky dirty!" Nicholas bellowed.

"No, it wasn't," Mrs. Pidgeon said. "Those were just grass stains on your sock, Nicholas. Anyone else?" She looked around. "Keiko? Maybe your mom?"

Keiko shook her head. "My mother says she is very sorry but she has to work in our store. My father needs her there."

"Yes, of course he does," Mrs. Pidgeon said. "I've been in your family's store, Keiko. Your mother works very hard.

"You all have hard-working moms, I know," she said with a smile.

"Do you have a hard-working mom, Mrs. Pidgeon?" Beanie asked.

Mrs. Pidgeon's smile turned to a sad look. "Not anymore. My mother is very, very old. She lives in a nursing home. I visit her every Sunday afternoon at the Misty Valley Elderly Care Facility. I always take her a bouquet of flowers. She seems to like that."

She looked around. "Malcolm? Did you ask your mom?"

Malcolm made a face. "My mom has trip—"

"Oh my goodness, of course she does. How could I forget that? Someone who has brand-new triplet babies at home can't possibly do anything else, and we shouldn't even have asked."

"When I asked her, she screamed," Malcolm said.

"How
are
those babies, Malcolm? How are they doing?"

"Bad," Malcolm said. "They have diarrhea."

"My goodness. No wonder she screamed. Anyone else?" asked Mrs. Pidgeon. "Beanie?"

Beanie shook her head. "My mom takes me to swimming lessons on Monday afternoon, and ballet on Tuesday, and
horseback riding on Wednesday, and confirmation class on Thursday, and violin on Friday, and she says if I ask her to do one more thing..."

"I understand completely. Anyone else? Felicia Ann?"

Felicia Ann looked at the floor and shook her head.

"Barry?"

Barry said no.

"Nicholas?"

Nicholas was scowling. "My socks are
not
stinky dirty," he said loudly. "Chelsea's socks are stinky dirty. Chelsea's
underpants
are stinky dirty."

Chelsea hit Nicholas over the head with her spelling book.

"Enough, enough," Mrs. Pidgeon said with a sigh. She went to Nicholas and rubbed his head. She glared at Chelsea. "Let's turn to our arithmetic. We'll talk about room mothers tomorrow All of you ask again at home. Unless..." She looked hopefully around the classroom one more time.

"Gooney Bird?" she asked.

Gooney Bird stood up. Today she was wearing a long velvet skirt and a sweatshirt with a picture of the earth on it.

Mrs. Pidgeon peered at the sweatshirt and smiled. "By the way, I like your shirt, Gooney Bird," she said. "Look, children, at what it says under the globe."

"
Mother Earth,
" they all read aloud.

"We were just talking about mothers," Mrs. Pidgeon pointed out.

"Read my back," Gooney Bird said. She turned around.

They all read the back of her sweatshirt. "
Love Your Mother.
"

"Well, fine," Mrs. Pidgeon said. "I wish the earth would volunteer to be room mother. Unfortunately the earth doesn't make cupcakes."

"It would make stinky dirty cupcakes," Nicholas said grouchily.

Mrs. Pidgeon glared at Nicholas. "Did you ask your mother, Gooney Bird? Not Mother Earth. Your
real
mother?" she asked.

"Yes, I tried to cajole her."

Mrs. Pidgeon started to laugh. She always laughed when Gooney Bird used a new and interesting word. She turned and wrote CAJOLE on the board. "Dictionaries, class," she said.

Beanie was the first to find
cajole
in the dictionary. "It's hard reading," she said.

"Of course it is," Mrs. Pidgeon agreed. "It's a grownup dictionary. It stretches your reading skills."

"Stretch stretch stretch," murmured Malcolm as he picked up an elastic band. Mrs. Pidgeon gave him a look. He put the elastic band down.

"Give it a try, Beanie," Mrs. Pidgeon said. "You can do it."

Beanie stood and read the definition of
cajole
slowly to the
class. "
To persuade someone to do something by flattery or gentle argument, especially after a reasonable objection.
"

"So your mother had a reasonable objection, Gooney Bird?" Mrs. Pidgeon asked.

"Yes. She is a terrible cook and her cupcakes are always lopsided, and also she has to go to China on Thursday."

"And so you tried to persuade her with flattery?"

"Yes, I told her that she was a wonderful cook and I had heard a rumor that she might be invited to be chef at the White House, and probably it would be good practice for her, being room mother."

"And that didn't work?" Mrs. Pidgeon was laughing.

"No, she said that if I were Pinocchio, my nose would be three feet long."

Gooney Bird scowled. "She meant I was lying, of course, but you all know that I never ever lie."

All of the children nodded. They knew that everything Gooney Bird said was absolutely true.

"I really
had
heard that rumor. I said it to myself and heard myself saying it. So it was absolutely true.