Good Wood (35 page)

THERE IS A certain level of pain that brings numbness with it. Sometimes you can walk off pain or just ignore it. Other times it hits you so hard and fast that it steals your breath away and drops you to your knees.

That fucking bed… that goddamn crib, I had almost forgotten about them. In the midst of my growing happiness with Molly, my guard was down. I was unprepared for the emotional nut shot of seeing that furniture. I thought Tamz had sold them off years ago. Seeing all those pictures, my wedding album…Jack’s only baby picture. Yeah, it was a fucking grainy sonogram but it was the only picture we ever got to take of him. It ripped my guts out.

It took everything I had to not start bawling right in front of Molly. She seemed to understand and went home but she’d barely left before I started sobbing. Why the fuck did Tamryn keep this stuff? What purpose was there in having a crib I would never use? A bed my son would never sleep in?

Like acid poured into a wound the lump under the canvas mocked me. How many times had I walked by it without even noticing it was there? If Molly hadn’t uncovered it, I might have ignored it forever. Pulling out my phone I called Dr. Greene.

“Hello?” His voice was a bit groggy. Glancing over at the clock I winced when I saw how late it was.

“Sorry doc. I didn’t realize what time it was. I’m sorry. Go back to sleep.”

“Joe? Wait. Give me a second here.” The line went quiet but when I glanced at the phone face I was still connected. I figured he muted me to tell his wife what an asshole I was. I would have. A minute or so later he came back on the line. “Okay Joe. I just had to get to my home office. What is going on?” I took a breath and tried to steady myself.

“I came across some things at home. In my workshop that is. Things I wasn’t prepared to deal with. I thought I was, but when I saw them. Things are just piling up on me and I’m having some trouble dealing.” Dr. Greene gave a heavy sigh.

“All right Joe. Start at the beginning.”

I did. When I got to the part about my parents he stopped me.

“Wait. You spoke to your parents?”

“Yeah. So?”

“What did you and your parent’s talk about?”

“Mom said Molly seemed nice. That it was good to see me smiling again.”

“And your father?”

“He told me that he hoped to see more of me in the future.”

“So, other than the fact that you haven’t had contact with them for some time, what was so upsetting?”

“My father doesn’t ever give it to you straight. I don’t think it is in his makeup. Maybe it is being a lawyer that makes him so fucking convoluted in the way he talks. Or maybe being convoluted is what makes him a great lawyer. He wasn’t just saying that it was good to see me. I think that tonight is the closest I have ever heard my father come to saying that he was sorry.”

“Wait. Back the truck up to the loading dock for me. I’m a bit groggy so maybe I missed something here. Your father apologized, in his own way, for what exactly?”

“For being an asshat, basically. For telling me I was going to be a loser and waste my life working with my hands when
his
son should be leading people instead.”

“And that is bad in what way?”

“It wasn’t bad. It was just a lot to take in. It threw me. I went to that party expecting my sister was trying to hook me up. I just didn’t realize that she was going to be trying to set me up with my parents.”

“So you feel like you were ambushed?” He sounded exasperated. I guess I couldn’t blame him. I had woken him out of a dead sleep.

“A little. I can’t blame Tamryn though. She has been running interference between the three of us since long before the accident. She knew if she told me I wouldn’t come.”

“Tamryn asked you to make peace and you did it. So what is the problem?”

“It was unexpected.”

“Fine. You were surprised. Let’s move on. You arrive home and then you and Molly had a fight?”

“What? No! Molly and I had a great night after that. Then this morning she went down to the workshop.”

“So you got upset for her invading your space? Joe I would really like to help but I would also like to get some sleep!”

“Yeah. Sorry. She was just looking around. Harmless stuff, you know? She pulled off a dust cloth and that is when she found them. The crib…the race car bed…the pictures.” My voice caught and I fought against the sobs that wanted to rip their way out of my ribcage.

“Oh Joe. I thought you’d gotten rid of all of that.”

“So did I but, either Tamryn forgot to or she thought I might want them some day. So there they are, tucked in the corner of this workshop, nightmares under a tarp.” Dr. Greene was silent for long enough that I looked at the phone again to make sure I was still connected.

“I want you to take the time you need to look at those things. Then I want you to find a way to deal with them. If that means getting rid of them, giving them away, selling them, I don’t care. Hell, set fire to them if you want. But deal with them. If you want to heal, you have to deal. Letting things fester is not the way to heal.”

“Okay. What do you want me to do?”

“Figure it out, Joe. The only way you are going to make progress is if you start working this out for yourself. When you figure it out, we can talk during our next session. Tomorrow at nine if my memory serves me right.”

“All right doc. Hey, I’m sorry for waking you up.”

“Good morning, Joe.” Without another word he hung up.

I went over every inch of the crib and the bed. It was hell to touch them, remembering the love that went into every single cut I’d made in the wood, but I allowed myself to feel the pain wholly. They were beautiful pieces. They deserved to be used and cherished. Some family should have them. It was a crime to have them rotting back here like some dirty little secret.

Putting them aside I spent the rest of the night going through the totes. I hadn’t looked at her face in so long. Seeing her again was like pulling molten bits of glass out of my chest. Little parts of her that I had forgotten came roaring back from looking at them. Memories of trips we took, parties we attended, even a shot of her hiding behind a shower curtain.

I ran the gambit of emotion from smiling and laughing to feeling like someone was ripping my heart out of my chest. I sorted the pictures into three different stacks: things to give to my parents, things to have shipped to Jessica’s family and my own pile. By the time I was done, my pile was barely enough to cover the bottom of one tote. Among them were my wedding album, the sonogram of Jack and a picture of me with Jessica, Mac and Mason.

I woke up later on the floor of the workshop feeling like shit. My cold had returned with a vengeance.
That’s what you get for sleeping on cold concrete
. I stumbled upstairs to bed and collapsed. When I woke up, the light was dim and I couldn’t figure out if it was dusk or dawn. Stumbling to the kitchen, I drank a gallon of orange juice and ate all the leftovers in my fridge. Then I went back to bed and pulled the covers over my head.

Slipping down into the darkness, I knew what was waiting for me, but I was too exhausted to fight against it.

I blinked and my eyes cleared to show me the sidewalk outside our old house. Jack was about ten years old and riding his bike off a makeshift ramp. I stood and watched him with my heart twisting painfully in my chest. I smelled her perfume before I saw her. Coming up on my left she placed a hand on my shoulder. I resisted the urge to look at her, unable to take my eyes off the Jack that was never to be.

“Joe, baby. This isn’t healthy. What would Dr. Greene say if you told him about us?” I shrugged my shoulders, keeping my eyes on Jack. I knew what would happen if I looked away. It happened every time. No matter how much pain it caused me I couldn’t bear to stop. A few moments of fantasy Jack was better than no Jack at all.

“He would say that letting fantasy be more important than reality would not be living.” The words spilled out against my will. They did that a lot during the dreams. Truths are painful and what are nightmares if I wasn’t punishing myself. Jessica gave a sad little sigh and moved around so that I could see the dusting of freckles on her face and still watch Jack. Tears spilled down from her gentle eyes as she stroked my cheek.

“Baby, it wasn’t your fault. It was mine. I was foolish and because of that I left you alone. And I took Jack with me. I’ll never be able to tell you how sorry I am. But please don’t let this take you away from the people that love you. Find a way past this.”

There was a flash of light and I opened my eyes to the sun blazing through my windows. Rolling over, I felt dehydrated but otherwise fine. After a shower and some water, I went in search of food. I called Molly three times, but got her voicemail each time. I figured she was working, she almost never answered when she was working.

I wish she was here.

The thought came out of nowhere, but it felt absolutely right. Life was just better with Molly around.

Maybe it’s time you told her that.

I went through a drive-thru and then went to the job site. Francis was hanging around talking to Molly who sat with her legs dangling out of the back door of the food truck. I saw Mac and Mason giving me uncomfortable glances from near the front doors of the hotel. I ignored them and went straight to Molly. When she caught sight of my face her expression changed to one of concern.

“You look really pale. Are you all right?” She jumped to her feet. I gave her a smile.

“Yeah. The cold came back and kicked my ass. But I think I’m turning a corner. Do you have a minute to talk?” She stiffened, her eyes shifting nervously away and then she nodded. I took her back to my truck and opened the door for her. When I climbed in, she was fidgeting in the passenger seat. She looked like she was about to start crying.

“Joe, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have been snooping around. It was thoughtless of me and I wish I could take it back.” She was talking fast, the way she used to when she got in trouble as a kid and it surprised me. I just sat staring at her in shock. I had absolutely no idea where she as going with her rambling. “The tarp was sitting there and I thought it was something you were making for someone. I should have known better. It had layers of dust—” I raised my hand and set a finger to her lips. She recoiled like I had slapped her. “Please don’t do that.”

I put up my hands in surrender.

Her stricken eyes peeked at me, then away again. “
He
used to do that.”

I sat back and let that reality settle over me. I took a breath, willing her to look at me.

“I’m sorry. Molly. I didn’t know.”

“It’s okay. How would you?” She smiled easily, but she looked like she might be sick. “Look, I get it. There isn’t any need to drag this out. We’ll call it quits and be done with it.”

She scrambled for the door handle and I reached over to capture her hand.

“Molly. Wait.” She tensed, but her back was to me and I couldn’t see her expression. I released her hand, afraid I might be doing something else to remind her of her ex. She opened the door and climbed out, slamming it without a backward glance.