Goodbye to Dreams (17 page)

N
EW
Y
EAR
1935 was a sober affair for Cecily and Ada. In five years so many dreams had been lost. Since both Cecily and Ada had cancelled their wedding plans, they had found little time for dancing and having fun. Instead all their energies had been spent building their business. Cecily had heard, through friends, that Danny and Jessie had finally married after several cancellations. She wondered vaguely whether they were happy.

This year, the sisters dressed warmly in the swagger coats they had recently bought, and took Van, now eleven, to the square outside the town hall to join the crowd waiting there for the clock to announce the arrival of the New Year. The streets leading to the square were packed with people heading for the point at which they hoped to join up with friends.

Arms rose in a forest and shouts echoed across the street as friends called to friends, laughing, jostling each other in almost impossible attempts to gather in groups of families or friends. Van walked between Cecily and Ada, looking for Edwin Richards, who had promised to try and find them by the large Christmas tree near the steps.

Cecily was quiet. She disliked New Year. It was a time when, instead of looking forward, she looked back at all the disappointments and missed opportunities. Rich they might be, by their parents’ standards, but happy they were not. Since everyone had learned that Van was Cecily’s daughter, things had been difficult, Van the most difficult of them all.

Cecily looked at her now. Taller than her friends, slim and already showing signs of the beauty to come. Her features were small with a tilt to her nose that gave her an elfin attractiveness. But there was a hardness in her and it showed in the firmness of her mouth, the hint of disapproval in her blue eyes, and the almost constant frown on her brow.

Cecily had long given up trying to explain her reasons for behaving as she had, but continued to hope that one day she would be able to make her daughter see how it had been for her in 1924, when adoption had been the only alternative: an option she hadn’t for a moment considered. Although
Van’s accusation that she had been protecting herself had been partly true, the invention of a friend had been a convenient cover story.

‘There he is!’ Van jumped up and down, waving excitedly towards the tree, where Edwin was waving a large flag. ‘He said I’d see him easily, he’s so big!’

She dragged the sisters in her wake as she ploughed through the
good-natured
crowd and reached Edwin, flushed and glowing with the cold and the exhilaration of the occasion. She took his arm and said to Cecily, ‘You two can find your friends. Edwin will make sure I get home safe, as soon as midnight has struck.’

‘No, lovey, I think we’ll all stay together.’ Ada was struggling to stay with them.

‘Don’t worry,’ a familiar voice said, ‘Beryl and I will stay with them. Go and have fun, you two.’

‘Beryl! Bertie! Happy New Year!’ the sisters chorused. ‘And to you, Edwin, dear.’ They shared kisses all round then left Van in their friends’ care and pushed back into the sea of people, holding hands for fear of losing each other, to look for more familiar faces with whom to share greetings.

They were looking for Phil Spencer among others and he, being much shorter than most, was difficult to spot.

‘Silly old fool,’ Ada said, shaking her head in bemused affection as she said it. ‘I told him it would be impossible to meet in this crush.’

‘He should have come to the shop and walked up with us,’ Cecily shouted above the roar of voices.

‘I asked but he wouldn’t. Said something about having a important job to do first. Wouldn’t tell me what. You know him, he likes to keep secrets and squeeze every last ounce of fun from an occasion. I wonder what he’s up to this time?’

A few people began to sing, old favourites that everyone knew, and soon the air was filled with voices; some beautiful, some discordant but all enthusiastic. Cecily stood for a moment and joined in, then they started to move again, slowly threading their way to the far side of the square.

‘Don’t go too far over,’ Ada shouted. ‘We don’t want to stand outside the men’s lavatories!’

Unbelievably Phil found them. In a gathering of at least 2,000
merry-makers
he spotted their hats and, bending forward and burrowing through like a ferret, he surfaced beside Ada. ‘Happy New Year, ladies,’ he said, kissing them both. ‘And where is young Van?’

Ada pointed to the Christmas tree. ‘Over by there with the Richards.’

He stood with them and joined in the singing, his voice a pleasant tenor. After they had been singing for a while, Cecily became aware of another, beautiful bass voice close by.

‘Hello, Cecily. A Happy New Year,’ Danny said.

‘And to you, Danny. Is your wife with you?’

‘No. Come on, let’s have a talk, just for old times’ sake.’

‘No. I don’t think that’s a good idea.’ She moved slightly away from him, as much as the solid mass of humanity would allow, but he moved with her and she felt the touch of his hand on her elbow.

‘Cecily, I must talk to you.’

‘Talk to your wife, Danny Preston! I thought that now you’re married I wouldn’t be bothered by you any more.’

‘You’ve heard, then?’

‘Heard what? No, don’t tell me. I’m not interested.’

‘Go on, let him tell us,’ Phil said enthusiastically. ‘Go on. I won’t sleep tonight if I don’t find out what he wants to say.’

‘Stop eavesdropping.’ There was a hint of laughter in Ada’s voice, amused as always by Phil’s irrepressible nosiness. ‘Old woman you are.’

‘Jessie has left me,’ Danny told them. ‘She says I’m too cold and also that I’m a bore. What d’you think of that, then?’

‘She’s probably right!’ Cecily again tried to move away.

The clock began its rumble on the way towards striking the hour of midnight and miraculously the crowd was hushed. The chimes began and a cheer rose into the sky and everyone turned to kiss partners and anyone near. Some swayed and tried to hold hands for the traditional Auld Lang Syne.

Cecily felt a lump in her throat as her sister moved away from her to be held in an enthusiastic hug by Phil, leaving her stranded and alone in the middle of the crowd. Then Danny held her and his kiss was as wildly exciting as the chimes and the shouting and the magic that was part of the first moments of 1935. It wasn’t until the echoes of the final chime had died away that he let her go.

Since 1930, when she had met him after a gap of seven years, Danny had appeared to share with her the first minute of each new year. She might see nothing of him during the months before, but always, as the last moments of the old ticked away, he would be there.

She wondered where Gareth was now, and who he was sharing the
celebration
with. She tried to force him into her mind and disassociate herself from Danny’s disturbing kiss and the romantic way he appeared at midnight.

She still grieved for Gareth and knew that this sensation Danny aroused was not love as she had known love with Gareth, which would have been an all-encompassing love on which a lifetime could have been built. It included the calm, easy companionship she had rarely enjoyed with Danny.
He disturbed and confused her. Gareth would have given her a life of
unexciting
contentment.

‘Cecily?’ Danny’s voice forced her back to the present. ‘Come with me. Ada and Phil don’t want you around, do they?’

‘Go away.’

She made her way through the laughing crowd, hoping to lose him in the confusion of the people moving about, many trying to leave. Some held balloons which they suddenly released to soar up into the night sky. The sound of fireworks banging and hissing was accompanied by screams and hysterical laughter and dozens of enthusiastic revellers waved flags.

To the surprise of many, some used the occasion for political warnings. Voices in the mob shouted and chanted, ‘Hitler must go,’ ‘Murderer of the Jews,’ ‘Listen to Winston Churchill,’ among others. Other voices joined in insisting that Hitler was saving his nation from poverty and the world from the evil of greed. A few scuffles broke out but the ugly moments soon subsided, as laughter and good humour won the hour and the protesters gradually dispersed.

Cecily’s hand was held, gripped tightly, and this time she didn’t struggle to escape. She felt conspicuous walking beside Danny, unwilling to leave him yet dreading being seen by someone who would tell Gareth about her latest defiance of convention, walking hand in hand with a married man. Gareth was still important to her and his good opinion was something she hoped to rebuild.

Danny was not love but an obsession. Why was she walking away from the chance of seeing Gareth? And with him? Why couldn’t she tell him to go and make him believe she meant it? It would be so easy to run back to the square and find Ada and Phil among the thinning crowd but she walked on, his hand still holding hers possessively, his warmth and power a magnet she couldn’t repel.

In the silence of the small street, Danny said, ‘We can’t let another year pass being separated from each other, can we? What are we going to do about it?’

‘Nothing! You married Jessie and that ended it finally. I’m already a woman with a sordid past. Being the mistress of a married man is
something
I can do without! You know it would never have worked between us. It would have been nothing but fights and arguments and I couldn’t face that sort of life.’

‘And spending your life alone? Wouldn’t that be worse?’

‘More peaceful. I have a busy life running a business I enjoy. It’s hard in some ways but I can afford to buy what I need to make life pleasant and comfortable. Comfort and peace don’t seem that terrible a prospect.’

‘Without love?’

‘You don’t love me, Danny.’ She spoke scornfully. ‘You want to possess me and lock me away in your home so I don’t look at another man. Possession isn’t love, it’s a sickness!’

There were lights on in many of the houses they passed and on several doorways people stood looking out into the night as though expecting it to be different from other nights. Most were still fully dressed and they looked up and down the street, greeting everyone who passed with the same words. ‘A Happy New Year.’

‘Let’s make this our happiest, shall we, Cecily? It will take time to get a divorce, but it isn’t impossible and people will understand our being together. We’re getting older, you and I. I’m thirty-two and I’ve loved you since I was eighteen.’

She tried to ignore his words and the way his arm was pressing her against him. What was it about New Year that weakened resolve, filled people with foolish hope? ‘No, Danny. You’d never cope with my
involvement
in the shop for one thing, or my ways. I’m so used to doing what I want without having anyone to consider, it would be even more impossible than if we’d married back in 1922. We might be attracted to each other but we’ll never make a partnership. Not now. I’m too independent.’

‘Too selfish you mean! Unable to give any of your precious time and effort to someone else. Selfish and cold, that’s what you’ve become. You and your damned shop!’

They both fell silent as they passed an elderly couple standing at their door. They shared greetings with them before continuing to argue as soon as they were out of the friendly couple’s hearing.

‘You’re right. Selfish is what I am. Selfish enough to deny you the pleasure of ruining my life. Look at you now, trembling with rage and we haven’t spent half an hour in each other’s company. Selfish I am, but you suffer something far worse. Jealousy was always your weakness. You hated every smile I gave to anyone but you, and were angry when someone smiled at me. You’d expect me to close the shop and lock myself away, idling my time waiting for your attention. So take your sullied love and give it to the girl who was foolish enough to marry you.’

‘I was a fool to ever think of us making a go of things. How can you when you’re so fond of making money and dressing up to show how successful you are? I forgave you for Van. Yes,
and
everyone thinks I’m her father, but we never made love, did we? Who was he? You can tell me now. Some five-minute fumble at a dance, was it?’

She raised her hand to strike him but he held her arm, gripping it fiercely, forcing her to walk beside him past an open door where they were
wished another Happy New Year. They smiled artificial smiles, returned the greetings and walked past, continuing their battle.

She struggled free of him and once they were past the couple, she ran, losing a shoe like a parody of Cinderella, kicking off the other, and hurried home, biting her lips to hold back the tears. She didn’t wait up for Ada and Van, knowing Ada would deal with everything. ‘Another damned mess of a New Year,’ she muttered, before allowing the tears to fall.

For Ada the occasion was a happy one. Phil had the car he had recently bought parked in a side road and after collecting Van from the Richards’ they drove back to the shop.

‘Van,’ Phil said as he limped around to open the door for her. ‘How would you like to be a bridesmaid?’

‘I’d like that. I nearly was once before, remember? I had the blue dress and all but then Auntie Dorothy told everyone about me and the shame of it stopped the wedding.’

‘Van, lovey, there was no shame on you for that. It was Cecily who made everyone angry, not you. No one loves you any the less.’ She hugged her, thinking the shock of discovering who Cecily really was would never leave her. Van had withdrawn into herself for months after and even now frequently made it clear she had not forgiven Cecily for her deceit.

‘I want you to be bridesmaid for your Auntie Ada and me,’ Phil said. ‘Choose your dress and have whatever colour you like.’

‘Phil!’ Ada protested.

‘I’ve been messed about waiting for her to make up her mind long enough, don’t you agree?’ He was still talking to Van. ‘I’ve been to see the vicar and made a firm booking for the church and Mam will do the food. Now there’s only your dress and Auntie Ada’s to buy and we’re ready.’

‘Phil?’ They were talking as though she were invisible.